Dear Dandan,

Yes I agree and i am willing to heal myself. Just making the best of everyday keeps me bit satisfied. Like waking up early going for a walk, working out, etc. Going to add meditation and some martial arts to it. I want to try many things like acting class, dance music etc. … Wanna learn swimming too.

Here you are going to the opposite extreme of addiction – getting megalomaniac about the healthy things that you’d do. I had this megalomaniac voice in my head too, while I suffered from ED, telling myself I’d be successful and famous, etc. It would last for a few hours or days, but then another voice would take over: the voice of the inner critic, who would tell me that I am a failure and would never amount to anything. It would leave me crushed and I’d return to my ED again. There was a constant battle between these voices in my head, and the inner critic would always win.

I am afraid you are doing the same. In May 2021 you thought you’d boost your self-confidence with workout, and you enrolled in a workout challenge:

As I said I will focus the workouts and what I can do to imrove my confidence and satisfaction of accomplishment. So I will probably be busy setting up the equipments and getting started with the workouts for this transformation challenge now.

But that lasted for about 3 months:

I worked on my physique for 3 months. During which i was so hurt too and had created this post here. But again later in September i went back to drink and lost all progress that i made till then. It was on and off.

You didn’t get better even though you fulfilled your plan of working out regularly (and abstaining from drinking) for entire 3 months. But then, something tipped you off and you went back to drinking and lost all progress. That’s how it works with addiction unfortunately. If you don’t heal the core wound – it will come back.

I told you that in May too, because I’ve experienced it myself. I know that going into the megalomaniac mode, trying to be “perfect” and live a super disciplined life can only last for so long. And then you crash.

If you really want to stop drinking and get your life in order – on the long run – you need to address deeper, psychological issues. Which have to do with your childhood and upbringing.

You say that your self-esteem is low because you started smoking and drinking pretty young (around 16) and you had bad company:

I realised recently the reason for my depression. Atleast the major reason. It is because of the unhealthy life style i was living since my school.

Well, I don’t think so. You lived a healthy lifestyle recently, for 3 months, and it still didn’t make you happy. The real reason for your depression is deeper, and we talked about it at the beginning of your thread. At the time you didn’t really want to talk about it… but my deep conviction is that healing those childhood wounds is the only way to go, if you want lasting results.

Dear Dandan,

I am sorry to hear things haven’t been better for you. I agree with anita that you feeling horrible about her leaving doesn’t mean that you would be able to be happy with her – because you yourself said that you are in the same mindset. And this mindset is that you, due to your internal struggles, aren’t able to be happy in a relationship. If I remember well, about a year ago you visited her in the town she lived, and you spent a few perfect days together, but after that, you ran away again.

When she was close, you couldn’t bear it, it was choking you. Since you are still in the same mindset, dealing with the same internal struggles, even if she appeared again in your life, it wouldn’t make you happy. It may for a few short days, but after that, it would be same old, same old. She recognized that, and after your last interaction, she decided to withdraw completely. To not initiate contact again, because it always ends the same – you rejecting her.

So please stop believing that her returning would make any significant difference.

I am still the same, in the same mindset, not being able to forget her. I was only running away from as it was heavy to handle, the emotion.

The problem is that until you handle your internal struggle, which causes you to experience another person’s love and care as heaviness – you won’t be able to have a healthy relationship.

I should have taken a stand at some time.

You couldn’t, because the internal pain isn’t letting you. You couldn’t go against your current reality, which is that you aren’t ready. And that’s only fair: to admit to yourself that at the moment, you aren’t ready. If you said yes and got married while this internal issue isn’t resolved, you would end up in a very unhappy marriage, possibly with children, and you feeling even worse for not being able to be a good father and husband. Think about that. By saying no you prevented an even bigger suffering.

I feel horrible. Couldn’t sleep at all last two days and been walking with anxiety for more than 20km a day. I am scared that i will go completely mad, or that my life is gone as i am not able to forget her still and couldn’t tolerate this pain.

