Forum Replies Created
-
AuthorPosts
-
The RuminantParticipant
Hi all,
To me it seems as if this role that you have in the project is very much tied with your ego and identity, thus making it very difficult to give in, as it would be like losing yourself in the process.
What helps me to relax, keep calm and let go is to remember that any one particular role that I’ve taken in life or any one particular relationship or situation is not my whole life. Any one relationship or role only become as important as I make it to be. If I am finding it difficult to deal with someone and I still have to, I kind of detach emotionally from them and simply do not make it a big deal. It’s just one person and there are other things and people that make my life rich. I make my own life rich. This doesn’t exclude focusing on positive energy or feeling compassion towards the other person. It just makes it easier when there is no “obsession” about the other person.
Mentally, it becomes really tough when you think that you’ve put a lot of effort into something and then there is the fear of losing it. But that is an attitude thing as well. You can believe that if you don’t get to keep your place, then your whole life will end, or you can not take it as seriously and believe that you have a lot to offer to this world regardless of that one particular project.
Getting involved with other things as well and spreading interests makes it easier to not get too attached to any one particular outcome. Also, keeping yourself grounded so that you don’t start to imagine things before they’ve even happened.
Best of luck to you!
- This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by The Ruminant.
The RuminantParticipantWell, if you’ve been involved outside of the class as well, then it could be any number of things why she got upset. It’s not anymore just about your teaching ability, but her personal feelings about you and herself. Women around the world get upset all the time about all kinds of things and men around he world stay perplexed why it happens đ
One other thing occurred to me though. You didn’t explain the whole situation in your original post, even though you must understand it probably is a factor in the whole situation. We’re all pretty much anonymous here, yet you still felt like you needed to hide it. It is as if you are judging yourself and fear that others will judge you, too.
Keeping secrets and living in shame will add quite a lot to your anxiety, and may even be the cause of it. Being open and honest about things will automatically force you to accept the reality as it is, and after that it’s much, much easier to let go of things. It’s like acknowledging something you don’t want to hold onto anymore and letting it go and recycling it, instead of not wanting to deal with something you don’t want to hold onto, and then cramming it into your closet. In the latter case, you’ll always know that it’s still there, in the closet, and it will most probably pop back into your mind when you least expect it (especially when falling asleep).
If you don’t want to admit everything to other people, then at least write it down and be honest with yourself. There is a reason why taking a moral inventory is part of the 12 step program. Now, I’m not saying that you’ve done anything immoral, but you seem to think that you’ve done something wrong, as otherwise you would’ve been straightforward about it. Holding onto guilt and shame makes life more difficult than it has to be đ
July 28, 2014 at 11:21 am in reply to: can someone define love and show how to love myself and others #61969The RuminantParticipantInability to handle emotions in combination with perceiving most things as a threat.
July 27, 2014 at 10:40 am in reply to: can someone define love and show how to love myself and others #61896The RuminantParticipantIf you really want to understand why, then I recommend you read this book:
There is a reason why the meditation practice was recommended. Meditation has been proven to help with handling emotions. It just doesn’t happen overnight or after one or two times.
Someone in the comments section also recommended another book for those who are unable to even imagine positive feelings:
The RuminantParticipantThat’s too bad, but getting some kind of closure does feel freeing. I’m kind of wishing I would get that, too…
Sometimes I look at life as if it was an unknown adventure and I’m Indiana Jones! Well the female version of Indiana Jones, but still with the fedora and the whip! Or perhaps I’m Marion! Anyway, so many things ahead to investigate and explore and I have no idea what they are just yet. That excites me a lot.
So now you are also free to explore something that you don’t even know exists! But it is all already unfolding đ
The RuminantParticipantHello Gracie,
There was one thing that you mentioned almost in passing, but I thought it was rather important in all of this. You said that you mightâve been depressed, and on top of that youâve had the stress from the wedding. Those are times when the ability to handle threats is impaired. This whole scenario has presented you with some kind of threats, and now youâre stuck trying to fend them.
