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October 8, 2018 at 10:09 am #229759
VictoriaParticipantFor the past five years my boyfriend and I have gone through a lot of issues including health, finance and stress with my family. When I first got together with him I was naive to the pain I would feel by parting from my family.
However, I moved out because they were toxic and affecting my mental health, however, my mum in particular didn’t let go so we have had a terbulent relationship the last few years. Although as I am now a little older and wiser I can see that her toxic behaviour for what it is and I have mechanisms to cope with her negative comments and actions that have hurt me.
One key point here is that she has never liked my boyfriend and I have never been a family person, if I want to do something, date someone etc I will do it. However, as I have suffered from physical and mental health issues I have put my guard down and tried to fix things because life is short. Although, despite my best efforts things havent really improved.
I am now finding myself in a position where I do not have my boyfriend in my life anymore (and my hurt is tempting me to back-peddle because I’m scared and lonely), in addition to this my family aren’t really there for me in an emotional sense and I am in a new city and struggling to socialise.
I find that each day things get a little bit better and I was hoping there would be some heartbreak support group or something because I can feel myself at a cross-road, one path leads to depression and the other leads to trying to continue a decent routine so I can study properly (I am currently working towards my Bsc).
My main issue currently, aside from feeling empty and lost, is that I am mourning all the plans we had together and they are plans I still want but it just feels like if I don’t have this “single” period of my life I may look back at 60 and regret it (idk).
Suddenly I have been thrust into a position where I am completely alone. Eventually I will stop wallowing and go to some societies at uni, however, my problem is broader than that.
How do I meet people? How do I trust people? I am unsure if it is the economic climate or brexit atm but I am suddenly feeling like the world is a lot more dangerous than I did five years ago. I feel like as an individual I am a target.
I am rambling at this point and there is a lot more to this than I have stated but essentially, how do I go through life as a lone wolf? I used to love spending time on my own and I didn’t have trust issues but now I am worried to let anyone in.
I hope this makes some kind of sense, anyone else feeling like this or have a similar story to tell?
October 8, 2018 at 1:07 pm #229825
AnonymousGuestDear Victoria:
I would like to read and reply to your thread when I am back to the computer, in about sixteen hours from now. I hope other members will reply to you before I am back.
anita
October 8, 2018 at 1:30 pm #229833VictoriaParticipantThank you 🙂
October 8, 2018 at 3:23 pm #229847
MichelleParticipantYour story makes a lot of sense to me as I’ve always seen myself in the same way. I was always close to my father; had a strained relationship with my mother because of mental illness that she struggles with. About a decade ago, I moved to a new city. At first it felt like an opportunity for me to start a new chapter. But in that same decade, my father passed away somewhat unexpectedly (diagnosed with terminal cancer and died a few months later), major rifts in my extended family occurred and I was in two back-to-back relationships that were toxic (one, downright abusive both physically and emotionally). All of these things combined have led to a “new me”. One who is, as you state, not very trusting of people, has few real friends, and feels the world is much darker than I realized. I have struggled with this.
“I am now finding myself in a position where I do not have my boyfriend in my life anymore (and my hurt is tempting me to back-peddle because I’m scared and lonely), in addition to this my family aren’t really there for me in an emotional sense and I am in a new city and struggling to socialise.”
My first piece of advice would be to not back-peddle. There is a reason your relationship ended. And just because you identify as a “lone wolf” does not mean you will be lonely or literally alone for the rest of your life. You will find your tribe. One way I managed to find community is online through forums such as this. Just the aspect of feeling like you are being listened to and can share a common experience with someone else is powerful. Don’t discredit something like this just because it’s in the virtual world. The people you meet and the conversation you share can build yourself up. Whenever you are feeling lonely or down, I encourage you to reach out.
Journalling might also be a good way for you to get through your thoughts/feelings and reflect on them. I have been doing this for ten years as well and going to back to read about my growth has aided my self-esteem.
“How do I meet people? How do I trust people? I am unsure if it is the economic climate or brexit atm but I am suddenly feeling like the world is a lot more dangerous than I did five years ago. I feel like as an individual I am a target.”
