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Anxiety: The Blur

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  • January 9, 2018 at 8:51 am #185759
    cali sister
    Participant

    anita,

    i agree. i feel like the plague sometimes. which further confirms my mother’s ideation of me “the damaged one that always has problems”

    does this mean i seclude myself?

    am i this angry at my mother that i yell at people for no reason? or am i angry at my life. or is that the same thing.

    i appreciate you noticing my honesty. i never sugar-coat anything. sometimes, it is rather funny. (my sister thinks so!)

    January 9, 2018 at 9:16 am #185769
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear calisister:

    I too thought of it as funny, your no-sugar-coating expressions, endearing, really.

    I have no respect to what your mother says. Whatever she said (your first two lines), has no validity as far as I am concerned. And even though even a broken clock is correct twice every 24 hours, I will give her no such credit when it comes to anything she says about you.

    Yes, if you can’t mistreat others, do seclude yourself.

    Yes, you are this angry at your mother. Of course. As children/ adult children we automatically remove from full awareness anger at our mother, best we can.

    And yes, I believe you are angry at your mother and at your life and that the two  are the same thing (her mental rep being the center of your mind and life, as I mentioned it before).

    anita

     

    January 9, 2018 at 9:25 am #185771
    cali sister
    Participant

    anita,

    i have watched my sister mistreat her boyfriend to fiance and now husband. i watch it as an outsider. i then see myself – almost a mirror image behaving similarly.

    here’s another thought: i see people that i am close to allow men to do anything to them and they forgive it. or they relentlessly reach out even if the man does not want them to. i then get angry that if i do something similar, they are all of a sudden firm with me. C was so quick to say what i was doing was not right, however with a boy she would remain quiet. and i think – well if i was a boy, you wouldn’t react the same way. i get angry that there is a discrepancy there – and i for some reason, want people to see that in themselves.

    i think the ugly truth is i want people to be meaner to themselves and stop just “loving” everything. i think that is what it is. i see the ugly in people, in the world. i want people to see it. i want people to realize – YES, i let guys walk all over me. BE HONEST. why oh why does my brain go to places like this? i am so hard on myself that i want others to also say ugly things about themselves. it is like i enjoy when people talk about their flaws and realize them. it is like YES, SEE – SO YOU SEE YOURE NOT PERFECT? its this true, true anger.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by cali sister.
    January 9, 2018 at 11:23 am #185785
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear calisister:

    I am sorry to read that your sister mistreats her husband. I was hoping that they had a healthy relationship. What a shame.

    I want to better understand your last post, therefore I ask:

    When you yelled at C., do you want her to not object, as she does with a man… are you angry that she doesn’t take mistreatment from you, or that she takes it from a man…?

    Can you elaborate on: “I want people to be meaner to themselves and stop just ‘loving’ everything”?

    This “true, true anger” you referred to, is that about your mother never admitting any faults?

    * I will soon be away from the computer for about seventeen hours or so… losing my concentration.

    anita

    January 9, 2018 at 11:40 am #185793
    cali sister
    Participant

    anita,

    i meant moreso before with my sister- it came off incorrectly. they have a healthy relationship, but she still struggles – maybe she will touch on this at one point. not my place.

    Here is the response to your post:

    When you yelled at C., do you want her to not object, as she does with a man… are you angry that she doesn’t take mistreatment from you, or that she takes it from a man…? BOTH.

    Can you elaborate on: “I want people to be meaner to themselves and stop just ‘loving’ everything”? – I get annoyed when people are not more open about things they should be improving about themselves. they are just ok. i feel this anger that they should say meaner things about themselves.

    This “true, true anger” you referred to, is that about your mother never admitting any faults? – no. just explaining that all of this gives me a true feeling of anger. not sadness. only anger.

    talk to you soon.

    cali sister

    January 9, 2018 at 6:18 pm #185833
    cali sister
    Participant

    anita,

    i thought about it more and my thoughts are more clear now. this anger i have – it is because most people, that i am surrounded by at least and speak to on a daily basis, are not this tortured or in this much mental pain on a daily, minute-minute basis. and thus, i am angry. Angry that my friend’s biggest problem of the day is that a guy didn’t text her back – not the evil voice of her mother not allowing her to read an article for work. i realized the root of it. i hit it on point. for most people, each day is not this difficult. and i am angry because for me it is truly a struggle to get by.

    now do not get me wrong, i know others suffer and have problems too. but that is not the point of what i am saying.

    i know this is why. this is why i am lashing out on people left and right.

    January 10, 2018 at 4:20 am #185901
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear calisister:

    Regarding your post before last, you wrote: “I have watched my sister mistreat her boyfriend to fiancé and now husband”. After I expressed my disappointment that it is so, you took back your statement, typing: “It came off incorrectly. They have a healthy relationship.”

    I think I understand your discomfort with this matter and indeed we will not discuss your sister’s relationship here. I respect her privacy. If she brings it up I will discuss it with her. And I respect your love and loyalty to your sister.

    But notice this: an untruth, you compromised the truth so to be loyal to your sister. Better be loyal to the truth first and foremost. Except for exceptional circumstances, be loyal to the truth, stick with the truth. Don’t blurt it and then take it back.

    Next item: when you yelled at C and feel angry that she takes yelling submissively from a man, and then objects to you yelling at her, angry at her for not submitting to your yelling, that means to me that you are motivated to abuse a submissive person. That would make you feel better.

    This is why parents abuse their children, yell at them and not at … their own parents: they find submission in their children but they fear their parents’ aggression. This worries me and makes it very clear to me, that you do need to heal from that hurt, underneath your anger, so that you do not pass the aggression on to another generation, and that you no longer abuse others presently.

