Dear lk09,

How have you been? I hope you are fine, taking good care of yourself…

I keep thinking about you and your situation… trying to understand better. In my last post I was surprised that you weren’t hurt or angry, and that you’re feeling “normal” after what he did to you. But in the meanwhile I’ve realized that it could be because you have already experienced this kind of behavior from him, so it wasn’t such a shock for you.

In fact your second breakup, in April 2021, was very similar to this one – it happened after you’ve spent a week together in relative bliss. But soon thereafter he proclaimed that he still can’t make up his mind about marriage. This was similar, only you spent an entire month together, and he was initially very eager, professing his love for you – perhaps even more eager than last year.

But since he had already betrayed you in a similar way before, I can imagine that you don’t feel so much anger this time. Rather, what you might be feeling is perhaps a mix of resignation, disappointment but also acceptance. Finally facing and accepting the reality that you need to let go of the dream that some day he will be yours. Maybe this is the feeling of “normal” that you were talking about? Accepting and making peace with reality, although it hurts. And that’s why you are crying at night…

If I am sensing this correctly (and please correct me if I am wrong), what hurts you the most is exactly this acceptance of reality, of harsh and sad truth, that you won’t have a future with him. In all fairness, it’s actually for the best that you don’t marry him and suffer greatly being married to such an unstable and confused person. But for you, it’s the loss of a dream.

You say you feel at peace, and I believe you, but this “peace”, it seems to me, has elements of defeat and resignation in it, of accepting a less than optimal future for yourself. Because you’re now saying things like “I don’t think I should be choosing partners anymore. I don’t think I choose people well.” (July 20, 2022). 

But I don’t want you to accept a less than optimal future, a future where you settle for someone that your parents chose for you, a future where you’ve convinced yourself that you can’t choose a good partner for yourself. No! I care about you and I want the best possible future for you, in which you will choose someone you truly love and he loves you back! Someone who won’t be withholding his love from you, who won’t hesitate, who won’t be changing his mind all the time, whom you won’t have to chase for morsels of his love and attention. Someone who will give you his love freely, because he knows what mature, healthy love is.

Or, in your own words, someone who would “crave for me to hug him after a day of hard work, someone who would want to kiss me subtly good night…”

I want you to find such a person and not settle for someone who is not the choice of your heart.

But! And here comes a big BUT – you need to let go of the idea that Dandan is “The One” for you and wait for him until he makes up his mind (possibly forever). And second, even more important, you need to change something about the way you do relationships. And that is: you need to stop tolerating your partner’s negligence, ambivalence and lack of respect for you.

Maybe you have already realized it yourself, but I want to say it out loud anyway, because so far it was lacking in your relationships: You need to set boundaries of what is acceptable behavior and what isn’t, and how you would like to be treated, so that your partner cannot say or do hurtful things without any consequences.

For example, Dandan told you he got hooked on porn during covid, but he wasn’t really willing to do anything to stop it. Similarly with his drinking habit – he didn’t want to stop. You tolerated it and had understanding for him, instead of saying “I don’t want to be with someone suffering from addictions, which are ruining our relationship, while he refuses to do anything to stop it. I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t care about me enough to seek help for his addictions. I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t care that he is hurting me with his addictions.”

Or even in smaller things, like keeping in touch every day, you tolerated that he would go silent for multiple days. Last time it happened, you timidly pinged him, asking “don’t you miss me?” And he said, no I don’t. He said there was nothing going on, that’s why he wasn’t texting you. You accepted that too – you accepted his negligence, coldness and lack of care for you, instead of saying something like “Please, I would like to hear from you every day. Can we agree to chat every evening, unless something important comes up and either of us cannot make it?” Or something along those lines.

Dear lk09, please don’t think that I am judging you – that’s the last thing I’d want. I only want to help you see (if you haven’t seen it already) that this pattern of tolerance and endurance isn’t good for the relationship.

But I also know it wasn’t easy for you to be assertive, because of the history of bullying at the hands of your sister. We’ve talked about it already and can talk about it more, if you’d like… But what probably happened is that every time you expressed your preference or boundary around your sister, there was a retaliation. She attacked you and you needed to buckle down because your parents protected her, not you. And so you could never express your needs, desires and preferences freely. Everything had to be subordinate to her will. I think this is the pattern you carried over into your romantic relationships too…

As a result, you stayed for too long in relationships where you and your needs weren’t respected. Come to think of it, neither your sister nor Dandan respected your needs, so they were similar in that sense. But the way they went about it was different.