In my situation, it’s cliché but I started taking up new hobbies such as salsa dancing. At a class, I met my current boyfriend. We’ve been together for three years and he has been a tremendous influence on my life for the positive. I opened up to him slowly … but only after I became comfortable with myself. I feel you might have to do this. It sounds like you need to build up your self-esteem. See if there are some meet-up groups in your area or classes that might interest you and see if you can socialize through that—at your own pace. Heed your intuitions with people. Don’t ignore red flags. You will eventually start filtering out bad seeds and making real-world relationships like the ones you have online. Through that just continue to build your self-esteem.
Even though it seems harder to mine, I feel like there still is some good in the world. Turn off the news (or take extended breaks from it). Focus on happiness, whether that be puppies or a simple appreciation of a rainbow. And remember that all things pass eventually.
October 9, 2018 at 7:01 am #229951AnonymousGuestDear Victoria:
I read your post here and your replies in another thread but didn’t locate anywhere the reason you broke up with your boyfriend and I am left guessing based on some things you shared.
In addition to that, there are things in your share here on your thread that I don’t understand:
1. “I have mechanisms to cope with her (your mother’s) negative comments and actions that have hurt me”- reads like a done deal, that is, no more problems with your mother, mechanisms have been installed, issues solved. Is that it?
2. “I put my guard down and tried to fix things because life is short”- fix what?
3. “I didn’t have trust issues but now I am worried to let anyone in”- do you mean that you didn’t have trust issues within your toxic family, in the home where you grew up (“I moved out because they were toxic”).
I hope you answer; I would like to understand better.
anita
October 9, 2018 at 2:35 pm #230041VictoriaParticipantHi Michelle,
Thank you ever so much for your reply. I felt happy reading it as it seems as though you put your heart and soul into your kind words. I have recently got back into journal-ling again, and it has definitely help and I used to watch the news everyday and currently I have only watched it twice in two weeks because every time I turn it on I end up rolling my eyes at the British politics then turning it off.
Today I challenged myself to talk to a new person in my uni course, I always feel like I am inviting myself into conversations I was never a part of but I don’t understand how else I am meant to start a conversation. It went well and we had a brief discussion about the ethics behind building software etc. Anyway, after that even though my brain started to overthink the conversation I felt happier. In addition to this I nearly invited some people round to mine for a movie night but I stopped myself, that may be a task for tomorrow or the next time I see them. I agree with your point about opening up slowly and I will definately look into going to a new class (and sticking to it).
I’m sorry to hear that you found yourself in two abusive relationships and about your father passing (sending hugs), but I am happy to hear that you are in a supportive relationship now and I hope it is wonderful (:
Thank you for telling me that I will find “my tribe” as it were, I really needed to hear that right now (: I am realising that a lot of my issues are to do with my childhood and that I am going through a process to address any issues so I can move forward rather than spending a lot of time looking back at the past.
Puppies are adorable, I will definately look at cute photos of them instead of looking up news articles about how plastic is destroying our planet (home).
Thank you xx
October 9, 2018 at 3:03 pm #230049VictoriaParticipantHi Anita,
I broke up with my boyfriend back in March and then I went back to the relationship after a few hours because I had made a terrible mistake. Over the summer I moved back in with him and I had hopes that we would reconnect as I had felt like there had been emotional distance.
One aspect that had affected our relationship was I opted for us to have an “open relationship” which was a bad move as I was doing it to prove things were “real” and I think it was my way of testing any doubts I may have been having about the relationship. I ended up sleeping with someone else and instead of feeling liberated in our modern society I felt sick and like I had cheated on him because as well as sleeping with this guy I had also caught feelings.
Last Summer as a couple we had an incident where I had a bad drug trip that turned into me screaming at him in paranoia that I didn’t trust him. This lead me to have serve panic for about 9 months and I felt overwhelmed, basically a lot of negative feelings. It was what tipped the boat and it niggled at me why I had told him that I didnt trust him. The irony of that situation is that he w kept me safe and made sure I was ok.
We met online and due to our age gap my mum in particular disliked our relationship. At first I didn’t care but when things got real and we faced hardship (me being unemployed etc) my parents didnt help me out and in my mind I felt very abandoned by them and felt like they were trying to punish me.
