* correction in the one but last sentence. It should be:

You might say that you would like to talk it through if you had a bad day at work, and would like to share your feelings and impressions with her.

Dear Dafne,

I am doing alright, although some health anxiety is lurking again. But I have tools to deal with it now, so it’s manageable…

But to be honest with you what really helped me was when you told me to take care of my emotional needs by myself. And that it is not too late to be loved and to not feel helpless anymore. It never occurred to me before that I can still do that now as an adult.

I am glad this is what helped you. Yes, luckily it’s not too late and we, as adults, can actually help ourselves and meet those childhood needs. Which is really empowering and gives us hope!

Anyways, I decided to see how the session goes with the counselor. It was not easy for me to do it but I gave it a shot.

People were welcoming but unfortunately it was too judgmental and did not give me any tips on how to move on and heal faster.

Glad you tried it out, but I agree with you – this counselor was not helpful at all!

For example, they told me that it was my fault that I stayed with my abusive family. I should report them to social services when I was a child and I wasn’t smart enough to do that. Really? Could I change anything back then?

Oh my! The counselor is blaming you as a child for not reporting your parents to social services. This is so wrong! How can a helpless child advocate for themselves when they might not be even aware that what they are experiencing is abuse. Also, children tend to cling to even the most abusive parents, because their survival literally depends on them, and they have nowhere else to go. So blaming you as the child for not doing anything to help yourself is utterly wrong and unprofessional.

Also they told me that I ‘lost’ the man that I’ve met in the church because I was not proactive and waited too long. When he replied thank you to the video I should have contacted him again in a few days and say that I want to see him again.

If he were interested, he would have kept the conversation going. You made the move, you sent him the video. He politely thanked you, but that’s all. After that he stopped communicating. There was nothing more you could have done to spark his interest, because he would have shown it to you, had he been interested.

And that I should never ever tell him that my fiancée passed away as men are afraid of that. Is that true?

No, absolutely not. That’s a painful fact from your past, but why would he be afraid of that? As if it was your fault that your fiancee passed away?? This counselor really doesn’t have a clue. What are their credentials btw? Where have you found them?

I’ve got job offers abroad but every time had to refuse them as I felt guilty. I was really trying to apply some changes and even told them that I am planning to move out and will travel for my work. They say that if I go, I won’t find them here when I come back or that they will finish with their lives and I will end up by myself! My mom has a dog and told me that if I will leave her, she will give him away to strangers or even worst. She knows I love that dog and it feels like an manipulation with my feelings.

I am so sorry, Dafne, that your mother is treating you like this. You are seeing it right: what your mother is doing is emotional blackmail. She is threatening to kill herself, or to kill or harm her dog, which is the lowest kind of blackmail. No wonder you feel guilty if you leave – because she is guilt tripping you, making you guilty if you don’t comply with her wishes.

The first thing you’d need to do is to realize that you have the right to meet your own needs, to do things that are beneficial to you and your happiness. You don’t need to sacrifice yourself for your mother or anybody else. It is one thing to help your loved ones, but it’s an entirely different thing to sacrifice your life for someone who only thinks of themselves and doesn’t care one bit about you.

It seems your mother is similar to your father in that aspect: telling you that you are selfish if you want to be happy and thrive in life. If you think of yourself too, not only of her and her needs. Doing something for yourself is selfishness in her eyes. Whereas it is her who is actually selfish. Because she only cares about herself, not you.

She also drinks and her mood is horrible after that. She got bitter with age and that’s her way of dealing with problems and the regrets. Everytime she talks about the past, my mistakes with other man, shouts, compares me to my father etc. If I try to protect myself and tell her that she should not drink and that I felt disappointed by both of them and abandoned, she says that I have my father’s character

There is a saying: “The best defense is a good offense.” When you try to make her accountable for her drinking, she doesn’t take responsibility for it, but instead blames you, telling you that you are like your father. She also blames you for your past mistakes. That’s a way to deflect attention from herself and talk about you and your deficiencies.

She is refusing to take responsibility for her own deficiencies, for her own bad behavior, and instead focuses on you and your weaknesses. And if you mention hers, she is quick to accuse you of being selfish and mean, like you father.

