“ For starters, perhaps you should acknowledge it to yourself – that you were abused by him?”

I guess I can, although I wouldn’t call his behavior prior to this accident abusive, troublesome yes. When all of this went down though, he did abuse me through her for sure.

All the theories are appreciated nevertheless.

The ultimate reason though, going by the words of both M an W, was my “horrid treatment” of M. Although no explanation or evidence was ever presented by either of them, and every time I pressed the issue, they changed the topic or gaslit me further.
My conscience is clear there as I know for a fact that if anything, I’ve been way too soft with him.
The only one who actually was abused during this conflict, was W, by M, as I’ve had to wipe her tears and comfort her over it many times.

I also spoke to the guy and I can’t help but to feel that he’s been manipulated too. He was very hesitant to share things but from the little he did, it seems she’s been telling us two different stories or outright lying, and she been demonizing me in his eyes, unsurprisingly.
Although I can also see that he influenced and manipulated her as well, putting her against me.

Perhaps they’re made for each other in the end.

There’s a new feeling in the mix now, a deep disgust.

I have thought of BPD but generally it’s something which manifests itself much earlier in one way or another, not almost two years into the relationship. Who knows at this point.

Thanks for the help nevertheless, it’s all been rather insightful.

“How willing were you to work on this problem?”

Very, but her support in it was vital, although at times I felt like it was lacking since she probably didn’t quite grasp my struggles even though she said she did, and I explained it all in detail.
Neverthless, things still progressed until she got in with him, at that point she just began to blame those issues exclusively on me and angrily refused to acknowledge that she may have also failed me here and there even though it was most likely due to misunderstandings, all of which had a simple solution at hand.

“Have you acted on the problem with your living situation?”

I have to the degree I could, she held the other half of the cards as it was a mutual journey she herself got into with zeal. There was also a very easy and quick solution which was in her hands.
I also acknowledged where I could have done more and was more than willing to put full effort into it, in fact I was already doing so when things went down.

“might be that she felt treated poorly by you?”

I honestly can’t think of anything, in fact she felt so safe and loved with me that she pursued some experiences she greatly feared before, and never regretted it. I always expressed my appreciation for her and the things she did for me, and she received it gladly and lovingly.
Likewise, even at her worst, she never mentioned that I treated her poorly in any shape or form, in fact she acknowledged that our bond has been wonderful and that she cherishes a lot what we had, even though she was accussing me of absolutely ridiculous things when it comes to him.

“unless she was afraid to be completely honest with you? “

Honesty and trust were the cornerstone of our relationship, and we’ve been brutally honest with each other at times. I truly can’t imagine what it could have been.

The switch in her behavior was radical once she involved herself with him, going as far as displaying traits I didn’t even think were in her, such as cruelty, blind anger, lack of empathy, gaslighting, heavy disrespect and a lot of dishonesty (even towards herself).

“Right, so there were things she didn’t like about you. Have you discussed those before your “friend” came into the picture? If so, how did you react to her criticism?”

Not really, she may have reacted to some minor behaviors of mine which irritated her a tiny bit (as I did with hers) a few times but that’s about it. We spoke about and acted on those, and they certainly weren’t something we couldn’t sleep over or even remember the next week. Like I said, our bond was very good.

The relationship problem mostly centered about my living situation, and was very much solvable with a bit more time and effort. In fact, before she got involved with him, she did want to work on it together.

The crux of the problem when it comes to my character, became the notion that I treated him very poorly, with no evidence of any kind being ever presented.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by Tineoidea.

What boggles my mind is that she would so easily and quickly trust somebody she barely knows (and only online), somebody who mistreated and invalidated her for a long time and somebody who caused me a lot of trouble too.

She’s known me in and out for a long time, mentally, emotionally and physically, she knows just how much good I have contributed to her and how much she contributed to me. And even if doubts arise, doesn’t it make sense to discuss them with your partner and closest friend instead of betraying him on the spot while fully switching to the side of your former abuser? He was even open about wanting to tear us apart.

Even if she snaps back to reason and reaches out for me, I wonder if somebody like that could be a trustworthy partner for life, considering just how many times she betrayed me during a few weeks.

This whole situation certainly made me introspect a lot and I can see how I should cut less of a slack to some people. I’ve hurt my own self-respect many times while trying to mediate with people who don’t want to put any effort into it.

I’m not sure if my relationship with him can be salvaged or rebooted at this point and I’m not feeling much desire for it. When it comes to her though, I’m willing to give it a good try as long as she offers a genuine apology and wholeheartedly tries to build the trust anew.