Dear Farnaz:

“Regarding all the politics bs, to be honest, I really don’t want to talk about it, it makes me so depressed and helpless, actually, I discovered when I think about money or politics, it means I’m sad or it’s the beginning of getting depressed… I don’t (want) to be rude, I’m just being honest. I hope you understand that“-

of course I understand it. How rude it would be of me if I insisted on talking about topics that made you feel depressed and helpless!  I mean, it is minimal courtesy (and minimal love) to not knowingly cause or increase a person’s helplessness and depression! And yet, our parents did not bother with this MINIMAL courtesy, and minimal love.

So, no, it is not rude of you to let me know how talking about money and politics makes you feel. It would be rude of me to not accept your truth and respect it. Not only will I not accuse you of being rude for rightfully asserting yourself, but I will thank you for doing so (thank you!) because it is not only respectful to you when you assert yourself, it is also respectful to me (I would hate the idea of me going onnd  aon about topics that upset you). So those two topics are OUT of our conversation.

“I like the feeling, it makes a sense of unity between people and makes you forget about problems for a while… I’m sure we can find something to talk about which is interesting for both of us“- topics that unify would be fine.

“I thought you would be interested because you have French roots, and I was for France too but most Iranian are Argentina fans“- thing is, I don’t have French roots, I have Colonial French roots: my mother (Moroccan)  admired the Colonial French and their attitude that ethnic Moroccans are INFERIOR to them, and shared- and expressed- their attitude.  So I (half Moroccan, and no French genes) did not feel Moroccan or French: ashamed of the first, not qualified to be the second. Back to football: I felt nothing at all (except for some discomfort) when the Moroccan team got very close to winning the World Cup, and nothing at all about the French lost (no personal identity with the French at all).

anita

* Does the above qualify as what you wanted to talk about?… please let me know. I am not sure and I don’t want to not accommodate your preferred topics.

anita

Dear Farnaz:

Your LOLs make me smile! I guess falling snow in the city is not silent, but away from the city, it insulate such noise as far away traffic that otherwise you could hear.

“You couldn’t realize that time because you were a child and you thought this is your fault that your mother behaved like this“- for a young child, there is no solid self vs mother. Instead, there is a nothingness of sorts, as far as content goes, a blank page (self) that is facing a mirror (mother). Whatever the mother expresses is written into the blank page. So, if the mother expresses hate toward the child, the child’s blank page has this written on it, in bold, black print: I am hateful, I am deserving of hate (others’ and my own)!

“based on standards of society, mothers are always right“- this standard of society (that mothers are always right) are based on the early societal need to maintain order in the home (for mothers to be effective in the disciplining of their children), so that the men will be free to go outside and do what needs to be done to maintain the home (hunt, fish, grow crops, chop wood, fight an occasional enemy, etc.).

In my mother’s case, she knew she wasn’t right, in regard to me, but she didn’t mind it because she wasn’t aware of any consequence. Like she told me that one time (translated): I know that I am not right, but what are you going to do about it? You can’t go anywhere!

“I read somewhere and I quote ‘when you treat your kids badly they wouldn’t stop loving you, but they stop loving themselves’, and I think that was brilliant“- true, brilliantly said! When a parent treats the child badly, the child becomes desperate for love from the same source (the mistreating parent), and often, it becomes a lifelong, unsuccessful quest.

In regard to the realization that my mother didn’t love me, you asked: “I’m wondering if something particularly happened to you that led you to this realization“- at one point on, I realized in a deeper sense of realizing, that throughout my life, in one way or another, I chased my mother for love (see the desperation I mentioned right above). I was not only willing to do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING for her, I actually did anything and everything I was capable of doing with her hoped-for benefit in mind.

She was my Everything. And I realized, looking back, that I mistakenly believed that I was her everything (she told me so and… I needed to believe it). Replaying different scenes that I remember as a teenager and onward, I was able to clearly SEE that I was her LAST priority. I could see that she valued others while I was nothing to consider.  Example: before I said anything that she could hear, I thought to myself: how do I not hurt her by what I am thinking of saying, and how do I benefit her by what I say? She had no such consideration when she talked in my presence (to other people or to me).

anita

Dear Farnaz:

“I don’t feel good right now…I think I’m catching a cold, I’m so drowsy“-  last time I felt sick, I noticed that it spiked my anxiety level and I felt drowsy more from anxiety than the cold or flu (whatever it was, I didn’t test or see a doctor). So, I told myself to relax and the drowsiness feeling lifted.

