Dear Tee:

Thank you for letting me know about your health and feelings about it 🙏 🫶 🤍 🙏

“Not exactly, because I haven’t achieved success in life, at least not material success, so she didn’t say those things to me. But I saw it in various YouTube videos, the experts on narcissism were good at portraying how a covert narcissistic parent would react to their child’s success.”-

Like you, Tee, I would never know for sure how she would have reacted to what I have never achieved (and don’t care to achieve anymore), but I have no doubt that material success wouldn’t have changed her brain structure and chemistry, that is, her personality disorders combo wouldn’t have been dissolved by money and luxury.

“Right, I totally understand that you didn’t thank her in general, for giving you life, but in isolation, for those material things she gave you. But they were always contaminated by guilt-tripping, and it’s hard to be grateful for a poison-laced cake..”-

Exactly, totally true. Cake, delicious food, toys.. in isolation would have brought me joy, but in real-life, they brought me guilt, a depressing sense of being indebted to her, trapped, unable to be free (until such time that I paid her for all the money that she spent on me since I was born, plus interest and lots of extra. So, no, I withdrew my gratitude for these “gifts”. They were definitely not freely given. There was an invisible but real price tag attached to each and every “gift”.

“As for being grateful for being born, there are spiritual teachings that claim that we (our soul) actually choose our parents. Because we need to learn certain lessons. I’m not opposed to this theory, because for me it’s easier to think that in the big scheme of things, I’m not a victim, even if I’ve experienced abuse. Of course, it doesn’t exculpate our parents from bad parenting, but it helps me see everything that’s happening as somehow necessary for my soul’s growth.”-

I respect your beliefs, Tee. I am a witness and a benefactor of your soul’s growth since your very first post in the forums 🙏

“But I also understand that some forms of abuse are just too much, and I have a hard time accepting that it would be necessary for anyone’s growth. So yeah, it’s a mystery to me, but I find it easier to believe that I’m not a victim because it helps me not to get stuck in the victim mentality and actually do something to help myself..”-

Please do everything possible to help yourself!

“That’s great that you can have an honest conversation with someone at the taproom! I guess it feels good to feel understood and validated..”- Yes, it was, an empathetic woman. That was the most I shared about the mother in real-life. I hardly ever share anything about my childhood IRL.

“Okay, so you’re not on speaking terms at the moment? Or just the perfunctory greeting, but nothing more than that?”- I friendly with him, just not as friendly as before (I was super friendly and supportive before). And in turn, I think that he isn’t as friendly as he was before.. but still, quite friendly. I don’t really know what he’s thinking. There’s guessing/ assuming on my part, don’t have any confirmation.

“Yes, you did say that the winery felt like home to you. Working there gave you fulfillment and meaning, I guess it met some of your core emotional needs? You said wine helped you talk (and dance)- so as you socialized with people in the winery, over a glass of wine, you felt free to express yourself and less afraid of their judgment – something you never had with your mother?”-

Right. Her judgmental nature did so much judging of everyone. And of me, of course. So, as a result I shrunk myself, denied myself, suppressed my emotions on a regular basis, became as much of a non-entity as I could. Less of me = Less to judge. And that became a habit when away from her as well.

“haha, thank you, Anita! 🙂 Actually, for the longest time, I had a problem understanding the Buddhist concept of non-attachment… I think attachment is the cause of suffering if it is unhealthy – if it means clinging to something that cannot be, or to ego-driven goals. But it’s not unhealthy to be in a loving relationship, which is actually based on a healthy (i.e. secure) attachment. So I think attachment is not always unhealthy, but clinging and grasping is.”-

You are welcome! There’s a tendency in religious communities, just like anywhere else, to take things to extremes. Balance and nuance are essential to correct understanding, and you practice both so well. I am getting better at it myself 🙂

🙏 🫶 🤍 🙏 Anita