What she is doing is emotional abuse: emotional blackmail, guilt-tripping, false accusations and portraying herself the victim while falsely portraying you as the villain.

She always gives examples of daughters who’s parents were alcoholics and abusers and those women were strong, not like me, and found husbands & got married. Why those comparisons? I don’t understand that.

This is another way how she accuses you: that you are not strong enough, because other women are supposedly stronger, even if they had abusive parents. So again, she is not taking responsibility for her own abusive behavior, but accuses you of not being strong enough to endure the abuse. It is called victim blaming.

It is similar to your father’s spiritual gaslighting: when he told you that your soul chose him to be your parent, which supposedly clears him from all responsibility. So again, victim blaming.

I see a similarity between your mother and your father: they are both abusive, but deny all responsibility, and actually blame you for all sort of things: from being selfish if you want anything for yourself, to being weak for not enduring their abuse better.

So both of your parents actually blame you for their own parenting mistakes, as well as for their present-day abusive, selfish behavior. Pretty astonishing!

Everytime her hurtful remarks make me sad and I need a few days to recover from that. How can I respond to her?

No wonder those remarks hurt you, because she is blaming you, while the truth is that you are actually her victim. And also, you are a loving and caring person, and so when your mother tells you you are selfish, a part of you starts thinking that maybe you are indeed selfish. Specially since you have received the same treatment from both of your parents: accusing their own child for having normal child’s needs, and now, for having normal adult needs!

So unfortunately, what you have learned from your parents in your childhood (and it is continued to this day) is that having legitimate needs is selfish. That you don’t matter, but only they matter. This is the kind of programming that you are dealing with and that you would need to “reprogram”.

With such parenting, it wouldn’t be surprising if one of your core false beliefs were “I don’t matter. I am not important”. Do you perhaps feel that way about yourself?

How can I respond to her?

I think similarly as to your father: to start setting boundaries. But first, to not believe her when she is guilt-tripping you and accusing you of being selfish. To know that you have the right to your needs, to your own life. That you are not a selfish person for wanting good things for yourself.

And secondly, I would stop trying to make her see how destructive her behavior is, and how badly she has hurt you:

If I try to protect myself and tell her that she should not drink and that I felt disappointed by both of them and abandoned

Unfortunately, she is the kind of person who denies any responsibility of her own. So trying to extract any kind of admission from her (that she’s hurt you, past or present) will likely result in her accusing you and hurting you even more. Similarly as you stopped expecting that kind of admission from your father, try not to expect it from your mother either. Because chances are she won’t give it to you.

Instead, start planning your future. Look into options of working abroad or moving away. Try not to feel guilty. I know it’s easier said than done, but start with at least a mental understanding that you have the right to meet your needs and go after your happiness.

You can start small, by affording yourself something (perhaps a gift for yourself, or a trip that you always wanted to make), to counter the false belief that you and your needs don’t matter. So maybe give yourself a gift, spoil yourself with a little something, because you definitely deserve it.

And then you can start planning for bigger things: how to be caring towards your mother (and her cousin), and yet not sacrifice your life. How to find a balance between caring for your own needs and caring for other people’s needs.

The truth is that you can be loving and caring towards others, but do it from the place of self-love, not the place of guilt and self-denial.

I hope you can start walking on that path, Dafne. The path of self-love, self-care, self-compassion. This is not selfishness at all, but what we all need if we want to truly live and be happy.

I know you can do it, Dafne. It’s fantastic that you are already trying to help yourself, and feeling a bit more empowered and hopeful about the future.

I am rooting for you, Dafne! Please let me know how it is going. And if you feel stuck, I am here…

Lots of love and a big hug <3

Dear Paradoxy,

Stop putting words in my mouth cause I never said that a woman’s role is to give birth and take care of children and that the man’s role is to make all the important decisions, cause that is not true. Both of them are supposed to work together as the man take the responsibility of leading.

I was not referring to the patriarchial system but if my words are not getting through to u, there is nothing I can do.

Dear Paradoxy, you have described a patriarchal system to a tee, as well as exemplified a stance of superiority over women so many times in your posts. These are just some of the things you said about women:

The women these days are becoming more entitled and feministic. They are not wife material.

She displayed all the characteristics that I was looking for in a good wife, excluding the stupid things that most woman do, like overthinking and not listening etc, which I did not mind cause I knew it was normal for women.

