Dear Dafne,

I’m so glad to hear from you again! I’m happy you had a nice time at the retreat. You stayed there for quite a while! And planning to go back for an even longer stay, right?

Let me first comment on the situation with the man: his first reaction was not to express empathy and concern for you, but he accused you or getting lost and wanting anything from him (He told me that I live nearby so I should know where to go.) He didn’t like you asked for his help.

And then, even worse, he refused to wait for you, justifying it with being busy with his projects. Which if I understood well, he has been working on for years now, and nothing even panned out. So I guess one more Saturday afternoon wouldn’t make a difference. That was clearly just an excuse.

And he didn’t ask if you came home safely. Even if you’d had an argument and you said you didn’t want to meet him again, a caring person would still inquire if you arrived home safely, because it wasn’t a completely danger-free situation. But his pride was stronger, I guess, and he just didn’t care anymore.

This all shows his character, Dafne. He’s not a good, caring man, but a self-centered, quick-tempered, immature man, who isn’t able (or willing) to be there for you in challenging situations. He not only checked out, but blamed you for what happened. He expressed no empathy for you.

I suggest you don’t try to apologize or reach out to him, because he is the one who failed you. You didn’t fail him.

It can happen to anyone to make a mistake, such as getting lost on the motorway. But a decent person will have understanding and will try to help, rather than blaming you and turning their back on you. So no, Dafne, he’s not a good man.

The retreat was quite helpful, but I feel the old, fearful patterns are coming back and stealing the peace I felt over there…

I’m sorry that about that 🙁 Are those patterns related to returning to living with your mother? If I understood well, your mother was accompanying you to the meeting with this man (your ex-boyfriend) in a nearby city, right?

I must admit, I wasn’t happy to hear this, even though in this particular case, it was good that she was with you because she was supportive and didn’t panic when you two got lost. But she has been accompanying you to dates with men before, right? Even with this guy too.

I’ve found you talk about it in a post on February 6th this year. You and your mother met with him before, in a restaurant, and she was inquiring about his job and his projects. His answers were all vague, he didn’t want to give any details or deadlines. And then, when she probed a bit more and asked whether he could change careers, he got really upset, accused both of you of having no faith in him, and asked for a pause in the relationship until the project gets finalized.

Your mother was helpful in this particular situation too, because she wasn’t afraid to probe and ask him questions, and basically uncover that he might be a scammer, that his big plans and “projects” might all be just empty talk. So she was helpful in spotting potential cheaters and scammers.

However, her overall role in your life – where she is trying to control you and your life choices, and keeping you close to her via emotional blackmail and guilt-tripping – hasn’t been an overly positive one. You did want to get away from her and her influence.

And so I must admit it saddened me a little when you said that the old patterns of fear and insecurity are creeping in, and to realize that maybe this has to do with your mother still having a central role in your life, and you still relying on her to tell you whether a guy is good for you or not.

Please, dear Dafne, don’t take this as judgment of you. I have nothing but compassion for you. And I want you to thrive and be happy. That’s why I’m mentioning the “big picture” again: finding your True Self first, stepping into your True Self, before attempting to find a romantic partner.

Because if you respect yourself, you’ll attract guys who respect you. But if you have low self-esteem, you’ll be more easily manipulated by men who want to take advantage of you.

And here’s the thing: you don’t need your mother to protect you from manipulative men. What you need is to step into your True Self. Because when we’re in touch with our true self, we’ll have the wisdom to spot dishonest, manipulative men. We won’t fall for their BS.

Finding you true self – independent from your mother – is your ticket to finding good guys. You don’t need her, you need YOU. The real you.

I hope this makes sense, Dafne. I hope you can get more and more in touch with your inner voice, and that this retreat gave you a chance for that. Because you were allowed to just “be”, without the constant chatter, criticism and demands of your mother:

There was no comparison, no criticism, no gossip, no chaos, only simple human beings and Universe.

If you go to a similar retreat again, please use the supportive environment there to get in touch with your inner voice. Feel the love for yourself, hold yourself tenderly. Be gentle with yourself, like you would with a puppy who needs your love and care. Create an inner environment of love and acceptance for yourself. That’s how you can connect to your True Self.

I hope this wasn’t too overwhelming, Dafne. I hope you can get to a place of more confidence in yourself. You are a wonderful, talented woman, and you definitely deserve it!

Dear Eva,

I’m sorry you’re hurting and cannot stop thinking about him, even if rationally you know he wasn’t good for you.

He may have promised to change how he’s treating you, but those were just some cosmetic changes. There was no deeper awareness of why he should behave differently in a relationship, or that he is wrong in any way.

The way he phrased it “I allowed you to invite your friends” says a lot about his mindset: as if he is doing you a big favor and a big concession by treating you as an equal partner, rather than his subordinate, or even his property, or something to that effect.

