Are some things just unforgivable?

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This topic has 16 replies, 8 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 3 months ago by Ann.

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January 14, 2019 at 4:07 pm #274551

Ann
Participant

Hi everyone I am new to this but I am struggling right now with a dilemma.

I will try to keep it short & to the point.

I met a guy online a few months ago we hit it off and started seeing each other I have to say that things were somewhat complicated from the start due to the fact he has serious depression, anxiety, ptsd & is a recovering alcoholic. All of which he is getting treatment for and sees a psychiatrist etc. Due to this we were kind of on & off sometimes he would not respond to my texts so I would leave him alone & get on with my life whilst checking that he was ok every few days or so. Added to this he had been honest & told me he had tried to commit suicide in the previous year.

Anyhow lately I had texted him & he seemed to be getting better so we agreed to meet up which was great I felt really happy & felt things might be looking up?

Now for the hard part during that day he had mentioned his surname which I hadn’t previously know so after I went home I decided to do some digging typed in his full name & up pops a mugshot of this guy with the words “arrested for soliciting a minor with a electronic device” . I clicked on the article but didn’t get much more information, I don’t know if there was a trial ? It said it was a police operation posing as a minor & they arresting him when he turned up to meet them.

It has been3 days & I still feel sick , I can’t sleep for thinking about this but it explains why this guy doesn’t have Facebook & why he tryto kill himself as it was when he was arrested.

My question to everyone is should I listen to his side of the story ( I still haven’t mentioned it) I obviously have to talk to him face to face or do I just dump the guy & move on ? Thank you

January 14, 2019 at 4:31 pm #274563

GL
Participant

Dear Ann,

When a person is arrested for soliciting a minor with an electronic, it means that the person was communicating with a minor, someone younger than 18, to forge a transaction with them. From the looks of it, the police posing as a minor invited the person with the invite for some ‘actions’ or the person himself initiated the meet up and it seems that the person was aware that it was a ‘minor’ he was talking to. So he probably was hoping for some bed action with a minor if he went since the police did arrest him. That, or he was trying to do something else, but the police was waiting for him at the meet up spot so fishy things about it.

If you are uncomfortable about it, but still wish to hear his side of it, then meet him for coffee and calmly ask him about it. Just make sure not to accuse him of anything since you don’t have all the fact. But do be careful of what might happen if you do meet up. Or just tell him that it’s not working for you and cut off all contact. Do whatever makes you feel safe and comfortable.

Be careful.

January 14, 2019 at 6:13 pm #274567

Mark
Participant

Ann,

I don’t understand why you would want to invest in someone who has PTSD, anxiety, depression prone to suicide and recovering alcoholic much less being a convicted pedophile after only meeting him a couple of months ago.

I am also curious about your past relationships. Are you attracted to men with such issues? Those who struggle in being psychologically healthy?

Mark

January 15, 2019 at 8:09 am #274677

Ann
Participant

Hi , thank you both for replying to me it is much appreciated . Mark to answer your questions no, I am not attracted to men with such serious issues but I am aware that these men may be attracted to me? I can definitely see where you are coming from, I have only had 3 relationships( counting this one) I had a mostly happy long term relationship , then I got into a more toxic relationship he had issues with alcohol he could be cold & indifferent. I finally ended things but it still went on far too long.

I guess posted on here because I feel lost and alone at times even though I have good friends and family I could never confide in them about what I discovered about this current guy.

GL Thank you so much for trying to understand ! I have had another day to think about what to do and whether I should even mention this to him or just end things amicably I think for my peace of mind I need to find out what on earth he was doing ? Really he has ruined his entire life & his mental health because of this action? I just do not want him to have suicidal thoughts when he seems to be in recovery now.

January 15, 2019 at 9:47 am #274703

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Ann:

You met a man who “has serious depression, anxiety, ptsd & is a recovering alcoholic”. He told you that he tried to commit suicide the pervious year. You were on an on & off relationship, sometimes he didn’t respond to your texts and you left him alone, checking if he was okay a few days later. You later found out that he was arrested “for soliciting a minor with an electronic device”.

Next you figured that it explains “why he tried to kill himself”- but this is only your assumption. Maybe he tried to kill himself before he got arrested, because of his serious anxiety and depression that you mentioned.

Your question is “should I listen to his side of the story”?

My answer: there is nothing of value that you can get by asking him. If he tells you that the evidence the police had when issuing a warrant for his arrest was false evidence, will you believe him? If he tells you he didn’t know of the person’s age, will you then believe him?