Years ago I was in a relationship with this really loving and caring guy. That was a time when my self-confidence was really low and I think I was more or less chronically depressed. So, I had this stroke of genius and decided to play a little game with him where both he and I would pick from a list of people the ones we found attractive and then share that knowledge. I thought it wouldâve just been interesting. Wrong. He had no problem with my list, or at least he didnât react to it in any meaningful way, but then me⌠I went ballistic. The poor man. I had asked him to tell me which women he found attractive and then I just became really, really mad. There was nothing he could even do to save it. âShe looked a bit like you, so I liked her.â âYou think I look like THAT?!â It was the dumbest thing and I still feel so bad for treating him that way.
There are a few points I would like to make with my story. One is that even though rationally we understand that a picture of another woman isnât the same as actually having a romantic rival, we might still react to it as if it was. When depressed, itâs really hard to just let things go and move on. The smallest thing can all of a sudden become way too big to handle. Thereâs not enough energy and confidence.
As for the lying, as much as it annoys me that men have a tendency to lie a bit in certain circumstances, I also know that there are often times when hearing the truth would also cause me to react in certain ways. So itâs kind of a lose-lose situation. Men often have learned the hard way that sometimes itâs better to communicate in a way that is the least likely to cause a conflict. Men who are very direct and give honest answers tend to stay single, not out of their own choice⌠So itâs not exactly the sign of a sociopath to quickly answer ânoâ to a question âdid you have a lap dance?â
If certain things make you react in a bad way right now, then why keep poking the wound? Take time to build your confidence and to reconnect with who you are. Practice mindfulness meditation to heal. You need the strength, so treat yourself like youâre in rehabilitation. Donât be too demanding on yourself. Allow love to flow into you.
When you gain more strength and confidence and feel safe and loved (spiritually, not just by your husband), it is so much easier to let go of the things that are bothering you as well as heal the communication and the connection between you two.
July 26, 2014 at 11:09 am in reply to: can someone define love and show how to love myself and others #61820The RuminantParticipantNumber 6 meant that you need to do the meditation even if you feel like you don’t want to. Number 7 means that come back here after doing the meditation for 7 days and tell us how you are doing.
You are in my prayers đ
July 26, 2014 at 10:42 am in reply to: can someone define love and show how to love myself and others #61818The RuminantParticipantYou don’t have to worry about whether to do meditation in the morning or evening. The most important thing is that you do it. It’s like exercise for your brain, your mind and your soul đ Nothing wrong with feeling sleepy either.
I don’t personally see compassion as being positive. More like warmth towards someone who is suffering. Don’t worry about understanding it if it is an unfamiliar feeling to you. Don’t stress yourself about it. You’ll grow and learn at your own pace đ
July 26, 2014 at 9:42 am in reply to: can someone define love and show how to love myself and others #61813The RuminantParticipantRahel,
It’s OK. Also, I also do feel pressure in my head when I try really hard to do something I haven’t done before, or think about something that feels too difficult.
We have all been impatient as children, unable to wait for a moment before we could do something or when we got angry or frustrated, it all came out without any holding back. Then with time, we learn that it’s OK to wait and when we get angry or annoyed about something someone does, we can let it not bother us and we forget the feeling as fast as it came. But then, and especially with some traumatic experience, this growth can be delayed. We don’t know how to handle emotions. Rahel, it’s not an issue of you being a certain way. It’s just that things have happened along the way that have made it more difficult to grow with certain skills. But it’s not a permanent state. You are only 29, you are still growing, still learning. I was 36 when I finally started to get better control over my own impatience and anger.
Also, you say that you can’t understand fast, but you don’t need to understand fast. You can read all of this as slowly as you need and always come back later and try to comprehend it again. It is only your own impatience playing tricks with you again, but you can learn how to be more patient. It takes time, but it’s possible.
