March 3, 2016 at 10:43 am #97895
i used to dream about being famous. at first i wanted to be REALLY famous and then i just wanted to be famous enough to just do what i want and be friends with the people i admire. the thing was – in my dreams, i was never really me. i always looked different – way prettier, way skinnier, all those things. and it really sucked the life out of me because that was something i definitely KNEW i couldn’t change. and then i used to imagine what life would be like if different celebrities were my parents instead of my own. sometimes i still wonder, but not as much as i used to. i think i’d rather just be me. now although i do daydream about acting now lately, i don’t so much think about the fame part. just the part where i’m happy and doing something i enjoy. it’d be nice to have people as your fans and all, that might be the most flattering part, or even better – being able to meet some of your favorite celebrities and all, but once you really think about it, is that a life all people can handle? especially timid people like us? i have this thing (which is clearing up for the most part i believe) where i feel people are watching me or trying to hurt or steal from me so i don’t know if that dream can ever be a reality. if i didn’t let that bother me, i’d probably be an artist by now.
yes! we really do try and shun out our bad feelings, but what do you think about fear vs. true intuition? how do you think we discern that? how do we know how to interpret what is given to us through these feelings?March 3, 2016 at 11:02 am #97898
There is so much in your last post. I will respond to only a few things but I want to attend to everything over time.
Your art: you fear that if you produce a certain painting, something genius, authentic, something from deep within you, that it will be stolen from you, taken from you. You feel that you have something very special in you, a certain power, a certain knowledge, some talent, something special but it scares you to let it out because others may take it away from you.
It makes me think of a child doing a drawing in school and pridefully march to a parent: “Look mommy, look what I made!”
Do you know that kind of pride? The child, young child… she doesn’t know yet that someone is going to “rain on her parade” big time. She doesn’t know yet! She really thinks she is great (and she is!)- but she doesn’t know about the serious blow she is about to get.
She doesn’t know yet. She doesn’t expect it. So, unprotected, sure of her own genius, her own magic, masterpiece, she marches with the drawing to her mother: “Look What I Made!”
And she stands there if front of her mother, with the drawing in hand, absolutely sure her mother will be just as fascinated by the genius of it, the magic in it, that special thing in it… a smile on her face, expecting nothing but the same wonder on her mother’s face.
Her mother takes the drawing, looks at it and puts it down, resuming drinking her coffee. The little girl is still standing there, not understanding. Still waiting. “Something is wrong” she is thinking. So she is still waiting. And the mother looks at her and says in an angry voice: “What are you doing standing there! Take your butt to the bathroom, and wash your face, it is dirty! And take that stupid smile off your face!”
The little girl is stunned: stupid smile? “That is a stupid smile on my face. There is no wonder in my drawing. I am stupid.”
And she goes to the bathroom and washes her face. “Dirty face” she says to herself as she looks in the mirror. “Stupid girl” And so that special moment was taken away from her and the blow is as painful as can be. It hurts and she remembers it.
So when she draws again, days later, when the pain is not as intense, she still likes to draw but she is afraid. As she gets excited about her drawing, she remembers the pain and she is scared. “I better not draw..” she tells herself. “I better not show it to anyone…if I do, they will steal it from me (steal this joy, this hope that indeed there is something special and wonderful and magical about the drawing).
What do you think about my story here? Can you relate?
anitaMarch 3, 2016 at 12:00 pm #97900
that art part is definitely right! that’s a half of my worry, people bashing me and my art. but me especially because i feel my art is a part of me. it defines me. the story was a perfect analogy too it made how i feel much clearer and easier to see and understand. my other concern with it is people taking from me and copying me and or taking from me, but doing what i do better than me. i absolutely hate that. that someone can play a better version of me or they’ll end up showing me how i should be doing something or how what they are doing is better than me. anything i write, draw, paint, film, is a big part of me and i take it all seriously. every little bit. every little thing i do. anything i can hold on to just to say “i made this. this is me. i have an identity that maybe no one can really see, but this is me.”March 3, 2016 at 12:13 pm #97903
What you wrote above is beautiful, absolutely beautiful. It made me go “Wow!
You wrote that “anything i write, draw, paint, film, is a big part of me and i take it all seriously. every little bit. every little thing i do.anything i can hold on to just to say “i made this. this is me…”
What you wrote, that I quoted above, this is you in my story, showing your drawing, “this is me!”