His attitude and his mindset are very worrying, to be honest, and it’s not something he can change at will. Nor does he want to change it, since he believes there’s nothing wrong with him. So rest assured that he would always fall back on treating you like this – because that’s his “modus operandi”. That’s who he is.

He told you something very deceptive:

And in the end he told me that if I had been understanding, patient, there would have been no one like me, I would have been perfect.

Yeah right. Then why has he been hiding you from the world for 5 years?

This either shows his hypocrisy, or that he sincerely believes that a “perfect” partner is someone who is obedient and fulfills his wishes, while he can treat her like a doormat. Again, a very worrying (and toxic) mindset.

But I understand that even though you’re rationally aware of all of this, emotionally it’s still very hard for you to let him go. When we can’t let go emotionally, even though we know it rationally, it’s usually something to do with our inner child.

The inner child is a part of us that carries our longing to be loved, appreciated, validated, seen as special,etc. We should ideally get all those needs met in our childhood, by our parents or caretakers.

But when this doesn’t happen, those unmet needs are still in us, and they cause us deep longing for those same things (love, appreciation, validation) – but not from our parents, but our romantic partner(s).

Often we get blinded by those longings, and even if we rationally know that the person isn’t good for us, our irrational part (our inner child) cannot let go. This could explain why you’re so attached to him, even if you know he’s not good for you.

This is just a suggestion, of course. It doesn’t mean it’s true for you. But if it rings true, we can talk about it more, if you’re interested.

Dear Lucidity,

thank you for your thoughts, they very much resonate with me.

I find it so much easier to address these things with my children in that hurts can be named for the impact they had, the perpetrators be named, accountability be requested or offered, apologies made, perspectives understood, and then things can return to normal with a possible cool down period for those who need it to emotionally regulate. In these situations everyone is supported and seen for what they contributed to the situation and it is in this shared narrative where validation happens for my children, for me, for my husband. It’s not as easy as this blue print as we grow older altho I do believe that it is still the ideal way to deal with things.

Yes, it seems like a very healthy process, where everyone gets heard and amends are made and apologies offered where necessary. It’s wonderful that you’re practicing this with your husband and children – it will mean so much for your children’s healthy emotional development. Kudos to you, Lucidity!

When other courses of action are taken I find that unexpressed emotions that could not be aired, such as saddness or righteous anger, has a chance to morph into resentment, apathy, or distrust, and there is nothing wrong in that. It’s a natural outcome and one that often serves to protect us from similar situations in the future. I understand that no one owes us these resolutions.

I agree. Even where there is no mutual resolution, we can still resolve things within ourselves. We don’t necessarily need the other person to acknowledge their part of the responsibility. As you said, it’s not an ideal course of events, but nevertheless, we don’t need to remain in resentment, anger or apathy. We can move on.

As for trust, it takes people to communicate and “see” each other and understand each other’s perspective. When that’s missing, trust is difficult to build and the relationship changes. That’s an unfortunate outcome.

Sometimes the outcome is a bitter pill to swallow, is sad, and essentially left unresolved. I’m sorry that this appears to be what is eventuating. It sucks 🙁

Yes, this appears to be a conflict without mutual resolution. When communication is cut on one (or both) sides, resolution isn’t possible, unfortunately.

I wanted to say this because I have been at the brunt of this many times. It hurts and seeing the hurt minimised or sidelined be it thro rationalisation or spiritual by-passing or whatever still hurts.

I hear you, and I feel the same. Sometimes what hurts more is when bad behavior is rationalized and when guilt is “evenly distributed”. As in “we all have wounds and false perceptions, and so in a conflict, we’re all equally guilty. It’s everyone’s fault and no one’s fault. Now let’s continue as if nothing happened”.

That kind of attitude is what hurts me maybe the most. Because it’s not always true that we’re all equally responsible in a conflict. When we’re all lumped together, I think it’s a form of gaslighting. It doesn’t help conflict resolution, but rather leads to deepening of hurt.

Anyway, thank you so much, Lucidity, for sharing your perspective on this. It’s clear that you’ve got a lot of experience in dealing with “unsolvable” conflicts. And that you’ve matured and gained a lot of wisdom from that. You haven’t closed your heart to people, and yet you’re aware when abuse is present. I greatly appreciate your words and your wisdom <3

Dear SereneWolf,

wow, wow, wow, what a nice surprise! 🙂 I’m really happy to hear from you!

Sorry to hear you lost your job though 🙁 I know you were really happy about it and proud of yourself. And you did deserve it! But it seems the IT sector is nowadays hit hard by the developments in AI. And you say Trump policies as well – has he imposed tariffs on Indian IT goods as well? Or you’re feeling it more indirectly?

