Hi Chloe
I’ve had the same problem but only realised it when I was dumped by an amazing guy who I had been brave enough to open up to. We broke up for other reasons but I have felt completely destroyed by being dumped as I’d taken a risk in being so open with him. However, we’ve been able to part on good terms and I’ve realised as painful as the last few months have been for me I’ve needed it to find out who I really am and what I want for myself without my parents approval being needed, which is a bit pathetic since I’m 32. The fact they have been disappointed about my emotional state during this time made me realise how much I’ve been doing for so long in order to get their approval/praise without even realising it.
I’m finding it tough so I expect you will, but try to do things for you, to make you happy. And the next guy you meet please do be brave and open up, when you trust him tell him your fears and your desires. It might end up in disaster, (like for me) but you’ll feel stronger for it in the end, and you never know it might lead you to happiness.
Best wishes x

Lucy, you’re allowed to have male friends! So don’t apologise for needing to talk to someone about all of this, the fact you needed to meant you weren’t happy. And having found myself questioning what I actually want in life and not what others tell me I want, I found I want children one day and to have been with someone wonderful who I’d imagined that for myself with him, I totally understand the panic you must feel. And while you’re older than me (I’m 32) you don’t need to panic. There is time for everything to happen when it needs to. I’m currently trying to think about two women I know who are positive affirmations of what I could have, my cousin who was in her 40s before she met the right man and only then decided she wanted children. And a lady I work with who decided she wanted children in her 40s and adopted despite being single.
So I understand the desperation to have everything perfect now, but make sure it is on your terms and not because you’re chasing a dream of something. Whats perfect anyway? It doesn’t sound like he’s been that for you all this time?
I hate to say it coz I could be wrong, but if he treated you the way you describe what would he have been like with children? You would have been looking after them pretty much on you’re own anyway by the sound of it.
I appreciate I’m struggling to take this advice myself – but you shouldn’t have to chase someone. If he wants you he’ll make the effort. You are worth it. You’ve done wonderful things for him, like moving to be with him, looking after his dog, looking after him. What about you? Whilst I think we all make our own happiness I also think we need someone to look after us sometimes and you shouldn’t be made to feel bad for needing that. You deserve it. There is someone out there who will treat you how you want to be treated and how you deserve to be treated. Just don’t rush to find them. I know its not what you want to hear when you desperately want to be with him but if its not felt right then you need to try to move on.

Hi Lucy
Having just had a short but very strong long distance relationship end I feel your pain. And I hate to say this but I wonder how much of what you’ve said could have happened to me as I was thinking of moving my life (after we’d broke up) to be with him as he didn’t want it the other way around. He was incredibly sweet and wanted me to move for the right reasons and to be happy and I’m sure I wouldn’t have had the rest of your story but I think that I would have been very alone as I’m quite introverted.

Reading what you have written it sounds like he wanted you on his terms and never on yours. He only gave you the commitment you needed when he thought you might leave and it sounds like he was a control freak. I’ve been in a long term relationship that ended just before my long distance relationship so I guess you’re also wondering if you’ve wasted a lot of time with him? No time is ever wasted if you learnt something. God I didn’t agree with that one for a lot of years!

I’m going to have the balls to give you advice I’m struggling to take myself so feel free to tell me where to go! I think you need to find out what makes you happy just as you (I’m finding this quite hard having not been single since forever ago) and when you have, do more of it. I think for me it is travelling.
How do you feel living where you are? Forget about the loneliness you feel, do you like where you live and work if you moved for him? Have you settled in? I’m feeling a bit lonely where I am and annoyed in my job but I reckon much of that is symptomatic of being unhappy at the moment.
If you’re not happy where you are and are able to move back to where you have friends then do it. My friends have been my greatest strength over the last few weeks. If you feel settled then get out and see friends and try to do things that make you happy.
Sorry much of my advice is muddied in my own story, I really hope you find happiness and joy. Having only just found this website today I’ve just come across the best quote ever I now have stuck in my diary (apologies I can’t remember who said it) ” Reinvest in your dreams”. I think that one is going to get me through my stuff.
Best wishes to you xx