Dear noname:

You are welcome. Keep meditating daily because it works for you, keep doing what works- even if it doesn’t work every single time. Healing in you is in progress: you don’t get that specific urge to self-harm anymore, well done, as the English say!

You wrote: “I just try to feel the pain to completion”- you don’t mean that you are aiming at feeling the pain or focusing on the pain, do you? When I experience pain or a difficult emotion my objective is to relax  and my focus is on relaxing (I don’t try to feel the pain or to not feel the pain). When I focus on my physical breathing, the pain/ emotion lessens.

“I don’t want to be alone.. this loneliness feels so unsolvable… I feel like there’s something you.. are trying to teach me”- I will now look at that recent study I did and find something there that may help in regard to understanding your alone-ness/ loneliness more: I wrote that your fear of separation from an object of attachment is extreme, that you desperately crave attachment (not wanting to be alone) and you terribly fear attachment (wanting to get away once attached). The terrible fear is about either losing your mind or your very life. In yet other words, what you need the most, you fear the most.

You wrote in August 2018: “I struggle with feeling safe vs. Feeling loved, the two feelings have never been simultaneously present within me”- meaning that when you feel loved/ attached/ connected- you feel unsafe/ in danger. No wonder you run away from attachment the moment after you experience it: attachment= danger. After you run away/ end a beginning relationship you probably feel a relief, but after some time, you get lonely and you crave attachment. It’s a catch 22: you can’t be okay alone for too long.. and you can’t be okay with a woman for too long: the moment there is any sign of rejection, it may be her not answering your text quickly, your fear takes over, then anger, then you end the very beginning relationship.

anita

Dear noname:

It is definitely unhealthy to suppress emotions. On the other hand, it is also unhealthy to hold on to and prolong the experience of emotional pain.

“when I notice myself about to cry or feel overwhelmed with emotion… I digest it… (I) sit with it, listen to what the emotion is trying to tell me, wait (and breathe) until it had passed. Are you saying that is not helpful?”-

– you are the one to judge, of course, about what is helpful to you and what is not helpful. I am not clear about what you mean by the parts I italicized, can you explain those parts to me: what it is that you are thinking, feeling and/ or doing at the times when you digest an emotion and listen to it?

“Being in relationships feels dangerous to my survival in the sense that if a breakup occurs-> I’m an emotional wreck-> I can’t do my job-> I don’t get paid-> I don’t survive”-

– this laying out of your fear has your adult thinking in it, but the Fear was born when you were a child, before you ever had a job and before you had to pay bills. If/ when you want to, come up with a layout/ description of your early-life (and ongoing) fear of emotional attachment and of separation from/ abandonment by your object/s of attachment.

anita

Dear noname:

“I’m tired, I’m lonely, I feel like sh**, and really don’t have a good reason to keep trying anymore”- some of the ways you are trying are not working for you, no wonder you lose your motivation to keep trying. Without positive results, one loses motivation. I think that you need to evaluate the ways you’ve been trying, and start trying different ways.

“What I mean by digesting my emotions is like the opposite of what suppression was to me. Instead of pushing it down, I let it surface and be felt from beginning to its end… (like) ripping off a band-aid instead of slowly pulling it off. I just want to get the pain over with so I don’t fight it (suppress it) and let it run its course”-

– Your intent and strategy has been to express all the suppressed pain by crying and be done with that pain, have no more suppressed pain. But this strategy failed: you cried and cried for years and the suppressed pain is still there, hardly any of it has been released and resolved:

“I have been having at least two severe crying episodes per day usually before going to sleep and trying to get out of bed” (June 2017),  “I have been crying all night and morning” (July 2017), “I have random crying episodes that sneak up on me” (September 2017), “I’ve been crying in so much pain for the past couple hours” (October 2017)… “I have been crying alone for the past 3-4 hours.. with  no foreseeable end to the pain.. the pain is so much sometimes” (December 2019), …”I did my takes last night and fell to the floor crying… It was about 11:30 am yesterday and I had a crying episode.. I screamed, cried… I finally picked myself up off the floor about 11:50 and washed my face” (January 26 & 27, 2021).