My mum has been emotionally abusive from me being age 11/12 , however, I have so much empathy I understand why she acts the way she does and so I have put up with her craziness over the last five years (even though she has tried to get my boyfriend fired from his job, turn his family against him etc) I still tried to please her because part of me thought “oh she’s older there must be some truth in what shes saying” and even though she may make me feel like crap she’s still my mum. Since breaking up with my boyfriend I have found out that any issues shes had with how I dress, who Im friends with/date, my weight etc have all been her issues and this has lead me to feel like a fool, why did I take it so personally?!
Answers to your questions
1. “I have mechanisms to cope with her (your mother’s) negative comments and actions that have hurt me”- reads like a done deal, that is, no more problems with your mother, mechanisms have been installed, issues solved. Is that it?
A: My mum has criticised my weight and appearance in a conflicting fashion. One minute she will say I’m fat then the next minute tell me I’m beautiful. I put one stone on due to medical reasons and she made such a big deal about it, then when I challenge her about it and try to explain that it really affected me she denies it.
So she has gaslighted me a lot, verbally abused me.
The last straw (is a bit of a blur in my memory) but she got so mad that I was going back to my boyfriend/had been talking to him that she pushed me against a cupboard in my room. – so to me that shows that even if I trust someone so much they can turn instantly and hurt me (I think this is why I have ran away (literally, back to uni) and emotionally from a loving relationship in case I end up in a situation where I upset someone/do something they disapprove of that they would physically attack me.
So basically, its taken me years to even refer to my mum as “toxic” because I understand why she is the way she is (most likely issues from her upbringing/past, how others have treated her) and so when I see her I make sure that after I tell myself things that contradict her statements (e.g if she has commented on my weight I will tell myself I am an average weight for my size, I could be slimmer but the main point is that I am alive and it is a work in progress.)
2. “I put my guard down and tried to fix things because life is short”- fix what?
A: his summer I tried to get us to have an active sex life again / I tried to relax more, but life got in the way and my head wouldn’t stop with the fixating thought that I had to get out of the relationship .
3. “I didn’t have trust issues but now I am worried to let anyone in”- do you mean that you didn’t have trust issues within your toxic family, in the home where you grew up (“I moved out because they were toxic”).
A: I think a lot of this has been answered above. However I will add that as I got older my parents treated me like a child rather than trusting me. They would often let my older brother fix the printer because I wouldnt know how to do it and I often felt like my points arent listened to.
After moving out there have been major trust issues. I moved out in a “runaway” fashion because it was the only way I knew how to. However, I apologised for the hurt I caused (which my mum denies!!) and that it was a mistake but at 18 I knew they wouldnt accept my choice of boyfriend and it was my only option at the time. However, my mum calls me a liar, even though aside from that one action I have been honest with her.
I now feel like my mum has won yet I have come to realise that she is a lost cause. I can go blue in the face and do a psychology presentation on why I fell in love with the man but she will still refuse to accept it. I have NEVER wanted her to accept it, just at the very least respect my decision. My dad for example has asked about my boyfriend and I know that he doesn’t like him either, but it means a lot that he may at least try.
Today has been a better day in terms of I felt like I am capable of being my own person as it were, however, I also came to the sad realisation that I may have just thrown away something that caused me so much happiness to self-sabotage (maybe because I dont feel like I deserve happiness?) and I am wondering if it is possible to even fix it?
I hope I have helped give more information.
Thank you for replying and asking more indepth questions (:
October 10, 2018 at 9:21 am #230177AnonymousGuestDear Victoria:
You are welcome and I appreciate your thorough answers to my questions. I will quote from your shares, beginning with your original post and add my comments to the various quotes.
“How do I trust people?”- by figuring who you shouldn’t trust. You shouldn’t trust your mother. This will clear your vision of who you should trust.
“I have so much empathy..” – we children of any age have empathy to parents who don’t have empathy for us.
“..I understand why she acts the way she does”- there is always a reason to why people act the way they do, including why a serial murderer or a war criminal did what they did.
“.. and so I have put up with her craziness over the past five years”- this is a mistake. For the same reason a to-be-victim of a criminal should not put up with being the next victim. Let’s say the criminal attends therapy, the therapist, in the context of therapy (and not in danger of being a victim) should be empathetic to the criminal, understand his troubles, his painful childhood, and so on. But a potential victim should not exercise that empathy because it leads to victimization.
