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TeeParticipantDear canary,
I feel my family accepts me completely but they don’t fully understand me.
Right. What comes to mind is that your mother accepted you completely (never shamed you, criticized you or similar), however she didn’t understand what you were going through when being bullied, so she couldn’t adequately help you. You told her you have anxiety about going to school, and she let you stay at home rather than trying to help you deal with that anxiety. Your father didn’t even know about the problems you were facing at school. So you were mostly left to your own devices to navigate those difficult emotions and situations you were faced with. That’s why I believe you developed anxiety in the first place.
Could it be that this lack of understanding that you feel from your family stems from the lack of understanding of your psychological problems, of your struggle with depression and anxiety? And your ex perhaps understood you because he went through something similar or had someone in the family who also suffered from anxiety and depression?
The thing is, with my ex, I felt he understood some parts of me that no one ever understood before. … I think it was just nice having that part of you being understood and having the same energy being reciprocated in the relationship.
Would you say that “that part of you” refers to the part who struggled with depression and anxiety?
TeeParticipantDear canary,
My image of myself has changed and I don’t feel my quirks or personality is something I should be ashamed of. I do water down my personality in front of people because it takes a while for me to warm up enough to be myself completely, but I don’t believe it’s a bad thing.
That’s good, it means you grew and can better accept your individuality. Great!
The other people are just classmates or mutual friends that I’m not super close to but we know each other. Now that I think about it, I’m not sure why I care about their opinion. Because we aren’t even close, but I still care about the way they perceive me.
Right. We can never be liked by everyone, so perhaps you’d need to accept that some people won’t necessarily like you, but it has nothing to do with you, but with their own preferences? How does that sound to you?
I feel unappreciated because my personality is not being appreciated in the same way it was when I was with my ex. I do appreciate myself and I accept my personality as it is, but I still feel unappreciated and I’m not exactly sure why.
Perhaps it is just you who accepts yourself completely (the way your ex used to), but no one else? How about your family? Do you feel they accept you completely? I remember you said you have two older siblings, and that they had each other for support, while you felt alone perhaps? This is what you said in your previous thread:
I have 2 older siblings and I’m the youngest. My older siblings are one year apart so they had each other for support. I am the youngest and my parents decided that when I was born they would parent me better and I was the closest to my mother. My siblings grew up afraid because my father was strict and would yell a lot. My father didn’t yell at me as much but I learned to stand up for myself because of it. Honestly, I was given the most attention out of my siblings because I was the youngest and my parents wanted me to have a happy childhood.
In this scenario, it could be possible that your siblings were a little jealous of you because you were treated better than them? And also, because you were younger, they didn’t feel that bond with you as they felt with each other? I am totally guessing here, so please disregard if this wasn’t the case.
TeeParticipantDear Lily Margarette,
But i see no other option as im financially dependant on him anyway and i wouldnt want to break up my kids home. Theyre having their own issues with school and i dont think they could take the stress of it.
I see your dilemma. It’s not an easy situation, specially since your kids are pretty small. How old are they?
No i mean im not sure how much longer i can stay in a marraige thats fundamentally unhappy.
I think it would help if you’d evaluate your marriage and see how much you can live in a “peaceful cohabitation” with your husband, and is it even possible, without feeling horribly about yourself or him all the time. How is he as a father, as a person (aside from his blindness around his family)? How dysfunctional (or healthy) is your family life at present? I think these are all factors to consider when planning your next steps…
TeeParticipantDear canary,
We were always making jokes and acting silly, so that is what I mean by my “weird quirks”.
I see, so you were on the same wavelength with him, had a similar sense of humor, and it was pleasant and enjoyable to spend time with him, making jokes and having fun. Other people didn’t necessarily like your jokes or your behavior, and you didn’t feel appreciated by them. You couldn’t be yourself around them, you needed to hide that part of yourself. With him, you could be yourself.
Since you’re not together anymore and his behavior changed drastically – how do you feel about those quirks of yours now? Do you feel they are bad? Has your image of yourself changed, because he isn’t supportive any more?
I’m not sure if my family/friends didn’t appreciate those parts of me that I consider to be bad.
You said “other people” didn’t appreciate it. Who are those other people, besides family and friends, whose opinion you care about?
TeeParticipantDear canary,
your ex boyfriend seems to have been really supportive. He accepted you unconditionally, didn’t criticize you for anything, and appreciated the things about you that you thought were weird and awkward, such as being quiet among people. He also liked your physical appearance, so you felt desirable, unlike before. He also encouraged you and praised you when you stepped out of your comfort zone, to fight back your anxiety.
I embraced my weird quirks and he liked it. When I would act that way in front of other people, they did not like it so I felt the need to hide that part of me. That’s what I meant by “bad sides” of me.
