Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→Am I codependent? I feel awful
- This topic has 454 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 4 months, 3 weeks ago by Anonymous.
July 7, 2022 at 11:41 am #403562AnonymousGuest
Welcome back from sunny Florida! Good to read that your level of anxiety is a 2 out of 10, that you and had a fun trip, that things are great with Jason and that you’ll be having a no-kids weekend together.
“My thoughts are on what I am doing in the moment“- isn’t it amazing how with no/ little anxiety, there’s nothing to throw our attention to the future or to the past, so it stays where it’s supposed to be: in the moment?!
“I am keeping no contact with my ex as much as possible… best to avoid as much as possible.. Will not ask for assistance“- it is very important that you keep this going: having the absolute minimal contact with him, whatever it takes. His “assistance” is not worth the hassle, does it.
anitaJuly 25, 2022 at 11:13 am #404558
I got COVID about a week and a half ago so I have been out of commission. It was a few days after I got back from Florida. I though I had a migraine – when I went to Urgent Care I found out I had COVID. I felt pretty bad for at least a week.
I hope all is well with you- things are steady here- time flies by when you do not have much anxiety. I am repainting my bedroom and chalk painting my dresser. Kind of excited for the finished product.
LindseyJuly 25, 2022 at 11:51 am #404559AnonymousGuest
My goodness, reads like you are feeling better and maybe even calmer than if you were at work? Chalk painting sounds like fun. I am fine, thank you: I am enjoying the mild summer here (so far) but I wish everyone was enjoying a mild summer. When are you going back to work and when will you be able to be with your kids and with Jason?
anitaJuly 28, 2022 at 1:49 pm #404669
I finished my dresser and painted my wall. It’s looking good so far- The summer is not too hot here in Illinois in my opinion.
So I gave Jason COVID. Ouch. We were both pretty sick but it could have been worse. My kids were in Florida during my sickness and I was fine when they flew in. I saw Jason a little but we were both under the weather. I’ll see him on Monday evening.
So far everything is fine. I feel that I am quick to tell my ex off for lack of a better word when he gets rude to me. I guess I should turn the other cheek or ignore him. The thing is I don’t want to and I don’t get upset – it feels good to say these things to him.
LindseyJuly 28, 2022 at 2:28 pm #404671AnonymousGuest
About 81 degrees where you’re at, 86 degrees where I am. Congrats for finishing your dresser and for painting your wall! Giving Jason Covid is evidence of the two of you being… close. Glad your kids were safe in Florida when it happened. I don’t blame you for wanting to tell your ex off, he’s been on your very-annoying list for a long, long… long time.
anitaAugust 1, 2022 at 7:51 pm #404908AnonymousGuest
I hope you and Jason tested negative for Covid-negative, and that you are spending this Monday evening together, like planned!
anitaAugust 8, 2022 at 7:26 am #405171
He did test positive LOL. We were able to spend time with each other last week. It was a very busy week with the kids & work- Jason and I went on an overnight trip Friday – Sunday in Wisconsin. It was kind of a last minute planned trip. We went hiking all day Saturday and walked around with the dogs and went in the lake- Bugs actually swam! It was his first time in a lake but he has been in knee deep water before.
I was kind of happy to get away and it was nice of him to have planned but there are a few things I was not overly excited about. First (while this was not anyone’s fault) the room was not that great- at all. It was a cottage type of place on the lake. Anita- we hiked 7 miles all day long with 2 dogs. It was hot and at one point we had to climb steep rock steps up a mountain. He took a pot gummy during the beginning of the hike. I’ve learned he likes to do drugs when he goes on vacation- and more than just pot.
Also Aiden had a game Sunday for a baseball tournament last minute- Aiden was an extra on another team that needed a player about 30 minutes away from us. When I said something he was like yes lets go no problem. I interpreted that as he possibly wanted to meet the kids. In my head it felt good but I wanted to talk with him later about meeting the kids. It ended up him saying he would walk around with the dogs while I watched the game- They ended up losing on Saturday so Aiden had no games on Sunday to watch.
Last- I had to ask if I could post a picture or 2 on facebook and he said sure. I haven’t yet and notice he didn’t post anything. I feel I should not have to ask a question like that and we should post pictures occasionally already as we have been together “a long time” he stated this in the past. 8 months so far.
I feel frustrated and because I am on the Lexapro I really do not have the anxious attachment issued- it has gone down from a 10 to a 2 or 3. I’m not in love and it has been 8 months. Basically should I waste my time with someone when I could be doing other things I enjoy like horseback riding- it is expensive for the lessons and I do not have lots of time now- I spend a good amount of money dating Jason with food etc. In fact after he planned the trip he asked me for $250 for my half.
I just don’t know if this relationship is worth my time and energy. I don’t know for sure that I am interested in just spending time with someone that I like for a long period of time (a year or more) and it never moving forward.
LindseyAugust 8, 2022 at 8:43 am #405173AnonymousGuest
Jason- your boyfriend of 8 months- planned a last minute trip with you to Wisconsin and billed you for half of it. It became a possibility that Aiden would have a baseball game on Sunday, 30 minutes away. You were hoping that Jason would want to meet your kids at the game (for the first time), but he said that he would “walk around with the dogs” while you watch the game. Jason didn’t post any pictures from the trip on his Facebook page.
