I am trying to get it in my head that no matter what I did that it wouldn’t of worked.  It is very hard though when I changed into someone else during our relationship.  However, I do think if i would of stood up to her, she may have still felt guilty and such.  Making it to a point where she would want to end things.

Like I said, i will never really know for sure.  It’s just hard to let those thoughts go.  Hard to move on and enjoy life now.  Fridays are the worst.  That’s when i got most excited, cause I was going to see her.  I’m trying to be that way now with my girlfriend cause we only get fridays and saturdays together.

Yeah, I really don’t think you standing up to her would’ve made any difference. Think about it this way… the way you were acting was a reaction to her seemingly backing off, right?  That means she made her decision to change things and back off BEFORE you started acting differently. She was already in the process of making up her mind without talking to you about it, so your opinion or thoughts wouldn’t have changed anything, and, who knows, it might’ve made things even worse.  You may be finding it hard to let it go, but all it really takes is making the decision to let it go, and then it’s easier after that. You might want to ask yourself WHY you don’t want to let it go. Is it possible you are afraid you’ll get over her if you let all of this go and then she’ll come back after you do and you won’t want her anymore?

You also seem to compare your current relationship with your girlfriend with your relationship with your ex a lot, which is not helping because they are two completely different types of relationships (long-distance weekend relationship vs. every day real life), and two completely different people, so it’s comparing apples with oranges, you know?  I think it’d help if you’d get yourself into a situation you ARE happy with, even if you just make improvements to your life outside of your current relationship if you don’t want to leave that right now.  You’ll have an easier time changing your mindset if you focus on YOU rather than your girlfriend or your ex although you still do need to think about your girlfriend too, because you’re with her, but I hope you know what I mean… just find some things you truly enjoy and that improve your life.

Valora, i’m trying to forget those thoughts when they hit.  Honestly it feels like they are coming more and more now though.  I don’t know what’s going on with my head.  I think  i have cried everyday this week.  twice one day.

It’s likely they’re coming more and more because you’re still very heavily focusing on her. You’re constantly thinking about how you reacted or what you did or what you should’ve done or what she did, that you aren’t giving yourself a chance to let the thoughts go because you ruminate on them when they come in.  You are also clearly frustrated with how you’re feeling, which means you’re still fighting the thoughts and you are the one who is allowing it to consume you. You don’t have to do that. You just seriously have to try to relax and let the thoughts go out as soon as they come.  Literally have a self-dialogue of “hey, there’s another one of those thoughts. That’s okay. I’m just going to let that thought go and focus my attention elsewhere” and then start thinking of something else. It is a psychological fact that we can only pay attention to or truly focus on one thing at a time, so if you shift your focus intensely toward something else, an activity, a TV show, a really good book that interests you, etc., every time you think of her, switching to something else, those thoughts WILL slow down, but you can’t fight them either.  Like I said, let them come and go like a stream passing through a tunnel.

How do you let go of those kind of regrets?

You let them go by forgiving yourself, realizing that doing things differently likely would’ve changed nothing, realize this happened because you had an important lesson to learn and moving forward. You cannot change the pass, so regrets serve absolutely no purpose other than to drive you insane. You have to learn to let go. I think it might help you to read some blogs or books or anything on learning HOW to let go until you find something that works for you. We cannot live in the past, and you will never get over this until you can learn how to let the past go.

Valora,

You’re absolutely right. One of my biggest challenges in life has always been to just try and accept things when they are not as I want them to be. I feel the need to control, fix, change. Things outside my control seems like an alien concept.

I agree, I will keep experiencing that lesson until I get it, but I have no clue how. Have you any advice about how to come around to that level of acceptance?

I think listening to Kyle Cease’s YouTube videos has helped me with that more than anything. That and just reading things on the internet about how to let go of control. It takes some work and a lot of self-talk, and you kind of have to reprogram the way you think, but it helps. I still have moments where I fall back into feeling like I need to know an outcome or like I want some sort of control over a situation, but that’s just where I have to remind myself that I don’t really NEED that and question WHY I want it. If I can figure out WHY I want to know that or what I think I’ll gain from it, I can sort of look at things more objectively and figure out if I really neeeed to know it or if I’m hoping something else will come from it and what the likelihood of that something I want happening is and then if it DOESN’T happen, how will I feel? Better or worse? Then I usually decide that the not knowing is better and I should just leave the past behind me and do my best to move forward.

I wonder now whether it is love at all. Or just attachment and being completely reliant on someone. It makes me feel like I am loosing control of my life. Like I too need a fix so that I can succeed in life. So I can feel happy again.

I have tried to withdraw from these feelings and learn to not rely or need him so much so that my actual everyday life depends on it but when I do that I feel I am not being true to myself? Almost like I won’t tell him about the events of today because i will fall into a pattern of needing to do this again!