You have suffered from anxiety for a long time, even before you met her. If she were to return, you would be anxious again, the heavy feeling would be there again. Please understand that. But this doesn’t mean that your life is ruined. Your life, with the capital L, hasn’t even begun! You can get better, you can heal those internal issues (including the heavy feeling you get in intimate relationships), you can also reduce your anxiety. Your life can be much better. But you need to decide you want to try.

Dear Lily Margarette,

I would like help in being able to build my self-esteem in order to sort myself put with earning money. … The problem is I have no idea how to do this.

If you feel incapable of earning money, including scared of failing if you even try something, there must be a story that you are telling yourself, e.g. “I am not good enough”, or “I am too old”, or “I don’t have proper skills”, which keeps playing in your mind. What is the story, i.e. the negative self-talk that you have been telling yourself?

On your previous thread, you spoke about the reasons why you married your husband:

I married him because i loved him, and thought he’d protect me and the family we have and make me feel safe.

In what ways you didn’t feel safe enough and unable to protect yourself? Inspired by anita’s last question, is it perhaps his ability to provide for you and the family what attracted you (among other things), because you felt unprotected financially while growing up?

Dear Ryan,

However, I finally found someone and have my first appointment this afternoon.

Good to hear that! How did it go?

I have learned so much about myself and have given myself a year here to just focus on myself and counseling. I am optimistic that I can FINALLY make some real, positive change–especially when it comes to forming emotional attachments and being vulnerable.

I am rooting for you too! You did learn a lot about yourself, and based on what you’ve shared here, you’ve learned to be quite open and vulnerable too:

she has helped me to open up more than anyone has in some time. We’ve had some real “heart-to-hearts” these past few months, which has been therapeutic in a sense.

I can imagine it felt therapeutic, since you felt seen and could share emotionally, unlike with your mother. But there are still some blocks, and perhaps the fear of commitment (i.e. emotional attachment, as you called it), is one of those blocks. So, emotional sharing – YES, forming emotional attachment – NO. For now…

I too fully expected (and respected) my ex’s decision to no longer communicate; however, that only lasted a day or two. She texts nearly every day. She is extremely depressed and not sleeping, which I of course harbor guilt for.

Is she blaming you? You don’t need to feel guilty for her depression. She was depressed before she met you. She then formed an unhealthy attachment to you, seeing you as her “savior”. And now that you have left, she is depressed again and doesn’t want to do anything to feel better (like going to the gym, or seek therapy, or other things you suggested). Maybe she wants to stay in the victim mode, blaming you, or herself, or both.

She is trying to be supportive of my efforts to seriously improve my mental health, but she is not working to do the same for herself. I am trying to remain supportive of her, but grow frustrated as I feel both responsible and helpless. I’ve pleaded with her to find a counselor, go to the gym, or try going to bed earlier, but it all falls on deaf ears.

I understand you would like to help her feel better, but you aren’t responsible for her mental health. Unless she wants to help herself, you can’t do much about it. Please don’t blame yourself. You did leave her, but you aren’t responsible for her happiness. Can you see that?

I did sign up at a gym here and plan to start next week. I did find a “Circle of Friends” group on the Meetup website and will work to start socializing/making contacts soon.

Sounds great – wish you success!

I am very committed to making a real, substantial change in my mental health, and I do appreciate having the support of you and the TB community, Teak

You are very welcome, Ryan. I applaud your determination and commitment to get better and be able to enjoy life more fully.

Dear Ryan,

sorry for a late reply, I have been busy and had less time for Tiny Buddha.

I am glad you’ve arrived safely to your new destination. How did the appointment at the mental health clinic go?

The woman I left behind is dealing with the aftermath of my departure as best she could. She laments that should never have pushed for more knowing I was leaving and couldn’t offer more due to circumstances, to wishing I had not wasted her time believing we’d have a future. I tried to explain that I need to focus solely on myself and deal with the “emotional neglect” and difficulty forming attachments, and while she tried to be understanding, she is upset–to say the least. She regrets “every stupid day.” It’s hard to explain my feelings when love and emotions are involved, but she does not want to speak to me ever again.

