Hi Butterfly76,

Quote
“So I guess I just dont know what to do with the information, or lack of, that I have and how I deal with it and move forward. Do I keep trying to find out things or do I leave it as is and try to resolve things as they stand. Im not sure how to resolve it.”

Whether to pursue the truth or not is your choice to make. You should look at your life and see what you feel inside. Look at the time you have available, at the many things you’d like to do, at the responsibilities you feel. Is spending time for this man something you want to do, something you can do, something you ought to do? I understand he makes you remember about the old man he was, that his words make old lost hopes come back, that you so wish to believe he is back for you. But he is a new man and the hopes you gave up are not back. I know it is easier said than done, but try to treat him as a new man you just met and he especially likes you because you make him think about a woman he was in relationship with and you also like him because he makes you think about a man you were in a relationship with. Would you invest in such a relationship? Do you have time, do you think it is worthy? I understand you may have trust issues from the past, but I suppose you would not trust a new man that easily as well, especially one who has brain damage. I also believe you should not feel like staying close to him is something you have to do. He left you. Although he acts like you had a commitment, the truth is that you have none. It is up to you to see whether you can afford to be so kind to give him a new chance. Please, do not look for the future you once hoped for, but for a new one. If you decide to give a chance, please remember he is another man, it is a new relationship, make it clear to him as well: you start anew for a new future. Everything he remembers later, it should be treated as something new (he just found), not something old.

Summing it up, my personal advice is to not hurt yourself by looking for the old man into the new man. Whether you can do it close to him or only far away from him, it is something you can only understand: maybe you may actually need a bit of time to get used to the idea.

Hi mehatanatasha6,

I don’t think that is a sign of a toxic relationship. It looks more like the sign of mourning, loss and denial. You absolutely do not want to let him go with all your heart. It is a nightmare, and you desperately seek reassurance that he won’t go, a reassurance he can only give. Unfortunately this will not happen, he has commitments and looks very pleased to respect them. After all you both knew in advance things may not go that way forever. This is something you will heal with time, you need to stay away from him and try to replace what you lost with something else. I know, it is easier said than done, especially in this very moment. But these are the thoughts and things you may try to hang on, while you move yourself out of this pain:

1)What he gave you can be replaced with something else. Were you good friends, did you share intimate details about your thoughts? You can find plenty of other good friends and share your mind with them. Were you passionate and physically attracted? I don’t have the heart to tell you that you may find somebody else, but you got an husband: push that man out of his comfort zone and physical laziness. I’m sure you learned a trick or two during this experience.

2)Try to interact with him as little as possible. If your mind drifts that way stop it, think about something else. If someone talks about him, ask them to not mention your colleague. Do not look for him in that intimate way (or at least not always). If you cannot keep your emotion in check and just his sight makes you sad, do not look for him at all. Move in another office or somewhere new far away from him. If you want to be nice, explain him that you want to move out from this need of him and that now you should stay separated. It is not something personal, but now you have to protect yourself from this feelings and only distance can keep them in check. Maybe he will actually help you out and collaborate by making things easier on you and appearing less often in your life or hiding from you some details of his life you find hard to accept.

3) Think about the time you spent with him as a blissful past, as a time that made its course and changed. It is something you had and can always carry with you as a memory, but it cannot be back again in the future. However, there are things you can still live. Find them, morph them, adapt them to a present without him, and make them suitable to live them with somebody else (like I explained in point 1). Talk to somebody else like you talked to him, you never know, you may find a reply you may actually like.

4) Remain active, do as much as you can, find a new hobby, find a friend you can speak all your heart out to or maybe a friend whose hand you can hold when you are crying and feel really lost. Go to the gym, go to the library, change your hair style, listen to the music, write a poetry, reply to people in this forum, compose a song, learn to play an instrument, try to make a new dish, change duties on your job, do something you stopped doing and that used to like before meeting him.

5)If you want to make things more gradual. Enjoy the time you still have with him, but talk with him about where you are heading. Get ready to let him definitively go when the time will come. Start to fill the empty time with something else and start to move away.

Hi Helen,

I understand that at this point the world looks very gloomy. However, few people are lucky enough to have everything they want, others have to fight for it. I understand you feel you have an handicap now and it is quite hard to think you’ll need to restart everything all over. However, many people restart it all over when they experience a loss. It is an hard time, a time of change, a time to find new routine, a time of fear that things may not work out in the end. But do you remember, how was it when you walked the first time on the ground? You did not know what you had, you did not know what was in your power, yet you moved and walked and made more than one step. So, please, look at the world with the eyes of a child, this is you first time once again in your new self. Make your first steps and the others will naturally follow. And this is what a child does: he does not look too much ahead, he does not wonder where those steps will carry him, he just moves and rejoices of his moves. So consider everything you do as a new conquest, as a new victory. Maybe you won’t get everything you ever wanted, but you can still take a lot from life.

You found a caring friend and it is surely something precious, you can rejoice at. Obviously, it is not a committed relationship, you cannot count on him every time you’d like to. Consider this your first step, but do not depend on him. Maybe you can be happy that he decided to stay with you this time, and nothing tells you he may be with you even later after you have made more steps by yourself.