“I’m so sorry for both of us, that was message, we are not worthy of love and worthy of hate“- I feel sad for the two of us as well. And I add: we are worthy of love, for crying out loud!

“As always, I’m impressed by your analysis, you are exactly right“- it always makes me feel good to read that my thinking/ analysis is right (when it is) because it is the opposite of my mother’s distressing message to me, which was that my thinking was WRONG, WRONG and WRONG (it still makes me angry to have received this message so many, MANY times!

“In absence of a man, the woman should be feared, apparently, only when man is not present. I’m a strong believer that anybody needs someone to check on him/her in any age, I’m not saying (this) in controlling or demeaning ways, but it’s in the nature of human beings to do nasty stuff when they think there are no  consequences“- I agree, it is human nature to abuse power, a tendency, an inclination: on a “small” scale (within the family) and on a bigger scale.

“In dysfunctional families  there is no boundaries and the parents can come and go and say whatever they want and change their opinions whenever they want… they can insult you , gaslight you and projecting their own insecurities on you , they do it because of many reasons including they think you are their properties, and second one, in my opinion, they think there is no consequence for their behavior“- exactly, I thoroughly agree. It is worthy for me to copy and boldface this truth.

“She was cornering you as my dad did; if someone was here to protect us, they wouldn’t dare to do it, did they?“- no, they wouldn’t, and indeed no one was there to protect their (living-and-breathing) PROPERTY! (I am angry this morning, so it seems!)

“Regarding your last 2 paragraphs , first, I’m so sorry for your experience, I can feel you and relate to you. It’s so heartbreaking to be and to do everything for someone and seeing them devalue it and abuse our needs. I repeated that pattern over and over in my life, I idolize someone when they only think of me as doormat“- thank you. Some people understand only power, when it comes to changing their behaviors: my mother stopped hitting me only when I literally stopped her by holding her hands in mine with enough power to stop her from moving toward me. Prior to that, my expressed pain didn’t stop her, my resignation and submissiveness didn’t stop her.

“But don’t you think that also relates to the fact that we are their properties, we have nowhere to go, and there is no one to protect us AND we were so needy of their kindness, and so desperate to see their good side, that we would forgive them instantly AND THEY KNEW IT. They knew they could do whatever they want with us, but not with others“- yes, I agree with all of this.

“The others were people. We weren’t“- The others had Power. We didn’t.

I hope to read soon about how you are feeling, and I wonder if you over-exercised yesterday?

anita

Dear Farnaz:

As I was reading the beginning of your post, about being sick with a bacterial infection, with two lol-s, it occurred to me: my mother would have never, ever.. never-ever-never-ever lol anything about her not feeling well. Instead of lol-s, there would be lots of woe-is-me, oh-how-terrible-is-my-life, poor me.. crying, wailing, complaining, accusing… oh, how I wished that I grew up with lol-s instead!

“Today is weekend here, and I stayed at home just drinking tea, milk and something like soup but with more stuff“- I like the more stuff in a soup!

“a%% holes, screw them, of course we are worthy of love, more than they do“- I LOVE your attitude!

“It’s crucial for a narcissistic parent to devalue your point of view: if you trust your feeling, you wouldn’t trust them, would you? So the main point is to make you feel crazy, that’s a very dirty plan, but essential for them to have control over you“- very well said. It is a very dirty and a very cruel plan because feeling crazy, particularly when you are NOT crazy, is a very distressing feeling.

“My dad and his wife.. they were invading my privacy, especially the wife, and my dad was making excuses for her, that was even worse than her actions, and when I said something, he was like, you are delusional, what people would think about you if you say that to them“- a dirty plan, an invasion of privacy, and a betrayal by both: a parent (including a step parent) is supposed to be on the side of the child who is in their care, not on the side of “what people would think” (which is what the parent think).

“During past weeks, I heard from some people around me that my step mom was talking about me because I didn’t reply to her calls and agreed to meet her in my new place, let alone having her invited to live with me for a while. I got very angry, not because her bad words, but for her delusion and grandiosity that she thinks I’m responsible for her loneliness and fear of darkness and whatever. I’m puzzled from all the people she has a relationship, I’m the one whom she expects to care about her, me, the one she enjoyed abusing, and turning my father against me. I felt like even this woman thinks I’m her property”-

– I will borrow your expression earlier in your post (with a change of pronoun) because it is very fitting here: she is an a%% hole, screw her!  (Or maybe better say: she is an a%% hole, don’t let her screw you any more than she already did!)

