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  • September 7, 2021 at 10:46 am in reply to: My husband and his family. #385916
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Lily Margarette,

    I’ve had no apology for the insult in front of my kids or the fact they ignored our wedding anniversary. Or for the fact that they’re just plain nasty. They’ve completely shut me out.

    They indeed are nasty. Even if they have some disagreements with you, the fact that they didn’t come to see their grandchildren although they were in the neighborhood and after not having seen them for a year tells a lot. Also, how rude of your father-in-law to refuse to sit next to you and then proclaim “because no one wants to sit next to her”, as if you had leprosy.

    I understand how it also pains you that your husband sort of agrees with you, but then secretly seeks apology from them – when it is them who should be apologizing! He doesn’t have the guts to stand up to them and tell them that they can’t treat his wife like that. He is weak, I think he is afraid of being rejected and judged by them.

    I think you should talk to him and tell him how disrespected you feel when he goes back to apologize to them instead of defending you. It shows lack of respect for you. He would need to take a stance in this matter. I understand that it’s hard for him, due to his childhood conditioning and probably lack of self-esteem, but still, you’re right to be upset about it.

    Otherwise, how are you with your self-esteem? Can you stand up for yourself (in other situations, not necessarily with your in-laws) or you feel frustrated about people not respecting you enough?

     

    September 7, 2021 at 9:33 am in reply to: My ex and I still love each other, but can’t be together #385914
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Candice88,

    I absolutely want him to pursue his passion of music, and I don’t want to get I’m the way of that. But if I didn’t say anything, he would make music 11pm-7am, then either pass out or get to work late for some other reason, come home late because of that, repeat. He has lost many jobs with these habits, and since he’s lied so much about his drug abuse it’s hard to tell what is healthy music making and what is meth induced obsession.

    I see… so he has a day job, and making music is his passion, which he does in his spare time. In that case, I see how him spending nights in the garage, “making music”, can be harmful to both his livelihood, his health, as well as your relationship.

    We made a compromise last year that he would tell me ahead of time “hey, this is a music night so don’t expect me to be present”. I said I’d love half of the nights each week to share a bed with him. He has YET to use that system we agreed to, instead telling me he’s coming then never come.

    Yes, that would make sense: 1) to organize his day so he can create music and yet not stay up the whole night, and 2) if he absolutely needs to stay up late, to limit it to one or two nights a week, e.g. Friday and Saturday night, when he doesn’t have to go to work. If he absolutely refuses to stick to any kind of agreement, and just does as he pleases (and causes harm to both of you in the process), it’s not a relationship because he totally disregards you.

    In his car he is on his phone, smoking his cigarettes while texting people and watching videos.

    He wants to stay away from your “criticism”, I guess. It’s like a teenage boy hiding in his room from his mother… Well, I think you stayed long enough with him, trying to work out a compromise, trying to be patient and understanding… but nothing worked. If you want good for yourself, you’ll stop trying and simply wait till October 1 to move out, and never look back…  A big lesson learned, hopefully not to be repeated…

     

    As for S, I think this is very true about him:

    It makes me feel like a major part of him didn’t change. He did this same thing when he had cheated…messing with my emotions and then blaming me for feeling the after effects, when in reality he couldn’t grapple with or accept his own guilt.

    Yes. He for some reason was super kind and loving to you when you met, he “admitted his mistakes” and professed he still loved you, but that he won’t act on it, since both of you are with other people. To his credit, though, he did email you afterwards, stating you can’t be together:

    Then he emailed me reinstating that we cannot be in each other’s lives at any capacity for the foreseeable future, which I know is the mature move.

    So he sort of gave you closure, he told you it’s not going to happen between the two of you. But I understand your drive to write him nevertheless and explain how you feel, specially since now you know that you’ll be leaving M, so things have changed on your side.

    Anyway, he seems to remember things differently now: he is claiming that it was you who pursued him, and you who made him behave disrespectfully towards his girlfriend. And you who caused him anxiety. As if he never opened the door for you, with these words:

    he told me he still loves me too. How we are both on each other’s minds, how we are each other’s “big ex”, the relationship we always wanted to work out. He said “it should be you with me”, and “I never thought I would see you again and NOT be with you”.

    When I first read these words, they sounded fake. This is what I wrote you back then: I am sorry but this doesn’t sound sincere to me. It’s like he is putting up a front of this mature, considerate guy and white-washing his past actions. And I still believe this to be true. He was faking his kindness and “love”, wanting to appear mature and not an a**hole like you remembered him. That’s probably why he insists on being friends with his exes:

    Additionally, he is friends with all of his exes and has his current gf be friends with them, as he did to me when I was with him, even though he knows it makes her uncomfortable.