Quote
“Can anyone tell me how to really find out if you love someone?”

That depends on what you mean by love. Surely attraction and needs are a component of love. But these things may pass: when you find out you can afford more, because you made more steps on your path, you may find that person no more that attractive or you may not need that person as much as before. In my personal view, you love someone when you remain with him/her even if you can afford more, maybe just because he/she needs you, maybe until you are both ready to part. So the question of love is: if you found someone better than him, and this new person was actually willing to stay with you, who would you stay with? If he had an accident, would you go to a party with your friends or would you stay with him?
Now you are just starting to make your first steps back to life, but you fear things may not go so well, you may think that he is the best man you will ever find. Maybe you could not think that someone better may propose to you one day, so it may be easy for you to think it is love.

Anyway, the pain you feel is due to the fact that you need him now. You love his company and you want more of it. How do you stop such pain? You will need time away from him. So there are two choices you can make.
The first is to tell him your feelings are starting to grow and you are starting to miss him. Since he told you he cannot love you back, you have to protect yourself. You need to stay away. Then you keep active, do something else, surround yourself with many friends, spend time with your family, read, listen to music, write on this forum, do something pleasant to override those memories of him. Having new friends is what works best. Anyway, some need will always remain as long as you don’t find a new boyfriend.
If you are already quite fond of him and you don’t think things may become any worse, you may as well enjoy the time with him as long as it lasts and deal with the pain of loss later (you never know you may have made more steps and be actually in a better position to deal with it). So you may agree to a relationship where you both are free to part any time (maybe with some warning, just to make you ready).

You may also feel in pain because you fear new boyfriends may take advantage of you like your ex boyfriend did. I believe you learned a lot from your previous relationship, you learned what are the signs of toxicity and now you know when it is time to part and move on. If someone accuses you that you are too clingy or demands too much, that’s not the man for you. It does not matter whether you are really clingy or not, you are clingy for him, and you are OK the way you are, there are many more men who may like a girl that always looks for them. So, what you have to have to do is to learn to say farewell, to part when it is time. I understand it is painful and it is a need that suddenly goes unsatisfied, but you found out that becomes worse. So please, when you part from your current friend, consider it as a way to learn to deal with such a loss, and you’ll be stronger for the next relationship.

• This reply was modified 10 years ago by Vhanon.
• This reply was modified 10 years ago by Vhanon.

Hi David,

It seems clear to me that you should not have any trust issues at this point. She was completely honest and told you what’s on her mind. She did not promise you anything and it is not sure she will eventually be in a relationship with you.

Now the decision is yours to make. Do you want to try to compete for her with the other guy or do you want to give up? Consider that she may take an huge amount of time to actually decide, there is also a risk that she gets so used to the competition that she sees no point about deciding and she may eventually feel comfortable to have two half-boyfriends. So if you decide to compete, discuss the pros and cons, but set a deadline for her decision (a month or so), if she didn’t decide by that time, let her go. Do you want to wait for an undecided girl forever? There are many others who may have a much more clear mind.

However, let me point out that you are not in a good position. The other guy is closer to her and he can be there for her much more often that you can. She is free to see him whenever she likes, since she is not committed to you. Moreover, you will have to spend much more resources to keep the relationship going on. If you push yourself now, you’ll going to be tired later, she will spot the difference and may claim you are not the man you was. If you try to keep a sustainable pace, chances are the other guy will do more to her eyes because he will not need to pay for the distance.

My personal advice is to let her go. Be proud of the fact she still thinks about you after such a long time, but your bound is not strong enough and things are carrying you away. Tell her that you fear the distance may eventually make things worse with you and, since she thinks you and the other guys are about the same, the other guy is going to be a better match because he is closer.

Anyway, feel free to discuss with her the pros and cons of the situation, especially the distance issue. However, do not expect she can be very clear about it, nor push her to take a stance. There are things she may only understand by actually living them. The point that seems to worry you is only one: if she commits to you and if one day she finds something better, will she still be with you or will she follow that something better? What do you think would be the right thing to do? What would you do in that situation? What do you think your girlfriend should do? Most importantly, are the future expectations more important than the present that you should renounce to a nice relationship in the present for the fear things may not work out in the future or is it ok to be together as long as it lasts? These are the questions of trust you need to answer. She may not have a clear mind yet, if it is so, it’s up to you to gamble you time and risk or to look somewhere else for what you want.

• This reply was modified 10 years ago by Vhanon.

Hi Chil,

I understand the present looks so stressful that you naturally go back to that blissful past you lived with your ex and wonder whether things would be better now if you were with him. You made some choices during the last five years that led you to this present, and if you think calmly those choices make sense. You left each other because his family could not accept your marriage, so nothing tells you that things would be better now with him. When you were together, he protected you from his family, he shielded you and valued all your qualities. However those were not things he could do forever, eventually his energies run low and he could not protect you anymore. That is when he proposed to part, so that you could find a family that would treat you better. So, going back to the past is not the solution to the problems in the present, chances are they would still occur even if you were with your ex now. The point is that you have to find your own energies to protect yourself, so that nobody will ever harm you. Not even your ex could do it forever in your place.