Kkasxo, have you ever heard the term cognitive dissonance? It can drive a person crazy when your mind believes you need to do one thing and your heart tells you that that doesn’t feel right. Until both things come into agreement, it’s extremely uncomfortable. I think that’s kind of what you’re experiencing where you know it’s not good for you to talk to him because it feeds your attachment to him, but at the same time, you feel like you should be. The way to fix this is to decide which direction really is the best way to go and then keep going that direction and stay firm with it and eventually the other will fall in line.

I don’t know if you’ve read much of my story in this thread, but I had a relationship similar to yours as well. I’m somehow farther along in my recovery as I knew I had attachment issues and that that was the lesson this breakup was trying to teach me, so I’ve been working seriously hard since January to break my attachment issues, not just to my ex but to everything else I’m attached to (like “things” for example. My house is cluttered because I had a hard time getting rid of anything and I had to learn how to detach from that stuff too).  So I think you’re right. It IS an addiction and an attachment that you’re feeling, but those can both be overcome with work. A lot of work. But I feel it’s worth it.

And I don’t know if this will help, but I truly believe we have much more than one or even two soulmate connections out there. There is a whole group of people scattered across the planet who are connected to us in that way and capable of giving us the feeling that we felt with our exes. So it’s totally possible for you to find that love again, but it most likely won’t happen until you’re able to let go of your ex. It’s okay to give yourself as long as you need, though. These things take time. I am light years better than I was even 2 months ago, but I still have my days where I miss him and cry (usually when something is going bad somewhere else in my life and I miss the comfort I used to get from him), and that’s okay. It’s just a process.

 I know after she left me, i went down hill so hard and spiraled out of control in a very bad way.  I think what may have been one of my last opportunities to have another shot or fix anything that was done, i did just the opposite of what i should have.  I kept talking to her best friend, kept bugging my ex, then i got back on dating sites almost instantly.  It was like i didn’t know how to be alone anymore and i needed a fix.  Some attention of some kind.  What’s funny is that it did work for a minute.  When ever i would start messaging other woman, sometimes 3 or 4 at the same time, it would take my mind off of my ex.  But as soon as I stopped and had no attention.  I would think about her and miss her, ect, ect, ect…  Again.  I feel like a child.  It’s stupid crazy.  Like I forgot how to be alone,  how to live on my own without the need for that.

I don’t have time to respond to much right at the moment, but I did want to respond to this.  Your reaction to your break up was a very, very common and normal one. It’s actually unusual when people who feel blindsided with a breakup handle it well without spiraling or seeking comfort elsewhere at least for a little bit.  Don’t beat yourself up over this, please. This is something you need to forgive yourself for. And reacting in the opposite way likely would have changed absolutely nothing because she’d already made her decision.  I DID react in the opposite way. I stayed calm, left him alone for the most part (always cordial the few times we did talk), I stayed single even though I had a ton of guys start messaging me because I knew I wasn’t ready, etc. And guess what? That didn’t make him want me back any more than if I had reacted how you did.  How we react doesn’t matter. They were going to feel the same no matter what because the breakups ultimately weren’t about us. The breakups were about THEM and how THEY were feeling and what THEY wanted or didn’t want, and we have absolutely no control over any of that.  So you really, really need to forgive yourself for your reaction. It likely didn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by Valora.

I have recognised today that ultimately the person who is in a relationship is more at fault here than I am. The guilt is mostly coming from the fact that I felt a lot of anger towards the person that my ex strayed with, and this has made me feel like a hypocrite.

I think it’s pretty natural to have some anger toward the person they cheated with. That’s just a response seemingly everyone has when that happens. I had an ex when I was younger that used to cheat on me constantly, 8 different girls that I know of. I was too stupid to leave back then. I used to get mad at the girls until I finally realized it wasn’t them, it was him. Most of them didn’t know me so why should they care about me or my relationship? Even the ones that did know me, the blame was still squarely on my boyfriend at the time. It was HIM that was supposed to be remaining faithful. It wasn’t up to the girls to make sure he did.

I am certain that my alcohol dependency comes mainly from two things; social anxiety and there being seemingly not much else to do socially where I live.

Alcohol gives me a false sense of confidence that I do not have while sober. It brings me out of my shell for a bit but then I end up doing things that I regret. I have always believed very strongly that people who do bad things when they drink simply should not, but I now realise that this is easier said than done.

I have been out to a drinking occasion before where I just had one drink as I want driving home. It was probably one of the most enjoyable times I’ve had with this particular group of friends and it was wonderful the next day to be able to remember everything and know that I did nothing out of character.

I totally understand this, too. I also live in a small area where there isn’t a whole lot to do other than go out to bars or stay home and watch movies, and alcohol brings me out of my shell, too, because I tend to be a little more subdued when I’m uncomfortable. Alcohol makes me feel comfortable. A little too comfortable. haha. I’ve made many mistakes over the years from being under the influence. Heck, one of my kids came from drinking too much one night (wouldn’t change it for the world, though). lol. I never ever drink anymore if I’m upset or sad in any way because I’ve learned that’s when I tend to make my biggest mistakes under the influence.