    He probably hates to be seen as a bad guy, as the guilty party, so he tries his best to smear over his past actions with some syrupy stuff. And that’s what he did when he met you too. His words were syrupy and fake: We are both on each other’s minds.  We are each other’s “big ex”. It should be you with me. I never thought I would see you again and NOT be with you.

    I believe he wanted to create an image of himself as this kind, loving, wonderful guy, but didn’t think you would fall for it. That’s why he is now “frustrated about your dependence on him.” He didn’t want you to fall in love with him and start demanding things from him – he only wanted you to see him in a positive light. He only wanted to white-wash his image.

    But why does seeing me once cause him so much stress? I see it as, once again, a sign that he’s not over me. And is scapegoating me as the antagonist in his life, as opposed to his own actions and emotions he needs to work through.

    You cause him distress because you want things from him, which he cannot and doesn’t want to give you. He is scapegoating you because he doesn’t want to admit that his sleazy and lying words caused you to start having hopes about him again. His strategy backfired. It’s exactly what you said:

    It makes me feel like a major part of him didn’t change. He did this same thing when he had cheated…messing with my emotions and then blaming me for feeling the after effects, when in reality he couldn’t grapple with or accept his own guilt.

    He messed up with your emotions again, being insincere and lying about his feelings, having no intention to be with you, but only to white-wash his image. This is my impression of him.

     

    September 7, 2021 at 6:58 am in reply to: Help me make sense of this. #385906
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Tineoidea,

    I have thought of BPD but generally it’s something which manifests itself much earlier in one way or another, not almost two years into the relationship. Who knows at this point.

    I don’t know enough about it. I know that people with BDP have difficulty maintaining friendships (and relationships in general) because they tend to be very passionate and super attached at first, but then get angry and disappointed when the other person shows even the slightest signs  of “abandonment”, e.g. not agreeing with them, or not giving them what they demand. They may claim that “this person has turned against me”, even if it’s not true in reality, it’s just that they perceive it like betrayal. I don’t know if your girlfriend had such rocky relationships in her life, and such extreme reactions (before this situation with you)?

    Thanks for the help nevertheless, it’s all been rather insightful.

    You are very welcome. Please update us about the developments, if you feel like it.

     

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by Tee.
    September 7, 2021 at 1:39 am in reply to: How to work through avoidant attachment style? #385895
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Ashmitha,

    Yes teak, it definitely stems from my insecurities, I’m sure.

    Right… but you are young, only 25, so you can deal with your insecurities, rather than settle for this guy because 1) you believe you don’t deserve better, and 2) you fear judgment and ridicule of other people. It will be much more painful to spend your entire life in misery and depression, living with him, than feeling the temporary pain of people ridiculing you for your relationship status.

    Try to look at the bigger picture here and what is really important for you – to please others and live in misery, or to create a happy and fulfilled life for yourself?

    It’s clear that this guy doesn’t love you and doesn’t care about you. You say this will be your strategy from now on:

    I’m planning to just pull back as my life is about to become VERY busy. I’ll be working full-time, completing my master’s full-time and working at the university as a graduate research assistant part-time. We may just naturally fall apart, unless he initiates more often.

    But he’ll be visiting you once per week still? That’s exactly what he wants, and he’ll probably be pleased with the new regime because it will give him an excuse for not paying more attention to you, and yet, he’ll get his weekly “reward”. It’s a win-win for him. You are the one who is losing in this scenario…

    “Friends” have made fun of me for “hopping from guy to guy” before and I didn’t like that one bit, because I do take relationships seriously. When I stood up for myself and left relationships, I was made fun of for it.

    Probably they saw your tendency to stay in relationships for only a short while, and to leave quickly if problems arise. That’s because of your childhood dynamic and emotional scars that we talked about. It was an unhealthy pattern, which you are now aware of. Which means you don’t need to repeat it in the future, you can work on healing those emotional scars.

    Yet, I’ve witnessed my friends stay in bad relationships for years and work through them.

    Yes, and you escaped quickly because you feared that a small argument now will lead to huge problems down the road, because you saw it in your parents’ marriage. It was your defense mechanism to prevent bigger pain in the future…

    I think that if I were to move to a different city or something, I would be more able to call things off. My friends are all in serious relationships now and I would feel embarrassed telling everyone I am single again, yet again.