So the following are my advices to find some energies and protect yourself.

You can try to communicate with your husband and his family. Do not tell them you are capable, tell them you are doing your best. You are learning and trying hard, and you were not supposed to know all those things already. When your husband decided to marry you, they all accepted the arrangement even if they did not know how good you were. You all committed to be a big happy family and that’s exactly the thing you want: work together to the success and happiness of everybody, and your happiness is included. Moreover, tell them you also have a job and it is just your right to relax at times, you cannot give all your mind and body too cooking and cleaning in your spare time. Tell them that you are stressed and tired, and you reached your limit. You worked hard and deserve some peace and rest. Tell them the next day you’ll be stronger.

I understand his family is quite demanding and it is very hard to please. However, try to understand that is just their viewpoint and their way to frame their desires. The fact is that you are good the way you are (after all you lived with them five years), but you can be better. Yes, everybody can be better, but that’s not a goal you have to set up for yourself unless you want. Do you really want to please them so much? If you want to please them or want to improve in those activities they wish you were better in, then focus on what they want, ask them advices about how you can improve what you do, how you can find more time, what you can do when you are tired. They will help you and understand you better and respect you more. If you do not want to please them and do not want to improve, then do not mind what they say. Tell them that you are good the way you are and do not need to improve. You’ve got a job and you do really a lot already. Tell them you know you may be better at home, but you are not interested, you want to focus on your career. Or maybe you want to take care of your body and soul.

Moreover, recall that, since you are financially independent, you have a back-up plan: divorce. However, think about it as your last weapon, the last safety net. If everything fails, you are your own woman. So be proud of yourself that you have such an opportunity. That is an inner source of strength. Really, if you divorce, you would show everybody how you can take care of yourself and maybe your kids away from them. Then you can start a life at your own pace. But please, do not talk about it… yet.

Really, do not look back at that past. This is your place, this is your life, this is your world, this is your path. You just have to push it in the right direction. Craft your future, either in your current family or somewhere else where you are independent and new. Keep treasure of the experience of the past, and show everybody that you are capable and can do it.

• This reply was modified 10 years ago by Vhanon.
• This reply was modified 10 years ago by Vhanon.

Hi Chris,

The grief and the sense of emptiness you felt was due to the fact you’ve lost something. You lost her, your health, and the moral freedom to engage in a new relationship as once you used to. That’s a loss, that’s hard to bear. In the attempt to put something in its place, you find her as the culprit and maybe think that revenge may make up for it. Unfortunately nothing can give you back what you lost, her pain will not make you feel better in the end. You may claim that justice have been made, but things won’t be back as once they were. Moreover, she suffered already as well, after all she lost you and she found out another time that her illness is going to make her be cast away.

It is not forgiveness your problem, you already forgave her and renounced to act in revenge. What you need is filling up that void left by things you lost. You need to take care of yourself and find something new to do in life, something you can be again proud of, something that makes your life fulfilled. It may be easier said than done right now, but you may start by granting yourself some gifts, an holiday, something you ever wished to do. It is time to give yourself a redound and maybe a prize for forgiving her. Imagine you had the choice to trade your health for something else, what that something else would be?

“I still love him and want him back but I want him to treat me better. Is it time to end NC or keep going until he contacts me?”

If you want him to treat you better, then you want another person, a person that has his face and maybe other pleasant traits but behaves better. A person that does not exist at the moment. It may be easier to give up on his look and find someone else who actually behaves better rather than trying to shape him into what you want. His change is his choice and he may be actually fine the way he is. I suppose you tried already a few times, if words and care did not work up to now, why will they work later? You’ve already been far and that did not change him. He already made promises to you and he did not keep them.

The best thing to do is to tell him that you do not love him anymore (somehow that’s true, you love the non-existing man), that his behavior really put you down. Then close contacts again. Then live a happy life and show him what he is missing of you due to his negligence. At that point when he misses you, if he misses you, he may really take into account the words and the request you used to say and change. But don’t rely on it.

Hi Yanmei,

I’m glad you could find something useful among my words.

Maybe it’s an hard thing to accept that we cannot control everything. When we call a person ours, it may become difficult to acknowledge they still have the right to their own choices and to their time. Your boyfriend is first of all a boyfriend, then he is yours. He is another person and that’s the fun part: he adds something new to the couple. Please feel honored by the time he decides to spend with you, he welcomes you in his life and that’s precious gift. Feel proud of the time you decide to spend with him, you welcome him in your life and that’s a precious gift.

If sometimes he does something you do not like, please acknowledge his right to choose, you may eventually find out that’s a good thing for him and maybe for you as well. Or you my find a reason to point to him that what he chose to do was not such a great idea. However, resist the temptation to give the faults to others. It’s easier to be angry with his sister rather than with him for his choice, you are close to him and far from her. Please, consider that his sister may be thinking the same thing about you, that you are taking his brother away and making him do something she does not like. Maybe your fondness for him can be a nice common point for a friendship, rather than a point of contention.

Good luck with your fortress, build one spare room, you never know when you may have guests.