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@anita: “I think that this man’s unreliable behavior, breaking promises, connected you to your younger-self experience, maybe with a parent, or a grandparent, one who broke promises to you and betrayed your trust.
And as a result of that repeated betrayal in childhood, you felt “a mixed feeling of rage and hope…played around with and humiliated”- rage because you were betrayed, hope that the person who betrayed you will fix his/ her behavior and do what is right by you.” ->
That’s exactly the root cause you said it in exact words, betrayal and broken promises from my younger-self and this person’s behavior is making me face it maybe thoughts and memories I don’t want to think off, things I have wrapped to never look at and that’s coming out in the wide open when I expect the kind of trust and attention and never get it.. maybe he is not the actual issue but a mirror showing me I need to deal with those feelings not run away from them ? 🙁
True that on your experience with the guy who said would bring you peppers, sometimes we so unknowingly trust the person from their words and personality but betrayal yes just like you defined whether small or heavy-duty.
I am in and out of feelings and trying to find peace in things as they are, I was very sick with flu end of last year since then I have become emotionally weak just about the time this person entered my life, if you could suggest something that will make me feel strong again from within and thanks alot for helping me out in this case.
From your suggestions:
1. “If you redefine friendship and see him not as a friends, but as a married man who seeks sexual gratification with another married woman, who is not his wife”
This was indeed an eye-opener for me, at a younger age we make friends quite easily so I had put him in a bucket of ‘friends’ and never thought of redefining as he just existed somewhere in my mind space.
When you mentioned redefine friendship I could categorize better between friends and such a person seeking pleasures under the hood of old feelings.
2. I was stuck between perceiving him as a friend, maybe my first crush and him initially expressing feelings gave me heartfelt joy as though I connected with my younger self like going back in time and feeling those unsaid feelings
Maybe I got blinded for a little while only to stumble into this state.
About the calling part: I would give you your own example, when you say you would get back to me in next say 15-16 hours you actually have got back, though we met here on tinybuddha forum you have built a level of trust and do respect and care about so many looking for some help and advise.
Just the opposite experience with him: Not once, twice but for weeks and to this day he has never said, done on things he has promised like a call back/text to sort out things but the confidence in delivering things is so immense that anyone would believe, its a yes to everything but do nothing sort off.
Recently in the last 2-3 months he has called few times only to talk about himself, how busy his work is, how he is approachable to people around him and just like expected would go off leaving the topic the call actually was for.
If a person says ‘maybe’ or ‘I am not interested’ or even a clear ‘no’ it helps better understand vs say ‘yes’ and never do it.
I am not calculating the each and every time things did not happen as discussed its just a hold a waiting time sort off to keep one in the loop, I understand things happen times cannot be matched work can be busy but very unreliable behavior yet hurtful coz maybe I respect and appreciate each one’s time and many others in my life do that too fortunately reliable ones.
3. I did mention about him to my husband some time back when started therapy but I did not want to involve him currently as it just kept happening with the back and forth between me and this person and did not want to worry my husband from what I am struggling with.
I have a mixed feeling of rage and hope within me towards this person, I feel played around with and humiliated, somehow I am finding it difficult to let those feelings out, a deep lingering feeling.
I am probably hoping he would realize what he has been doing and the hope is not letting me get over and cut it off completely?
@anita: Thank you much, I will think over the points you mentioned and get back in a day or two.
Just about 2. actually it happened many times over days and weeks the will call and don’t call hence the thirst but I see a good point there too from another perspective.
- This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by thirst_of_validation.
Reviving this thread since a lot of things happened, there is still a back and forth and I have concluded its better to end things but I am finding it very difficult to cut off completely and need advice.
This is what I have tried so far: Sincerely tried some therapy for myself, Deleting contact, blocking, emailing, giving an ultimatum to myself and to this person going no contact for months but whenever the either of us comes back the old somewhat good memories trigger and things are fine for few weeks until it comes falling down.
The therapist suggested: I should end things from my end and focus on my life more and more, so I just left at where it was and sort of was getting back on my feet but then he comes back saying we should keep in touch and very next day starts with the same nonsense.
Cut to few weeks good/bad he promised to call and for the next 2-3 days did not call, I blocked him and maintained for more than 2.5 months, on his birthday unblocked and wished him then agreed to be good friends.
Now it turns out he only wants to talk when he is in the office and when he is free but even that I am supposed to initiate a convo and find out if he is free/not and he will offer breadcrumbs or ignore or ask for favors or just plainly say he will get back.
Overall on this thread and friends in my circle have advised me to cut him off but I am some how unable to completely cut him off, have a little hope that we can be good friends but there are many things here that are not good for me.
