Dear thesedays,

it seems you feel that you should make your decision now, immediately, whether to break up with her, or stay:

For those years of trying, I know the time has come. … I wanna be firm on my position right now and decide which path I should go.

What causes that urgency? Is she expecting you to commit? Or your environment is (e.g. family’s expectations to get married, things like that)?

I would like to ask (you don’t need to answer if you don’t feel comfortable talking about it): what do you feel is missing from your current relationship? You said your relationship is “peaceful”. But there is something missing… Do you know what it is?

Dear Katrine,

Yes they were all we have your back, we will help you out!

Have you actually asked them if they have spoken to him about you, and what did he say?

You said one of your work colleagues, who is currently working in another country till December, had been putting pressure on your before the yoga date. What kind of pressure was she putting? Was she encouraging you to talk to him? Did she promise she’d talk to him, but she never did?

A couple of weeks ago, that same girl invited everyone to join her for drinks after work, but she didn’t invite you. And you felt excluded and rejected:

one of the girls (the one adding pressure on me before the date) asking people to join her after work for drinks (last friday and today) but didn’t included me. Do now i feel both heartbroken and like i am slowly being cut off for some reason.

Another problem is that when your female colleagues get drunk, they “start touching him and dancing around him, and talking about him and his birthday party in a place where I can hear them when they know how I feel“.

I am sensing some insincerity on their part, specially from the colleague who is now in another country. If she promised to help you, or was encouraging you to approach him, and then a few days later didn’t invite you to go to drinks with the rest of the group – that’s insincere.

Another problem is their partying habits: it seems these girls regularly get drunk, perhaps not to the point of oblivion, but definitely to the point of not having too many inhibitions. And then they do and say things they wouldn’t when they are sober. You being there in their vicinity only hurts you.

I think you should rethink hanging out with these people (or confiding in them either). First, because they might be insincere. And second, because they make a mess of themselves when they drink, and you don’t really need to witness that…

Dear thosedays,

you’re very welcome.

Should I give up searching and remains where I am now?

Well, I think you should first heal the emotional wounds that caused you “severe heartbreak” and “emotional breakdown” after your first girlfriend broke up with you. (I assume she broke up with you, right? Because you were the one who suffered immensely afterwards…)

When we have such a strong reaction, being debilitated by pain (I can’t describe the pain just that I was very vulnerable that time, anything bad happen will trigger my emotional breakdown), it means that your feeling of self-love was very weak or non-existent. And when your girlfriend broke up with you, you probably felt not just unloved but also unlovable.

Your girlfriend was maybe meeting some of your emotional needs, and when she left you, you might have suddenly felt like a child all alone in the world, with no one to give him what he needs, no one to take care of him. Does any of this ring true?

You said that after the breakup, you had no one to talk to. Which means that you don’t have a strong support system, consisting of family and friends, and you probably very much depended on your girlfriend to give you what you need. Without her, you might have felt lost.

If any of this rings true, I think your priority should be to heal those emotional wounds, i.e. meet those unmet childhood needs, before you start looking for another partner, or commit to your current girlfriend. I would start working on myself before changing anything in my current relationship.

You’re welcome, i-am-one! 🙂

Dear Katrine,

My parents did treat me different than my sister, they didn’t have the resources to deal with two sick children and so I had to fight my own battles.

Whenever my sister or family member would hurt me they didn’t really want to deal with it, so they always told me to forget about it. Like when I was ten I got a pet bird and when I told my grandmother she called me an animals abuser. I went home crying but was told to not think about it. That makes you feel worthless. Like it’s okay for other people to hurt you, you are not worth protecting.

I understand. I mean, even if your sister’s symptoms were “bigger” and more severe, and the care of your sister took a lot of their time and energy, it was wrong of your parents to not react in situations like with the pet bird. Because your grandmother behaved horribly, accusing you of being an animal abuser (!), and your parents should have called her out on that. They should have not only spoken with her, but they should have also told you that it wasn’t right from the granny to tell you this, and they should have reassured you that you’re not an animal abuser, and that owning a pet bird doesn’t mean animal abuse.

So they should have reacted because it was clearly child abuse at the hands of your grandmother. It was really mean and harmful to tell such a thing to a child!

I understand how unworthy you must have felt – because as you said, it’s like “we don’t care about you, we don’t care how horribly someone treats you. You’re not important.” The message you got is that you’re not important, and that’s probably one of the key core beliefs that you developed about yourself.

Your parents’ failure to protect you from verbal and emotional abuse by others left you vulnerable and helpless around people, which probably added to your anxiety. Maybe that’s why you were so afraid to ride on a bus, for example. So it could be that their negligence directly contributed to your anxiety. In addition to that is the message “you are not worthy”, or “you are less worthy than others”, which is the conclusion you draw based on their negligence.

Of course, it’s a false conclusion, because you are as worthy as anybody else… I hope you can see it and accept it, slowly but surely.

I am glad this past week was relatively good for you, that you got more sleep and weren’t in pain. And also that you felt more relaxed when going out with your friends from work.

Dear i-am-one,

another example of magical thinking is believing that with the power of your prayers, you can literally save the world. That you as a person have much greater power than you actually have. So magical thinking in spiritual communities can be a sort of megalomaniac, grandiose thinking.

Superstition is also an example of magical thinking, e.g. if I go to church every Sunday, I’ll be saved. If not, I’ll be in trouble.