Anyway, to sum up this loong post: if you want a healthy relationship, you need to be assertive. That includes expressing your needs and desires, your preferences, and your boundaries. You don’t need to tolerate and endure things that hurt you.

And one more thing, dear lk09: don’t lose faith in finding love, in your ability to find a good and loving partner for yourself. You can do it, trust me. You only need more assertiveness. And assertiveness can be learned – maybe with the help of therapy or coaching, but it’s definitely not out of your reach!

If you wish to talk, I am here… <3

Dear Candice88,

I agree with anita that supporting Putin is quite an extreme position. Supporting the total ban of abortion is in my view also an extremist position. And the first thing that pops in my mind regarding extremist views is that people who hold them lack compassion for others (and on some level for themselves too). If T is like that, it could be a big problem, and as anita said, could have a profound impact the way he raises a family. I wonder if you’ve noticed instances in which he is lacking compassion and is very unforgiving towards people?

If the idea of living with him causes you “anguish and heart ache”,  as you said, don’t agree to it by any means. You can even tell him that his political/ideological views are extreme in your opinion, and that they don’t match your values. See how reacts to that…

At the same time, don’t rush to contact M, because I think you are idealizing those first few months of your relationship and forgetting the reality of what it was like to live with him. (I’ve read our previous communication and his behavior was quite appalling).

T is not the only man in the world who will be head over heels for you. He is simply the first relationship after the debacle with S and M. I think that since then you’ve learned a lot and have become stronger. So don’t settle for T just because you are afraid there won’t be anyone else.

Dear lk09,

You haven’t responded to my last post, so I don’t know if you’ve read it and how you feel about it. And whether you agree that Dandan was actually hurting you with his behavior and that you have been tolerating it for a long while. I have read our previous communication and this is what you said about him last year in June:

I don’t consider him as someone who hurt me so I bear no negative feelings for him.

Now, you also said that his recent behavior didn’t hurt you because you are used to it (I am so used to his behaviour now that I don’t feel hurt). The things you weren’t hurt about are: him going back to being distant and unresponsive as soon as he left your place, after 1 month of intense love affair and him asking you to marry him. Him telling you he wasn’t missing you while he was away. Him telling you that he is unsure about you again because you are too emotionally demanding and all over him, kissing him and hugging him, and having sex too eagerly. And him telling you that he was making out with some girl at a party.

The only thing that hurt you – that you admitted that hurt you – is that he told you he wasn’t attracted to you. That’s what “broke your heart.” But even about that, you said you don’t feel sad, you feel normal (I don’t feel sad about it as well. I feel normal.)

I must say it’s not normal to not feel hurt by his behavior, to not feel angry, to not feel terribly upset, to the point of not wanting to have anything to do with this person any more. That would be a normal human reaction to being treated like you were treated.

The only reason that you would take it so calmly and peacefully is that your natural, spontaneous anger is suppressed. And I have an idea why this might be: because of your sister and the dynamic between the two of you while growing up.

This is what you said about your sister last April:

My sister … never let me do anything I liked, When I used to dance-she would make fun of my dancing, English was my second language and so I had difficulty in the beginning so it was a laughing topic if I would write she would make fun of that, how I walk, what I wear, how I tie my hair, and yet complained that I always had the best of stuff, got more pocket money, anything that I used to have- she would take it anyhow but wearing it repeatedly and not washing it till I stopped asking for it. And it was all fun and games to her till I would talk back or ask for stuff. As a kid, she used to hit me for even taking her pencil while doing my homework if I lost mine. I have to remind you here that I am 5 years younger and so, I was already getting hand-me-downs and the stationary used to be with her so that it is SAFE. it was so safe that I never got to touch any of it till I was in 9th grade and she left for college.