“Is there something wrong with me that let her believe she could stay in my life and somehow upset me“- no, like we talked about, it’s a matter of power: she- as a step mother, and with your father not protecting you- abused her power before and she intends to continue to do the same. Only she doesn’t have power over you anymore.. unless you let her have power over you.

“I think it’s holiday season in U.S. and in most countries, do you celebrate Hanukah?“- no, not at all. I don’t celebrate any holiday, except perhaps Thanksgiving (which is not a religious holiday) by having the customary foods for that holiday. As far as Hanukah though, the celebration (when I was a child) consisted of jelly filled handmade doughnuts (aka donuts), served once a year (during Hanukah). When I arrived to the U.S. and observed the multitude of donut stores with dozens of kinds of donuts (industrially produced), served every single day, all year long, I was astonished: all these donuts? I used to buy a dozen after 12 pm (half price) and eat them all. Eventually, the magic of the donut was lost.

I hope that you continue to recover this weekend! By the way, do you like donuts?

anita

Dear Farnaz:

It will be a pleasure for me to agree with you at any time that I agree with you, and there’s been lots of pleasure so far!

“That’s not surprising for me at all, my mom was basically looking forward for an opportunity to play a victim, and she enjoyed that, and she obviously thinking herself as better and more important than us. For example, if I said something that scared me to death, and made me so stressed, like a near accident, (she’d say:) I would die immediately, I wouldn’t survive that, as if it didn’t matter if that happened to me or to any other person“-

– Yes, only she (the mother) exists. There is no one else in the whole wide world but her, a victimized deity. She (the mother-deity) was born to have a superior, majestic life fitting her deity-ness, but alas: she received the short end of the stick… poor unacknowledged and mistreated deity!

“I ate (the soup) for you too, lol“- you must have left some in your plate because I am smelling and tasting it right now… delicious!

“I totally agree…  she definitely misses her power, she doesn’t know how she can reach me. When she (was) married to my dad, from the very beginning, I believe, she had a plan in her mind to make my life miserable, like Cinderella’s step mom, I guess, lol, but she was and still is so sneaky. She tried to cut my dad from me, then she tried to sabotage my education and mental health. She does it by being passive-aggressive… Screw her. I can imagine what she would say if she had a relationship with me or lives with me, in her dream of course. She would brag about her money… and she would have no boundaries and invade every inch of my space and do all crazy making stuff…  so again screw her, let her say anything she wants to say to drag me down in her eyes , nothing would change and she doesn’t have the power anymore, and screw everyone who believes her, I don’t need them“-

– this is the Farnaz that I grew to like a whole lot: I don’t need them, screw them all!

This step mother is like a teenager, 13, or 14, and an immature one, Stuck in a development age with a passive-aggressive, sneaky, gossipy, competitive and unintelligent personality, never to break free from it. I imagined for a moment being in your shoes, and this.. (not a lady) Lady Tremaine living with me, it wouldn’t have ended well, not for me and not for her… it’d be nightmare.

“I have a problem with food, I tend to eat emotionally, I gained 12 kilos after a hellish summer in Iran, when I had serious problems with my dad and his wife… I only eat sweets once a week and other days I eat dark chocolate“- talking about dark chocolate: for years I made my own very low calorie desserts-like using 100% dark chocolate cocoa powder (only 10 calories per tablespoon), adding the cocoa poweder as well as stevia/ monk fruit sugar (noncaloric natural sweeteners) to nonfat yogurt and such, no butter or oil added.

Congrats for losing 12 kilos. I used to emotionally eat on a pretty regular basis (I didn’t get to the hungry stage, so emotions were usually my motivation to eat). I never had a weight problem until I was your age: I gained 20 kilos or so, but lost it since.

“I admit I have the tendency to think he wasn’t at fault, and his wife would make life hell, but he enjoyed it, he definitely did“- when children grow up with two people, and one is bad, we tend to see the other as the good one, it’s the dichotomy of how children think.

Thanksgiving was a month ago, Nov 24 (I just googled it).

“There are too many shape and taste to choose from all the time?“- yes, true to donuts and to all foods (and true to all products) in the U.S.; don’t like it: I prefer way fewer choices because it’s easier to choose when you have fewer choices, and I don’t want to try e.x., all the many flavors of ice-cream and the many desserts.. too many calories and I don’t burn that many!

anita