I would like to share but I fear my sister reading the posts. I find that there are two sides to some things and I have been unable to put my input.

What I said about the couples therapy is not an opinion.  It is something I have been told by 3 of my therapists thus far

I spoke to her and agreed that we will not read each other’s posts. Based on that, I would like to ask you not to reference our posts to each other. So we can explore our own journeys here

• This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by cali sister.
• This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by cali sister.

thank you. means a lot. i enjoy writing here.

i have received some great homework assignments from my therapist and am excited to complete them. i will see in future sessions if she is a good fit for me

with regards to my sister, i understand where you and her are coming from. that it is unfair to release my distress and expect her to heal me. i did not realize i was doing this. however, i do want to say that many times she has done this to me as well. again, i am not saying i DO NOT do this. i see that i do now. but i think what i am trying to say is we are both struggling, so she is not someone who’s advice that i think i should take anymore.

yesterday she called me, and i understand she is angry, i do. but here are some things she said to me. i wanted to see how you would think of such statements and how i should take them because i am struggling with them:

this is my sister speaking: you are exactly like our mom. you have feelings of grandiosity. you think you are so cool and fun. youre not.  i am not born on this earth to take care of you and our family. cut your crap. no one wants to be around you and no one likes you. go read anitas post to you, even she wants nothing to do with you anymore. you push everyone away. i am the only one that is shining in this family and i am the only one that has made something for myself. i am the only one that is successful. you cant even do your residency, think about what i do. i operate. i am like a superhuman. i do not want to tell you these things because i think it will just cause you to jump off a bridge. but you need to hear it. everyone leaves you. you cant do anything. so what you moved away, you havent been able to function one day. who cares about your director or C. your director has bipolar. he’s crazy himself. stop listening or talking about these people.

i find many of these statements false. to be honest, my director believed in me and the couple days i have been back at work, i have been doing well. he’s not “crazy,” he’s a great support i have.

i may be not seeing the truth. but i admit that. this forum is for me to write my honest thoughts. i am not my mother. your post states how it is not fair how i treat her, but what about how she treats me? this is why i would like to avoid any sister talk/conflict. i wrote that statement, but i do not expect you to respond. just saying, there are two sides. and i am truly sick of everyone blaming me. when my parents are angry at her, they scream at me. when she is angry at my mom, she screams at me. since i was a young girl, she would talk my mothers anger out on me. on one new years, she did the same. she said, since i live at home, my presence reminds her of my mother. her husband said this was not fair. i found out about my father’s cardiac procedure. i understand my mother said horrible things to her. when i found out they did the same to me. she, however, yelled at me probably more so than she would have if this did not happen. she abuses me too. the examples i have are endless. my sister has played a role in my detriment as well. and i have played a role in hers. we are not healthy for each other right now.

the reason i may get defensive is because most times we speak, she is the one bringing up distressing topics or constantly talking about my mother. it is not me. ever. i will talk about something that happened at work (she will half listen the way my parents do) and then immediately bring up tiny buddha or my mother. i try to change the subject and talk about something else. she states “i cant talk about anything else with you because you are not normal. i cant be your normal sister. i dont care about your friends. they never last anyway.” i am not in this instance trying to be “fun and cool”, i am just trying to talk about something else that is not MOM. so i understand i have caused her distress, but she has also caused me distress. i think it is best for me to cut contact for a while. not NO contact. but just basically telling her i am alive. just as i am not healthy for me, she is not healthy for me. what she does to me is not fair either. sending me paragraphs and paragraphs of messages. sending me huge, long emails and then getting angry when i do not read them. then acting like it did not happen the next day. the things she says i do to her, she has done to me. i do not want to play this back and forth game. I UNDERSTAND she has taken on a parent figure, but she cannot be a parent because she herself is also in need of therapy. from now on, i will write here, to myself, or speak to a therapist.

i repeat: my sister has played a role in my detriment as well. and i have played a role in hers. we are not healthy for each other right now. 

• This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by cali sister.

i understand. i honestly was deeply offended and felt that i needed to stand up for myself.

i had asked regarding the statements my sister said to me and how to heal from them. that is all. regardless if it is my sister or C – they are statements that were very offensive. all i was asking is how to deal with them.

if you do not feel comfortable, i understand.

referencing meaning telling her or me to go read one others posts. her and i will no longer read. thats our agreement. i understand it does not affect you or that you don’t care. i am not blaming you, in any regard. my words may come off wrong.

I was referring to:  she told me that she was told to read what you had written on my post by you – and this resulted her in saying “even anita doesn’t want to help you anymore.” which quite frankly, made me burst into tears. “even someone who doesn’t know doesn’t want to talk to you. I dont even read your posts. i only did bc she told me to”

This is what i meant by reference. i am sorry if you misunderstood.

anita,

thank you for your post.

i understand all you have said. i actually do not tell her about suicidal thoughts that often. but i think when i do, it seems like it is always happening. so i get that.

like i overwhelm her, she overwhelms me. constantly copy and pasting tiny buddha into emails to me. or asking me to practice tactics on the phone. the way that you describe how i overwhelm her or reach out to her repeatedly – that is something of the past that she has held on to because it has been traumatizing. i understand that. however, it is just not true that i do that on a regular basis anymore. with distance, we will see that. the part i found most offensive in her talk is that she made me feel (i know it may not be true), but in that moment, that i am doing all of this to her. but what about what she does to me? she never states that. to me or her husband (me just simply venting here). regardless, because of this, we will indeed keep distance. i agree with you fully.

i am leaving for my best friends bachelorette tomorrow. i have goals: smile, breathe, do not drink (if i have to for traditions, 2 maximum), leave the club/bar scene if i want to. i can do what i want. like you said, i have freedom. i have power

yesterday at the dog park, my puppy got attacked by another dog and was bleeding. he was yelping. i grabbed him. i cried. and cried and cried. i felt: wow i am his mother. and i have to nurture him. imagine how he would feel if i just left him. i do not want to be my mother.

therapy homework: find 3 affirmations by louise hay that mean something to you. put them on your bathroom mirror. read them out loud every morning and night. do not memorize them. read them out loud. Next, buy a doll that represents me as a little girl. she will come to each session we have.

cali sister (by the way – my favorite color is green, and i love mexican food!)

anita,

more trivia: i love fashion and used to be a dancer!

when i think of me and my puppy: i think of me and my mom. someone who is not ready to be a mother. thank god my puppy cannot be influenced by me mentally. and so he trots along happy. and i take the utmost care of him. i cannot wait, with this healing process i have began, to start feeling unconditional love for him. rather than just KNOWING i have it. i have to love me first.

he’s such a sweetie. i want to feel better so i can feel not so anxious around him.

my therapist told me to stop using the words “im not normal” – here is what i am to say: i am someone who has abused and i am on my path to getting better. the way i behave is an expected outcome of what i have been through.

Yes I agree. I just called my parents from the airport (mostly to check in on my dad). The moment my mother took the phone. I felt the anger come in. The things she said were so irritating. And worst of all was her voice. Oh her voice. I wanted to throw my phone out. I couldn’t wait to get out off the phone. It’s almost similar to a dog trying to squirm through a small space. Oh that’s enough for a week I think!