One thing I’m sure is that he has absolutely no intention in ever getting close with her again (she truly betrayed him and his trust), so that’s something I’m not worried about… but this 13 years…is just not something I would be ready to wait for our relationship to be…public and that we could live together than. If this would be heading in some serious direction.

The thing is with intentions… they aren’t always what happens. He may not have intentions in the present, but a lot of change and growth can occur in a person in 13 years, and he will be right there with her to witness all of it. The feeling of betrayal tends to get less over time, especially if they are on good speaking terms and continue to make new positive memories/experiences. I’m not saying he’d go back with her either, but what I am saying is it’s much more likely for them to fall back together when they’re living with each other than it would be if they weren’t.

Also, are you the first one he’s dated since they split or have their been others, and has she seemed jealous in any way if there were others?

It certainly is a tricky situation, and only you can decide what’s right for you. But just know there are a lot of other guys out there who treat their ladies with respect and care, so I would think carefully about the emotional turmoil you might experience from this guy years down the road, when you’re tired of living apart and ready for the next step in your relationship, but you can’t get there because he told you right from the beginning that he will be living with his ex-wife for the next 13 years. If you think you’ll get to a point where this will be too much for you to deal with, it might be better to look elsewhere for someone else who will show you the same level of respect and care. They’re out there.

You’re right that if he’s still talking about it, he isn’t over it. At the very least, he’s holding onto it tightly as part of his story. It sounds to me like he has some issues that he needs to deal with and should probably have some counseling to help him figure out why he can’t let go of the things that happened and what might be causing his blockages.

I also wouldn’t like the living situation if I were you. I had a couple friends who tried to do that while dating other people and it just did not work out well at all and they ended up worse off because of it, basically hating each other. With his kids being only 5 and 10 years old, there is a LONG time to live together before the kids become adults (and separating when the kids are “older” like as teenagers isn’t any better). Are they planning to live together this whole time? I’m not sure that’s a healthy situation for the kids either, and it’s definitely not conducive to either one of them dating, especially if the people they’re dating ever get introduced to the kids. To me, it seems like it would be healthier for everyone to separate, as that’s sort of a weird example to set for the kids too unless they both commit to not dating anyone else while they’re living together… which would leave you out.

If this is his plan that he is bound to stick with and if I were you, I’d probably heed the red flags and back out before you get too attached.

Hi LiamJames:

I’ve definitely felt this before and you’re right, we’re definitely not alone when we experience this. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this, and I hope you’re able to feel peace soon.

You’re welcome!  I can see how that would drive you nuts and how you would want answers from him, it’s a betrayal! He betrayed you and that feels awful and I’m sure a big part of you wants to hear what he has to say for himself. You’re not crazy and what you’re feeling is normal. I’ve even been there myself… I had an ex that cheated on me a lot and I found out through messages on his computer, and I can tell you that nothing he said made me feel any better about what he did. Even when he apologized, I couldn’t trust him anymore and his words didn’t heal the betrayal. It’s just something he shouldn’t have done in the first place, and an honest and loyal man would never even think of betraying you in that way. Plus, if you give him a chance to talk to you, even if it’s just to get some answers, you’re much more likely to end up back in that situation (if he sweet-talks you and makes you feel like he knows he made a mistake and it “won’t happen again”), which honestly sounds like a dangerous situation for you to be in.

I think if you just give yourself some time to process what you’ve found out, let yourself go through the stages… grief, anger, etc., feel them all and then let them pass, and after some time you will feel better and I’m sure you’ll be glad you were able to get out of this situation before it got REALLY bad.  I have a friend who was with a man who did those kinds of things… she was attached to him so much, though, that it took him almost killing her for her to finally leave. He had knocked her out and she woke up as he was dragging her into a lake. She was able to get away though, thankfully, and he is now in jail. So it’s a blessing that you got out of that situation before it went that far for you, too.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by Valora.

I did see the post from Valora and I appreciate the feedback as to what my wife may be feeling. I try to understand the pain she may be going through and I know the scars both physical and emotional will always be there. But I can’t pretend to know what she may be going thorough, as dark as they may be, if she doesn’t present it; even when asked.

I think that was my point, really. You can’t possibly understand the pain she is going through, but yet you were placing expectations on her on how she should have handled her grief and the situation.

For example:

But when our son died, I thought ok, we can do this together, you can lean on me and I’ll lean on you and we can heal together. When we had our other children that was exactly what we did, we “suffered” together. Meaning we tag-teamed in night feedings, sickness, diaper changes. All the things that go on with taking care of a newborn. I expected that we would do the same with our loss. So you can imagine how disappointing and heart wrenching it felt when my wife said that she had “moved on” She never leaned on me for any comfort and it felt like I was standing out there on my own. I was supposed to take care of her and it was like she never needed me for that

Do you see the problem with doing this? Placing expectations? You sounded upset with your wife over this, but it may have been you and your own expectations that disappointed you rather than how your wife chose to cope with the death of her child. From what you’ve written, it sounds like you were expecting things to be handled a certain way, even though there is no right or wrong way to go through grief and people cope in many different ways…. then when your expectations that you had set weren’t met, it increased a negative opinion you have of your marriage and your wife.