Dear Rhonda,

it is indeed a sad and complicated story. So, B’s ex is a drug addict who already had 2 children. At the time she met B, she was homeless and running from the authorities. She was high all the time throughout their “relationship”. I guess B too was on drugs at that time…. When did he become sober?

For some reason, B is keen to get custody of his daughter. You’re not sure why:

I don’t know if he’s fighting for his daughter for right or wrong reasons. He bragged to everyone how he’s getting her, and I worry it’s for show instead of love.

Yes, it’s unusual that someone with his background would be so keen on fighting for his child. But as you say, maybe it is to prove to everyone (to his parents?) that he is someone, that he is worthy. That he is able to be a “decent man” and not a crook. However, the way he is treating you in regard to E, as well as his expectations that you should take care of his daughter – show that he is not a decent man. That on one hand he is immature, as you say, but also that he’s manipulative and possibly hiding his true intentions.

His parents are trying to manipulate you too. His father told you:

if you don’t want his daughter or the baby in your stomach we will take them both!

That’s probably a lie, because they show no interest in their granddaughter, they never call and check on her, and they “pretty much refuse to go to Arizona for court”. His father even refuses that she has special needs, even though she was diagnosed with fetal alcohol syndrome.

Add to that that B’s mother is traveling for work – I am sure they wouldn’t be able to take care of their granddaughter, at least not properly. And then you, who seem to be a good-hearted and conscientious person – would be sorry for the child and would probably take her on 100% of the time. B may be counting on that too. Maybe he picked you as the right “candidate” for the task, and that’s why he started chasing you from Day 1 (accidentally or not, the day you met is the day after his daughter was born).

Honestly I’ve wanted to really come clean about my concerns to the case worker, but I don’t feel it’s my business. Any advise on a right answer for that part?

I am not sure about that either. Maybe anita will have a suggestion? Actually it is your business if you plan on staying with him. Because if you do, and even if you’re not married but only live together, I think you might have some legal responsibility regarding his daughter. Provided he gets custody. But I don’t know for sure, it’s just a speculation.

What’s for sure is that the court decision will affect your daily life greatly – if you choose to stay with him and he gets custody. I don’t know what the court takes into account when making their decision? Do they take into account his marital status, i.e. whether he has a stable relationship? Will they call you to testify?

Dear Rhonda,

I am sorry that you are in a difficult situation, having lost both of your parents, your 2 grandmothers and close friends, all in the last 5 years. I understand that you want to make things work with your boyfriend, because you feel that you wouldn’t be able to take care of your newborn and your 6-yr old son without a support system. And even if you were able to make it on your own, logistically and financially, you don’t want to do it alone. And I understand that, because it’s painful to be all alone in the world.

But it’s good that you are also cautious about getting even more deeply involved (getting married) before you clarify some things with your boyfriend:

I want to figure out this thing with his friend and whether or not we need to continue trying to make this work because I won’t be constantly disrespected in my relationship and not be able to stand up for myself.

That’s a good attitude! You have the right to know the truth, and you also have the right to be in a healthy relationship, and not in this weird triangle, where the nature of the relationship between E and B is not even clear.

What is for sure is that B is very protective of E, and he might not even be interested in counseling. Because when you told him (rightfully) that he is the only one who can do anything about E’s behavior, you “got silence from him and a subject change”.

I think he also tried to minimize the problem, by saying that “he thinks everything about it is dumb and childish including the way his friend is acting.” As if he is saying that it’s not such a big problem (it’s “dumb and childish”). He also says E’s behavior is “dumb and childish” – again minimizing E’s possibly very dysfunctional behavior, where he is pining for your boyfriend and seeing him as a lover.

Your boyfriend is either not seeing the reality of the situation, or he does see it, but consciously minimizes it and denies it, so you wouldn’t make a problem of it. He even wants to marry you, while keeping the status quo with E – which might mean he wants to marry for your selfish reasons, and not because he loves you and is dedicated to you.

You said that when you confronted E, “I got called crazy and was threatened to be left if I didn’t drop it“.

Has your boyfriend threatened to leave you if you don’t stop “attacking” E?

I must say I am very suspicious about E’s and B’s current relationship. Also, about E’s intentions. You said that when they met, E offered to help your boyfriend change his life. But he hasn’t really helped him change, has he, since he allowed him to “do all the same stuff he was doing”. Does it mean that E allowed B to continue giving sexual favors in exchange for drugs and money? It’s also possible that E was B’s customer on the night they met, but then their relationship grew into something more.

You said E took care of your boyfriend and provided a ride to jobs. What kind of jobs were those? You said B has just recently received his first paycheck in a long time. Does this mean he hasn’t been working in the past years, while he was with E? And now, he found a job 12 hours away from where you live. Do you know anything about that job?

Dear Rhonda, I don’t like to sound alarmist, but it seems to me there are a lot of murky things going on, even now, and that B might be hiding things from you. I think the least you should do is try to find out the truth. To not allow yourself to be fooled.

You were fooled at the very beginning of your relationship, when B lied to you about the rude gay guy. You said “I’m not sure why I made excuses or stayed” – maybe because you felt so alone, and you didn’t want to be alone any more? But it’s better to be alone (and seek a reliable and trustworthy support system) than to be living a lie, and possibly exposing yourself and your children to all kinds of perils.