I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself and exercising regularly. But it must be hard to financially support your family, even when you don’t have a job. I understand you didn’t want to tell them, and that’s why you need keep paying up. Do you think they’d judge you a lot if they knew you lost your job? Or they’d expect you to find another job ASAP and be “less picky”?

And yeah, I can imagine that the fact they take your support for granted hurts the most. That’s a cultural thing and I guess it’s pretty hard to be born in such a culture 🙁

I’m glad you’re managing to rent your own flat and not live with your parents. Because yeah, I know the type of mental exhaustion that goes with that… BTW is your father’s health better now? Last time we spoke you said your grandfather was ill too. How is he now?

I’m also happy you have supporting people in your life as well. That’s super important!

And so you’re starting another round of travels this Thursday, right? How was the last round of travels? Have you met anyone interesting? 😉

I myself am kind of better, not necessarily physically better, but rather, having more mental resilience, I guess. I’m learning to hope, to think more positively, to not fall into depression when things get physically tough. And they do, but then they get better, and it’s a roller-coaster. But mentally/emotionally I can regulate myself better. So I guess that’s an achievement. I feel more stable now.

Today is the first day of my holidays, and I’m looking forward to do some swimming (which should do me good health-wise too). As far as bigger, career-wise projects, they’re still “in the making”. But I don’t feel they’re impossible any more. Still, more focused action is needed if I want to make things happen. So yeah, that’s the next big step for me…

I wish you all the best on your next round of travels! And yes, to keep putting one foot in front of the other, never losing hope, never giving up on your dreams…

Dear Lucidity,

thank you so much for your message, it means a lot. I’m glad you found the conversations on the forums validating and that you felt less alone.

But as you’ve noticed, things have changed recently and I won’t lie, it was unsettling and left a bitter taste in my mouth. I’m still gathering my thoughts about everything, but I’d like to hope that Tiny Buddha can continue to be a safe space, still.

And I believe that your voice and everyone’s voice is important. That’s why I’m glad you spoke out. It was very kind of you and validating. Thank you again!

As for staying or leaving, well for now, I feel more like staying. I hope you stay too, Lucidity. As well as Alessa.

I’m so happy you’re still here, Alessa. It feels comforting. And I hope you stay. But I understand if you prefer not to. I’ve got your email, so we can stay in touch. And Lucidity’s too.

Lots of love to both of you! <3

Excerpt from Anita’s post:

I was thinking: if I share this here, will some people rejoice in my pain?

Will some people go: Yea! The **** got hurt!?

This is what crossed my mind, following recent interactions here, in the forums.

The above is called projection. Projecting one’s own hateful thoughts and feelings on others, believing that others harbor the said thoughts and feelings. Well, they don’t. But the person is convinced they are. And so they launch an attack, a smear campaign, throwing dirt on their targets.

Should that be allowed in a public space? That one member throws dirt on other members, based on their distorted thinking? I don’t think so.

Lori has been informed.

Dear Alessa,

I’m loving our conversation too <3

Thank you for clarifying. I do still think you did a good job figuring this out in your 20s. ❤️

Yeah, I guess I always strived for a balanced view and justice – I didn’t like when my mother blamed certain people who weren’t really bad people. I realized things are not black-and-white and that she too is contributing to those problems. Somehow justice and truth were always important to me.

It is admittedly difficult and takes time to heal from these experiences with parents. I’m so happy you got there. You’re an inspiration!

Oh thank you, that’s so sweet of you to say <3 It was a long-winded road, but yeah, I see things much more clearly now than in the past.

I do pray too, I find it comforting. It is just the organisation side of things that I have difficulty with.

Yes, me too. I’m probably what they call “spiritual, but not religious.” Because I’m not following some of the rules which a true believer would consider obligatory, like going to Mass regularly, taking communion, etc. I believe that each of us is able to “communicate” with God in our hearts, and I don’t like the notion that it’s only possible through the mediation of the Church. I’m not against hearing a sermon, taking communion or some of the rituals, but I don’t believe it is a prerequisite to being “saved” or anything like that.

At the same time, the actual experience of going to church is nice. I just don’t know how comfortable I am about involving my son in these things because my views of God are a bit more forgiving of people that some traditional beliefs. I cannot say that I believe something that I don’t.

There was a period when I too was going to church more frequently. I found it comforting. But now, it’s not too frequent, it’s very rare, to be honest.

As for involving your son, well, I guess just be spontaneous about it. If you don’t feel like going to church every Sunday, don’t go. I guess just be yourself, don’t try to impose neither on yourself nor your son some artificial rules, which you don’t feel like following.

When he’s old enough, you’ll see if you want to take him to church, and I guess he’ll tell you if he likes it or not. So my advice is not to put any pressure on yourself and just let things evolve spontaneously.