As for compassion, it is hard to explain with words, but don’t worry about that for now. Take one step at a time. Try the meditation for a while. Try to not speak badly of yourself. Even try putting a piece of candy on your table and decide not to eat it for half an hour. Just look at it, but don’t eat it. Then if frustration begins to come, let it. When the frustration starts to pass, let it. The more you can use your brain in a certain way, the better it becomes at that thing. Patience can be learned just like everything else.
July 26, 2014 at 8:23 am in reply to: can someone define love and show how to love myself and others #61803The RuminantParticipantRahel,
What Matt wrote was something I very much agree with. I can understand if you want a simple solution, or a checklist of things to be done, but if you can open your heart for a moment and read what Matt wrote, you might find some answers that can not be explained with lists.
Smiling can surely make one feel better, but to force a smile on your face all the time doesn’t seem like a good idea to me.
If you donât remember to do things, itâs OK. You are being extremely hard on yourself, expecting consistency and if you fail to meet that, you blame yourself. Youâre only human, so donât worry about the consistency so much.
Why does sympathy make you feel depressed? Do you confuse it with pity, perhaps? Pity is looking down on someone and perhaps seeing them as weak. Compassion is understanding the pain that someone is going through and the feelings of care and support that it arises in oneâs heart.
I didnât mean that you need to stop words, but to not believe everything that you tell yourself, especially if itâs very negative or hard or demanding.
When you ask about balance, I think that what Matt said is quite correct, that you need to have the balance between your mind and your body. Meditation can help.
Youâre just being defensive to protect yourself from some threat that you perceive. When you can understand that you are doing all of those things for a reason, because the feelings of safety and love has been compromised, it could become easier to be more gentle towards yourself.
As for your the example about your aunt, to me it just seems like your feelings just get the better of you. We all have fleeting feelings. One minute everything is fine and then the next minute something happens that angers us. That is quite usual. It seems as if you have trouble handling the emotions that arise and they rule you instead of you letting them pass.
That does not make you anything peculiar, and youâre not the only one who is defensive, impulsive and finds it difficult to temper their emotions.
In addition to the support group idea, would it be possible for you to find someone local who could help you meditate? You need tools to help you deal with any imbalance that you might have and find ways to learn how to care for yourself.
July 26, 2014 at 6:05 am in reply to: can someone define love and show how to love myself and others #61789The RuminantParticipantI am not fed up with you đ Thatâs just what you believe, but itâs not the truth.
You donât have to understand things fast. Life altering ideas usually take time for everyone. They slowly sink in and then some day perhaps a light bulb will light up.
Itâs hard to explain those things in steps, but let me try:
Step 1. Stop saying things like âpeople are fed up with meâ. Just stop it. The more you say it, the more it is imprinted in your mind that it would be the truth, and it isnât. Donât talk about yourself in a negative way. Those words hold you down more than you know.
Step 2. When words start to pop into your mind that say that youâre not good enough, donât grab onto them and take them as truth. Itâs just a belief that youâve bought into and keep telling yourself. If you stop telling yourself that, the belief will change.
Step 3. Enjoy silence. When by yourself or with people. Donât talk, just listen and see and feel. Donât try to explain what is happening or make assumptions. Just enjoy the presence of other people.
Step 4. If you get frightened or anxious, take a moment and breathe deeply. Allow the physical feeling to calm down before you allow your mind to start making assumptions on what you should do. The feelings come and go.
Step 5. Give yourself the same compassion that you would give to another person who you see was hurting. This could very well be step 1 as well, but Iâm worried that you might not allow yourself to feel compassion as your mind keeps telling yourself that youâre not good enough.
