Thanks again Anita and Pinch Of Attitude for your supportive posts.

I am doing ok. I had to work long hours yesterday and didn’t get home until just over an hour ago. I am still physically sick. My spring allergies always turns into a major cold. Right now I am kinda on my able to deal with my reality moment. Unfortunality it doesn’t last and in a few weeks I will probaly break down again. Something else will happen and it will be too much for me.

Pinch Of Attitude I appreciate you and Anita taking any amount of your time to help me. It has helped. Thank you both for sharing your experiences and I would like to try what has worked for you both. I would like to start on a self inventory. I have the weekend off and will start on that.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Lisa.

I am “not” wholly sure

A correction from the last paragraph.

A recurrent theme in my life is things where the odds were against them happening always seems to happen to me. The only way I can describe it is that it seems I have a poltergeist following me around setting me up in situations that often are distressing for me. I could list numerous examples but I will use my experiences in my several homes over the years. I have experienced every phobia I have in my homes with events and problems that seem to focus on my own specific fears. I don’t even want to describe them right now just that I have experienced way more than common ordinary problems in my homes.

I have even got into trouble for things that seemed to have happened to me. I have never woken up and said “let’s see, what can I do wrong today?” I have even said to people “Just once I would like to get into trouble for something I caused.” I never want to cause trouble though so I am left with it always finding me. I even obsess over not causing trouble. I second guess almost every move I make wondering what or how what I say or do will affect anyone. So I have felt victumized by things that don’t seem like coincidences to me. Those coincidences often target my specific phobias and undermine the only traits of my personality I am proud of.

I lost my friend because I could not forgive what I felt was criticism of me. I felt she had everything else that I couldn’t have and I felt she was responsible for taking away the only things I had to be proud of. I know I am not making this clear but I still feel the unfairness of things I have had to deal with.

I miss my friend but our relationship played out and we were obviously not going down the same road. I am sure she has many friends, is happy and doesn’t need me.

I kinda lost another friend although she hasn’t unfriended me on fb. I still “like” her posts but she ignores mine completely. I don’t feel like going into my story with her. It’s not long or overly dramatic, I just want to move on for the moment.

I have been fired from jobs because of crying. I can’t tell you how often I have cried in my life. I believe I suffer from PMDD. Supplements and herbs help and I have had the same symptoms since I was a teenager. I really don’t want to talk about my problem with this right now. I only brought it up as a possible cause of my becoming almost a different person every month.

I have been fired, I have quit, I have shown up to work with signs saying sorry we’ve closed. I did do work selling books for awhile but I lost that job because of my emotional problems. No employer ever had a problem with my work though except maybe my current one but it could be my perception.

I would like to get into my strange relationship with men. Men have found me attractive but I have always wondered why. It’s complicated. I am pretty much pleased with the way I look but I have been somewhat overweight since I have been an adult. I eat to medicate myself. I wonder if there is any truth to wanting to make yourself unattractive? I had plenty of physical opportunities with men but I never experienced that feeling that I was someone worth fighting for. Like if I didn’t respond to him immediately it was like ok. I never felt any man loved me. I wasn’t special. I wasn’t worth flowers. No man wanted to protect me either. I felt as if I wasn’t even female. I am upsetting myself right now. In fact I feel that men hate me. I was too honest, too opinionated, too independent..I felt/feel different from other women. Like I am here to be alone and be happy for the all the women who are loved. I don’t know how that happened. I was a pretty girl, I was intelligent, I was talented, I was open to being friends with others. All my potential…I feel I have not taken care of my looks, I quit high school to find peace but I was on the honor roll and could have gone to college. I loved books and learning and education is so important to me. I can draw and I love to write but I have no career in either one.

I wanted someone to see me and I actually thought someone did a few years ago but I can talk about him later. I cried for months though after he and I stopped talking mostly initiated by him and then me not wanting to be pushy.

I will post again tomorrow. It shouldn’t take me much longer.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Lisa.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Lisa.

I feel  if someone whom I was attracted to wanted me and actually put in an effort  I would turn into this loving person. I wonder if I would sabotage the relationship the way I unconsciously sabotage my friendships. Relationships of any kind are difficult for me unless it’s in service to someone and that someone never criticizes me. I do have someone like that in my life. She puts up with me being late which I am almost always late. She listens to me and tells me she understands. There is another person and these two people are somewhat authority figures in my life. They never lose their high opinion of me no matter how much I get upset or cry or am late..

