I know you said that the pain is not new, but just a realization of what was there. Seems different though. More intense and more directed. More like a complete slap in the face after attempting to reach out in love and trust. Doesn’t feel like the continuing pain of loneliness.

The weeks when things were going great were amazing. I can see where the line about behind every great man is a woman comes from. But, the end game was still disappointment and sadness.

Other goals have been easy, but perhaps I wasn’t fighting myself over them. Millionaire by 40, check – 3 years early. But, I hadn’t convinced myself to stay single and celibate with regard to that.

It’s funny. Sometimes human actions are easy to understand. For example, there are generally only a handful of motives for murder: money/advancement(broadly speaking), jealousy, revenge, sadism(would toss just because in here), and extra-special stupid (depraved heart).

So, why is it so hard to deal with relationships?

And yes, the ratio of men to women out here has even made new in sources around the country. Simply stated, a woman could almost be Grendel’s Mother and find a guy out here. Just about any woman with a pulse can find a man out here. This has always led me to wonder why some women out here settle for what I see them with. This also makes me nervous about those who have not already found a guy. As I learned with the last woman: educated, seemingly intelligent, physically attractive … then learn that she is lying and manipulative.

So, I am really at a loss. I believe that I can be loving and caring to the right woman, despite my hard nosed reputation. Just doesn’t seem to matter.

Have come to realize that I got lied to when I let me mother move out her, I got lied to by the woman I cared about, I get lied to on a daily basis on the job. I have also realized that when I am giving, it comes back to bite me.

now back to the same dull pain and joyless existence, except with a family member so won’t leave, and who never had any interest in leaving. All that I got for my kindness was 1.5 years of false promises and a by financial outlay once I figure out what to do. I am probably going to have to be the one that moves.

I don’t really have pleasure in the things I used to do.

Kind of getting the feeling that she may be where I was for so many years, with the difference that she had a live-in significant other for a few months. Her prior partners remind me of comments about some people latching on to whatever happens to pass by. Still don’t understand her, especially when so many others were suggesting yes to her.

But, now have to focus on moving forward myself. Need to forget about her, but need to focus on retaining what so learned.

Still trying to figure out if the whole thing is really worth it to go through again. Yes, it was an amazing feeling unlike anything I have experienced before, but the amount of time involved and the lack of certainty cause concerns. If I were certain that I could experience that feeling again, I would be all for it. But, I can’t.

In many respects, kind of the same pattern, provided her with a benefit and then after she received the benefit, I might as well not exist. Wish it was easier to unwind the emotional connection.

Perhaps I should have taken the comment to a coworker more seriously that she just doesn’t like people anymore. I don’t rightly know. Perhaps I should have picked up on some of her prior relationship partners, but did not have that info until after the fact. Though, I do remember seeing her with a tatted up guy several months ago, but never thought too much of it at the time. Now I wonder, especially after having seen two of her former boyfriends come through the criminal system. Perhaps she just can’t function with stability and some semblance of normalcy. I just wish I was better able to stop thinking about the mess and concentrate on other things.

As for me, I am at a bit of a loss. Amusingly, had two women strike up conversations with me, but at least one of them is ~18 years younger than I am, the other is ~13 years younger by my estimation. I know both of them, but thought that it was weird for one to sit down at the table I was at and start a conversation.

Again, find myself in the position I have been for the last ~8 years. Being the lonely reliable one, at the office keeping things going behind the scenes. Had next week’s schedule change twice, and lost several hours of preparation on a case. Perhaps she was right, I just don’t have time for a relationship. Well on my way to another 60-70 hour work week, and we’re supposed to pick up a few things for people who are too stressed with their workload. Funny, I never see them after hours really late. Heck, sometimes they don’t even make full work weeks.

Not really sure where to go from here relationship wise. I have come to realize that education and intellect don’t always equal good decisions in relationships.

Not sure how to present my softer/kinder side without seeming silly. Slow, compassionless, remorseless and step-by-step demolition of the opposition I am good with. Expressing care and softer feelings, not so much. Of course, I deal with enough psychopaths and other unsavory people to realize that everybody tries to show that they “care.” When I have attempted to show my softer side, had generally resulted in getting taken advantage of. What’s the line, no good deed goes unpunished?

Ironically, didn’t date in college/grad school and early in career because I felt I didn’t have the resources to do so. Now, I have the resources and no time and not many options to choose from.

As far as family goes, not sure what to do. I am almost tempted to simply move myself. Probably the only way I will get separation.

Rather depressed about the whole thing, but mostly just tired of what Thoreau (think I have the right one) would call a life of quiet desperation.

Well, part of it is that she has decided to stay with her current job despite hating it(which could be a conflict). Pay and benefits apparently too good to pass up. The more I think of it, the more I think she wants to go back home. Did pick up that she thinks the area out here is backward and not as sophisticated as back home.

As much as I would have loved to have her as a part of my life, I am not really seeing that happening. In a way, mad at myself for thinking that it might work after having given her time.

Wondering if I didn’t fall in love with the idea of her instead of her.

At first, I felt anger toward her. Now, I kind of feel sadness for her. Sort of like watching a lost soul wandering, I know, I have been there. I know it sounds silly, but this was the first time I have ever had that kind of emotional connection to someone.

Maybe it was partly my fault. I have this reputation for machine-like resilience. When my father died, i did not take any time from work to grieve, only to go and take care of the legal arraignments, etc. I don’t show many emotions of sadness, joy, etc. If you were to look at my face, you would nearly always see a similar expression. Hostility toward the opposition would probably come the closest to being the emotion showed. I have had people say that I never smile, not sure if I am even capable of it. Usually wear a grave expression uniformly.

As I am typing this, sitting and listening to Shostakovich’s Fifth Symphony by the Bavarian Radio Symphony. Seemingly fitting piece full of tortured angst and pathos.

So, at the end of the day, back to being where I was and figuring out how to get my house back to myself.

Amazing how one series of interactions with one person can elicit such a range of emotions and feelings. Sometimes wonder if I would have been better off just putting up with the dull pain of loneliness that I am now back to.

Thank you Anita, that means a lot. I truly love this woman, that is the only conclusion I can come to. Never before have I felt this way.

For this to work is my greatest goal/interest that I have at the moment. I appreciate the support.

Working on being less intense and being softer. Folks have noticed. Sigh that it took 38 years but, better late than never.