And when the drawing is compared to others’ drawings or criticized (you are told how to…improve), then the person doing that is taking YOU away from you.
I understand your fear and anger about this being done. My goodness, you put it so clearly. I can’t think of a better way to put it.
I will tell you this: i take you seriously. I will not tell you how to improve. I value YOU. I do not and will not compare you to anyone else. After all, this can’t be done: there is only one Wisdom. It is unrealistic to compare… to suggest improvements.
Skill can be learned, knowledge can be acquired, but WHO Wisdom is, the wonder and magic and creativity that define you, that cannot be learned or acquired. It is yours!
anitaMarch 3, 2016 at 12:25 pm #97905
thank you anita! thank you for everything you said and for taking me seriously. it’s just hard to stop comparison. especially when you even battle youself. do you ever find yourself going, “i was skinnier then, i have to be that skinny again. OR BETTER!” or “what was it that made people want to be friends with me then, i have to be that way again and feel the same way i did then to make friends again.” because it happens all the time for me. the comparison to other people, i think that could take as long as me learning to love myself.March 3, 2016 at 1:07 pm #97906
and i feel a little down. what do you think is something i can do to feel better about myself? what can i do to just feel…adequate? i feel like i’m not so good enough for some reason and i just want to be happier. is there anything that you do to help (if you ever have these feelings)?March 3, 2016 at 3:11 pm #97910
Of course I have these feelings that you described in the last two posts and in previous posts. We do have a lot in common. I wish there was a fast and easy way to feel better. The path of healing is long and requires patience. It requires a lot of patience and … faith that you are indeed walking that healing path, that path leading to mental health, mental well being.
Comparing yourself to others and to yourself when you were skinnier, of course I can relate. Only yesterday I saw a photo of myself when I was skinnier and I felt badly! But then I remembered myself at the time that photo was taken. Although I was skinnier, I was in a bad shape otherwise. I remember that. And I am not overweight now. I am just not as skinny.
We get these ideas in mind: if we were only skinnier and if only we knew how to play the piano, then everything would be all right. But this is not true. When I was skinny I was not all right. And there are plenty of people who can play the piano that .. are not all right.
There is a way for you, Wisdom, to feel adequate. You are adequate as you are, right now. You just don’t know it. Sometimes you know it but you don’t trust it. Make it a goal to know what is true.
The mirror exercise: talk to yourself. Get to know yourself as the worthy, adequate person that you are.
The assignment of the day, another mirror exercise or maybe a drawing, like you were a little girl.. communicate with that little girl in you? Let her talk to you..?
I am not sure. i don’t know what exercise would be right for you now. Maybe you can come up with one, experiment with it, see if it works, do something else if it doesn’t work. Please do let me know.
There is fear that comes with hope. Don’t let that fear take you down. Relax, calm yourself, distract yourself when you are overwhelmed (in non destructive ways)- watch TV, something like that… take a walk. Hot bath.
There is a way to feel adequate, only it is a long way. You are 19. If the way takes five years, you will be in good shape when you are 24. This is worth it. Start small, have faith. Keep posting and remember, please: just because it is not simple or fast, does not mean there is no way. It is just not… a simple or fast way.
anitaMarch 3, 2016 at 3:41 pm #97916
yeah, the mirror exercise might help a lot for today and i’ll definitely think of other ways i could make myself feel better. once you’re stuck in a rut you forget what makes you feel good.
i’m glad you looked at your situation in a more positive light than a damaging one anita! about not being as skinny as you were in the photo. and i doubt you’ll ever be overweight because you always exercise by walking which is great!
patience takes such a long time. i almost feel like i’ve been waiting forever for a lot of things, but some of the things i’m looking forward to i’m willing to wait for. it’s just the uncertainty that hangs in between that makes everything weird. i wonder why god lets that happen. why he allows it. don’t you think that we can be thrown a bit off track by these things?
and to raise a question about the universe again: do you think our anxieties get recorded by the universe? because the thought of that gives me anxiety. which causes a big mental and emotional problem.March 3, 2016 at 8:51 pm #97925
Practicing patience while working on our healing is different than practicing patience while waiting to be healed by a force outside ourselves, without our participation, without taking action ourselves! Patiently waiting while being passive is unwise.
So patience AND action. Action and Patience.
I don’t know what it means, the universe recording our anxieties: how? You mean like a god recording what we do, good and bad for the … day of reckoning…?
