Thank you for you’re reply

i had typed a long response but it did not post. In short I have read enough research on mental illness,  gene expression, and neurotransmitters to determine that i absolutely have a reuptake issue with either the both norepinephrine or serotonin. The reason I have avoided ssri’s is mainly because I saw firsthand the effects that they had on my mother growing up, and the few times I have tried them the side effects were too much for me, lastly I’m not doing everything I possibly can to fight depression. For example I’m drinking too much, smoking too much weed, not exercising regularly, not meditating, not eating well, etc.

Having been well for a period of about 4-6months at one point a few years ago when I was doing everything in my power to get well is the evidence I use against medication for myself. I do agree that medication should be used as a tool when someone’s life prevents them from controlling the controllables. I have no excuse except fear.

Yesterday I had a bad episode. The backstory is I met a woman last weekend at a bar we talked for hours and we had sex that night and the next night. We even went out on a lunch date this past week. However I wasn’t able to see her this weekend because she was working and busy. Feeling let down my mind always tells me if I were a more worthy person than she would’ve figured out a way to see me. Completely irrational. But, this is the thought process I have when I can’t get my needs met, and I clearly have attachment issues that feed into this thinking. I get addicted to women very quickly I try to keep it in check but of course having sex early on always confuses things and keeps the “relationship” going. So instead of just being patient and saying to myself oh well guess I’ll see her later when she has time I tell her it’s not going to work out, then I go back and forth playing games in what I think is my attempt at getting someone to chase me so that I feel needed/worthy.

I ended up being drunk all weekend and yesterday morning had a drunken breakdown and Texted my two friends and had them come over and take all my alcohol and watch me finish off all the rest of the weed I had. It was the first time I’ve asked for help in what seems like a couple years. I don’t know why I try to convince myself that no one cares about me and that I’m worthless. This thinking keeps me from asking for help, and keeps me guarded, keeps me safe in my lonely fortress.

I feel I am at a crossroads in my life. I’m providing therapy for people while feeling worthless at the same time, it’s difficult for me to sell a product When i don’t believe in it. I can either try harder and toughen up and go through the pain of experiencing all of my difficult emotions, or continue on the path I’m on which is leading me back to the darkness. I feel I have nothing to look forward to in life. I don’t feel worthy of being needed or loved by anyone, and on top of it all I don’t know where to start looking for answers to help me find my value.

Thank you for your reply,

At times everything feels hopeless. I don’t exactly  know how to let go of this pain. Getting close to people and being vulnerable feels so scary to me. I always tell myself I’ll do better next time I enter into any kind of relationship with people, I’m yet to do better. The feeling of separation anxiety from a person I’ve attached to even if i just met them is familiar and overwhelming. The same feeling I used to have as a child most of my waking hours.

Im not sure what exactly I should be working towards with healing from that pain of unavailable caregivers as a child. While I’m fully aware of it, fully aware when I’m acting irrational towards someone (especially in romance), fully aware of the familiarity of the pain, I still can’t quite change the immature childish way I seek help and connection through getting close to someone and then trying to run away.

You have been sending me the same message for quite some time now when I post here. I’m just unsure how exactly to start healing from my childhood, Most of the work I’ve done has been merely becoming aware of my past presenting itself in the present. Awareness is the first step, but I feel stuck there. Besides not reactivating that pain by talking to my parents, I’m lost how else to heal at this point. If I were a client of mine I would encourage the person to find community where their fears and vulnerabilities can be held and witnessed in safety, without judgment and with care. I don’t know if there’s any more you can tell me that you haven’t already on this topic. It’s obvious to me I’m longing for a person or people who I can feel safe sharing my wounds with, maybe that is the way to heal on a level that I haven’t in the past, through experience.

We haven’t discussed that role to my knowledge. Since breaking up with my first girlfriend 4 years ago now I have gradually become more distant whenever I meet women. the length of time of the relationships i’ve been involved since my first girlfriend have steadily declined from 5-6months, 3 months, 1 month, 3 weeks, 1 week, and a couple one-nighters. My thoughts on this is I have lost hope and either don’t give people a chance or feel that a relationship is hopeless so I put no effort into the women I’ve met after we’ve had sex. I also don’t trust any of the women i’ve met since my first girlfriend, even if they have given me no reason not to trust them I know how desperate people are for love and feel that women will cheat and lie to get what they want from me or whoever. To make matters worse because i know pain so well, i see pain clearly in others and it scares me, i ask myself if this person is hurting so much how can i trust them to be there for me and be honest.

