@Sammy1 thank you for your reply.

It seems my cat is ok now. I really appreciate your understanding. It was more a false alarm I guess, but just the thought of losing him now crushed me. Of course I realize he’s not going to live forever and I did lose pets already, sadly. But he meant a lot for me last monts, and sincerely, I think it would broke me if I lose him too during this hard times for me. I really don’t know how would I handle another loss now.

I don’t think I have clinic or really bad depression.. But I guess I may have a mild one. I’m usually not a very positive person. For example, when I have a break up, I don’t think I will find someone better for me, but I tend to think I will never find someone I will like that much. I payed a psychotherapist last fall, and I spent a lot money on few sessions and wasn’t satisfied, and recently I had to buy a car so I can’t afford that again now.

Actually the way you describe your experience reminds me how I felt with my last boyfriend. I had a boyfriend before that, who was not treating me very well at the end. He was my first, and all my “firsts” were with him. And then, after also a few interests that didn’t work out (guys would fall for me, then retreat), I met my last boyfriend. And this did happen: “you realise everyone else stops mattering, your past automatically disappears. Your exes will not even cross your mind.” I met him and I forgot all my past, my exes in one night. I fall hard for him. I liked him much more than anyone else, and I was so happy and couldn’t believe how happy I am.

And yes, he was just my type in terms of looks. Not because he looks like a model, he doesn’t, but I thought he was made the way that is percfect for me and he was so funny and kind and I was so relaxed talking with him, and he made me laugh a lot. Some people tell me now it was just looks, but I know it wasn’t. He just seemed right. And he was really treating me so good and was thoughtful and kind and gentle at first (first year and a half), and I couldn’t believe that after last years with my first boyfriend.

I think I had closure, because I know he is young and not ready for the things I want. Also, I don’t think his reaction when he realized those difference after our talk was the best, instead of being honest and telling me that, he used the last months to get appart from me emotionally and then he broke up, and that was not fair to me. But I know what happened, I had closure. I just haven’t managed to found anyone else that I felt the same spark for later and that’s why I’m afaid I’ll have to settle. And I miss that a lot. A few guys that had potential didn’t show interest, and the ones that did, I did not see in that way. (This happens to everyone I guess).

And I want that feeling again. Feeling that I’m with someone who I think is the most wonderful and beautiful in the world (I get that feeling when I fall in love) and whom I would like to show to all of my friends an family because I think he is amazing. And I need for it to bi mutual , of course.

I get that those things take time, but I wanted partner like that since my early 20s at least. I cared for that more than work, money or anything else (and funny, I never had that much problems with anything else). I always prefered being partnered, and I don’t find much advantages in being single. I’m not a person who liked that, ever. And I did expect to have that at least in my mid thirties. Not because of others, I know I have my timeline, but that is my wish, my own, always was., I wanted to live with my boyfriend at least 10 years ago.

And now I’m in middle thirties, I even want kids now, but I’m living with my mom and brother and even don’t have my room. I don’t like my life now. And I can’t change that alone, because things that I want to change depend on having a partner. Yes, I could pay a lot money or renting appartment and living alone but that’s not what I want and  don’t like living alone. I would really like to settle with someone, build a life, have a family… And I don’t want to travel with friends anymore, go out, drink and stuff… I’ve never liked that too much and I had enough. I have a deep wish to settle, and find my person. I also won’t have kids alone. I’m complicated, I know.

I guess I feel a lot like @Shelbyville was describing. Scared of ending up as a lonely spinster.

These days it’t been a bit better, since it’s summer here,  places are opening, so it’s less depressing than it used to be during winter, at least it feels like there are some chances. I did have a nice weekend, went swiming, hang out with a lot of friends, so it was really nice and I am a bit better today.

How are you? How are things with your boyfriend, did oyu have a nice weekend?

I would love to chat and have girly talk with you.

I’d also love to hear news from @Dannydan and @Jay2023.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by Rhaenys.