    It’s not an embarrassment to say that you are single again, because you’ve realized some things about yourself and you value yourself more than this guy values you. And that you aren’t willing to settle for less. And also, that you’re working on your other issues which made you fear conflict and leave some relationships too soon.

    It’s not embarrassing to become more self-aware and more willing to work towards your happiness. If those friends don’t understand and appreciate it, if they keep judging you and ridiculing you, then they don’t deserve to be your friends.

     

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by Tee.
    September 7, 2021 at 12:00 am in reply to: Help me make sense of this. #385894
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Tineoidea,

    “There was probably some unresolved anger in her, maybe anger at her brother which she falsely directed at you.”

    Actually I don’t think that’s the case. What I noticed is that she started to mirror his behavior towards me and using the same tactics which were alien to her before.

    I see. It’s like she became a different person. I’ve mentioned it several times that she said she doesn’t know who she was. Suddenly changing her behavior and even personality completely, from one extreme to another, can be related to borderline personality disorder (BDP). I am not an expert and wouldn’t like to “slap” diagnoses on people, so this is just a possibility. A part of the BDP, as I read, is that they are confused about their identity:

    “Identity disturbance is a term used to describe incoherence, or inconsistency, in a person’s sense of identity. This could mean that a person’s goals, beliefs, and actions are constantly changing.

    It could also be that the person takes on personality traits of people around them, as they struggle to have and maintain their own identity.

    The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) describes identity disturbance as a “markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self” and notes it is one of the key symptoms of borderline personality disorder (BPD).”

    You say that she was behaving in one way with you, and then with him, she adopted his style and mannerism, as well as his way of thinking. So for example, when she was with you, she might have felt that the problems the two of you had were minor – because you said they were minor. With him, those same problems became huge – because he said they were huge. It’s like a child who doesn’t know to decide whether to cry or not after they fall – they first look at their mother to see her reaction. If the mother panics, the child starts crying. If the mother says it’s nothing and reassures the child, the child might not even start crying and keeps running around.

    Anyway, this could be a possible explanation of the “flipping” that happened in her mind. If this is true, it’s a major issue and needs persistent therapy. Usually dialectical behavior therapy (DBT).

    I’m not sure how to feel but things have been (very slowly) getting easier. For now I’m giving it plenty of time and not contacting her.

    Good strategy…

    I still can’t shake off the feeling that this development has been very wrong and there’s some sort of childish hope growing in me. I want to believe that she’ll have to fortitude to come back to herself and detach himself from him, so we can at the very least have a proper conversation like we used to.

    This development was wrong but I think it was inevitable – something else would have triggered her to flip sooner or later. Your “friend” was the catalyst. If she has BDP, she won’t be a pleasant partner to live with – unless she undergoes therapy. The only weird thing is that you said her parents were “exemplary”, and it doesn’t really go hand in hand with someone developing BDP. So perhaps not everything was so peachy as she told you it was… or of course, BDP is not what she is suffering from. So please, take this with a grain of salt…

    September 6, 2021 at 12:43 pm in reply to: Help me make sense of this. #385873
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Tineoidea,

    Very, but her support in it was vital, although at times I felt like it was lacking since she probably didn’t quite grasp my struggles even though she said she did, and I explained it all in detail.
    Neverthless, things still progressed until she got in with him, at that point she just began to blame those issues exclusively on me and angrily refused to acknowledge that she may have also failed me here and there even though it was most likely due to misunderstandings, all of which had a simple solution at hand.

    It seems that before she got involved with him, your problems could have been solved with better communication and perhaps couple’s therapy (to deal with the misunderstandings and possible resentments here and there). But once he started exerting his influence, she flipped.

    The switch in her behavior was radical once she involved herself with him, going as far as displaying traits I didn’t even think were in her, such as cruelty, blind anger, lack of empathy, gaslighting, heavy disrespect and a lot of dishonesty (even towards herself).

    I am sorry about that, Tineoidea. There was probably some unresolved anger in her, maybe anger at her brother which she falsely directed at you. It completely overtook her. Your “friend” was a trigger. That’s how I can best explain what happened…

    How are you feeling about it now?

     

     

    September 6, 2021 at 11:49 am in reply to: Help me make sense of this. #385871
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Tineoidea,

    The relationship problem mostly centered about my living situation, and was very much solvable with a bit more time and effort. In fact, before she got involved with him, she did want to work on it together.