I’m sort of focusing on this just so that you’re aware of it… when you place expectations on how you think people should handle things or have a preconceived idea of how they will be handled, it increases relationship negativity and tension when the person handles them any other way than how you think they will… because you will feel disappointed and feel like they weren’t meeting your needs or expectations, which really isn’t fair to them. It’s sort of an important lesson to learn no matter who you’re in a relationship with. And this is especially important to understand in this case because your expectations absolutely added to your negative feelings towards your wife, and if you decide you want to fix things, in order to do so, you have to take ownership of your part in your own negative feelings. I hope the way I’m explaining this makes sense.

I just have one thing I would like to single out a little bit, and I don’t know if it will help or not, but it might help to change your perspective a little:

 She stood by me at my darkest moments, where my wife should have been. And I feel that I have failed as a husband, as I thought that my wife would need me to lean on; as that I feel would have helped with my healing.

I am not using that as an excuse for the affair, but god when someone comes along and walks beside you in your pain, it’s hard to not follow it. And it is extremely depressing and sad when that person is not your significant other. So the biggest question to me, is if we can’t weather this storm together now, will we ever be able to weather another one or will I be out on my island again.

You seem to be putting expectations on your wife on how you think she should be handling her grief. What do you think those expectations are exactly if you were to list them, and do you think those expectations are fair under the specific circumstances?

Being realistic here, a stillborn child is not just a storm for a couple to weather, it’s a tsunami. When a woman carries a child, especially to almost full-term, there is an unspeakable bond with that child that most people won’t understand unless they actually go through a pregnancy. It’s an amaaazing experience but it’s also a lot of HARD WORK, pain, nausea, hunger, weight gain, worry, and let’s not even get started on actually giving birth. I cannot imagine physically and emotionally going through an entire pregnancy and then having a stillborn child.

I am not trying to minimize your pain and what you’re going through in any way, but I think you should maybe look at what your wife is going through a different way. She’s had to go through everything you went through plus the added physical issues of pregnancy and recovery to add salt in her wounds, many of which you’re not going to be able to truly understand because you haven’t experienced pregnancy. She had to handle that in whatever way she needed to handle that, even if that meant her pretending like it didn’t happen (which was probably the only way she could function at the time, I’m guessing) and even if that meant she wasn’t there for you, walking beside you in your darkest moments… it’s likely she was going through something darker. Again, I’m truly not trying to minimize your grief as I can’t imagine how difficult it has been for you, but it’s just that added component that women have with going through an entire pregnancy, birth, and recovery, that men don’t have to deal with.  Have you thought of it that way before?

Then there is the other woman… she wasn’t dealing with major grief when she was there for you, walking beside you in your pain, right? If not, it was likely EASY for her to be there for you at that time, far easier than it ever would’ve been for your wife.

I just have to wonder if your feelings for her are extra heightened because of the emotional state you were in when you started the affair. I think, when people are going through grief, ANY good feelings that people are able to have tend to feel AMAZING (heightened because of the contrast). She was helping to relieve your grief, so you now associate her with relief, and you also saw her as giving you something your wife wasn’t, while probably not realizing that it was easier for her to give it to you because she was not dealing with her own trauma at the time. I can also see how sharing with someone all of your feelings about the death of a child would make you feel closer to them. Did you have any sort of flirty attraction with this woman before all of this happened?

I honestly didn’t think it classified as a conversation. I never ever lied to this girl about anything. At times, I was perhaps too honest. I wanted to be the opposite of what she told me the other guys were. And I would never put the guy who upset her over her like she apparently thinks.

Yeah, I’d say it sounds like you didn’t lie, or intentionally mislead her, by telling her you hadn’t talked to him in 2 months. At the very least, I’d consider it an unreasonable thing for her to get mad over, especially when she was overstepping a privacy boundary and looking through your phone, essentially spying on you, which you did not deserve given your efforts to prove you are trustworthy.

Honestly, it sounds to me like you should see this as good riddance. She has some growing up to do before she’s going to be able to be in a healthy relationship with anyone, and this probably would’ve been a problem with her for your entire relationship if you’d stayed together, with you constantly having to walk on eggshells and strictly remember everything you do in case she snoops and then asks about it. Is that really how you want to live?

But I think it’s not about taking things slow or fast, it’s her issues with trust that are the real problem here.  Relationship speed won’t make a difference when it comes to that. She never would’ve trusted you because she likely doesn’t trust anyone, and a relationship without trust won’t work. You could be the absolute best man on the planet for her and show her that in every way possible and it still won’t matter if she doesn’t fix those trust issues because they will likely end up sabotaging the relationship in the long run. And there also isn’t anything you can do or say that will logically convince her that there isn’t anything to worry about because those trust issues preceded your relationship. That’s something she has to work on herself and she’s the only one that can fix it.