You believed you possessed a superior wisdom:

Her parents did not take care of her well and so it was her aunt who actually took care of her so that would explain why she is so stupid. But even then, I always told her that if she is unsure, she could ask me for any advice as my father’s wisdom was passed down to me over the years that he taught me.

You also attempted to impart that wisdom on her, by teaching her how to properly behave, as if she, a 24-year old educated woman, who in addition reads her Bible every day, doesn’t know what is prudent and not so prudent behavior.

When she repeatedly refused to follow your guidance on proper behavior, you believed that she was intellectually impaired, i.e. stupid and oblivious, rather than someone who was sly and manipulative and pretended to agree with you even when she didn’t:

The number of times she has made poor decisions and the number of times we have argued over the same point AFTER AGREEING WITH ME made me just come to the conclusion that she is not thinking.

And why have you concluded that she was not thinking? Because that’s what you were taught to believe about women: that they are not thinking.

Next, here is your description of the patriarchal system, which you claim is not patriarchal:

The family should be following the father as he would be taking the responsibility of the leader that carries the foundation of the home while the mother keeps the home intact from the inside.

The man is technically supposed to be a leading figure.

Both of them are supposed to work together as the man take the responsibility of leading.

I am not fit to be a son-in-law because most fathers want a son that is mature and man enough to handle the responsibility of being the man of the house. And that is a huge responsibility, and requires leadership skills, which I definitely lack due to my lack of confidence due to my poor mental and emotional health. I need a certain level of wisdom to understand how to handle the responsibilities of being the man of the house. Being the man of the house also requires me to ignore my emotions when taking responsibilities.

So you portray the woman as someone to keep the home intact, and the man as the leader. What does a leader do? Makes decisions, tells the rest of the family (including his wife) what to do. His word is the last. So when you say “the man takes the responsibility of leading”, you are describing the patriarchal system – even as you are denying it.

Anyway, I am not interested in arguing with you. My only motivation for engaging in a conversation with you was to help you. Because you came here confused, not knowing what to do and emotionally exhausted, after having been in a state of turmoil since January this year.

There was a time in our conversation when you seemed interested in getting a different perspective – a perspective that might explain why you feel the way you feel, and that might help you heal your emotional wounds and make better choices in the future (including the choice of a romantic partner).

But it seems that right now, you are not interested in that, but rather in arguing and proving your point.

My impression is that at the moment you are not willing to get to the root of the problem, because it might be painful for your inner child. And that’s why you took a defensive stance, where you argue one of my main points: of needing to heal your emotional wounds from childhood. Because if you acknowledged it, you would need to look deeper into it, and it is scary.

Right now you are in a defensive mode, and nothing I say can reach you.

So I will say goodbye now, hoping that with time, your stance will change, and that you will choose to actually heal those painful parts, rather than denying that they exist.

I wish you well, Paradoxy, and till perhaps another time, Godspeed!

Dear Paradoxy,

I haven’t responded to the first part of your post, where you talk about your feeling of loneliness and not being understood, first by your parents, and then by other adults, such as your teachers, church men and other parents.

I want to say I am sorry for the pain you went through, and especially that you had to go through it alone.

They said it was my fault that I am alone and my fault for failing to make friends.

When you complained to your parents about being rejected by other kids, they blamed you. When you started feeling depressed about it, they summoned other parents to lecture you:

I was lectured saying that my way of thinking is wrong and I should just change my mindset like the flip of a switch and etc. I had become a pessimist after going through so much cause it was the only way I could prepare myself for whatever experience life decided to throw at me.

School teachers blamed you too for not hanging out with other students:

My school teachers told my mom that I was a quiet and reserved student but they expected better from me due to the “potential” I was wasting and etc. They have noticed that I wander around the school and have seen my sitting by myself away from the other kids and they think it is my fault for not engaging with other kids. They told me that I should grow up and act more mature for my age cause depression and pain is just a state of mind and not real.

They also told your mother that depression is “not real” and that you should snap out of it, basically. Without offering any psychological help for you.