I am always in survival mode with little bursts of ambition that fizzle out and then I just remain in survival mode. I have always wanted to be an artist. I have done murals for my family and friend but nothing professional. I took art classes at Community College but didn’t finish my associate’s degree. I earned a certificate in Interior Design and never pursued a job. I wanted to be a journalist and a writer when I was in grade school but everything after grandmother died happened and I went off track of having interests or pursuits.  I wanted to be a teacher but the school I wanted to go to was too expensive. I’ve wanted to be an art therapist, art teacher…later on I actually took classes in real estate and barely graduated only to fail the exams. I can retake the exams but I’m not sure I want to.

In recent years I have thought of being a writer and illustrator but I am so tired from my job. So stressed. I can not make these things happen. All the while I am dreaming of myself in some alternate universe in a relationship with a man and I am sometimes dealing with worse problems that I actually do in my real life. The only difference is I am not alone.

For most of the 90’s it was just me and my dog with passing chances with men. I could get initial attention but rarely beyond that. I had two tiring but somewhat fullfling jobs in my life that I spent many years at. I could have moved up but lost both to my mood problems and crying.

I have tried medication, diet, exercise, affirmations, self help tapes, a couple seminars, hypnosis, psychics, gemstones, therapy, therapy, therapy, yoga, outpatient treatment, group therapy, Self help books, books on how to flirt, I have tried even more.

The only thing I haven’t tried is dating for fun. I can’t do that. I have never done that. Friendship is different but a romantic relationship I think something more has to be there than just liking someone. I also hate the idea of rejecting someone even though I have had to do it in a kind of blowing off initial attention towards me.

I feel as if I would know him if he showed up. I felt that way with a man I talked with online a few years back and when he just stopped talking to me I was devastated. I am not pushy and would wait for him to talk to me. It got to the point that I had to always be the one to start conversations. I still miss him. He definately was someone I was looking for. He was intelligent, funny, sensitive but strong, thoughtful, cared about the environment, politics, what was going on in the world, extraverted, critical when he felt it was needed, caring about people, caring about animals, I know I said funny but he was often funny in a very subtle way that I loved, handsome.

I didn’t grow up around many guys who had these traits at least I didn’t notice any. The guys I grew up around were very critical but not constructively critical. They often seemed to have narrow interests consisting of sports and beer. I have no problem with either, it’s the lack of interest in any thing else I don’t understand. What is strange is I have discovered along the way that men who were married to my friends did have other interests but you had to delve into a deeper conversation to find those interests.

Well the 90’s consisted of me working at a low paying job and the best thing I did was be a nanny to children.

I lived for the most part in my not so nice apartment with my dog. I worked and spent a lot of time with my best friend who just got married and was starting a family. We were definately not on the same page and she wanted me to have a relationship as well. I met a friend of her husbands who was cute and funny and who seemed to like me but after I said something kinda negative, not about him but other men, he really didn’t pursue any kind of relationship with me. Even when we were alone sleeping on the couches at the beach in my friend’s family house.

So yeah I went out a few times in the 90’s but only with friends watching them have relationships, develop relationships, receive flowers for valentine’s day. Cried a lot.

Around 2000 I had a job that paid well by my experience anyway but was very difficult and badically more of same as far as my relationship with my co workers go.Oh I had a job just before this one and after the one I had a long time in the 90’s. Here is a good example of a consistant theme in my life. I was working at a department store with the naive notion that this could be fun. I was put into one department that I loved but stocking was something I was not very good at and I had to do it quickly and I couldn’t. I wanted to clean everything. I also had to tend to the cash register. I was great at the register. Often the department store would have me cover two departments at once and one department required me to go up to the stock room every time someone wanted to make a purchase because they were large items. It often took me away from my first department. This was 1998 so you can imagine how thin workers are being spread today in department stores if you wonder you can’t find someone to help you.

