Dear Michelle,

ON paper the relationship probably appears to be unworkable, and he may appear to be more damaged, but I do want to stress as Anita, pointed out that sometimes the responses I feel I’ve gotten have come from a place of potential bias or impatience. I’m sure that some of the things I point out about my relationship with this man remind anyone who is reading about a relationship they have had.

That’s true, I am speaking from a personal experience in an unequal relationship, in which there was an unhealthy mother-child dynamic, instead of two adults, so this affects my judgment for sure. My attraction for this person came from a place of hurt, and I suffered in the relationship. Luckily it didn’t last long.

But for you, it doesn’t sound like you are suffering, at least not any more. It seems you are learning to accept him as he is, while setting some boundaries to protect yourself:

Anytime he crosses a line, where he gets “disappointed” in me I will remind him that he did not appropriately communicate what his needs were, and that he cannot expect me to rise to a concealed expectation. I told him I am not perfect, and I will always try to work with him, and respect his differences, but he must also respect mine and be willing to acknowledge my efforts for things I do.

So you are not allowing to be unfairly criticized or condemned by him. That’s good. And you say you don’t feel abused, which is also good (I can see that he is trying little by little, and there is no abuse in our relationship).

People with OCPD can be intolerant and harsh and can use every excuse in the book to separate from you and try to remain independent, but I still love him just the same.

Is he intolerant and harsh too? Or he is learning to be more tolerant and less harsh, as you are setting boundaries around some of his harsh behavior?

He has already tried sleeping in my bed more often to adjust. Baby steps. I think him having his own room to retire to and have his own space will help a lot, as well as me working three nights a week where he can unwind on his own.

Yes, him having his own room sounds like a very good idea. Is that possible in your current apartment, or you would need to rent a bigger apartment, to have a spare room for him?

yes I would’ve raised the child on my own had he not wanted to be a part of that.

Good, it means you feel ready and capable of raising a child on your own. That’s quite remarkable (again, this is me speaking from my own bias, since I myself would have felt very inadequate if I had to raise a child alone).

I can see now that he greatly wanted to be a part of it and would want it in the future.

That’s nice too, at least he’s not against it a priori.

I agree in trying to better oneself and seek help and grow to our ultimate potential, but at the same time, we must accept who are in this moment, and we must accept others as they are in this moment (as long as they do not inflict harm on us or others).

Yes, it’s important that you don’t feel emotionally abused and suffering. Usually, another precondition for a successful relationship is that we should accept the person as they are, without trying to change them, without even hoping that they should change. It seems to me you are accepting him as he is at the moment, but still hoping he would change – with your help – slowly, gradually, with lots of compassion and understanding on your part (We need to be compassionate as much as we are critical. At the moment compassion is working for my relationship.)

My premise and experience so far was that trying to change someone who is emotionally unavailable and wounded doesn’t really work… but for the two of you, it might work, if both of you have enough patience and compassion with each other. In any case, you are determined to keep going, to give it a try, and I wish you all the best. I wish that you can be truly happy and content in the relationship.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by Tee.

Dear Ashmitha,

how have you been doing? I hope you are having pleasant holidays!

Dear Javier,

how have you been doing? I am thinking of you and hoping that you are having pleasant holidays!

• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by Tee.

Dear OrangeHeart,

how have you been doing?

Dear aphroitte1,

I am sorry you are feeling sad and disappointed that your old boyfriend hasn’t changed. Unfortunately, it was to be expected, considering his behavior over the years. If a person doesn’t go through some serious healing and transformation, there is no reason why they would change.

I am very dissapointed and I’ve just realized that this won’t change like ever. I could wait another 70 years and he still won’t show me love and treat me like I deserve to be treated. It’s not because he can’t, he doesn’t want to.

It’s a good realization. Till now, all this time, you were hoping he would be different whenever you got back together. But it never happened – the end result was always the same: he left, or sent you away, accusing you of destroying him mentally. He was accusing you, even though you said you did everything to make the relationship work, agreed to his conditions, begged him to stay etc. Similarly like you agreed to secrecy with your latest boyfriend too.