The Church leaders lectured you too, telling you to follow the path your father has chosen for you. They minimized your mental/emotional problems and said you should get your act together, because you are a man:

The Church men said similar things too, that I should follow the path my father has chosen for me cause it gurantees a good future for me and I shouldn’t continue the way that I am acting because it is not mature for my age and that a lot of people are experiencing much worse in life and they do not complain and so I should just endure whatever emotional/mental issue I am having and move forward because that is what a man does and etc.

Unfortunately, all adults that you interacted with, including your school teachers, failed to provide support for you. Instead, they blamed you – the child – for having psychological issues. It wasn’t only your parents, but the entire system you grew up in. They all showed a complete disregard and ignorance about children’s mental health issues, as well as emotional needs of children.

It is very clear to me that your emotional needs weren’t met, and that’s why you felt unloved and like a burden to your parents. I am pretty sure that it is because of the same reasons – of feeling unloved and rejected by your parents – that you later felt rejected by your peers too:

THEY DON’T WANT ME AROUND

That’s because the false belief was already formed in your subconscious (the false belief being “I am unlovable” and “I am a burden”). And this false belief served as a self-fulfilling prophecy and brought about situations where you ended up feeling rejected by your peers all the time.

It all stems from the basic message that your parents gave you: “you are unlovable as you are”. “You are a burden to us.”

Everything that you’ve experienced later is the consequence of that false foundation, which your “house” (i.e. your sense of identity) was built on.

I do understand you and where your problems are coming from. And I’ve been trying to explain that mechanism to you. But you don’t seem to accept that explanation. You keep blaming yourself, claiming that you would have turned out the same even if you had more loving parents, or that everybody around you (all adults) are the same and that you wouldn’t be a good enough son-in-law for anybody etc.

I was trying to tell you that the system you are trying to fit in is corrupt, and that you don’t need to try to fit in. But you keep making excuses for the system, saying that these practices are widespread: “almost every Asian family does this same thing”, “A LOT of families still work with this ideology”, “OTHER PARENTS SHARED THE SAME GOAL AS THEM”.

Basically, what you are saying is that emotional abuse is normal in your community, or your social circle. However, it doesn’t make it less problematic, or less harmful. Because even if it’s normal, it is NOT HEALTHY. It is not a system in which a person could really thrive and be happy. It is a system based on suppressing our true self and our true needs.

So you would need to decide: do you want to keep defending the distorted system that caused you great emotional harm and suffering, or you want to start focusing on healing from that system?

Hey SereneWolf,

I always admire the way you’re able to find something positive no matter the situation. And how far along you came battling with your health anxiety. It’s not easy I know but nonetheless you’re doing well.

Thanks, I am trying my best. In the past year or so I’ve started becoming aware of the layers of fear that I grew up with, out of which health anxiety is just one manifestation. So I am looking at fear, feeling it in my body, and trying to separate myself from it (so that it doesn’t take me over me completely). It’s not easy, but I’ve made some progress…. and there is still a lot of work in front of me.

and since you mentioned the “Hack” have you ever tried Ayurvedic medicine or therapy? Sometimes it works wonders

No, I haven’t. Not sure it would work for spine problems though?

I think you’re on point about the inner child need. It’s so funny but let me tell you anyways just the other night I had this need to someone to like baby me. Like I wanted to be taken care of so badly. I was like why I care too much? Can’t I have that?

I think it’s actually normal – that longing to be cared for, caressed, and just be loved for who you are, without any expectations on you. Because we as babies shouldn’t do anything to deserve love – we should just be ourselves, and our parents should shower us with love, care, nurturance, enjoying spending times with us, cooing to us, caressing us, playing with us, playing peekaboo and all the other fun stuff.

We all need parents who are completely into us, who adore us and who see us as special and amazing. That’s how our self-worth develops – not by achieving things, but just by being loved and adored as babies and toddlers.

So perhaps you want some of that feeling of being cuddled and loved just because someone really enjoys your presence? (just like our parents should have enjoyed our presence, but with many parents it unfortunately wasn’t the case).

Hmm I see, and when you say Love and appreciation. What do you mean by that? Romantic love now? Can you elaborate?

Actually, by appreciation I meant what I described above: enjoying our presence, being happy to have us around, seeing us as special, appreciating having us in their life. What we should get from our parents as children. Basically giving us the message: “I am happy to have you in my life”.