    How willing were you to work on this problem?

    She’s very vocal and direct about things she dislikes and repeats them often enough, so I do know those things, plus like I said, I did act on them.

    Have you acted on the problem with your living situation?

    The crux of the problem when it comes to my character, became the notion that I treated him very poorly, with no evidence of any kind being ever presented.

    She believed him for some reason, and (unless she is completely irrational and he put “a spell” on her), the reason, as I said, might be that she felt treated poorly by you? I know you said it’s impossible because she complained out loud about the things she disliked, and you would have known if there was something that bothered her so much…  unless she was afraid to be completely honest with you? Afraid of being discredited perhaps, like she was by her brother? I am grasping at straws here, because I really don’t know what to suggest at this point, which would explain her behavior…

     

    September 6, 2021 at 10:54 am in reply to: Help me make sense of this. #385863
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Tineoidea,

    Not really, she may have reacted to some minor behaviors of mine which irritated her a tiny bit (as I did with hers) a few times but that’s about it. We spoke about and acted on those, and they certainly weren’t something we couldn’t sleep over or even remembered the next week.

    What comes to mind is that those things were minor for you, but perhaps not that minor for her? You use the words “minor”, “tiny bit”, “not worth remembering the next week”…  so you are minimizing them… but perhaps they weren’t so small in her mind? That could have been the reason why she gladly accepted and agreed with his criticism of you. And suddenly, it became a “character problem”, because they both saw something you weren’t willing to see?

    I am not claiming that any of this is true, but just trying to understand her behavior. Her behavior may be irrational, in which case there is no logical explanation for any of it. But there might be something that you aren’t (and weren’t) willing to see, and this is what I am trying to explore – if you are willing, of course.

     

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by Tee.
    September 6, 2021 at 10:25 am in reply to: Struggling with People #385856
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear OrangeHeart,

    good! I am glad it didn’t overwhelm you and that you feel calmer now (and no, you absolutely didn’t overwhelm me – no worries 🙂 )

    I just need to figure out what to do! It’s really not a relationship I want to just throw away but I really can’t see a way to improve this… I think I need to take some time to myself! Thanks so much!

    You are very welcome. Any time you need to vent or have any doubts or questions, please don’t hesitate to post.

    Wish you well, and take care!

    September 6, 2021 at 10:18 am in reply to: Help me make sense of this. #385855
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Tineoidea,

    I mentioned before that once they got together, her criticism of me switched from our solvable relationship problems to “my character” and how I “abused” and “tortured” him (without any proof or explanations given).

    Right, so there were things she didn’t like about you. Have you discussed those before your “friend” came into the picture? If so, how did you react to her criticism?

     

     

     

    September 6, 2021 at 9:47 am in reply to: How to work through avoidant attachment style? #385852
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Ashmitha,

    Everyone around him says he is a really caring person and a great guy, and in my head I’m like why wouldn’t I want to be with someone like that?

    From what you shared here, he hasn’t been a caring person towards you. We’ve explored all that before. You’re now again questioning yourself instead of realizing that you are not the problem, but he is.

    I like being pursued by a man and not vice-versa, which may be an ego issue on my part.

    You just want the guy to show interest in you beyond sex. It’s not an ego issue on your part but a normal expectation.

    I’m just bad at being vulnerable and letting my walls down out of fear of being hurt.

    You have been vulnerable with him, you told him what you need from him, you opened up. What was his reaction? First, he said it’s better you break up because he isn’t mature enough. Now he has introduced a couple of phone calls into your weekly routine. Anything else beyond that? How did he change compared to how he was before the breakup?

    Dear Ashmitha, you’re blaming yourself again, as if something is wrong with you for not being able to be happy with this guy. As I said, nothing is wrong with you. But you don’t believe it, and I think it’s because the inner child tells you differently. The child always blames themselves when the parent doesn’t love them. What I believe is happening now is that the little girl in you is blaming herself for not being lovable enough…

    September 6, 2021 at 9:13 am in reply to: Struggling with People #385850
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear OrangeHeart,

    glad to hear you’re not offended! And you are very welcome.

    I understand, seems I have a lot of work to do!

    I’ve realized in the meanwhile that it might have been overwhelming to take this all in…  How are you holding up? I am sorry if I overwhelmed you :\

    September 6, 2021 at 8:51 am in reply to: Help me make sense of this. #385847
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Tineoidea,

    Even if she snaps back to reason and reaches out for me, I wonder if somebody like that could be a trustworthy partner for life, considering just how many times she betrayed me during a few weeks.