I can imagine you didn’t ask much for yourself, just to be treated with basic respect and decency. However, you weren’t given any of that, but as you said, you got lack of respect and white lies.

Unfortunately, a part of you agreed to this kind of treatment, because you yourself said this newest rekindling of your relationship was nothing official or serious:

We were seeing each other for a month and a half, nothing official nor serious.

I imagine you would like your romantic relationships to be official and serious, and to be treated like a proper girlfriend, and be official, so that everyone knows about it. But the guys you are with aren’t able or willing to treat you like that – they reject you and keep you a secret. And you, because of your insecurity, used to accept their disrespect and lesser treatment. You used to agree to being kept a secret and to believing that you are the problem, not them.

You now demanded a better treatment from your old/current boyfriend – to acknowledge your anniversary and show you some love and appreciation, show you that he cares about you, that you are important to him. But instead, he told you this date doesn’t mean anything and explained why you should never celebrate it.

No wonder you felt very hurt and angry. Why would someone who loves you reject to celebrate your first date? And should you be with a person who so vehemently refuses to appreciate that date, and by extension – refuses to appreciate YOU?

The answer is no, of course. And I hope you’ve come to the same conclusion, aphriotte1. It appears you have:

I could wait another 70 years and he still won’t show me love and treat me like I deserve to be treated. It’s not because he can’t, he doesn’t want to.

Yes, you’re seeing that right, I am afraid. He isn’t able to give you the love and appreciation you deserve. And you shouldn’t be hoping any more that things will change.

I feel little quilty because I hanged up like that, but when I remember how many times he hanged up, never actually picked up the phone, ignored me, blocked me etc.. I just justify every anger I have right now.

Don’t feel guilty for hanging up. Your anger is justified, in the sense that you refuse to accept his BS any more. You refuse to be  blamed and disrespected, you refuse to beg for his love and then receive breadcrumbs, if that at all.

Use your anger constructively: to say STOP to this relationship, to say stop to the emotional abuse you’ve been taking for so many years. Enough is enough. Turn your anger into DETERMINATION to respect yourself and not allow anybody to disrespect you, deny you, keep you a secret, or blame you for treating you badly.

I hope you’ll have the strength to put an end on this relationship and turn a new page, entering the New Year!

• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by Tee.

Dear Carson,

I’ve read your two other threads as well. You’ve been through a lot, and I believe you had a very confusing and tormenting childhood. Your father behaved in very inappropriate and sexually (and psychologically) harmful ways with you, while your mother didn’t do anything to protect you. As anita said, your mother now seems disappointed that you are having mental problems and aren’t able to get better quickly. She is basically blaming you for having been traumatized and suffering consequences, although every child would have been traumatized in your place.

Your father also blamed you when you refused to bathe with him when you got a little older. Again, blaming you for something that is absolutely not your fault, but in fact a natural instinct of self-defense.

As a result of all this blame and making you a bad person and somehow faulty, you feel guilt and shame about yourself, when in fact, you are the victim in all this, and your counselor is right:

My counselor tells me to see myself as a victim more as opposed to bullying myself. But I am having trouble going through this.

No wonder you have a hard time seeing yourself as a victim – because your parents have been telling you all along that it’s your fault, not theirs.

You also feel a tremendous amount of anger – justified anger – because a part of you knows that what they did was wrong. A part of you wants to protect yourself and fight back. When this anger is suppressed, it turns into something darker – a wish to harm your parents, and also to harm anyone you feel threatened by, such as the boy you felt attracted to. I think it would be very important to be able to express your anger in a safe, therapeutic setting, because it’s a justified anger. If you express it in a safe, controlled environment, it won’t torment you any more, threatening to become dangerous to yourself or others. It will also allow you to protect yourself and set boundaries. To know that it was you who was harmed by your parents, not vice versa.