I’m kinda enjoying talking with her though. Like sometimes I’m literally waiting for her texts. I don’t like this feeling. I don’t want to get attached to her. She’s alright but just no.

How do you feel with her? If you feel lightness (as in not being criticized by her, not needing to behave in a certain way so she wouldn’t be offended, the ability to just be yourself without needing to present yourself in a certain way), that’s a good sign.

Also, if you can let go of the need to change her, e.g. to judge her for her smoking, or for her “being on the verge of anger”, or for any other behavior. If you would be embarrassed to introduce her to your parents, for example, that’s not a good sign. It means there is something that bothers us about the person’s behavior, and we can’t accept them as they are but would like to change them.

and I’m not sure if I’m just doing that out of loneliness. Because I don’t think I’m feeling lonely or is it entirely something else

Well, you did say you want someone to baby you. So I guess you do long for that intimacy and closeness (physical and emotional) with someone. So this might increase your interest in her…

Yeah I’ll try that. Also like I said the feeling of time passing too fast, It goes away when we try to do something new or like feel something new or different

You mean you feel like you are not wasting your time if you are dating and meeting new people? Perhaps you feel the pressure of settling down and starting a family, which is another expectation on yourself? (and it is actually coming from the outside, i.e. your own parents and family)?

I know right!? They see it as light joke. That’s the problem. And no my sister wasn’t disturbed because they all think they’re just kids.

Yeah, that’s unfortunate because that’s when we are the most vulnerable and impressionable – as children. Believing that it doesn’t matter because they are children is exactly the opposite of truth.

You already know how much of my anger is just buried. But yeah next time I’ll try to do that

I don’t know, you might want to tell your sister that children are super sensitive, so teachers, doctors, coaches and other authority figures (as well as parents, of course) should be careful not to say hurtful things and humiliate them, specially in front of their peers, because those are the kinds of wounds that stay forever…

Dear Paradoxy,

My parents are ASIAN. It is commonly known how Asian parents are. Always comparing the kids to other kids. Always getting disappointed when their child doesn’t bring home an A+. Always planning to make their child become a doctor or a software engineer or a lawyer etc even before they are even born. Hammering in the foundations of mathematics into their head when they are a mere child to ensure that they do well in school. That is not greed. That is like a traditional thing and almost every Asian family does this same thing. That is why it is known as the Asian stereotype, which most people are aware of. This is NORMAL for us. So obviously they won’t prioritize mental health because they are oblivious to the impact of mental health.

I understand that about Asian parents. But you said you wanted to be an engineer (computer engineer, if I understood well). That should be acceptable enough for Asian parents. But they still wanted you to study medicine. That’s what I was reacting to. Because you can earn a decent salary with computer engineering as well.

But that wasn’t good enough for them. They wanted you to study medicine, even though medicine requires enormous dedication, and if someone isn’t really into it, it can make their life miserable. Actually I think it’s counter-productive.

But still, they forced you to study medicine. That’s why I believe it’s a significantly greater pressure and expectation than what typical Asian parents expect from their child.

Hey Beni,

How is your back?

my back is fine, thanks for asking. The worsening that I experienced about a month or so, has now passed, and I am back to my baseline, which is a low-grade pain but manageable. I am fine with this status and not really focusing on being pain-free, because it seems like something I cannot control. So this is good enough…

And how is your back?

Mhh, my Dad was in Hospital as a child for one week and his mom couldn’t see him. I think that created some kind of void and he needs my mom and his job for it and my mom needs my dad.

He can’t really say how he feels. Lately he said he was depressed for a decade in his 40ies. He would just say he’s alright all the time. My mom would always want to know how our day was or his day at work and we did not really wanna answer.

my mother would struggle to stand up for herself and when she tried my father, brother (and I’m not shure if I did. Cause I’m more like her than my Dad) would put her back to her place in a way. Because she would be emotional and it would not make sense in a logic way.

When she was emotional he kinda put her back to her place. Like when you need empathy and you get logic.

Okay, it seems your father wasn’t really good at expressing emotions, while your mother wanted emotional intimacy. That’s why she would ask him how his day was etc. But it seems he wasn’t attuned to her (or his own) emotional needs, e.g. perhaps he failed to notice when she was sad or there is a problem. Her emotional states were “invisible” for him, which in practical terms means he lacked empathy for her.