One day the register was short and my register was always on point but there was no explanation for it. Then it happened again and one of the managers looked at me with a glare and walked away like I did something wrong. It was obvious that someone was stealing from the register at that point. They acted like they were sure it was me and even put me in this room with no windows talking to a detective and what did I do? I cried of course. I cried because I was insulted not because I did anything. Apparantly in their world and I guess everyone else’s that means you did something wrong but I felt like a victum. Like I was being punished for doing a good job. There were so many things I was not but I was miss honest and I took this as an insult and just another instance of being treated shabbily by men. The woman who was head cashier believed me when I said I did nothing wrong. I was in there a long time and I mantained I did nothing wrong and vecoming depressed. They had no choice but to leave me back on the floor.

Well they find out on camera the someone who found a way to open the register and I am clearly in the other department at the same time. They simply informed me of this and offered no apology for what they put me through. My immediate manager didn’t think they needed to apologize. Another manager asked me “Did they straigten you out on what happened” so he showed concern. As far as I was concerned the damage was done. I gave them notice and quit. That is just one example of many in my life.

The 00’s were worse than the 90’s as I didn’t have my best friend anymore after an argument in 2002. I lost my dog. I didn’t really have friends to go out with anymore. I had younger roommates and everyone my age had moved on to having families. I spent a lot of time alone. Going out alone. Staying in my room alone. I went to art museums and cafes and bought music and books. I lived at the bookstore. Still searching for ways to have a life. I lost my home that I was renting in a fire a week before my natural mother died. I had to live with my family. So I was not only alone. I had lost my independence.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Lisa.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Lisa.

Pinch of Attitude I am sorry you had a cold. I am glad you are doing better. How am I? I am kinda depressed right now. I am trying to tell my life story and I was feeling better but I research too much about my problem and I feel there is no hope for me and I can’t bear doing things I don’t like on a daily basis when I can not get my own basic needs met.

I am so glad for you that you have a husband like that. Thank you for your advice on relationships although I merely have family that is kinda stuck with me and really no relationships at all anymore. I am truly sad. I don’t know why he hasn’t come along or why he won’t.

Yeah I fight but it’s like I won’t except that I’m losing or lost. Men around me everyday tell me in small ways that I am not worthwhile. I didn’t know what to do then, how in the world am I going to know what to do now?

Writing is all I have. Thank you for the nice things you said and for taking the time to read my thoughts and try to help me. I can not wait for the day when I feel strong enough to help other people. Thank you.

Thank you Anita for liking the way I put things…and thank you for offering to put together my entries and share your thoughts. I really do appreciate it but please do not take on anything too time consuming.

I will try to explain more this morning but very depressed so I might be more emotional than usual and it “might” be short.

Through the 00’s I had a long list of roommates who were all younger than me. Some I got along with very well. Some not at all and some who dismissed me as someone to take advantage of, leaving me with bills etc. A lot of issues happened in the house I was renting. The fire, one of my roommates was assaulted by someone she brought home when she passed out from something she was given. I still don’t know what the full story was. I was woken up by policemen early in the morning but my door to my room was jammed shut by a computer desk given to me that was propped up against the door that night. I just happened to get it that night. I wish I knew what was going on but I was asleep and I heard no noise.

I talked to the detective but I couldn’t tell him much. On a very side note as I am talking about something serious and only because it pertains to what my life problem has been, the detective thought I looked much younger than I actually was. I was about 34-35 at the time. He then said goodbye.  Like I said I am only bringing that up because I am talking about my experience with men. The roomnate thanked me for talking to the detective but I wish I was able to protect her or help her in some way. My survival mind wanted to ask her “What were you thinking bringing home some guy you just met?” My empathetic mind just feels compassion for her and even though they both exist my empathetic mind when it comes to others always comes out more. My survival mind is always there though and I would have not taken that chance.

I can get deep into my thoughts of men but I am afraid of what I might think of them based on my own experiences. Socially I am very liberal but when it comes to personal relationships I am very conservative and even my grandfather said back when I was a teenager that I built a wall around myself. I’m afraid. I have seen wonderful men but they don’t seem to find me. These men often compliment me but they are usually with someone else or go no further than a comiment and then move on.  They find my family and friends.

I will continue later, I am trying to wrap this up. I know in my head that I talk and talk and don’t take action in things that could improve my life but I think my reasons might be rooted in several reasons which is why it’s difficult for me.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Lisa.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Lisa.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Lisa.