I think it’s really important for you to stop blaming yourself for being unwell, for having issues, for not being able to just snap out of it and get on with your life. Those things take time. But first, you’d need to acknowledge that it’s you who have been harmed, not your parents. It’s not your fault, but theirs. The wound will need time healing. Give yourself time. Try to have compassion for yourself, because that’s what you need the most right now.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by Tee.

Dear Isabel,

you are very welcome, I am glad I could help.

Yes I was attracted and yes I did want to have sex with him, but I didn’t I stopped it, and apart from a couple of times in April when I had two indiscretions (thanks again Anita), the reason for me to stray was due to a need that I needed filling.  Yes, I did feel amazing I had a skip in my step I was buzzing at life.

It’s great you can see it as it is – because indeed it was a legitimate need (to feel appreciated and respected, and to be treated with kindness). It’s good you are aware of it, so please don’t blame yourself if you feel that need again. I imagine it would be important in the future to start demanding respect from your husband as well, however you might not be able to do it just yet.  I guess first you’d need to work on that childhood wound and start loving and valuing yourself, in order to be able to demand it from others too.

I do hope you can find a good, compassionate counselor, and slowly but surely start building up your self-esteem. Please post about your progress, or if you have any other questions or doubts.

Dear Isabel,

you are most welcome.

As I type this, I am thinking to myself, what I did although wrong was not that bad if I reframe it. I had self control, I could have easily got carried away with my colleague and had sex with him, there were multiple times he asked me to stay at his or meet him in a hotel all of which I declined.

Absolutely – you had enough self-control and stopped it from going too far. You resisted his advancements, even though you liked him a lot and he was tempting you. You should congratulate yourself for having the resolve and the self-control to draw the line and say No.

I think the problem for me is that I have built this up some much and told a story to myself that I am such a bad person and I am going to lose everything because of this, in fact, although it was wrong I was looking for comfort at the time and I found it in someone who had respect for me and saw the good in me – does that make sense?

It makes a lot of sense. You said earlier that your husband is very controlling and that it was hard to spend so much time with him during lockdown. I can imagine you were craving for some positive attention – something different than his frequent criticism and control. Your colleague, who is also your boss (an authority figure whom you respect and admire) showed you respect and kindness, which is what you have been craving for so long.

No wonder this made you feel appreciated and valued, and you felt good about yourself. Perhaps you haven’t felt so good about yourself in a very long time! Because spending such a long time with your husband, in lockdown, most probably didn’t do you good (I guess after being in lock down it was nice to get attention from someone else… This on top of having to homeschool and be at home under one roof was getting too much.)

I think the problem for me is that I have built this up some much and told a story to myself that I am such a bad person and I am going to lose everything

Yes, you have been telling yourself that you are a bad person, when it is not true at all. I hope you see the reality – that you are not a bad person but that you have been brought up to believe that about yourself. You are a good person, who just wants to be loved and respected, who wants to be treated with kindness, not with criticism and judgment. This is a legitimate need, which we all have. The little Isabel needs love and kindness from you. It’s the same love and kindness that you, the adult Isabel, needed from your colleague…

Try to give yourself love and kindness. When you hear that harsh critical voice telling you that you are a bad person, tell it to STOP! And then embrace the little Isabel and tell her you love her very much and that she hasn’t done anything wrong.

If you aren’t able to be that voice of loving kindness to yourself, try to find a therapist who embodies the qualities of love and kindness – preferably a woman, who is a soft, motherly type, who will listen to you and accept you without judgment. You need a non-judgmental listening ear, which friends cannot always give you (and you wouldn’t want to confide in them necessarily).

I have booked a doctor’s appointment for my anxiety to see if there is something they can do to help, I had a bad night last night and work up having a panic attack and palpitations.

Good that you’ve booked an appointment! If the therapist is a compassionate type, who can provide you with kindness and lots of understanding, I think that would be really helpful.