She probably felt unseen and was stuffing her hurt for a while, until she could no longer bear it. That’s when she would break down and start crying. A trigger for that could be if the kitchen was in a mess. In those moments, she probably felt that no one cares about her, no one “sees” her, and she would react with anger at you, ordering you to do something ASAP (perhaps a chore or something).

But it was out of character for her, because she wasn’t a bossy person. She wasn’t a strict, authoritative parent. But sometimes, when she was desperate (believing that no one cares about her), she would lose it, and that’s when she acted angrily and “bossy”. You said it felt “like she needs an illusion of control“.

It seems she didn’t have much control in your family, she was suppressing her needs. Or when she expressed it, your father would dismiss her complaints (When she was emotional he kinda put her back to her place.). But sometimes she couldn’t bear it any longer and that’ when she would break down, start crying and/or become bossy with you.

Maybe when she would finally express her needs, it would be from the position of a victim, like “why don’t you ever see how I am suffering?”, or “why can’t you do xyz for me, but let me do everything by myself?” Like, blaming your father (and you and your brother) for not being caring enough or sensitive enough, or for not helping her enough?

My mom would always want to know how our day was or his day at work and we did not really wanna answer. It didn’t feel right. It was/is often a too open a question and doesn’t feel save to reply. It’s in someway food for something unwholesome. When you don’t listen but project yourself on the reply it can be painful to the replier.

Perhaps you felt that she wasn’t really asking how your day was because she was sincerely interested, but because she was looking for an opportunity to start talking about herself and her issues and her problems. Since she never felt heard and seen, she needed to “steal” those opportunities from you. She wanted to force you to listen to her. But you didn’t want it, because it was a burden for you (and indeed too much for a child) to act as an emotional support for your mother.

In fact, I am thinking now that perhaps she had an unmet childhood need to be seen and appreciated. Maybe she felt like no one cares about her. And so she was trying to get love and appreciation from her husband and her children. But that’s impossible because our unmet childhood needs are like a bottomless pit – they cannot be met by anyone but ourselves. They can only be met via healing.

So if she was expecting her husband and specially her children to meet that unmet need, I can imagine it led to frustration on both sides.

Your father, as the adult, could in theory have had the capacity to “see” her, to give her the appreciation she craved for (except in practice, he didn’t have the capacity because of his own wounds). But you, as her child, definitely didn’t have the capacity to meet her emotional needs. You needed her to meet your needs, not vice versa.

That’s probably why you rejected her hugs and kisses – because you felt she is hugging you to meet her own need (Or needed it herself. It’s like taking a hug.)  She might have hugged you when she felt unloved, hoping you would give her what she is missing. But you felt it – you felt that her hugs were not for you, but for her.

But you also had some empathy for her – you didn’t want to always reject her, unlike your father and brother (My dad and brother are more black and white and colder).

So perhaps you had some feeling of guilt when rejecting her? Perhaps that’s why you nowadays struggle with ambivalence in certain situations:

[I said this:] It sounds like if you don’t do things others expect from you (or you believe they expect), you fear that the person might feel rejected, and it causes you pain. And you feel helpless because you don’t want to hurt them, but at the same time, you don’t want to do it either. So you are conflicted. You feel ambivalence, and perhaps you freeze in that neither-nor state, not wanting to do it, but not able to reject it either.

[you replied this:] What you write is very close to how I feel. Yeah, this impulse confuses me and it is a challenge to bear.

The above sounds the same as the conflict you had with regard to your mother: feeling guilty for rejecting her, but also not being able, or not wanting to, give her what she needed, because it went against your own needs, or because it felt inauthentic to you.

If we lift it to a higher level, it might mean that you are not able to clearly express your NO (towards the things you don’t want in life), but also unable to clearly express your YES (for the things you do want in life).

So perhaps that’s why you have issues with envisioning what you want? Because there is a subconscious fear that you would be harming someone else (your mother) if you actually allowed yourself to go after your true desires?

Okay, I’ll stop here. I made a lot of assumptions while putting this together, so there might be a lot of misses. But anyway, this is my current theory of your family dynamic. Let me know what you think and if it resonates… (corrections very welcome!)