When I meet a woman they typically are impressed with my work ethic, talents, vulnerability (to an extent), and independence. They see me as some sort of savior, as the perfect man they’ve been looking for. I of course do not see myself for my best qualities and this scares me when others see me better than i see myself because i feel i will inevitably let them down and fail them somehow. This is when all my insecurities surface and I regress back to my childish games. I’ll either cut things off quickly to try to avoid the pain of becoming attached again and being let down later, or i will sabotage it somehow by telling them how awful of a person i am because i have so many issues.

Here’s where things get interesting. Every woman i’ve been with has told me i was either the best sex they ever had or right up there. I’ve learned why, its not because i’m some kind of supermodel man or something but its because i am selfless and %100 of my focus is on them, I rarely finish during sex but make sure they finish every time. I put all my emotional energy into it, and make sure the other person feels safe and fully accepted by me. This is a very crude way of trying to get that same attention reciprocated which doesn’t happen the way i want it to. My favorite part of sex is pillow talk, and cuddling. It’s the moments where i feel close to someone sex is just my means of getting there. It works to an extent, the problem is that care and attention doesn’t often get reciprocated back and i might as well be their therapist too, because the focus of the care is exclusively on them.

What got me excited about this last woman is that she quickly noticed my flaws and vulnerabilities that most women don’t. Shes also a little bit older than me (33) which i like because she’s more mature, but shes very busy taking care of kids and doesnt really have too much time for me. My thought is always “if i can take care of this person maybe they wont leave this time” sound familiar

Anger is always my knee jerk emotional reaction when a women or even friend makes themselves unavailable to me. I then ask myself why am i angry? especially if the reason they are unavailable is legitimate. The anger is definitely a relived childhood experience with my mother, not available when i need her leading me to believe there was something wrong with me. If im thinking healthy ill say something to myself like “you’re upset because you’re not getting what you want immediately, but that doesn’t mean they don’t care or don’t want to see you” when i’m not in a healthy place my thinking goes like this “see i knew you were worthless, no one needs or wants you, nothing you can ever do will be good enough”

I think i’ve landed on my self-worth as the core issue I have to solve. Historically i have been motivated by feeling worthless, it’s what makes me keep my body in shape so that im worthy of being attractive, its what makes me want to take care of people, its what drove me to achieve everything in life thus far. Sometimes im amazed at the physical, mental, and career accomplishments i’ve made all why secretly hating myself every step of the way. I do well at pretending i love myself, few people have seen through the facade of accomplishment.

I agree i absolutely need to change this incorrect belief about myself that I am worthless, the question is how?

I went to see my therapist today. We talked about a lot of important topics, the most important was this topic of self worth. He showed me a picture of his daughter and told me she and the rest of the children in the world need my gifts. I responded that even if i know cognitively people need me that i don’t feel it. To that he responded with a concept from Carl Jung about living “as if”. He told me to live as if i believed it to be true. After he told me that i began to cry, it really hit me in that moment how much I’ve lost hope for myself to be anything other than worthless, how hard I’ve tried to prove it to others all the while not proving it to myself. I’m not even sure what it means for me to live as if i’m worthy it feels so foreign to my thoughts and my heart.

I know the weed and liquor has kept me from dealing with this issue. I smoke weed not because i enjoy the euphoria so much, rather Its because of want i don’t want. I don’t want to be fully aware of all my sorrows and pain. I don’t have dreams when i smoke which i like because i get to ignore my subconscious. For example the dream i had last night was so amazing that when i woke up i immediately felt sad. The themes of the dream were belonging, intimacy, and fun. The things i know i deeply desire but try to ignore out of lack of the skills to get those needs filled.

This is where im at right now, no longer trying to escape my unmet needs, instead im going to pay attention to them, i just dont know how to hold and care for them. How does one care for the need of belonging, sex, and validation alone? i dont think i can do it on my own. I’ve hit my limit of being a loner.