    Regarding your anger at people who do not say mean things about themselves- I think it is because you say mean things to yourself a whole lot and that hurts, that is painful. You envy those who don’t. I suppose, you suffer and you want others to suffer too, the same kind of suffering.

    Regarding your most recent post: I just read it for the first time, after I typed the above. My understanding was correct then, you envy others for not suffering like you do.

    More of my input: to not lash out at others, and to avoid lashing out at your future children, if any (my greatest concern), what do you do?

    Do not do what your mother did and does: make others suffer, so that you are not the only one. Do what is right: heal the pain underneath your anger. The lashing out is easier but ineffective. The healing is way more difficult but it is effective.

    If you work hard, by the time you are thirty, that “evil voice” of your mother will not be powerful. Then you will hear your voice, that innocent, loving and lovable voice.

    anita

     

     

    January 10, 2018 at 6:27 am #185927
    cali sister
    Participant

    anita,

    I love this last post of yours. I’m actually going to be printing this entire topic and putting it in a binder. It is beautiful.

    Thank you for being so honest with me – you also do not sugar-coat.

    C wanted to talk last night. I spoke to her and gave her some background information (but did not go into my entire life story like i usually would). I stated why I think it would be best for me to maybe stay away because I do not want to hurt her/abuse her. She does not want this. She wants to understand and help. We came up with a safe word for me to say (BF – stands for bitch fit from the hilarious movie White Chicks  hahaha) when I start feeling like this. And we came up with coping tactics. She stated, “I care about our friendship too much to not work on it. What should WE do to help you.” No one has EVER spoken to me like this before. I guess I will give this a shot?

    I need to remove myself from situations that cause more anxiety/worsen the anger. Alex – is not healthy for me. He hardly communicates and completely denies this fact if brought up. I know in my heart I probably should not speak to him. He does nothing the way I would want it. To be honest, he is pretty mute. So I don’t know what it is about him that I am hung up on.

    Why expose myself to situations that make me feel more vulnerable and do not cause me happiness. Right?

    January 10, 2018 at 6:56 am #185935
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear calisister:

    You are welcome and thank you for your appreciation. Good to have a fellow none sugar coater (just coined that term…)

    I like it that you approached your friend the way you did and that she offered to try another solution that the two of you can do together, using the pronoun we. This is a valuable opportunity for you to practice anger management, in this context of friendship with her. I am interested to know how this will work out.

    Regarding Alex, I can see what a challenge it is for you to communicate with someone who doesn’t express himself, or herself clearly and openly.

    By the way, good you didn’t tell C your whole story, like you usually do, only relevant information. It is a good practice for you to no longer tell your whole story to people, as it is not effective in the great majority of contexts, I believe. Too much to process and to much credit to the listener in this regard. Select what you share at any one context. Ask yourself: what do I want in this interaction, what is my goal? Then decide what information is relevant to share.

    anita

    January 10, 2018 at 12:49 pm #186007
    cali sister
    Participant

    anita,

    I am glad to have a friend like C, and I am also interested to see how it turns out with her. I am glad to realize a lot of my anxiety comes from my anger.

    Yes, I am learning how not to overshare – I think it is because I am gaining more understanding of my situation.

    I wanted to mention that I just finished a presentation for the clinical staff here. The feedback I received from my director was amazingly positive. It made me feel like “wait, i AM smart. i can do this. I am good at this!” I always forget that I am smart or have this talent to succeed in this career. One of the hardest things for me is READING. and in order to gain knowledge in my training right now and be successful, you have TO READ. this is one of the reasons i have been so anxious because i am unable to do the one thing that i am supposed to be doing to be more successful. hopefully this can get better with time. anyway, this positive reinforcement made me realize i should take what comes. career wise. i do not need to know everything right now. truth is, i dont hate what i do or my career. i just feel unable to function which causes more anxiety. if i am able to function, read, and learn and do what i am supposed to be doing – i know i can be a superstar. question is, how can i get to that.

    January 10, 2018 at 9:07 pm #186067
    cali sister
    Participant

    I would like to add to that post by stating this: it is very hard for me to read anything. this is why – i have no ability to focus on one thing at a time and the idea of just sitting there reading terrifies me because i think there is not enough time or time will be wasted for everything else i have to do. reading takes time – and that is what gives me anxiety. i am unable to sit still and just do that one thing.

    January 11, 2018 at 7:11 am #186115
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear calisister:

    Fear leads to rushing, to action. Reading takes being still. Hence the incongruence. If you become mindful, that is, able to pay attention and notice the beginning of the rushing, and calm yourself following that beginning (instead of later when the rushing is overwhelming), then you will improve your ability to read.

    This mindfulness takes a lot of time and practice, but it will get you to a better and better place in life.

    anita

    January 11, 2018 at 9:53 am #186151
    cali sister
    Participant

    anita,

    I never think there is enough time. My mother has always made me feel like THIS IS IT and death is upon me. I think everything has to happen right now. I never ever think I have time. It is a concept that is so foreign to me.

    cali sister

    January 11, 2018 at 10:05 am #186159
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear calisister:

    But you do have time. Reality (you do have time) does not accommodate our delusions (that you don’t have time). Reality does not even accommodate your mother this-is-it-and-death-is-upon-us input. This is why you have hope, why healing is possible for you. Commit yourself to Reality, to what is true, and you will be able to read.

    anita

    January 11, 2018 at 10:08 am #186161
    cali sister
    Participant

    anita,

    sometimes i struggle with figuring out what i have time for. i forget i am 25. so young. but then so old? but then anything cam happen at anytime?

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