My sister had come to visit me when I was in college 2nd year, I had asked my mum to not let her stay at my hostel but mum was like she is only staying there for a day, she had a train the next day. She had an argument with me because I was searching for something while she was speaking to me. Then she tried paying me for her stay, Which she did by throwing the money in my face, I lost my temper, I took the money and thrust it in her palms. She got angry seeing me reacting back so in front of my hostel girls, she kicked me first and then while I was on the floor thrashed me on my head 2-3 times then went inside my room. I was humiliated but I got up and went inside as well. She had a train in 2 hours and the railway station was a little far so I fixed my hair and Wiped my tears. Took her luggage and said come I will drop you off at the station, you might get lost on your own. She was like obviously this is your duty. I dropped her off, sent her off with food and magazines for the way. And came back. Not just that night but for the next few days, everyone kept talking about the incident and looked at me with pity as if I was an injured animal. And this is just one example.

Your sister was a terrible bully, and you had to take her bullying and terrorizing without saying a word. You had to, not because you wanted to, but because 1) she was bigger and would hit you, and more importantly 2) she had the protection and blessing of your family, so she could do whatever she wanted and you needed to tolerate it without protesting:

Everyone used to get angry with me if I lost my temper whenever she provoked because according to them, it is her nature and you have to be the understanding one and not fight. And like a fool, I believed that yes it was my fault that our fights occurred because I lost my temper.

Your family would get angry with you if you tried to defend yourself from her bullying. So you learned that there is no point in getting angry, or showing that you are angry. It’s better to just take the abuse without saying anything.

Even after she hit you while she was visiting you in college, and trashed your head while you were lying on the floor – you proceeded to behave politely with her and took her to the train station. She never apologized, she expected nothing less than silence and obedience from you (She was like obviously this is your duty.)

The next few days, everyone kept talking about the incident – because indeed it was something outrageous and disturbing. And everyone was pitying you because indeed, you deserved sympathy and empathy, faced with such bullying and humiliation. But you, you took it peacefully, calmly, gracefully, you carried her luggage and gave her food and magazines for the journey. You were the second year of college and you’ve obviously learned to suppress your anger by then, and it seems you were quite good at it. And this pattern continued, as it seems to me, into your romantic relationships too….

Healthy anger is necessary to set boundaries and defend ourselves from abuse. In we lack it, i.e. if it is suppressed, we will tolerate abuse and humiliation much longer than we are supposed to…

Dear lk09,

I apologize for the long silence – I’ve only just returned from holidays and finally have more time to sit down and gather my thoughts 🙂

First, I am happy to hear that you’ve been taking care of yourself well, eating healthy, exercising, cooking healthy meals for yourself, and in general feeling better about yourself. Self-care is a form of self-love, and I am very glad that you’ve been practicing self-love… I am also happy to hear that you have more clarity about what you want in a relationship:

I have no expectations from anyone. Now I know what I need to do. I want a family and a extremely loving partner… Someone who would crave for me to hug him after a day of hard work, someone who would want to kiss me subtly good night…  I want him to be grateful that I am a part of his life. Why? Because I know what sort of a woman I am and what I bring to a relationship. And love and care should be responded with love and care.

I agree. The above are in fact your expectations, and it’s okay to have them. So scratch that first sentence “I have no expectations from anyone” 🙂 Because you should have expectations from a person you share your life with.

Now about your relationship with Dandan:

I meant stable for the current situation that was ever since we mended things. All the things that concerned us, we had made a list and had actively worked on those and we were honest with each other in terms of telling exactly how we felt… Even if there was fear or nervousness. We conveyed that.

It’s good that you were honest with each other and made a list of things you wanted to work on. It means a part of him wanted to make the relationship work. However, he didn’t want to work on his addiction and the causes behind his addiction, which have to do with his childhood. Without that, your relationship didn’t really stand a chance, because he didn’t heal the core emotional wounds which prevent him from having a healthy relationship with you (or anyone else, for that matter).

Worst, he wasn’t even interested in healing it – as you say, he continued to reject seeing a professional. This shows he doesn’t really want to change, even though he claims he does. And you need to realize that without his willingness to seek professional help (which is equivalent to admitting the extent of his problem and his willingness to change), there is nothing you can do to help him, and that talking to him and lending him your ear won’t do any good. I am mentioning this because of the following you said to him:

maybe we can talk about it (not getting back together but we can talk…the only thing that kept pulling me back to you was our immense comfort and friendship so I owe you my ears because of that). Or maybe not. Let the time tell.