Her reaction is quite normal – she is hurt and blaming both herself and you. She has the right to not want to speak with you again, so respect that…

I cannot do this to another woman, so I know that I must get help.

Well, yes, it’s good that you are aware of the pattern, so maybe next time you are attracted to someone (or they to you), you don’t rush into the relationship immediately. Try to be aware of your true needs (based on our conversation, one of your needs is not to feel lonely; another is to share your deepest thoughts and feelings with another person), and see how you can meet those needs without necessarily engaging in a romantic relationship.

I did enroll at a local gym here and signed up for a Meetup account. With any luck, I can make some friends soon…and be open with them.

Sounds good! Have you made some contacts already?

• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Tee.

Dear Javier,

yes, it’s normal to feel anger, and I would say it’s a good sign because till now you’ve been blaming yourself for everything, and saw your mother as a victim of yours. If there is now anger coming up, it might mean you’re realizing that some of the things she did were hurtful, that she wasn’t a perfectly loving mother at all times, and that there are reasons for your anger.

A child’s anger shows that his/her needs weren’t met. Your needs as a child were most certainly not met (e.g. the need for security as one of the most important ones). As part of your healing, you’ll need to get in touch with those healthy needs, and also process the anger and resentment towards your parents for not meeting those needs – your father for severely abusing you, and your mother for not protecting you from his abuse. So again, I’d say your anger is a good sign, and a necessary part of your healing journey.

Life is short, and I regret every moment I spend hating and dwelling on things from the past. I usually “run” away from these feelings, but now I’m stuck and have nowhere to hide.

We can’t heal before we feel and process all our feelings. So it’s good that you are feeling your anger and not suppressing it like before… If you work with it in therapy, it will transform into something more constructive, e.g. power and determination to take some positive action in your life.

Dear Peace,

it’s like 80 pro cent Informatics and 20 % medical .and I m more interested in IT side like doing programming stuff..

Good! If you are more interested in programming and the IT side, and not so much in the medical part, it means it’s a better career choice for you than being a medical doctor (or a physiotherapist). You made a good choice, following your own preferences!

ya she responded.she said she dint say anything wrong .and she keep asking “ what wrong did I say??” several times..

It’s a pity she doesn’t see how hurtful her words are… Also, when your husband told her she should be proud of you, she asked why should she be proud of you since you didn’t become that what she expected of you (medical doctor or physiotherapist). It tells me she has very little empathy and understanding for you, truly believing that you shouldn’t have a say in what you do with your life…

Dear Peace,

I am so sorry you’re being attacked like this by your eldest sister. I think her attack is vicious and unfair because she accused you of “blackmailing, disturbing and torturing my family member“, making you seem like a villain and a criminal, whereas you haven’t blackmailed or tortured anyone, as far as I know.

I went back and checked your older posts, and this is what you said about the financial support you’ve received from your family:

my elder sis went till uni ( was doing her Master ) when my dad was sick or even before that when we were facing  financial problems my sister started financially supporting us  by giving tuition classes or doing teaching ..Our days started being better when all my elder sister giving tuition classes or teaching in school along with completing their own Studies .they were not only arranging their own expenses but also supporting younger siblings like me .we were not that much broke .our circumtances started to improve  but after dads sickness we were again struggling emotionally ,mentally after learning that there is no treatment (at that time) .

my sis was spending more money on our (my and other siblings) Education .she wanted us to have a good career .and when i was in college she decided she will send me abroad for studies…she sold her Savings (Gold ) and also my other sister contributed with their Savings , taking loans.. as i landed here i had enough blocked money for my first year so i started working here, doing Student jobs waitress, working in backery, or production companies  ( as i learnt German language and i am advanced in it ,i started getting better jobs ) so i finance myself and sometimes my family by sending money to my mom  or sis but she doesnt want me to do that ..