I do have fears, like anyone else but I don’t let them stop me from expressing myself.

Yes, I’ve noticed you’re not actually afraid of expressing yourself and your opinion, and that’s fantastic!

I think, what I’m afraid of is hurting other people. I would never want to make someone feel the way that I did growing up. An unrealistic fear perhaps because I’m not that kind of a person.

Yes, you’re super caring and kind, and very considerate in how you address people, so I think you might worry too much. Of course, there are always people who won’t like something you’ve said, no matter how kind and considerate you phrase it, or how well intentioned you are.

There are people who can’t stand when someone disagrees with them, because they see it as an attack on their person. Unfortunately, there’s no way to please those people – because the only way to please them is to tell them what they want to hear. If we don’t want that, we need to deal with the consequences of not being liked, or rather, of being strongly disliked by them.

So yeah, we cannot please everyone. But if the price of pleasing someone is to silence yourself, to betray yourself, I’d rather pass on that. I want to stay true to myself.

But I’m also quite sensitive to conflict myself because of the trauma I’ve been through, so I try my best to be mindful that people might have disproportionate reactions because of their own experiences.

That’s very mature of you to consider that people sometimes overreact, and that it’s not necessarily because something you said or did, but something that gets stirred in them. An old wound.

A friend of mine once said that when she interacts with people, she keeps in mind that they all have their problems, so when someone is rude to her, she doesn’t take it too personally. I guess that’s a smart way to go about it, because she doesn’t get too upset if someone treats her subpar.

I don’t know what the solution will be, perhaps at some point I’ll learn the line where I actually have a level of control over the way I affect others? Who knows!

Hmmm… the thing is that we can only control what we say and how we say it, but not how it is received by others. If someone perceives your honest, well-intended remark as an attack, well, you can’t really do much about it.

So I guess you can try your best to be kind, express your concerns (if any) in a kind way, clarify any misunderstandings, but ultimately, you cannot control how the other person will receive it. It will depend on their character, their wounds, their willingness to self-reflect and receive feedback.

It’s been real pleasure to talk to you too! <3

Hi John,

I too have taken a look at some of your older threads, and like Anita said, this seems to be a very similar issue to the one you’ve talked about before, which is fear of being judged and criticized by others, as well as fear of conflict. You were also pretty aware of what might lie behind those fears (this is what you wrote in 2013):

I recognize that the way I behave is largely influenced by experiences from my past – parents, teachers, bosses, lovers, all of whom brought into my life their neurosis, stresses, and anxieties. I can see how their unhealthy minds shaped the way I see the world and respond to it. Namely, walking on eggshells – avoiding their wrath and seeking approval.

Chances are that you were the most influenced by your parents, because they are the first who shape our reality and our self-concept, i.e. the way we see ourselves and how we feel about ourselves.

Would you say that you were exposed to your parents’ neurosis, stresses and anxieties? And that you even tried to soothe them, but never managed:

I try to be compassionate and empathetic to their point of view, but that approach seems to be met with even more disdain as if, in their eyes, I’m not appreciating the gravity and seriousness of the situation. My openness, lightheartedness, and willingness to talk it through in a calm and collected manner seems to bring about even more stress, anxiety, and frustration to the point where I start to doubt myself and begin to get sucked into their neurosis.

Have you perhaps tried to soothe your parents’ anxiety, but they’ve dismissed you, and even accused you of not taking their problems seriously, and it only aggravated them? To the point that you felt helpless and anxious yourself (“sucked into their neurosis”), because there was nothing you could do?

You were also aware of your inner critic:

I recognize that judge or inner critic is not my own voice but that of my parents and other overly critical people that I’ve been exposed to over the years. But these voices are really not helpful and need to put in their place fast because I realize that they’re holding me back from living the kind of spontaneous and joyful life I want to live.

And you’ve mentioned the advice your meditation teachers gave you:

I really need to work on stopping these automatic reflexes of thought, which are usually so negative. My meditation instructors talk about approaching the mind like an unruly child – correct it’s actions, but be gentle, kind, and compassionate. But sometimes, I just want to slap it over my knee and giving it a good spanking.

For me, the best way to stop the absolute rule (and terror) of my inner critic was to get in touch with my inner child and show her gentleness, kindness and compassion, like a good, loving parent would. “Installing” the compassionate parental voice (which is the voice of your true self) as the antidote to the relentless judgments of the inner critic.

You as a child needed a lot of softness, compassion, empathy and understanding, like every child needs. But unfortunately it seems you’ve received a lot of anxiety, criticism and judgment instead. And because of that, your inner child still believes he is not good enough.

I hope you can get to the bottom of this. If this resonates, I’d be happy to talk some more.