At this point, you are wondering if dating Jason is worth your time, energy and money (“I spend a good amount of money dating Jason with food etc. In fact after he planned the trip he asked me for $250 for my half”). You don’t feel that you are currently in-love with him or that you are having “the anxious attachment issues… down from a 10 to a 2 or 3” (Lexapro has a part in making it so).
My thoughts this Monday, Aug 8, 2022: although Jason is an improvement over previous dating prospects, in my mind, he is not good enough for you. I do not like him billing you for half of all the dating expenses. I do not like it that he doesn’t post photos with you on Facebook (where he is in the habit of posting photos of himself and other people in his day to day life…?), and I don’t like it that he wasn’t at all motivated- so it seems- to meet your kids for the first time, not even being curious as to how they look in-person?
If I was you, I’d tell him how I feel about the three topics (the billing, Facebook, meeting kids) and see what happens: will he ignore what you tell him, acting as if you didn’t say anything, or will he address your concerns and suggest any possible solution to any of your concerns. And then, take it from there. BUT if you choose to do this, you have to be prepared for the WAITING part, a period of hours or days when you do NOT text him. I don’t know if you are able to wait for his reaction- or lack of.
If you do not express your feelings to him about these 3 topics, there is no reason for him to make ANY CHANGES in the relationship and the status quo will continue.
anitaAugust 8, 2022 at 9:30 am #405174
I am seeing Jason tonight at his home. I am not sure what to say about these issues. Knowing his personality he will listen but I think his thoughts are “I like things how they currently are.” We do show pictures of our kids to each other and talk about them. His facebook contains pictures of him and his family only. He shared that he has never posted a picture of himself and someone else he is dating (he did post 1 picture of us on a hike in May but I brought it up). He is more of a private person.
I agree with you about the billing for half of the dating expenses but I’m not sure how that works or how much/when I should pay. He did not press for the $250 yesterday when I asked about it- he may not at all. I think he knew the cottage was not great.
I do have a problem with him taking pot gummies during the hiking trip. He pressed me to take one and I said no. When he asked multiple times my answer of no was assertive and probably annoyed sounding and he didn’t ask again.
In addition – i guess this would be a side note not related- I have serious body image issues. We were at the lake during and after the hike on Saturday and there were a few women that looked really good in bathing suits. While I didn’t think about him looking at the women or being jealous that he was looking I continued to feel bad about myself. I typically do not study my body in the mirror and avoid the mirror if I am not wearing clothes. This has always been an issue of mine and has gotten worse as I’ve gotten older and had children- I’m 43. There are all those self-help and self-esteems books etc on that everywhere and they don’t make a difference.
LindseyAugust 8, 2022 at 9:32 am #405175
I’m thinking about cancelling spending time with him tonight. To a certain extent I know what he is going to say- he will post a facebook picture this time like he did in May but he will not in the future unless I say something. He tends to need pushed with things.
He will say he’s not ready to have the kids meet and agree that we are not at place where we are in love.
Regarding the expenses part I’m very hesitant to bring up that subject.
LindseyAugust 8, 2022 at 9:53 am #405176AnonymousGuest
“I think his thoughts are ‘I like things how they currently are‘”- he is interested in keeping things as they are.
“I agree with you about the billing for half of the dating expenses but I’m not sure how that works or how much/when I should pay“- depends on his income and expenses vs yours. Let’s say he makes twice the money that you make and has half your expenses: in this case, I’d say you shouldn’t pay more than 25% of the dating expenses.
“I do have a problem with him taking pot gummies during the hiking trip. He pressed me to take one and I said no. When he asked multiple times my answer of no was assertive and probably annoyed sounding and he didn’t ask again“- I don’t know which of the following bothers you: (1) that he chewed it himself, (2) that he asked you to take one, or (3) that he repeatedly asked you?
“I have serious body image issues…“- do your body image issues cause you to feel that you should be grateful for things as they are with Jason and that you shouldn’t rock the boat, so to speak?
anitaAugust 8, 2022 at 9:58 am #405177
Regarding the pot gummies it bothered me that he took them on the hike. He was not “there” so to speak during most of the hike. He was in an altered state. It did bother me to a lesser degree that he kept asking me.
I do not support drug use. He is 44 and if that’s what he choses to do on his own time then that is fine since we do not live together. Just do not do it around me and I would rather not hear details of his upcoming golf trip and the cocaine, pot and whatever else he and his friends will do during the trip.
My body image issue only effect me personally. They really do not have anything to do with Jason and dating me. I did not bring a swim suit on purpose to the trip. We went to the lake after the hike and he got in the lake. I kept my workout clothes on. It seems to not be an issue with I go to the pool with my kids. Maybe it was because of my mind frame at that time? I know other men like the way I look but I don’t.
LindseyAugust 8, 2022 at 10:00 am #405178AnonymousGuest
I just read your recent second post: “He will… agree that we are not at place where we are in love“- did he tell you recently what it is that he does FEEL for you or about you? What do you think he feels for/ about you?
anitaAugust 8, 2022 at 2:42 pm #405194
I will respond in more detail in the am- I am processing the situation with Jason.
Love has not come up in about a month or 2.
Here is what I am thinking about- If facebook/social media didn’t exist would this be an issue and would I have these thoughts?
LindseyAugust 8, 2022 at 3:22 pm #405196AnonymousGuest
I figure that if social media didn’t exist, and he didn’t introduce you to his friends and family irl, this (not making the relationship public) would still be an issue. I hope you rest and process this evening- night and to read from you am.