In addition, I would also seek a support group where you could listen to others who have been through similar things as you. Seeing a psychiatrist or a doctor is difficult, because it becomes about they versus your outer child, whoâs acting out. Just like it happens in here. We can tell you what you should probably do, and then you might take it as a perceived attack and you start to resist. It might do good for you to also just listen and not argue, as well as talk yourself about your experiences and let other people listen without it becoming a discussion. Those situations allow you to feel in a safe space, but without starting to think too much or get too defensive.
July 26, 2014 at 5:07 am in reply to: can someone define love and show how to love myself and others #61784The RuminantParticipantFor a moment, don’t worry about what other people think of you. Just focus on yourself and only yourself. In order to find self-acceptance and understanding, you need to allow yourself to be who you are, without trying to be something so that others would react to you. Does that make sense?
You are kind of like stuck in this mindset where you want something, but you sabotage yourself before you even get started. Then you can blame yourself for it and feel even worse, and react to it yet again, and the cycle continues. Like two sides of yourself, your heart and your mind, constantly arguing with each other: the mind blaming the heart and the heart crying and getting emotional. Unfortunately you are the only one who can solve that. Others can only try to offer help and support, but ultimately it is you who has to intervene. Summon that inner strength, that inner higher power, that will allow you to see compassionately what is going on within you. Give yourself the peace and care that you need.
July 26, 2014 at 4:31 am in reply to: can someone define love and show how to love myself and others #61782The RuminantParticipantHello Rahel,
Iâm sorry youâve had to go through such abuse. It really is no wonder that a lot of your problems, in my opinion, look like the problems of a child whoâs lost and scared. This is the first thing Iâd like you to really think about: itâs not you whoâs somehow inherited certain behaviour from a father and would be difficult or rebellious or too talkative by nature. The behaviour is just a response to a prolonged state of fear and stress. If you would feel safe, loved and seen, you would behave more like who you really are, a precious woman whoâs like no other.
Because you donât have much trust in yourself, youâre kind of like blowing in the wind, at the mercy of others, desperately wanting to be seen and heard. So of course youâre going to cling onto anyone who shows interest and youâll take things personally that other people say or do. The reason you rebel against advice is that you take the advice as criticism towards who you are at your core.
Everyone needs to feel like they are loved and seen and heard. That is absolutely a very normal need. Youâre also not the first person, nor the last, who would then slightly overreact when trying to fulfil that need. You, like many other people, are unfortunately working against yourself in this quest. Your fundamental belief is that you are not worthy of love and care, so regardless of what happens in reality, it doesnât really connect with you, unless it is other people treating your poorly, which is when you get the validation to your belief that you arenât beautiful enough or good enough in what ever ways that youâve rationalised this lack of love. This is important: the fact that you feel unloved has nothing to do with your characteristics as a human being. Love is for everyone, and everyone is worthy of it.
One thing that I really think you should do is to find a place where you can meditate, a place of silence. Find ways to silence that chatter in your mind that is constantly narrating what you are feeling, and making things worse. As an example, you feel lonely, which is a perfectly normal and valid feeling. But instead of seeking it as a feeling that comes and goes, youâll grab onto it and start to create a story around why youâre lonely. So this verbal narration has to be separated from the actual feeling that you are feeling. It will only make things more complex when you start making assumptions on why other people behave towards you in certain ways. People behave the way they feel, just like you are behaving according to how you feel.
Another thing is to understand that you are not your mind. You are not all of your actions and thoughts either. There is more to you and this becomes more apparent in a meditative state. You have more strength and abilities that you are right now seeing, and you canât see them because of the constant chatter in your head, telling you that youâre this and that. When you get a moment of peace from the chatter, things are starting to look much more simpler and a lot less complex. Youâll also hopefully experience being seen.