If not abruptly what would be the best way to cut off and bring my own peace back? please suggest 🙁
Thank you Inky, this clears my doubts on what he exactly would be feeling vs me pursuing the friendship.
Thank you, you are on point; he never told me much about his married life in general too but I was afraid to assume that this encounter maybe because he is bored in his marriage.
Yeah I shot him down and that is why he is trying to hurt back with this type of ignorance because I want just friendship?
Yes will do, I wish too he contacts infact that’s all I wanted a mutual friendship for old times sake.
Yes I agree with you, I did not think from the perspective where a female friend reached out to my husband similarly.
Ours (husband and mine) and every marriage is built on trust and just because my husband trusts me with my friendships it would feel as if I am cheating on him continuing on.
The only part I am not able to wrap my head around is that I considered him a good friend but turns out its not, finding it difficult to move on with that 🙁
And Anita, sorry to say but I’m now feeling targeted over every story that I share that it is my behavior etc. I already mentioned it is only an example and I have no regrets over it, if u feel the other person has always been righteous in my case from your perspective may it be true for you but everyone has varied experiences in their life with people and it’s not always their fault.
I would appreciate if topics are treated as they are.
Thank you Mark; your guidance is very helpful for me.
Thank you Mark, your comment involves a lot of reading and a major shift for me in what I am doing (LOA) but will read and attempt to understand.
Couple of questions:
Do we create/imagine/believe the “LIKE” in the principle of attraction?
How would one be motivated to continue on this path if there are experiences like the ones I mentioned?
Do you practice this principle and your experience?
Anita, sorry to say but I’m now feeling targeted over every story that I share that it is my behavior etc. I already mentioned it is only an example and I have no regrets over it, if u feel the other person has always been righteous in my case from your perspective may it be true for you but everyone has varied experiences in their life with people and it’s not always their fault.
I would appreciate if topics are treated as they are.
thank you.May 24, 2019 at 11:49 am in reply to: What type of friendship would this be called or am I making a fool of myself? #295571
Thanks alot Anita, I feel at ease now and my questions answered.
You are right the at times closeness is going to hurt again in a similar or worse way.
Will maintain professional behavior only in the workplace context.
I was easily getting caught between the getting close and putting away cycle.May 24, 2019 at 10:47 am in reply to: What type of friendship would this be called or am I making a fool of myself? #295551
Yes Anita that is accurate; getting close then pulling away as and when suited to her.
My reason to start this thread with my question trying to understand what type of friendship is this; with your and other members suggestions I decided to maintain that balance and keep the relation cordial and more professional.
“meaning she pursued you while complaining then (or later) that she has a problem with you being dramatic” : Yes she was pursuing me; not complaining then but in a sense tried to get closer and moved away when she wants it saying she cannot handle my drama.May 24, 2019 at 10:17 am in reply to: What type of friendship would this be called or am I making a fool of myself? #295535
What you explained in your first paragraph of the response; that is exactly what I have been doing for more than a year now.
” expecting her to eat only with you, not with another colleague.” yes because it was pre-decided.
” deserved one-to-one lunch time with her at the breakroom ” not deserved in a sense but again it was pre-decided.
“You have been doing this drama for quite some time now… I am not avoiding you on purpose but you have these dramas every now and then so I have already distant myself”-: Well I have been the one who has distant myself, you tell me if you have distant yourself from someone would you reach out to that person over skype, email and small talk almost on a daily basis? And if I was the one doing that drama would not I have similar experiences with other colleagues/friends or even outside?
” demanding a friendship with her will not get you a friendship with her” No I am not demanding, i was happy being distant and cordial but conversations have been initiated from her as explained above.
“that is a thirst of many years, an intense thirst. It causes you to pay attention to every imaginable offense and take it as such. You interpret events as people being rude to you and you react as if they were rude to you”: Agreed on that but I have many other friends/coworkers etc. where I have not had such experience.
“But what was she to do if she is sitting there for lunch and the other employee asks her if she can join her, she said yes, maybe thinking that you will join the two of them, not intending to hurt you?” If this was the case I would have texted her in advance that someone else has joined but come and we will continue our convo later on.
“And she is trying to avoid you, this is also true, she said it herself: “I have already distant myself”, because you are too intense, too thirsty… and it is not comfortable for her.” I just read a quote on tinybuddha yesterday that you are not everyone’s cup of tea and that’s okay maybe it is the case with her.
From what I know about her past experiences is that she was being told by her older group that she is the one indulges in “dramas” maybe she wanted to throw it at someone else?
All I would expect is initiation from her for closure and being only professional colleagues.May 23, 2019 at 2:23 pm in reply to: What type of friendship would this be called or am I making a fool of myself? #295375
The rage is due to purposeful ignorance that I have noticed between her and other coworkers vs me.