Dear Lisa:

You are a fascinating woman, never  met or  communicated with  anyone like you. It takes a  lot of time  and effort for me to understand you, a  process that is still ongoing- after submitting the post to you yesterday, I thought to myself: I don’t  think it gets to the point  of men criticizing Lisa, relationships don’t start before any criticism is expressed (which is different from what I suggested to you in the  post). But then, still thinking to myself, I thought maybe Lisa is imagining men are  criticizing her in their thoughts.

Next, this morning, I read your recent post and I am learning something  new- it  is  not that you are afraid  of men’s criticism of you, be  it expressed  or imagined, it is that you are greatly distressed about  men not caring enough to criticize you, to bother to criticize you!

You wrote regarding men: “I am basically non existent to them and don’t think they would  love or hate  me enough to  have any strong opinion…  In my daydreaming the  men I am involved with are critical of me… the criticism is  constructive. They criticize me to help me. In reality they don’t care. So I have to say in my fantasies I am criticized but  it is  usually because they feel strongly towards me”.

But how would a man care for you if there was no relationship, not even a beginning? Do you mean that no man has fallen in love with you based on the visual of you, just seeing you, a fast beating  of the heart event that would motivate the man to  pursue you? Do you mean that no man has ever  pursued  you at all, didn’t ask you to have  dinner with him or  go to the movies, or take a walk with him in the park, no such thing?

You wrote regarding your experience with your family: “I felt as if  I  was  only cared about because  I existed and  not because  they felt  I was anyone special”- your family members on the  other hand  (unlike  men in your life as a teenager and adult) did have interactions with you, they were there in the same  house but they didn’t recognize you as someone special, instead they saw you as something  that existed, that is all.

“I feel like I  have  to  show inferiority just to be  allowed  to be  in the room and steal the  crumbs off the  floor. Of course I highly resent this and express my frustration so  it’s a no win situation for  me”- I think that this  is true to  your life as a child and now, throughout, correct?

So you have been invisible as  anything  more than  something that existed and you were expected to behave as an inferior, in your childhood home and since?

anita

Dear Lisa:

More bad experiences, it is amazing how many distressing experiences one can have  and still live to tell about them. I mean, this is daily, often multiple times a day. It is so not only  in your case, but in mine as well, that  is, feeling distressed so often, day after day, year after year, and  I too lived to tell about it, right here.

In your recent posts I see the  Lisa who speaks her  mind: No, I didn’t (push the  button)! She  doesn’t submit, she speaks her  mind! But she  also gets exhausted because  that is  what distress does, it  exhausts us.

anita

Dear Lisa:

“why would someone who  is irrational be in the position of authority that they are in?”, you wrote. I would like to read your thoughts  about it when you have the time.

anita

Dear Lisa:

“Oh how I wish I didn’t ‘see’ so much. I would be loved, liked… ‘Living is easy with eyes closed'”-

I learned in my life that there is that when  I see things correctly, then there is more to see. Here is a way to  know  if you see things correctly: if there is still more to see.  If there  is  no more to see, if you think you understand it all, the way it is, case closed, nothing  more to see, then there is something  incorrect in that seeing.

An example in my life: I used  to think that people are trying to hurt me, often, that this is their intent. I still hear that voice in my head warning  me, that  someone  is angry at  me and will take their revenge soon. I was stuck seeing  that  and only that, hoping again and again for something  different, but.. nope, nothing different happened, I saw nothing new.

Until I did. I finally saw that it was my mother who  was angry with me and  it  was she who took her revenge, again and again and  yet, again. And  I saw that  all the people I feared, none  bothered  to punish me, not even close to her passion to punish me  and humiliate  me.

So over time, I realized not everyone  is my mother, that she is only one  person. Sure, there are cruel people out there, but in my personal life, I didn’t encounter one who was cruel to me anywhere close to the extent that she was.

In summary, I saw  my mother in everyone and thought I  saw all there is to see. Now I see people, this  and that individual. I see individuals.

anita

Dear  Lisa:

Yes, I suppose you are correct, there are “some situations where there is no more to see and  seeing a situation correctly”. Sometimes I get caught in the all-or-nothing thinking.

Thank you for the empathy.

What I learned following a very damaging childhood is that when you enter adult  life, with no healing from that damage, is that  as an adult, I came across people who  took advantage  of my lack  of mental  health, using me  because it was possible. And people who didn’t  use me, most if not all (for most  of  my  life), didn’t  want  to have anything to do  with me, not wanting to bother with someone who was  unwell.

And so, my adulthood experiences were not good, nothing that could  help me heal from said damage.

It took so long, decades, before someone thought  of me  as a person of value, beyond the value of using/ taking advantage of  me. It  took decades before anyone decent wanted to  get involved with me, being as  unwell as I was.

Basically, coming  out  of a damaging  childhood, what is open to a person  is … further deterioration. It is a tragic reality. Seems like  it  takes a  miracle.

Regarding your last two lines of your recent post: you come  across clearly to me,  I believe. Add anything you want, if you want  to come  across more clearly though. Your thoughts and feelings are welcomed here, by me.

anita

Dear Lisa:

I sure hope you slept some last night. I wish you weren’t worked up but calm and  peaceful instead. Calm and  peaceful, that would be wonderful for  you.

It is your thoughts that kept you worked  up. I think that you kept  your post vague because you were afraid that the thoughts being typed into the screen will make bad things happen to you, specifically the scenario you fear.

But thoughts in themselves are not dangerous. Thoughts don’t make things happen;  actions make things happen.

Problem is fear and anger travel  in thoughts, so the more you think about a scary scenario, the more fear and/ or anger you feel, getting worked up.

The scenario you feared  last night was that “people will force me to see someone who hurt  me and .. I will be expected to be find and pretend everything is fine”. I suppose a scenario like that already happened in your young life, maybe many times, and the experience got activated in your brain last night.

I remember very well my own experience of years and decades of pretending everything is fine. I never thought I did a good job of it, imagining people can tell what I was thinking and feeling and blamed me for it, thinking little of me, humiliating me in their own minds. I thought people can read my mind, and I felt so very uncomfortable in my own skin.

anita