Your intent in crying a lot at any one crying episode was to rip off the band-aid instead of slowly pulling it off, but seems like what you accomplished is to re-experience the suppressed pain, exhaust yourself (experiencing a temporary relief at best), but release/ resolve very little of the suppressed pain, if any.

anita

Dear noname:

Re-experiencing the pain does not equal resolution of the pain, not even a lessening of the pain. Then.. what is the purpose of re-experiencing it, what is the emotional payoff (I ask myself.. and you)?

anita

Dear noname:

“Often when I’m having these episodes, my life story viewed from the perspective of a powerless victim… Trauma is stored in the body… The trigger being the feeling of powerlessness, such as I felt as a child”- bingo.

The key to your healing is not to continue to re-experience the old experiences of trauma and powerlessness, but to experience something new: power!

Power over the intensity of your emotions, power over your choices and behaviors, and as much power as you can exercise over your life situations, beginning in small ways, proceeding over time to bigger ways.

“The implication here is that I have not actually processed my trauma and reconnected with my authentic self that was suppressed as a child?”- I think that you connected massively with your authentic self of the past, a powerless child, a victim. You  now need to connect to a new self that is in you, awaiting your attention and eager to earn your trust. This new self is a powerful man.

anita

You are welcome, noname.

Dear noname:

So good to read that you came up with a plan to take back your power and get your life together, I am excited!!! My feedback:

1. “I need discernment with my pain”- It is a good idea to ask yourself when you are distressed regarding a particular situation: is there anything I need to do about this situation now or later? If the answer is Yes, Now- then do what needs to be done. If the answer is Yes, Later- then make a note of what to on a later hour or day, and move on to the next topic &/or rest. If the answer is No (there is nothing required of you to do now or later)- then aim at moving on to another topic &/or rest.

The re-experiencing of your trauma and expressing it through crying etc., did not lessen or resolve your trauma, so keep it in mind when you find yourself about to cry. I am not saying that you should try to not cry.. I am saying: remind yourself that crying etc. will not lessen or resolve your trauma and then.. cry or not, whatever feels right to you.

2. “I need to improve my self soothing”- Yes, improve your self soothing/ distress tolerance= emotion regulations skills, this part is absolutely necessary, do it every day and repeatedly.

3. “I need power over my monkey mind”- This is a continuation of #2: the more you are able to self sooth/ distract in healthy ways, tolerate distress= to regulate your emotions,  the less impulsive you will be and the more control you will have over your choices and behaviors. If you do not have a favorite meditation series that worked well  for you in the past, I recommend professor Mark Williams series of mindful guided meditations, free online, listen to one 2-3 times a day. If you feel an initial resistance, don’t give up, keep a routine of listening for a few weeks before giving up on it, if you give up on it.

4. “I need a girlfriend”- You wrote: “I need to drop the individualistic conditioning of my culture and acknowledge I am human with human needs.. I am a desirable partner… it’s now the fear of someone loving me”-

– (a) the issue for you is not a cultural conditioning, (b) you are already aware that you are human with human needs, (c) thinking and even feeling at times that you are a desirable partner will not lessen or resolve the fear when you find yourself in a beginning relationship, (d) the issue is not fear of someone loving you, it is the fear of depending on someone to love you and then, once relaxed and dependent on that person for love, being terribly rejected and abandoned.

What you have done was to rush into the experience of love with a woman, then get triggered by any perceived rejection, however minute, then escalate the distress and run away.

This will be your greatest challenge because here is your greatest fear. This is where your very early life trauma resides, the trauma of having been rejected/ abandoned by the person/s you loved deeply and completely. You will need a LOT of work on #2 and #3  to make #4 possible.

5. “I need to own my job”- Yes, do  what it takes to start your own practice once you are fully licensed.

anita