Over the years, though, I’ve also learned the key is to just drink that one drink to loosen you up just a tad (or two if you have a higher tolerance)… and then switch to something nonalcoholic. I have a lot of friends in bands and I love to go listen to them play, so I’ll just drink a screwdriver or something when I get there, and then I switch to just orange juice. That way I have something in my hand still to drink (so it tricks my brain into feeling like I’m drinking and I LOOK like I’m drinking as well. haha) but yet I’m not actually getting intoxicated. By the time it’s time to leave, that first and only alcoholic drink has worn off, I’ve had a great time, and I feel great the next day.  Maybe give that a try the next time you go out?

Valora,

I know you’re right. I just can’t get that to sink in that I must accept it and move on and that he won’t change. I think it’s about control, I have an issue with. I can’t understand how I can’t fix something. Probably naïveté on my part too.

I do think it’s possible for them to change, though. It’s just going to take work on their part and we really have no way of knowing whether they’ll actually do it. I found out a few months ago my ex is going to counseling, so that’s definitely a step in the right direction for him.  We just have to be sure not to put our lives on hold waiting for anything to change or even waiting for them to come back (as in my case, I don’t know as if he ever will), so that’s where the moving forward comes in to play. It’s just about remaining open to other possibilities with other people once we feel ready for that (in our own time). I still like to believe that if it’s meant to be, our paths will cross again, whenever the timing is more right. If that happens, even if I’ve completely let go and moved forward, the feelings will come back. And if our paths don’t cross, well I wouldn’t want to be with someone I’m not supposed to be with anyway, right?  It’s just kind of about having faith that I’ll find the FEELING that I want again in someone, whether it’s a reconciliation with my ex once we’ve both done our growing or whether it’s with someone entirely new. Either way, the old relationship has to be let go of entirely because that’s in the past now. I think the same probably would apply for you, too.

I had an issue with control too, though. I always wanted to know what was going to happen and when, to the point that I would always read spoilers to movies and TV shows just because I like to know. But life doesn’t give us spoilers, so I had to learn to just go with the flow. I still struggle with it sometimes and that’s when I start feeling anxious, but it feels a lot less stressful and a lot more free when I just surrender control and take life as it comes, without expectations.

 It was refreshing, motivating, joyful, Life itself with a capital L, fireworks and all,  suddenly and magically appearing in your life in all its glory, sort of. Correct? Like the grass has never been greener and the  sun never more pleasant and inviting one to play..I can go on and on. “Pure bliss” you called it. I  know this feeling. There is no better feeling, to feel this way  for  someone and be together with that someone, or even imagine being together, looking forward, like you looked  forward that weekend, for Friday night, then Saturday, then Sunday. And now that it is over, you still long for her/ for that  feeling. Why would anyone let go of the memory of this feeling, of still wanting it?

What you’re describing here seems surreal, and I don’t know about John, but it’s not really what I felt. I feel like that’s the honeymoon phase that a lot of people experience when their emotions and hormones are heightened and they’re “flying in the clouds,” so to speak. That’s the one that definitely doesn’t last because it’s more of an excited state rather than a baseline feeling. What goes up, must come down. So, John, if this is what you felt, it might have just been an extended, really strong honeymoon phase.

What I felt was more of a calm. Nothing else in my life was really heightened and I wasn’t in an excited state. The grass seemed the same as always, the sun shown as usual, but when we were near each other, we were drawn together like magnets, just always wanting to be hugging or just connected in some way, even just holding hands, for 2 straight years. And he felt like “home” to me. I felt extremely comfortable, relaxed, safe, warm, protected, calm. Other boyfriends have made me feel some of those things but never to the extreme extent all together to where it literally just felt like I was home and all was right with the world. And that really is probably how children feel with a nurturing parent BUT, again, correlation is not causation. That is just a good feeling for people in general, young and old, and if we know how that feels, we’re going to want it. Now if that feeling SCARES someone, then that fear (of either the feeling or the loss of it) might have to do with an attachment issue with a parent.

Anyway, the reason why that kind of thing is so hard to get over, besides missing the feeling, is that it’s hard to want less than that, and for sure it takes a special kind of connection with someone to give you that feeling. It’s not something you can just get with anyone.  BUT that’s where faith comes in.  You just have to believe that you will have that feeling again, either with someone new who is also a soul connection or perhaps your ex will come back when you’ve both done some growing (and with growth, you won’t experience that jealousy of her son. That was a clue that you had work to do on yourself, namely attachment/insecurity issues. I had the same ones).  None of us know what will happen in the future, but if we really want to experience that feeling again, we have to believe it will come after we’ve done some self-improvement and are ready to hold it gently this time.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by Valora.