Do you mean when you were quiet in front of others? Or your weird quirks involved something else? Would you mind sharing one example of such a “weird quirk”?
September 9, 2021 at 2:39 am in reply to: Stuck in limbo, fear or loneliness, fear of hurting her #385988TeeParticipantDear Dave,
how are you? Have you moved into your own apartment yet?
TeeParticipantDear Dave,
how are you? Have you managed to come up with some agreement with your wife?
TeeParticipantDear canary,
When my ex entered my life, he would constantly compliment me and appreciate the little quirks that I didn’t know I even had. He appreciated every side of me, good & bad. It gave me so much confidence because I struggled with low self-esteem, it made me feel so nice to be appreciated by someone and being desired. Because of that, I started appreciating myself and others more.
Can you give an example of a bad side of yours that your ex appreciated? It could be that he didn’t mind some of your quirks, or “bad sides”, that your friends and family didn’t appreciate too much?
TeeParticipantDear Felix,
Right now i’m trying to learn to draw digitally… at least to make me good at something… i dont care anymore if what i’m drawing is cartoons, at least it’s better than following someone’s life only not to get judged.
It’s good you’re learning to draw digitally, if you have interest in it. By all means, do what interests you and makes you happy, not what someone else is doing.
i hope i can do it… because if i can draw and also learned chinese language, i can unlock myself with 2 abilities.
Is this the correct way of thinking? I need to be good at many things?
Yes, it’s a good plan. You don’t need to be good at many things. And as I said, do it because you like it, you feel some inclination to it, not because others do it.
It’s the saboteur, i hate it… it keeps giving me endless list of regrets that i made in the past.
Most of my days are ups and down, sometimes the saboteur isnt there, but whenever i feel down it’ll appear and gain control of my head.
Good that you are aware of it, but also be aware that it’s a voice that is not telling the truth. It’s motivated by your fear, it wants to keep you “safe” by not trying anything new, by keeping you stuck in endless thinking and obsessing that paralyzes you for any action. So be aware that the saboteur is not telling the truth. His “defense” is harming you.
My parents told me that i shouldn’t have this kind of attitude, i always feel regret whenever i saw someone who’s the same calibre as me achieved better things… i’ll think “why didn’t i succeed like him, i know i can be better than him”,”how is he better than me now”.
My parents said if i have this kind of mindset, i can crash midway… as i changed my opinion easily…
They are right. They see how your regret and self-doubt is harming you. At least they aren’t judgmental. But they may use your self-doubt to “worry about you”, like they (specially your mother) worried in your childhood. In their childhood, they worried about your eating habits and your health, now they worry about your mindset. This can make it harder for you, because you see it as another reason to criticize yourself.
So when you hear the saboteur’s voice again, try not to criticize it, try not to hate it (It’s the saboteur, i hate it). See it for what it is – a misguided defense mechanism. You can even tell him something like: “I know you are worried about me, like my parents were, and you don’t want me to make mistakes. I understand your motive. But I’ve learned some things about myself now, and I want to try new things because they will make me feel better. I am not afraid to try new things because only through trial and error can I grow. And I want to grow. I don’t want to stay stuck. So thank you for protecting me so far, but I’ve got it now. I can take it from now on. I am growing every day.”
If you try this strategy with your saboteur, let me know how it went…
TeeParticipantDear Lily Margarette,
I spoke to him last night. He told me the family treat me the way they do because I won’t forgive them for the stuff they’ve done and I won’t apologise.
Have they apologized first for the stuff they’ve done to you?
He said his sisters don’t like me because I speak out to their father.
And should you stay silent when someone openly humiliates you and treats you like you have leprosy, when someone on your wedding day tells you you are ugly?!
His words were “how would you like an outsider coming along and having a go at your mum” …. an outsider…that’s how they see me. After 12 years of marriage and 18 years being together
Yes, that’s quite something… it means they never accepted you as part of the family. Probably they only accept those who suck up to them and tolerate their father’s bullying. And even more worrisome is that your husband sees you as an outsider too, those are his words, which means he agrees with his parents and sisters.
Surly it’s up to the individual whom they do or do not forgive? I feel I’m being bullied into forgiving.
Yes you are, you see it well.
He said he gets why I feel the way I do and he has stuck up for me but he wants to get to the point where we are ok as a couple when it comes to family situations and gatherings. I told him I won’t ever stop him from seeing them, but I personally can’t have a relationship with them. So what does he do? He sets up a group WhatsApp with me, him and his mum. I don’t want to say anything to her.
Unfortunately your husband is bullying you into forgiving them. He is forcing you into a relationship under their terms, a humiliating and degrading relationship, where you are not respected at all.
His mum said that I’ve fractured the family. That there’s hurt on both sides, they’ve nearly finished my marriage with their actions, and there’s hurt on BOTH sides!