Please google âthe outer childâ. Read about it. It might make things more clear for you. It certainly did for myself. I used to be completely impulsive, self-destructive and a complete mess in relationships. Or rather, my behaviour was like that, because I felt so unloved and unsafe. After some self-care, my behaviour has changed. Actually, I was really talkative as well before, and would be way too direct about everything. Now I donât feel that need anymore. So, I really can understand your behaviour and I can understand how youâd think that it is you who is somehow bad and not good enough. But thatâs not the real truth behind it all, and the behaviour will change by itself, after you change your fundamental beliefs about yourself. Changing that required for me to cut through all the mind chatter and to really get deep at my core and to see myself for the person that I actually am. I donât need others to see me or validate me anymore because I see myself and I accept myself.
Please feel free to ask if this came across in an unclear way. The concept is all clear to me, and actually, your behaviour is completely clear to me as well, but itâs not as easy to communicate it all clearly đ
Youâll find yourself and love. Donât worry đ
The RuminantParticipantHello Laia!
Consider yourself hugged đ
I do personally struggle with those thoughts and feelings. I can become incredibly frustrated and aggravated because of those very same issues that you are facing. Well, not the exact same. Iâm not in touch with your partnerâs mother đ But I can understand what you are going through, and you have my sympathies.
I reflected for a moment on when those frustrations arise in me and when they do not bother me as much. When I focus on something that is within my control, I feel free and happy. When I do some self-care, as an example. When I just take some time to deal with my own issues and see the progress that Iâm making. The focus is in my own life. It is as if I am crafting something with my own hands, slowly working on creating something out of my life. But then when I look up and around and I see all the chaos and the focus all of a sudden spreads to other peopleâs lives, I start to feel anxious and even angry out of frustration. It is as if my brain is trying to do all that same healing on what I am experiencing, but obviously canât do it, because it is no longer about me and my mind and my body. When I start to get really overwhelmed or I notice that I spend a lot of time with a raised pulse after reading something online, I try to take a break and get the focus back on my own life and the things that are within my control.
I am a recovering codependent, so itâs not like I have always had strong boundaries. So other peopleâs issues can easily become my issues. Perhaps having better boundaries it would be easier to handle the chaos, as it doesnât become your chaos. Also, itâs not reasonable to get aggravated over the state of the world or the issues that other people are facing, because itâs not going to help. It just creates more chaos. Thatâs why I find it so important to work on yourself and find that peace within that would allow you to face the world with strength and compassion, which is much needed.
Also, having stronger boundaries would allow you to just smile at those who try to control you and your thoughts, instead of getting aggravated at their attempts. So yes. I guess my answer is boundaries đ Boundaries and self-care. Healing the world through healing yourself. When you pour love and care into yourself, itâll eventually run over and some might even reach your partnerâs mother đ Focusing on something that is under your control also really helps with the feelings of helplessness. Youâre not helpless. It just feels like that if you attempt to control something that is not under your control.
Another thing that really helps me when I start to feel like I need to help and control the whole world is that I imagine myself as this small person alone on a beach. The sea is so huge and the beach is so wide, and the whole world and the Universe is so big. Iâm small compared to that, Iâm just a child compared to all that, and as a child, I do not have to take on the responsibility of the world. Whether or not there is a God is not something that I need to worry about. It would be unreasonable to expect that I would have to have it all figured out. Iâll do the best that I can with what Iâve got and if there is any higher power, then that will function the way that it functions, regardless of how I feel about it. This helps with understanding my own limitations and makes me feel much safer in the world.
I hope that made some sense. Iâll be happy to elaborate. Just know that youâre not the only one with those frustrations and that it is possible to overcome it or at least take a break from it đ
The RuminantParticipant@ucwhavok, At the end of the day, it’s just silence. I know that it is scary to face, but there’s no need to make it more difficult by stoking up the fires of fear and seeing silence as something more than it actually is: just silence.
The trick is to not get too jumpy about the thoughts that come to your head while silent. They’re just thoughts. They come and then they go, if you allow them to go. If you grab onto the thoughts as if they were attacking you and start trying to control them, then it’s not silence anymore. It becomes a pointless battle.
No need for all the drama…
-
AuthorPosts