    It’s a good question. It is strange how she could be so easily manipulated by someone whom she only knew online (btw, for how long did they know each other?). As if she didn’t know you at all, and trusted him more than she trusted you. I did ask you recently whether she perhaps wanted to extract more information about you from him, since he’s known you much longer than she did. But that’s probably not the case, since she knew you well enough? (She’s known me in and out for a long time, mentally, emotionally and physically).

    And even if doubts arise, doesn’t it make sense to discuss them with your partner and closest friend instead of betraying him on the spot while fully switching to the side of your former abuser?

    Yes, it makes sense, she should have talked to you instead of complaining to him. I wonder how much she actually trusted you and whether what he told her about you actually resonated with her? Maybe she agreed with him on certain things about you? Maybe she wasn’t honest with you and had reservations that you didn’t know about? That could explain why she so readily believed  him.

    Plus, she had issues with her brother, which additionally hooked her into trusting your former friend. But I think just the brother issue alone wouldn’t have been enough to so completely fool her. The only logical explanation to me is that she must have had reservations about you that she never shared with you before.

     

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by Tee.
    September 6, 2021 at 3:50 am in reply to: Struggling with People #385825
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear OrangeHeart,

    Thanks for replying its good to know that someone agrees and I’m not just going mental!

    You’re welcome, OrangeHeart. Your gut feeling is right and you’re not going mental by thinking that something’s not right with his behavior!

    And my boyfriend now definitely isn’t on that level but maybe if things continue it will end up like that, I already just do anything he wants to keep him happy because it’s easier than dealing with the moods!

    Right… that’s your main theme, actually: you’d rather tolerate abuse than stand up for yourself. And the reason is your mother being the bully, and you adopting the strategy of appeasing and pleasing her, rather than protesting.

    I do think I have trauma from my ex which makes me scared of being controlled again

    The main trauma is from your childhood, and I think that’s why you keep being attracted to people similar to your mother. Maybe this is surprising and offensive to hear (sorry for being so blunt), but it happens with all of us till we heal the original trauma. We repeat…. in various shapes and forms. Perhaps your previous ex was an outright narcissist and sociopath and he may have enjoyed torturing you (you didn’t say the latter, I am just assuming). Your current boyfriend might much more “meek”, and his controlling and manipulative behavior might stem from his insecurity.

    Nevertheless, the result is the same – you feel like you need to suppress yourself so he wouldn’t be upset. And he can get upset super easily and then treats you badly. So you need to give up on yourself to stay in a relationship with him. And that’s pretty much what you needed to do with your mother (and what your father needed to do)…

    he feels like I dont need him which must be hard but after my last relationship I cant need anyone! I thought wanting someone was worth a lot more than needing them! I feel like I’m in a relationship for him not with him at the minute…

    Yes, he is the one who needs you – to control his moods, to make him feel better about himself, to make him feel in control. You have a mother role for him – you’re there for him to soothe him and make him happy, but he isn’t there for you. It’s an unequal relationship.

    I thought wanting someone was worth a lot more than needing them!

    Yes, it’s not good if one person is the caretaker, and the other the child in the relationship. If one just gives, and the other just takes.

     

    September 6, 2021 at 2:26 am in reply to: Struggling with People #385821
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear OrangeHeart,

    Sorry I feel like im just on a rant now but I honestly feel like im losing my mind, I cant believe ive found myself in this situation. Again

    I am glad you’ve shared because what he’s been doing is more than trying to control his environment to reduce his anxiety (what I assumed earlier). He has tried to come between you and your best friend, he badmouthed him, so you wouldn’t spend time with him. He gets offended and gives you the silent treatment when you speak to this same friend on the phone. This tells me he is possessive and jealous and willing to choose any means (even lying and manipulating) to stop you from interacting with your friend.

    He is also hiding things from you, not telling you the whole truth, inventing things that never happened (gaslighting you), due to which you started questioning your sanity. He gives you a 2-day silent treatment even for washing the dishes at his place! This all shows a very difficult personality, manipulative, easily offended, controlling, possessive…

    Now I just feel like it was done intentionally to put distance between us and it worked, and its annoyed me because my ex done the same thing but he was extremely controlling and manipulative and definitely on purpose!

    What if your current boyfriend is similar? Maybe not on purpose, I mean maybe he cannot help himself, but still, the result is the same?

     

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