He is very unlikely to tell you that he likes minor girls, that he finds them sexually attractive and that is what motivated him. He’d be too afraid such a confession to you will end up in court, you testifying to his confession.

“Are some things just unforgivable?”- looking for minors so to have sex with them is unforgivable, yes.

anita

January 15, 2019 at 9:48 am #274705

Anonymous
Guest

* didn’t reflect under Topics

January 15, 2019 at 2:14 pm #274763

Mark
Participant

Ann,

It’s great that you feel safe enough here to post about your situation. I still don’t understand why you would want to invest in someone who has PTSD, anxiety, depression prone to suicide and recovering alcoholic much less being a convicted pedophile after only meeting him a couple of months ago.

I would stop and cut off all contact with this person and examine within yourself why would you want to?

Mark

January 15, 2019 at 2:32 pm #274777

Brandy
Participant

Hi Ann,

I’m with anita and Mark. Don’t try to get this guy’s side of the story. Remove yourself from this unsafe situation.

B

January 15, 2019 at 2:52 pm #274781

Anne
Participant

The fact that you are actually asking whether you should ask his side of the story kind of implies that you most likely will see him because most people it is a no brainer that they would run the other way as fast as possible. Please keep yourself safe and lose his number and maybe consider a therapist of your own. I am saying this with love in my heart. Your too kind, he is a monster, and at the very least someone with way to many hard issues that he needs to deal with ALONE.

January 16, 2019 at 11:53 am #274985

Ann
Participant

Hi everyone, Thank you for all your thoughts which I have taken on board. So a few more days have passed I feel I needed to distance myself from him , even the thought of seeing him again makes me feel sick. I have decided to break things off via text message later this evening . I want him out of my life he has brought me nothing but pain, triggered my own feelings of anxiety & depression.

I wanted to help him and yes Mark I have been thinking about why I always feel the need to help people & put them before myself.

Yes Anita , I agree meeting him would solve nothing I have no way of knowing if he is lying and indeed what else he could be lying about.

Thank you Brandy & Anne for your concern.

January 16, 2019 at 1:13 pm #275005

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Ann:

Breaking things off with any person who brought you nothing but pain and triggered your anxiety and depression (“he has brought me nothing but pain, triggered my own feelings of anxiety & depression”) –

-is a wise choice, congratulations!

I hope to read from you later, after you sent him that message.

anita

January 16, 2019 at 1:31 pm #275013

Anonymous
Inactive

Dear Ann,

Listen, you seem like a very sweet and caring individual. But the hard but honest truth is that you have to step away from this situation. I’m all about second chances and believe that people, even with hard problems can work things out, but you have to put yourself first at all times. This guy is a stranger. And he has major issues. Until he really gets through them, please, for the sake of the love you have for yourself don’t continue with him. He will drag you down with him, because emotionally and psychologically he can’t “move” up right now to your level, or to normal levels. He has to go through this on jis own with professional help. You’re not a professional and you have the OBLIGATION to watch out for your life. Years don’t come back. That’s cruel I know, but waiting your lovely energy whilst there are plenty of people around you is a shame. I don’t judge this poor soul. We are all broken, sinners, we all have sh&t to go through. I hope he finds his way in life, as should you. Have a blessed day.

January 17, 2019 at 8:32 am #275117

Ann
Participant

Anita I haven’t sent the text yet I

know I will have to choose my words very carefully, I haven’t seen him for nearly a week now so that makes it easier.

He messaged me last night to tell me he has been a year sober & I said well done I hope you continue on that path to recovery.

January 17, 2019 at 8:58 am #275135

Ann
Participant

Sofioula Thankyou I found your thoughts very interesting and spiritual I am a very deep thinker myself.

For me to say this man caused me nothing but pain isn’t of course the whole picture I would never tolerate such a person , I think everyone we meet can teach us a life lesson he was actually the kindest , most caring man I have met since I started dating again.

It just to show how you sometimes never really know a person and to be very wary of people who paint themselves as victims. He once told me the at he could not bear to look at himself in mirror as he hated himself so much. This troubled me and I did wonder what had happened in his life that had made him say that.

He is really a broken shell of a man and I had told him before that I found his unhappiness overwhelming.

He lives in his own private hell so I cannot bring myself to hate him for the hurt he has caused me.

January 17, 2019 at 9:37 am #275139

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Ann:

Do you want to write here what you want to text him, as in first draft?

I was wondering, regarding what you wrote here: “I found his unhappiness overwhelming”- can you elaborate on the extent of his unhappiness that overwhelmed you so much?

anita
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