In your case, you were already a victim and empathy for your mother will lead to further victimization. Putting up with abuse is the wrong choice.. for as long as you do have a choice (a child does not have that choice, unfortunately).
“oh she’s older there must be some truth in what she’s saying”- even a broken clock is true twice every 24-hour period. Everyone sometimes speaks the truth.
“even though she may make me feel like crap she’s still my mum”- her position as a mother does not give her the right to abuse you. It used to be legal for parents to kill their children, then it became illegal. It is now legal for parents to verbally abuse their children. Maybe one day that will be illegal. It is definitely not right or just to do that.
“I have found out any issues she’s had with how I dress… have all been her issues.. why did I take it so personally?” – because of her position in your life, being your mother. There is no person more powerful and influential in a child’s life than one own parent, usually the mother. Children take everything the mother says personally.
“One minute she will say I’m fat then the next minute tells me I’m beautiful”- this means you can’t trust what she tells you, offensive or complimentary.
“I put one stone on due to medical reasons and she made such a big deal about it..”- she lacks empathy toward you.
“..then when I challenged her about it and try to explain that it really affected me she denies it”- she is not open to hear you, doesn’t care… no empathy.
“she pushed me against a cupboard in my room”- she is not trustworthy in more than one way. Several significant ways already indicated. If you have a child or children in the future, I hope you don’t leave them alone with her. As a matter of fact, why not avoid being alone with her yourself.
“I apologized for the hurt I caused”- she never apologized to you, has she?
“my mum calls me a liar”- while she denies, while she lies.
Yes, learn who to not trust. That will clear your vision and you will know who you should trust.
anita
October 12, 2018 at 1:16 pm #230563VictoriaParticipantHi Anita,
I apologise about the late reply. I read your reply but I needed time to process it because whilst I read it I ended up tearing up because your reply just made me realise how much I have emotionally endured and I felt like finally someone hasn’t beaten around the bush and made excuses for my mum.
At the same time I felt guilty because even though this is the internet I still feel like I am “trash talking” someone close to me out in public. I feel like because my mum went through a lot to conceive me I have made excuses but then I decided that nature may have meant that it was difficult for her to go through ivf (which I am aware can be traumatic) but that doesnt mean that I should excuse her behaviour (nurture) and your reply allowed me to allow myself to feel angry and hurt, but then because everything you said rang true and almost was stating the obvious I have been able to come to peace or at least accept/not be a scared living for me.
I went out last night and because of your advise I allowed myself to trust in addition to realising who I couldn’t trust and it felt freeing. I felt like I gained some control. Even though I am still unsure how to know who not to trust etc I am just following my gut instinct and also going on someones actions. I find that at times I have made the mistake of listening to someones words and ignore their actions.
I talked to my ex and got everything off my chest to him about aspects of the relationship, or one main aspect that I was not happy with in a kind manner. I did not want him to feel attacked and I think we both walked away happier. I have told him I wont be in touch because he needs time to heal, but I felt like knowing that I had/have a problem with a certain aspect of our relationship will aid his healing because hes a logical individual so the more info he has about a situation his brain can process an event better and start to heal.
I hope you have had a good day (:
October 13, 2018 at 7:56 am #230683AnonymousGuestDear Victoria:
I can relate to your guilt regarding .. saying the truth about your mother. My mother too had a difficult time giving birth to me, I was a bridge baby, legs first, she was cut to allow that birth, no anesthesia. And then there were other stories, and I felt so much guilt. But the truth needs to be told regardless of that feeling of guilt, a feeling that has no basis in reality.
Your mother went through a lot to conceive you because she wanted to have a baby. That had nothing to do with you, nothing personal. Once she had you then it became personal and she should have been good to you!
You have a right for your hurt and anger, these are valid. Adhere to the truth of your story and like the saying goes, the truth will set you free, eventually… free from guilt and fear and confusion.
anita
October 13, 2018 at 10:06 am #230717VictoriaParticipantHi Anita,
Sorry I just checked this thread. Thank you for replying (: It’s amazing how much we put up with and that it can become the norm just because no one tells you that you shouldn’t be putting up with x, y or z.