So your eldest sister was a major bread winner for the family after and even before your father got sick: she supported your family and financed her own studies by giving tuition classes and teaching. She also helped her younger siblings, including you, because she wanted them to get a good education and a good career. She decided to send you to study abroad (in Germany), and for that purpose, she sold her gold savings, while your other sister took a loan, so you would have enough money for your first year in Germany. You soon started working and were able to finance yourself fully, and were even sending money back to your family.

You say:

i am thinking to talk to my husband to wait 1_1.5 years till i complete my studies and talk to them again …

because they really spent money on me …i dont know …i should pay them back and do wait..

Well, I think the best way is to give them back the money you owe them, which is the worth of the gold and the loan your other sister took. Those are the direct costs of your 2 sisters financing your trip, perhaps tuition too (?), and the first year in Germany. I think that would be a a fair amount, and they won’t have the basis for complaining how much they sacrificed for you.

As for the rest, your sister (and the rest of your family?) is trying to emotionally blackmail you (so it’s actually her who is blackmailing you, not vice versa.) She is disturbed, upset and outraged because your choices don’t match her expectations, and her biggest concern is “what would the people say?” if you marry this guy. This is exacerbated by her husband’s criticism, so they are both railing up against you.

I can imagine it hurts you a lot, because you said how much your eldest sister’s opinion means to you:

i met my eldest sister after a long time ,i always wanted to be close to her and i always wishes that she should be proud of me because i craved that attention

She might have been like a parent figure to you, since she did support you and your other siblings financially for such a long time. It’s understandable that you would like to please her and make her happy. But it seems she is very judgmental of you, e.g. she criticized your looks recently, even before she knew anything about your husband:

she was critically judging me and putting me down bcz i did make up and she was telling me till 2 days i was looking so awful in that way .

She still sees you as a child, and treats you like that. She believes you don’t know what is good for you and that you are making wrong decisions:

she was so angry at me that she was saying i m a child ,emotional,i dont know about people etc.

she put me down on those messages by saying i m very inconsistant (may be because i refused to a guy which they wanted me too)… and how immature childish i m..and that she is so fed up of my childish behaviour

she thinks i never achieved anything here

Perhaps a part of her concern is that in the past you had some relationships which weren’t good for you, and she doesn’t know that you’ve changed since then and healed much of that stuff. So a part of her problem might be that she sees the old you – a lonely girl who craved for love and got involved with men who didn’t care about you or respect you. She doesn’t know you have changed since then. But another part of the problem is that she seems judgmental in general, and might have been criticizing you for a long time.

You said that when last you met, she ignored you: “this time even though i m now adult ,independent, i was somehow ignored by her”. This probably means she saw a child in you – someone whom she used to criticize a lot (am I right in thinking that?). In that encounter in October 2021, the only thing she could see was your make-up, and she put you down for it. She didn’t have a nice word for you…

Also, she doesn’t respect your choices, e.g. she doesn’t respect the fact that you didn’t like physiotherapy but chose to study something you like better. It tells me she doesn’t care about your preferences… in her mind, you should do what she expects you to do. Both with your studies and in choosing whom to marry.

She doesn’t wish you well – she doesn’t care about your happiness, but only what she deems proper. And her motivation is selfish – to spare herself and the family from public humiliation. They had (and still have) racist views, and now they would feel humiliated by you marrying someone from a lower caste. They don’t care about you, but about themselves (we’ve already talked about this).

I hope you see how your sister and the rest of your family isn’t working in your best interest, even if in the past she helped you financially and supported your education. But emotionally, it seems she wasn’t very supportive, and now she became outright hostile.

I think you should repay your debt to them and cut contact, as anita said, because you are only getting accusations from them, and also their treatment of your husband is appalling. And he truly doesn’t deserve that, as you said. I know it’s hard for you to cut contact, but if your sister is forcing you to live against yourself and wants to deny you happiness, what else is there to do?