I understand your frustration. The problem is that your husband is on their side, and is forcing you into a degrading relationship with them. It means that he wants to please them at all costs, disregarding your needs and your feelings.
I feel like just throwing in the towel I’m so sick of the same argument go round and round.
By throwing in the towel you mean you you want to give in to his requests? What are you planning to do?
TeeParticipantDear Lily Margarette,
you are very welcome. How do you feel about the suggestions I made? Do you think you can speak to your husband and demand those conditions to be met?
September 8, 2021 at 6:34 am in reply to: My ex and I still love each other, but can’t be together #385954TeeParticipantDear Candice88,
He feels guilty about the way he acted when we were together, so maybe he gushed all of those emotions at me to make me crack and tell him it’s okay, that he’s clean in my books (which I didn’t do).
Well, based on what you said about him in your latest post, perhaps he doesn’t even feel guilty for how he treated you back then, but was rather worried about his image, about your and other people’s opinion of him, and that’s why he now sold you the story that you mean to him much more than you actually do. I mention other people’s opinions too, because you said that he talked with a mutual friend and that she told him he messed up:
A mutual friend confirmed that he regretted the break up months after it happened, and that she told him how he messed up.
His ego couldn’t handle that people think badly of him. So he tried to change this. He told you how he regrets his actions not because he truly regrets them, but so that you would change your opinion of him. That you would see him in a better light. Which means he is a manipulator.
And that is a good comment about him staying friends with his exes – his exes never had feelings for him, really. They were all one night stands or a week of sex with female friends as they took breaks from their boyfriends. And those all ended with the girls saying “that was fun, let’s go back to just friendship now, don’t take it personally”.
Earlier you said he made you stay friends with his exes:
Additionally, he is friends with all of his exes and has his current gf be friends with them, as he did to me when I was with him, even though he knows it makes her uncomfortable.
Does it mean he made you be friends with his one-night stands and his friends with benefits? How did that function?
I must say, the more I read about the guy, the less I like him. You are much better off that he isn’t reciprocating your feelings and doesn’t want you in his life. How are you feeling about it?
Regarding M, him being in the car is definitely similar to a teenager avoiding their parents in their room. And just for more information, the computer to make his music isn’t in his garage, it’s in the living room. So he just goes out to his garage to do….things (previously meth). For hours. Then comes in to start his music hours after he said he would, usually after midnight, and spends the whole night at the computer. That clarification isn’t too important, but it does explain why the garage is a place of stress for me when he disappears there for such a long time.
It is important, because I thought he was making music in his garage… but if he does it on the computer in the living room, then when he disappears to the garage, no wonder you freak out… Do you think he might be still using, when he disappears to his car or garage, or he is clean now?
You have been so supportive, and offered me so much solid advice and comforting words.
You are very welcome, Candice, I am glad it helped you.
After M, I worry about the lasting effects. I worry that I will miss red flags, and withhold love for a new partner (very much not my style) in fear that a year down the road I will discover they have been lying either through denial/lack of self awareness or manipulation. The last 7 years of my life have been coloured by 3 men like this, 2 of which have drastically affected my life and mental health.
I understand your trepidation. Perhaps if you could list those red flags, which you are aware of now, but weren’t at the time – it would help you get clarity on what to pay attention to. Now looking back, what were the behaviors that were fishy to you and you didn’t like about them, and it later turned out you were right because the guy was a liar or a manipulator?
TeeParticipantDear Lily Margarette,
you are welcome, I am glad you don’t feel like it’s all in your head any more.
The thing I’m most worried about are the children. They don’t have a close bond with his family as they’ve never shown interest but I feel my husband is forcing a relationship on them. My two sons aren’t fond of their aunts as they’ve heard me being bad mouthed by them. One even read nasty text messages on my husband’s phone about me. This really upset my son.
That’s enough of a reason to not allow your children to go visit, only to have to deal with their grandparents and aunts talk rubbish about their mother! If the children don’t want to go, your husband shouldn’t be forcing them. I mean, if he wants to bow his head and take their verbal abuse, well, he can go ahead, but he doesn’t have the right to force that on your children. I would put my foot down and refuse that he takes the children with him when he visits.
If his parents and sisters want to see the children, they can indeed visit you, and you will allow it, out of the kindness of your heart. But in that scenario too, I would forbid any badmouthing you in front of your children. If they can’t help themselves and keep their mouths shut, they aren’t welcome.
If I say to my husband he should go visit them alone he always wants to take the kids and they desperately don’t want to go and I just don’t trust them around my kids as I honestly think they’re toxic. So what do I do? I’ll be accused of being controlling and accused if keeping the kids away.
The kids don’t want to go, and it’s not good for their mental health to be forced to listen to rubbish about their mother. Full stop. Your husband might accuse you of being controlling, but you are protecting the children.