I don’t believe in any such recordings. Nobody takes notes. Nobody records nothing… except people recording the weather and the news, history, stuff like that.. and grades in school. Let me know more of what you mean by the universe recording our anxieties. I’d like to know what you mean.
I was out for a while. Don’t know if you will be back online tonight… If you are, did you do the assignment of the day. Perhaps a mirror exercise like the other evening? Saying loving, comforting things to yourself, calming yourself, talking to yourself gently, kindly …?
anitaMarch 4, 2016 at 2:25 am #97975
since the universe knows how we think, do you think it takes our anxieties into account? that’s what i meant. cause everybody says the universe gives us what we want, but then they tell us to be careful of how we feel. so does that mean it gives us what we think?
and i was actually so tired i forgot! but since i’m up now and it’s 5am i’ll do it now.March 4, 2016 at 8:45 am #97987
You are up early. Did you sleep at all???
And did you do the mirror exercise at 5 AM?
The universe is all the planets and stars and all things that exist, from sub atomic particles to stars, mass and energy. A whole lot of mass and energy. The universe is what exists. It is not a god that knows what we think. There is nobody up there or out there knowing or caring to know what we think and what we feel.
Nobody knows, Wisdom, what you think or feel out there.
When you type here on this thread and tell me, then I know what I read. What you speak and write … and draw, that is actually communicate by action (to talk, to type, to draw, to paint, to make..) is what PEOPLE who hear you, who read what you write, who see your drawing etc. and care to hear, read, see… these people know something about what you think and feel.
No one else out there looking down at Wisdom or at me… and knowing what we think. Or feel.
anitaMarch 4, 2016 at 12:05 pm #98003
so god would be totally separate from the stars – i think that would make sense in a big bang way. i did the exercise mainly in my mind, i got maybe 4 or 6 hours of sleep, it was hard for me to get out of bed. all i was thinking to get up was “okay i’ll get up now…okay now!” haha but i affirmed in my mind. i think that now since i wake up a little earlier than usual for my math class, my body has a new kind of rhythm. the universe though is really such a complicated thing, but people make it seem like a wary thing with all the “you better make sure you put that positive energy out so you won’t be fucked up”. it’s nervewracking. that i have to watch for things like that just for my life to be in order in the future. it’s bad enough that i’m running away from things to stop from feeling watched and all that. now it’s up to me to be happy every single moment to manifest things i want. according to what people say about it anyway.
(i’m gonna do my exercise in the mirror today by the way. i also made anoter acquaintance at school today in the same class as the last.)March 4, 2016 at 1:00 pm #98012
I would count the mirror exercise in your mind for yesterday’s assignment and making an acquaintance today as today’s assignment.
Remember we talked about what people say, that a lot of it is baloney? Remember that. When people say “You better make sure you put that positive energy out so you won’t be f-ed up”- this sounds like a threat: you better… as if there is a punishing entity out there. There is no punishing or rewarding entity out there. No such thing. Your choices matter, but not because someone is watching and judging you but because making wise choices, as small as they may be, promotes your mental and physical well being and that is a good aim. You eat well and exercise, that is good for you and not because someone is watching and taking a note: “Wisdom ate well and exercised today, so I will make something good happen in her life.”
No, doesn’t happen like that. You are good to your body and mind, then you experience the consequence of your choices, and the consequence is better health. It is YOU and your CHOICES. Not you, your choices and a mediator godly entity, a Universe, to interfere: it is only you, your choices and the natural consequences of your choices (and the choices other people make and the consequences of their choices as those affect you!)
anitaMarch 4, 2016 at 1:18 pm #98015
i like how that sounds anita, just more rational. and you’re right about the baloney! but i guess since my grandpa was the one who introduced me to the universe and we could never finish talking about it, him teaching me, i left it up to myself to learn and understand it. to be as knowledgable and wise and my grandpa because he’s what i want to be. i just took all of what people said into consideration for a look back at it, but since i don’t know much about it, i suppose other people know more than me. just because i don’t feel that i’m at a specific spiritual level to really understand.March 4, 2016 at 1:30 pm #98017
You have what it takes to figure things out yourself, to figure out what makes sense, what is rational. Seek wisdom in what you see in front of you instead of in imaginary “spiritual level” stuff. Just look around, see for yourself how things work. Try not to be so…spiritual. See with your eyes, hear with your ears… look and learn.
The truth is not… out there. It really is right in front of you!