anita,

emotional cheating. a huge concept. boys. parents. friends.

A Dating Strategy for Calisister

As you know, my sister and i really struggle with boundaries. my favorite thing about what you posted is: The date is limited in place and time. I struggle THE MOST with this. In most of my experiences, if a date were to end early, it because it is my choice (I do not mean to sound conceited – but this is usually how it goes with any woman). I have such a hard time keeping it to one place and a certain time. Even before I even meet someone (and I have no idea if i will even be interested) – I have this idea that it must last “forever” in a sense. You know, there have been times where I have been on dates and I was not even interested but I still would go to another place with them. I cannot explain why.

Thus, I think my biggest efforts definitely have to go into being OKAY with hanging out for 1-2 hours. Not everything has to be a 12 hour ordeal. For example, Monday, Alex asked me to get happy hour. It would have been for an hour or so since he had to give a lecture at 6pm. I am repeating this for myself: Alex was asking me to hang out for 1-2 hours. This concept made me anxious. I was unable to attend because of work, but even if I was able to, I do not believe I would have said “yes.” I felt more comfortable with the idea of hanging out the next day since neither of us had any obligations or plans in the evening. There is no time limit. Now, don’t get me wrong. The time limit or amount of time concept has nothing to do with “oh i do not only want to see him for 2 hours because i like him so much and want to spend more time with him. I want as much time as i can get!” It has nothing to do with that. It is hard for me to explain the feeling that I get. And I do not really have an explanation why. I’m sure you will have input. Alex is a good one to practice this with because he is this way. One time in November, we studied together at a local coffee shop. After a few hours, it was SUPPOSED to end and I knew this. But i was so uncomfortable with the concept when we were leaving. “this is all we did? was it enough?” I had to leave. I had to go home to my puppy, eat dinner. But even though I HAD to, i had a really hard time and might have even said statements like “i thought we were gonna go on an adventure after!” Maybe it has something to do with – maybe the longer they see me, they will like me more? But that does not explain why I continue dates with people I may not like. Conclusion: I rather sit at home alone for an entire evening than see Alex (or any man) for a planned amount of time.

I feel the same way (not to the same extent of anxiety) when it comes to plans with friends. Of course, it is not romantic when i am with my girlfriends, so I do not have as much trouble leaving when i get sleepy. If i am sleepy with a man and I have a huge presentation the next day, i will stay as long as it lasts. no ability to leave. i’ll give the presentation on no sleep.

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With regards to the conversation, hm, I am not sure the best way to practice. I do have issues with oversharing, bluntness, abruptness. I, by nature, am not that “typical, feminine, gentle” girl. I mean, that is what makes me, ME. I have an edge. I have never been that girl. BUT, I could maybe tone it down a bit and try to be those qualities in a sense, so i do not come off as rough. How would we go about this? Practicing this per say.

Last time I saw alex, i forced myself to stay silent in silent moments. Since he is not my actual boyfriend or someone who i am seriously emotionally dating, he is not someone i would practice the vow of silence with yet. we are not on the level for him to understand such a thing. instead i did what i could with silence. and it felt better. but this is just alex. there will be many more alex-es.

Talk tomorrow.

Anita,

i think the time limit thing also has to do with my inability to be in the moment and focus on a certain time and value that time. For example, when I am at the first destination with a friend, I find myself talking about “what bar do you want to go to next”. I don’t value the current bar we are at. This is from my mother.

Yesterday, I hung out with a new friend. When we were making plans, she mentioned a location that wouldn’t have options to do something right after unless we drove. Anxiety. I got through the anxiety. I planned to see her for an hour. And went. We ended up hanging out for hours and I met her husband etc. but initially I let myself be okay with the plan. When I was at the restaurant, I looked around me. I looked at some families. It was already later at night so this is probably their dinner and they will go home. I watched them. I noticed how they were just here. Just there. Eating. This was their Friday. Enjoying in that moment. Nothing more needed. Then bed time. I looked around. I dressed very nicely and everyone else was dressed nicely as well. I took a breath. And I lived in that restaurant for that moment. Not wondering where to go next.

Focusing on one thing gives me anxiety, so I guess a time limit forces me to do that.

Wih regards to practice, perhaps it would be beneficial for me to write questions I get asked or typical things which I am unable to respond normally to.

Examples you can create responses to: (this is only the beginning. I’ll have more later)

1. are you close with your family?

2. So when are you free to hang out ?

3. Explaining why I’m virgin

These are not questions that are first dates per say because unfortunately dating nowadays is a fake. So real questions come way later in the game. It’s a game!

Regarding when I am free, I have been told that with men you should be vague and say I am available on Tuesday. Not give too many details. Do you agree ?

virgin question – here’s the funny thing. No one asks me that. I just feel the need to explain. So we can remove that all together ! I don’t have to say anything

side note: just video chatted my father. Bc I tend to want to sometimes. Let me explain the convo briefly.

Showing them puppy. Dad watching me fill the puppy’s bin up with food for storage. They then start telling me to buy this one indian food product because it is really good etc. and my dad said “yes it’s the best”. My mother in the background with her horrible baby voice that my sister and I now find creepy or scary states (whiny voice) – “oh don’t say that. Mommy makes a really good one”

My dad then continues to tell me about how I need to look at my car statements etc. finance stuff. My mom is in the back. She says “while you’re filling the bin make sure you also give him some pebbles. Look how sad he looks in the back” my dad immediately says “she is giving it to him”

i then explain how the new day care my puppy goes to has this one dog that was thrown out of a running car. I am explaining how sad the story is and how traumatized the poor dog is. He wouldn’t let me pet him or anything. My dads response “so is the new day car  good and everything? How many other dogs”

my mom then says “do you wanna see the clothes I’m wearing today to the  movie? (Like a child). And then proceeds to show me the outfit and explains it as if she is the elite fashion queen. I couldn’t help but smile and think of my sister. Oh how we would make fun of this one.

Why are they so quick to ignore things that are truly horrible? If I tell them a story of my cancer patient dying. They change the subject.