We have a religious family celebration for my son approaching soon and he wants to invite his parents and his sisters and none of them speak to me! He says its important to him they should be there and I’m not being supportive if I can’t do it. These people have ruined nearly every family event. His dad even told me I looked ugly on my wedding day for instance! I’ve literally been dealing with this for all these years and I’m so tired now.
Since this is a special occasion, you can allow this visit, however under the condition that they don’t badmouth you in front of the children. They should treat you nicely and be polite and keep their filthy mouths shut. Your husband should tell them that in advance. If he isn’t willing to, or they end up ridiculing him and laughing at him, well, they aren’t welcome. And if your husband doesn’t agree with your terms, then unfortunately he isn’t respectful of you, and will always side with his parents. And it’s a sign for you to start thinking of separating himself from him.
TeeParticipantDear Ashmitha,
you are welcome.
I am curious if either of you can tell what my attachment style is, from getting to know my deepest thoughts throughout the months. I have always thought I was avoidant since I can come off as emotionally distant and cold, but deep down I feel anxious too. I did a quiz once and got the disorganized attachment style. Curious to hear your thoughts.
Could be. Disorganized attachment style is also called anxious-avoidant, and it’s pretty well described on attachmentproject . com:
“Adults with a disorganized attachment style lack a coherent approach towards relationships. On the one hand, they want to belong. They want to love and be loved.
While on the other hand, they are afraid to let anyone in. They have a strong fear that the people who are closest to them will hurt them.
Adults with a disorganized attachment style fear intimacy and avoid proximity, similar to individuals with an avoidant attachment style. The main difference for disorganized adults is that they want relationships.”
Do you recognize yourself in those traits? From what you’ve shared so far, you want to be in a relationship and couldn’t stay for long without one. When in a relationship, you are reluctant to open up and share what’s bothering you, you’re bottling up your feelings, and I believe it’s for fear of being abandoned. So you are at the same time seeking a relationship, but also fearing to be open and vulnerable in it, and express your needs.
You have made some progress though in this last relationship – you did share your concerns and your needs. You showed your vulnerability. Which is great! Only the person you’ve expressed it to isn’t too responsive. He doesn’t behave like he wants a deeper bond with you. When you share your feelings, he pretends to be full of empathy and understanding, even sometimes “admitting” his mistake, but then he doesn’t act on it and nothing changes in his behavior. That’s why I believe he fakes empathy to get you to keep giving him what he wants. It seems to me that he doesn’t really want to connect with you on a deeper level, or open up about his own feelings and emotions.
You said his father is an alcoholic (I know he has gone through his own hardships as another child of an alcoholic father who now has no relationship with his father.) Does he ever share about that? Does he ever share about his childhood and what he’s been through? Do you talk about those painful things that you have in common?
TeeParticipantDear Lily Margarette,
you are very welcome.
I spoke to him today and he feels by visiting them it’s sorted it out even though I’ve had no apology or heard anything from his parents.
It’s sorted out for him – he feels stressed if he doesn’t smooth things out with his parents, so he apologizes, maybe even in your name, or says something like “oh, she didn’t mean it”, and that’s how he appeases them and maintains a courteous relationship with them. But it’s not sorted out for you, because you’re made to be the guilty party and they are innocent. So things are upside down. And your husband unfortunately is keeping things upside-down and contributes to this unfair situation.
I told him I can’t have a relationship with his sisters and parents because I find the negativity they project is too much for my mental health.
You’re right. You don’t need to have a relationship with someone who is so rude and disrespectful to you. You don’t need to go visit them and then get a humiliating treatment. You have the right to say No and respect your boundaries and as you said, your mental health.
My father-in-law has always been rude, the way the whole family speaks to eachother at times is shocking but no one ever stands up to him, apart from me and other people who are outside of the family say this is his problem with me. I dare to speak up and to add insult to injury I’m a woman.
So he is a bully (and a narcissist?) but no one dares to stand up to him, apart from you. That’s why you’re so “offensive” to him. Like, how dare she speak to me like that?! You have the guts to stand up to him, which your husband doesn’t. You are able to defend yourself alright, but your husband cannot defend himself, neither can he defend you.
I’m a full-time housewife and don’t feel as if I could cope financially if I were to split up from my husband. … I think feeling dependant on him makes me feel trapped in a very unhappy situation.
Is your husband respectful towards you otherwise and only shows weakness with his family? If so, perhaps you don’t need to separate from him. But you can tell him clearly that you won’t allow to be treated like that, and you refuse to keep contact with his parents and sisters, since they mistreat you and disrespect you. Your husband can go visit them alone. If your husband refuses that and guilt-trips you, then you can start thinking of separating because then he truly isn’t respecting you.
How does this sound to you?
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