You can try to “save” him again, going for another cycle, but if he isn’t willing to seek professional help, you’ll end up disappointed again. Even if you start out not wanting to get back together, sooner or later you’ll want more than friendship, and will end up hurt again. Please take that into consideration if he asks you to start talking to him again. My advice is to stop being his therapist and ask him to find a real one, and in this way show that he really wants to change!

Yes, you two were very close, you were super honest with each other and he was comfortable telling you anything. That’s why you feel “immense comfort and friendship”. But the problem is that in his honesty and his comfort telling you everything, he was also hurting you: he told you hurtful things, such as that he was making out with another girl, that he was watching porn and that he didn’t find you attractive. He also told you he didn’t miss you when he was away from you. Yes, you can value his honesty but you need to protect yourself from getting hurt like that.

You said you got used to such behavior (I am so used to his behaviour now that I don’t feel hurt). And that’s where the problem is, because you SHOULD feel hurt by such behavior! He begged you to marry him and told you you were the love of his life – only to leave you stranded 3 months later, telling you he doesn’t feel attracted to you because you’ve slept with him!

You are used to such behavior – used to getting hurt by him – but you shouldn’t be. You don’t need to expose yourself to hurt, even if it’s by someone who themselves is hurt and wounded. You need to protect yourself from people who hurt you, even though they are wounded and you have great empathy for them.

You have allowed yourself to be hurt in this relationship for a long time. You found excuses for him. You made yourself believe that you are not really hurt, whereas the truth is that you are crying at night, because indeed, his behavior is immensely hurtful. You have been fooling yourself that it doesn’t affect you that much, that you are strong… But you don’t need to be strong and KEEP TAKING THE ABUSE. Strength is about PROTECTING YOURSELF FROM ABUSE, setting boundaries so that you don’t get unnecessarily hurt.

So next time he reaches out, wanting to “talk honestly”, or even wanting to renew the relationship, tell him to go see a therapist first, because that’s what he needs. A therapist won’t be hurt by his confessions, whereas you will. You don’t need to expose yourself to that. He has hurt you enough already. Please be strong and protect yourself from another round of being punched in the face!

There is more I want to say, dear lk09, but I want to send this first. Please let me know what you think…

Dear lk09,

[Note: I see that you’ve posted again in the meanwhile – haven’t read that yet, this is my reply to your previous post]

First, I am happy to hear that your job situation has improved since we last spoke. Well done!

As for the boyfriend…. I am sorry he mislead you again… but I have to say I wasn’t too surprised because I suspected that the sudden and radical change that he reported of back in spring isn’t really sustainable but a temporary improvement, a temporary “high”. Deep emotional healing – which he was in need of – doesn’t happen in 30 days, so I was almost sure that his newly found enthusiasm for you wasn’t going to last.

Unfortunately, his most recent rejection of you, and the explanations/excuses that he gave you show that he still has a lot of emotional healing and maturing to do.

In fact, they show that he isn’t really willing to look at himself but is putting the blame for his flimsy behavior on you (by his flimsy behavior I mean chasing you and being interested in you only after you gave up on him and told him it’s definitely over, and then rejecting you again when you said Yes to his marriage proposal).

These are the reasons he gave you for rejecting you this time: 1) He says you have “extreme emotional needs” because you kiss him and hug him often – which is a normal behavior between two people in love. 2) He compares your relationship – which was a long-term relationship where you discussed marriage many times and this spring he even told you he wanted to marry you – with a casual hookup, and then blames you for having had sex with him as if you are quick to have sex with just anyone.

So basically he blames you for showing love and affection for him, and wanting to be intimate with the man you love and want to spend the rest of your life with. Very unfair of him…

What worries me in all this, lk09, is that you believe that you had a stable loving relationship with him. Your words to him: “it seems stupid to me to throw stable loving situation for some moments of thrill, attraction and passion.”

The truth is you never had a stable loving relationship with him. He was always slipping away while you were chasing him. He was uninterested and deep in his addictions, and you were there for him, cheering him on, trying to help him feel better, trying to make him love you…. but it never worked. Unless maybe a very short period this spring when he said he wanted to marry you. But his enthusiasm quickly ended and he went back to being “confused” and uninterested again.