In real life my mum doesn’t know where I live which gives me security because at my last place she would turn up out of the blue if I hadn’t responded to a message and even though I told her I know that she turned up because of worry but it made me feel like I couldn’t leave the house which caused me to retreat from living essentially for a few days until I felt like I could leave without being confronted about something. It’s one of the reasons why I am happy that my phone is broken because it gives me space. However, I will need to get it fixed at some point for safety reasons.
Currently, the only way we are in contact is via email which gives us distance and I don’t have to have conversations where she quite frankly tells me the most patronising stuff and I just feel like shes nagging.
Thank you for replying, you really have impacted my week for the better (:
October 13, 2018 at 11:15 am #230741AnonymousGuestDear Victoria:
You are welcome and I am glad your weekend is a bit better. Yes, it is amazing how much we put up with not knowing we don’t have to. I suppose you don’t have to live in fear of your mother contacting you once you fix the phone, or her coming to your place if she knows where you live.
I am not very focused and need to get away from the computer soon, after answering quickly another post or two. I will be back to the computer in about sixteen hours. Post anytime you’d like and I will reply when I am back.
anita
October 14, 2018 at 10:05 am #230919
ElsaParticipantI have been in your shoes and I can relate to you. My family was very caring and loving, or so I thought until my parents died. My parents had been loving to each other, loving and caring to family members. Everybody flocked to my home, to my parents, to solve their own problems. My parents gave advice, paid for trips, my dad who was a cardiologist was the guru and wise peson in our family. My mother, a great musician helped in charity functions, helped with advice, knitted, sew and did many things for others. Both were very involved with the community, family and friends. Once they died, no one of these people stood up for me. No one visited, people I thought they were my friends disappeared. Others, thinking about my inheritance wanted my money support. Many people expected me to send them money when they didn’t attend my parents funeral or visited me afterwards. All these people and family left me alone. Even my own sister. Therefore, I have been reading about, thinking all this time my parents were used and I was used too. I decided to break family ties. People I thought were my friends, aren’t happy I am rich. They are jealous and envious. I am involved in charity for the elderly and children. But my ex friends do not know this. I an generous and honest. But life taught me that the world only wants to use me and I can allow this. Of all my hundreds of friends in the past, I have ONE who loves me for what I am, has been there for me, doesn’t care about my money, cares about me. So, my husband and I have each other. And one friend. Reaching out to people doesn’t work out when I bring them home and they see all my comforts. We worked very hard to have a roof, food to eat and furniture. And cars to roam about. We are simple, try to help others. But the world is angry at us, because we have our inheritances. We feel lonely. Our friends have abandoned us. And this is a bitter pill to swallow. Why?
October 14, 2018 at 4:07 pm #230975VictoriaParticipantWell things took a turn for the worst. I would go into detail but to some degree the detail does not matter as my issue is that when I think about possibly trying things again I get scared that I will trust him and he’ll turn and attempt to murder me out of rage that I hurt him so.
I am aware this is ridiculous but its a reoccurring issue with him? If I could get past that it would be ok, idk I feel like I’m not happy and having him in my life makes me happy.
I think its cause i met him online so really part of me questions if I really know him, but how well do we really know anyone?!
I dont get why he wants me in his life when I feel like I’m becoming toxic (jelousy etc), and his reply was “because I love you”, how can I doubt that? Why cant we just fall back in love again?
I’ve hurt every guy I’ve ever been with, Ive broken all their hearts as soon as its got serious :/
One thing that was bugging me was that I didnt feel safe with my ex on a night because I criticised his physical fitness, idek
I could hear the pain in his voice 🙁 I am currently torn do I walk away for better or worse , or do I try again better or for worse?
We are so compatible, this is devastating!
October 15, 2018 at 8:16 am #231115AnonymousGuestDear Victoria:
You wrote regarding your ex boyfriend, “I get scared that I will trust him and he’ll turn and attempt to murder me out of rage that I hurt him so”.
Did he ever exhibit aggression toward you?
If not, I am thinking you are projecting your mother into him, that you are afraid and have been afraid of her for way too long, that she is the one who turned against you unexpectedly, you trusted her, and she turned against you aggressively.
anita
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