Anita,

I have been wanting to write you for the last 3 days but things seem like more of a chore.  Things that have happened in the last week or so I feel tired writing about.

I don’t know that I told you but we had our last mediation on Friday.  My ex tried to add a few things via email when we were emailed our final paperwork to sign and return to the mediator. This would have been sometime in the beginning of last week.  I sat down and found that his girlfriend is writing about 90% of his messages on The Wizard app. (an app for divorced parents to communicate)  She is not just updating schedules; she is using passive aggressive tactics with her comments and the messages are really bad. I’ve mostly ignored them.  He was in rare form during the final mediation because I brought this up.  His behavior of putting me down in every possible way as a parents caused the mediator to say some strong comments to him at the end and she was taking up for me. I came home on Friday and slept all afternoon.  I slept a lot on Saturday too.  I do not think a lot was accomplished other than hopefully the nasty messages will stop.  I’m starting to document all of the small things he is doing to not cooperate as a co parent.  I feel very down about my life in general.

I have continued to see Jason.   I basically laugh at myself because this guy lives in a really nice house and has a new car.  I live in a condo and my car squeaks when I drive it.  I have no idea how to be in a healthy relationship.  What else can I do but laugh and keep a distance? After coffee I met him for dinner and it went very well.  He said that he likes me/is interested in me and on Sunday he invited me to run some errands.  This was last week.  We are supposed to get together this week.  I have a feeling that one of his faults is that he talks down to a spouse/girlfriend maybe if he or she gets upset.  That is the only negative thought i have to date.  I did ask him a question he found too serious and said he thought that was too intense for where we were. The question was “what is a negative quality yo have and how has that has effected relationships?)  I never replied because it annoyed me.  I didn’t think the question was that intense and I was sick of talking about superficial things.  I deleted his number and just thought oh well.

He text me the next morning and answered the question.  I was confused because he basically put up a boundary and then retracted it.  He said he was just tired-which i don’t really believe.  I think that he might have been worried he came across too harsh. And possible he is interested in me-even though my car squeaks LOL

Lindsey

Dear Lindsey:

I wish that your ex and his girlfriend cared about not hurting your (and your ex’s) kids by putting their mother down and being passive-aggressive. I am sorry that you felt very down about your life yesterday, when you posted last.

I am surprised that you are still dating Jason following his rude behavior earlier. I think that the question you asked him (“what is a negative quality you have and how has that affected relationships?“) is an excellent question. I think that dating should be about learning about the person you are dating and asking questions like these is the best way to accomplish it. What was his eventual answer?

anita

Dear Lindsey:

But isn’t he the same guy that pointed to the bill at a dinner not long ago and ordered you to pay it.. that was rude, a red flag, isn’t it?

anita

Dear Lindsey:

I feel so much better about it being a different Jason. I do remember that you recently shared about meeting another man, but I don’t think you mentioned his name. I will refresh my memory about the little you shared about the new guy tomorrow morning and reply further. Good night, Lindsey!

anita

Anita,

The approaching holiday has me running around busy.

So not sure where to start.  First I went to Jason’s house for pizza last night and we talked.   he was definitely putting up a boundary not answering via text the negative qualities question I sent him last week.  Because I am not used to anyone putting up a boundary I was annoyed at first. Later on I thought that maybe my ego was bruised or I felt a little embarassed because it was inappropriate?  I’m struggling for the right word.  But he reminded me that was not the first time I did that.  I agree 100% that the question was not appropriate via text.  We spoke of that along with many other things.

To be honest I’m not great with this healthy dating thing so far.  I don’t know how to have appropriate boundaries and I get flustered easily to the point he put his hand on my elbow last night when I was struggling to say what time I should leave.  I think I talk too much.  However, I am  not answering any questions about my divorce and why I got divorced or my relationship with my mom etc. I’m not going to sleep with him anytime soon and I’m proud I did not allow that last night because it probably could have happened.

He got me his favorite book for a Christmas present and I have no idea what I’m doing.  I can’t even keep a schedule together, I forget everything and I have an ancient car that’s always breaking down.  I honestly am not following his feelings LOL.

Lindsey

Dear Lindsey: I wish you and your kids a M E R R Y    C H R I S T M A S !!!

anita

Dear Lindsey:

You are very welcome. Good to read that the kids enjoyed their presents, and I hope that they are enjoying the warmer weather in Florida. I hope the mediation will all be done with by the end of this year!

“I have something to share with you.  I’m going to try and not be graphic because it deals with sex.  I also hope it is ok to talk about it on this forum.  If not just let me know“- I am bracing myself as I continue to read. (I often read and respond to one part of a post before reading the next).

I just read the rest of your post, and it’s perfectly fine to talk about this here, nothing that you wrote was inappropriate and it is an important topic.

So, you and Jason had dinner, after dinner went to his house, sitting on the couch he brought up the topic of contraceptives (and STDs, I am guessing). You told him: “But I don’t want to have sex right now.  Are you going to get annoyed if we don’t have sex in a few weeks?  I have no idea when I will be ready“. He didn’t give you a clear answer, but instead the two of you “were doing some things and he asked repeatedly to take off an item of clothing“, and you said “No“.

– I am assuming that he initiated some sexual play after you told him that you don’t want to have sex right then and there. If my assumption is correct, then it was wrong of him to do so.

A No is a No, for crying out loud, even if the No is whispered!

“I’ve got to have a conversation with him about all this because I was very caught off guard.  I want to have the conversation right now but… this is not a conversation to be had on the phone or via text.  So now I have to wait“- I know that waiting is difficult for you (and I hope you did wait since you posted this) but got to wait to talk to him about this in-person, not in his house and not in your place. By talking about it, I don’t mean that you should compromise your No, so that he will not get annoyed.

Here is what I suggest: when you see him next, on a date, before you tell him anything about your position on the matter, ask him about his position in regard to a woman’s No. Ask him if to him a No means a Maybe, or a Yes. Hear what he says. If you are caught off guard by what he says and don’t know what to say next, don’t say much, go straight home after the date, and tell me what he said, will you?

“Am I overrating? I’m not sure.  I’m disappointed… But isn’t that normal when you have gone out with someone 5 or 6 times?“- it is not wrong to want to have sex with a person after 5 or 6 dates, but it is wrong to not respect a person’s No. So, I understand your disappointment.

If you are sitting at home, extremely distressed and very impatient about talking to him, then you are overreacting, and I wish you calm down. The point is that you will not be back to his couch anytime soon, and not before talking about it with him for as many times as you will need to talk about it!

anita