Please re-read my post No 377396, in which I explained how you saw your relationship through rose-colored glasses, because you needed him to love you and give you the feeling of being special and worthy.

This is what I wrote in that post:

[your words] There were never issues between us- we understood one another well but these addictions were always the bone of contention.

[my comment] Based on what you’ve written before, I believe there were issues between you, but you chose not to look at them. You said your long-distance relationship got cold after a while, e.g. when you’d send him love emojis, he’d send back nervous emojis, because he wasn’t comfortable to reciprocate. It might be because he was in the grip of his addiction and would have felt dishonest to send you love and kisses and pretend that everything is fine – but in any case, he wasn’t really showing the enthusiasm that you were showing. He was withdrawing already then. It was you who chose to believe that things will get better, because you couldn’t imagine losing him.

That’s why I said in my previous post that you were looking at your relationship through rose-colored glassed. You decided to ignore or minimize the signs of trouble, you believed addictions “could be fixed”, you chose to ignore his lack of affection and his refusal to talk about his problems. You believed that he was “the One”, the fulfillment of your dream to marry out of love and have that perfect relationship that you craved for.

It seems that you are still viewing your relationship as a “stable loving situation”, when it never was, not on his side….  I wonder if you can see that?

Dear canary,

Sorry for the late reply, I am on holidays and not really near the computer often. Thank you for your kind words and I am glad that what I’ve said has helped you.

This is so kind and this acceptance makes me feel a bit better. This makes me feel like I have a choice going forward and don’t need to explain to my parents anymore.

Good to hear this!

All I know is that whenever she would lash out at me, I would feel so alone and unlovable because I feel like if my own parents can’t handle me then no one in the world can or even wants to.

I understand where you’re coming from, because ideally the parents of all people should have the greatest understanding for us. But unfortunately that’s not true for so many people, myself included. My mother for example doesn’t believe me when I complain about some health problems that I have. She thinks I am inventing it and exaggerating. I’ve learned not to expect empathy from her any more – neither from her nor my father. It’s a bit sad, but I can’t do much about it. I get empathy from other people and I give it to myself, so I am not depending on my parents emotionally any more.

I really like that last phrase, “I am allowed to feel anxious. I am lovable and worthy, even if I feel anxious.” Because I believe this is true for everyone. I am easily able to tell an anxious friend how lovable they are but I don’t tell myself that. I think I get so caught up in the physical sensations in my body that I can’t think rationally. All I can feel is fear in those moments.

It’s a traumatic  reaction, the flight-fight-or freeze response, which takes place in our limbic brain. It takes over and switches off our rational mind. To alleviate it, it helps to practice anti-stress techniques such as diaphragmatic breathing or do grounding exercises. You can look up “Barbara Heffernan anxiety” on youtube and you’ll find plenty of tools and techniques to help you deal with the fear response.

I don’t know if I will get along with the therapist, I don’t know if I can trust them and open up because I am afraid of them being dismissive (I know therapists won’t do this but still have the fear!), I don’t know if it will be helpful, and part of me feels guilty for even seeking support in the first place.

This is exactly how you are feeling whenever you approach your mother, seeking help: you are afraid to open up because she might lash out and dismiss your problems as not a big deal, you’re not sure it will be helpful (because often times it isn’t!), and you feel guilty seeking help because she is a busy mother and you feel like a burden.

So one reason you feel discouraged to seek professional help is that you are projecting your experience with your mother into counselors and other help professionals who unlike your mother might actually help you. Another reason is that you did have some bad experiences with counselors in the past and you’re afraid it would be the same again:

I feel discouraged sometimes when I look at all the times in my past when I’ve reached out for help. I think the best help I’ve received was when I was 15 from my school counsellor. She was easy to talk to and I could trust her and relate to her, it’s just that we couldn’t talk as often because she had other students. Then after that all the other counsellors I’ve had I couldn’t get along with because they either never understood me or were dismissive. It feels like every time I opened up to someone they misunderstood me or invalidated my feelings. I think my first counsellor understood me because she would listen to everything I said and respond to it, whereas when I would share my story or thoughts with other counsellors they would only respond to the general problem. This made me feel like they are just listening to my general problem and sharing as many solutions as they can, instead of empathizing and really understanding then sharing support best fit for me.

