Whatever comes to mind this Wed night 🌙-

I love you, mother, I always loved you. I did, in my clumsy, unskillful, unwise ways, everything in my power to transform your life from Misery to Happy.

I spent 5 decades in misery myself- because of your misery, seeing 👀 you as the most important (to me) person in the whole wide world 🌐 worthy, more than worthy of the sacrifice of me.

And then, on the 6th decade, I ended contact, trying to bring me, my life into consideration.

And now. I Love you still, always loved you.

Thing is, just as my love for you didn’t reach you for HALF A CENTURY, my love for you having made ZERO difference for you for 50 years, it’s not going to make a difference for you now, at 85.

I will not put myself through yet another “my love makes NO DIFFERENCE” experience with you, my mother.

Goodbye 👋 beloved mother. May love reach you somehow, somewhere, elsewhere.

I don’t blame you because of all the abuse you suffered before I even came into your life.

You have my forgiveness. May peace be with you, and may all my love be there within your heart now and forevermore. Amen.

🤍 Anita

Dear Alessa:

I get it about walking 🐕🚶‍♀️Bogart- wasn’t aware of it all, how to train him to slow down. Silly, I know 😃 – I tried to get the message across to him by saying “slow down”.

Okay, so now I have hope to prevent my shoulders from dislocation- thank you 😊 🙏 , Alessa, Dog Expert!

He speeds up, I STOP ✋️, say NO, he walks slower, I walk along and say “Good boy!”. He speeds up- repeat. I am looking forward to letting you know how it works!

Talking about saying NO, your son feels safe with you, so he says no. I would have never dream of saying no to the mother. She never gave me the option to say Yes or NO, it would have been a privilege.

Being able or allowed to say yes or no would have given me the 3rd dimension, from object to human; from passively to autonomy.

I slept very little last night 🌙 because I thought my tattoo apt was this afternoon and I was afraid. I found out this morning that the apt is for next Thursday and felt a relief.

If you do choose a tattoo. I wonder what it’d be.

I think I get one significant difference between your mother and mine: you say she avoided you a lot, which is why, I imagine, you were able to be an independent child? Mine was always there, physically (unless she was at work), suffocating me with her loud and constant and controlling, yet unattended, unempathetic presence.

No room for me to be independent, not even able to say Yes or No.

What your mother told you, of course, is highly inappropriate. My mother told me and others (in my presence) sexual details about other people’s lives.. highly inappropriate to expose a child to adult content.

It’s encouraging to read that your adopted mother had a tattoo when she was about my age. Maybe I’ll survive it (if I don’t cancel the apt).

Sounds like 👍 you’re doing an excellent job building internal resources, one of which is to comfort yourself. I need to build more of that, self soothing.

I hope 🙏 you are having a good evening. Here it’s just after 10 am, very cold out, a few thin snowflakes appeared for the first time this unusually warm winter. But now the sun is out.

I feel like I just had a talk with a good friend🙏

🤍 Anita

Dear Alessa:

Had 2 walks with Bogart, practicing what you taught me with some good results, but still I need to get better at training him to walk slower because when I say NO ( I also say SLOW), he looks at me like he doesn’t know what I’m referring to, and at least at times, he still pulls.

Right now, I am sitting at the taproom after finding out the apt is TODAY, in 16 minutes. Allowed to have 1 glass of wine 🍷 (not more because alcohol diluted the blood and is bad for tatooing). I hope it happens soon, I don’t like the anticipation.

13 minutes.

🙏 Anita

Dear Thomas:

Well, it never crossed my mind to have a tattoo and I’m about your age.

How it came about? Spending time in the local taproom since 2017, were I felt closer to people than I ever felt, more like a child among children- because the “other children” had tattoos- I wanted to be one of them. To share their interest, to show my approval of them that way.

I didn’t consciously think the above. I am thinking it now because you asked.

Also, the tattoo artist is such a charming, genuinely lovely person whom I’ve known for some time (her tattoo shop is adjacent to the taproom), I wanted to give her business just so to support her. To make her happy.

As to the nature of the tattoo, I shared about it with Alessa most recently. It’s about love, really (you can read about it above, if you care to 😊 )

Also, I see no harm in it. It’s not that I’d be willing to do something harmful or bad just because ‘everyone’s doing it 😆

🎵🤍 Anita

Dear Thomas:

I’m so.. what’re the words.. sincerely appreciative of your reply only about 40 minutes before I’ll be submitting this reply. Thanking me for answering your question, that’s special 🙏

As to what you’d get if you did choose to get a tattoo.. something from deep within your soul. Something real to you, something that’s not waiting for ANYONE’S approval.

Something that’s all you and nothing awaiting or requiring anyone’s approval?

Maybe something like: I did my best even if my best wasn’t good enough for (whomever cares to judge me)?

I’m projecting, accurately or not.

My point is, like I said before, you’re a good person, Thomas. You deserve nothing but peace of mind.

I was at the taproom tonight, 24 hours after getting my first ever tattoo.

Had a 2nd glass of red wine 🍷 and now back home. There’s plastic covering the tattoo, have to keep it on for another 24 hours. Not a problem so far. Could be that the tattoo is only 5 letters, an inch size.

Good night, Thomas. Thank you 😊

🤍 Anita