The only counselor who truly helped you was when you were 15 yrs old. You could trust her and open up to her because she would listen to everything you said and then respond to your specific problem and not give you some general advice. You felt seen and understood with that counselor, unlike with your mother and other counselors you went to.

This is very important – that you did have a good experience with at least one counselor, and she did help you. So it is possible and you’ve experienced it. Now you would need to look for a proper counselor – one that is attentive and listens to you and your specific problems, and gives support that fits you. There are many quality therapists out there, so be open to the possibility that you’ll find one, just like you’ve found them when you were 15 years old. Trust that you can find the kind of support you need, by someone who sees and understand you.  So instead of telling yourself “no one can help me”, tell yourself “I can find appropriate help”.

Also, try to change your attitude from “I am a burden and undeserving” to “I am worthy of love. I am worthy of help and support. I am a gift, not a burden.”

I am grateful for everyone that has supported me this far, whether or not they are even in my life. Such as old friends, family, and strangers. I have met people that have understood me and listened to what I had to say. This makes me feel validated.

It’s great that you’ve had people in your life that saw you and understood you. “This makes me feel validated”. –  I’d say this made you feel validated to a certain extent. Because your core belief is still that you are unworthy of love and undeserving of help – wouldn’t you say? That’s because the core beliefs are imprinted in us in childhood, based on the experience with our parents, and even if we get a different, affirmative experience later in life (e.g. you being seen and understood by a number of people), we still operate from the same old core belief. That’s why you feel undeserving of seeking help now.

But now you at least know that this core belief is not true. You can tell yourself “I am a gift, not a burden”, to dispel the old programming. This will help you seek a quality therapist, and persist until you find one, without quitting! It will also break the spell of never finding the help you need and then giving up.

Thank you Tee for the help, I feel a little less afraid because I am reminded that there are such kind people in this world that want nothing but the best for you!

You are very welcome, canary. I am happy you feel less afraid and also that I could help!

Dear Anna,

I would like to highlight just a point: we had a first 5h convo on the 8th of April, one week after the breakup because I thought he was cheating on me. Then we talked more about the reasons why he broke up.

So basically on the 8th I wasn’t questionning him about the reasons why he broke up

Okay, on April 8 you weren’t questioning him, but you were talking about the reasons why he broke up with you. But let me ask you something: if he said that he is scared that he lost you and that he still has feelings for you, then why didn’t he try to get back together? He never tried to get back together, has he? So no matter what he was saying at that point, he didn’t change his mind about the breakup. What is important is his actions, not his words.

I trully wanted to respect his decisions and not overthinking about whatever.

Well… it seems to me that you haven’t respected his decision to break up with you, because you wouldn’t accept that he didn’t feel romantic attraction, and so you wouldn’t accept that he has a “legitimate” reason to leave you. You questioned the sanity and legitimacy of his leaving, haven’t you?

Also, you haven’t respected his decision to start seeing someone else 2  weeks after he broke up with you. When you found out, you attacked him for that.

And then, you haven’t respected his decision to talk to the girl he fancied, almost 2 months after you broke up. You stormed right between them, showing your fierce protest.

I am sorry but I don’t really think you respected his decisions…

Dear Anna,

Just to answer quickly; yes there was those physical touches again and when he disappeared that wasn’t to be with her but because he completely shut down because of some issues which happened and because of some talks we had me and him.

Yes we did [exchange messages in the second half of April], because that was at that time I was made aware of what happened in his life and that he reached me out to ask for my advices and such.

So you are saying that he disappeared in the second half of April because something happened in his life, some difficulty due to which he withdrew from social life (working at the pub, going to parties and suchlike) and stayed mostly in his room? During that time, he reached out to you via messages and asked for your advice in the problem he was dealing with. So he didn’t really withdraw/shut down from you, but only from social life? Am I understanding this right?

You also say another reason he withdrew in April was because he had some talks with you. Are you saying that those talks – in which you were trying to help him with your advice – made him shut down, even towards you? Or those talks made him shut down only towards the world?

Sorry for asking a lot of questions, but I would like to have as clear a picture as possible, to be able to give you meaningful feedback.