Boyfriend's female friend situation

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This topic has 28 replies, 10 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 4 months ago by Carrie.

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July 10, 2014 at 8:25 pm #60603

Jane
Participant

Thanks in advance for reading. I have a sitution and wondering if this is something that I’m over thinking or worth the confrontation. My bf (together almost 2 yrs) has long time female friend who recently had a falling out with her bf where she had to move out suddenly and called on my man for help. We were at dinner one evening when he received the call that she needed a place to crash for a few days. I’ve met her before a few times so she’s not a stranger to me. I was ok with this initially, however she now she is completely out of that relationship and staying at his house full time. She works and has been actively looking for a place but nothing has fallen through yet. He gave her a month deadline…and well now its almost 2 months. I have limited my stay overs at his house during the week as its kinda of crowded in his studio apartment and plus honestly, its been bothering me and I havent said anything until the other day. I blow up on him although i know i shouldnt have, but it was just bottled up i guess. I later apologized and explained why I did so and that I was bothered that he never once asked if I was comfortable with the situation and / or a sorry about the situation etc. Should I be entitled to receive such from him? I would feel less angry if he would’ve just acknowledged my feelings somewhat from the start. I would do that for him so I feel I should receive that in return especially after all this time. After revealing my feelings he apologized yet he has been acting kind of distant almost as if he is angry at me. It saddens me that he is acting insensitive. Was I being too hasty? I dont feel so..

July 11, 2014 at 3:47 am #60613
Inky
Participant
Men like damsels in distress. **Also, the more time they spend with a person, the more they grow on them.** That’s why he seems angry or didn’t ask about your feelings. He honestly thinks there’s no issue.

You don’t live there, and you’re not the wife. You are just the girlfriend. He can do whatever he wants without your permission. This reality has crashed into you suddenly where before you could be happy and carefree.

At his end, after a month, she should start giving him rent. That would make it a lot better.

At your end you could have him stay at your place, or stay all the time. Maybe help the girl get that apartment or set her up with some other friends temporarily. Put some furniture or a lot of your stuff there so there is suddenly no room at the inn.

For both of you, now have an agreement that no members of the opposite sex can stay over. Too much jealousy.
- This reply was modified 10 years, 5 months ago by Inky.
July 11, 2014 at 4:08 am #60617

Anonymous
Inactive

@Jane, I would have reacted the same way I believe. You said, “I blow up on him although I know I shouldn’t have”, but why do you feel like you shouldn’t have? I think you were right to speak your mind and let him know how you feel, communication is important in a relationship! If another argument were to occur, I would ask him how he would feel if one of your male friends was staying at your place. I know some people would be totally okay with it, however I wouldn’t.

July 11, 2014 at 12:50 pm #60642

Jane
Participant

totally unrealistic Inky. “Put some furniture or a lot of your stuff there so there is suddenly no room at the inn.” Shall I move my couch there randomly one day? ha. Yes, Im not his wife and i dont pay rent but we are in a relationship. So gf/bf do are limited to what they can say or do? In that case there are many “friends” in the world! This is a respecting of my feelings thing. I would have the courtesy to ask him if hes ok with it so I am kind of angry that he didn’t and furthermore hes being insensitive to the whole situation now. Anyhow, I have thought enough about this whole ordeal and I cant make him feel what I want him to feel or act therefor I’m pulling away from the situation moving forth. I’ve said what I had to say and I’m kind of turned off by him now. I’m letting things fall as they may. Maybe this is the beginning of conflicting personalities.

July 11, 2014 at 12:56 pm #60643

Jane
Participant

@Emmanuelle Thanks for the reply and agreement. I guess im second guessing myself because he’s making me feel like I’m overreacting even though he didnt say – its his behavior. He’s been kinda quiet and distant which makes me return that towards him. I did ask him if it was my male friend staying with me and he said he would feel the same, but I feel he is just saying that. His apology didn’t feel sincere, more like an ear for me to vent. I guess I can see this as something I really need to take a second look at now because if he is acting this way then how will he deal with future situations you know? : |

July 11, 2014 at 5:01 pm #60649

Inky
Participant

My thing is when you’re dating, or gf/bf, you’re seeing what kind of person this is. Now you know that he will help a friend of the opposite sex and not consult you. So yeah, I’d be turned off too. I know you want it to come from him, but can you gently tell/help the friend that it’s time to move on? It also sounds like you don’t mind her, per se, but don’t need that energy. Maybe you yourself can move in with him once she’s gone? Maybe that’s what’s bothering you deep down?

July 11, 2014 at 6:10 pm #60651
Big blue
Participant
Hi Jane,

You certainly have been stressed about this, and you have some good advice already.

Her view: I’ve been close to needing a place to stay myself. If I were there I would be sure to leave at times so you and your bf could have alone time. And I’d say to you both how much I appreciate the helping hand. Maybe take you both to dinner or treat you two without me.

His view: I have women friends who I would let stay at my place to help them and not be attracted to them. Yes I know this is where Inky says “in theory,” but I could do it for sure especially having a gf. I would focus on you like always. Based on your blow up, I’d be wondering about your communication skills and would be irked that you think I would cheat on you or leave you.

Your view: I can see why you are bothered, but blowing up was not so good. I would be talking with him but also going about our lives as much as possible. I know – easier said then done when emotional. Why am I emotional..?

What is their chemistry like? No flirting right? They really are just friends? Look you two were a happy couple before this “teaching opportunity” presented itself. Why should you give up on him based on some big time awkwardness and discomfort? Where is your spirit for the “us” you have had with him? Sometimes people both move away when it would work if they just made the extra effort.

Big blue
- This reply was modified 10 years, 5 months ago by Big blue.
July 11, 2014 at 7:55 pm #60654

Intrepid
Participant

Jane,
I’ve been in a relationship for many years, and I have a couple of long time male friends that are very close to me. If they needed a place to stay or were in crisis I would help them and truthfully I don’t know if it would even occur to me check in with my partners feelings about the situation. After all a dear friend is in need, I would expect him to understand and be fully supportive. If he doesn’t trust me or has insecurities in our relationship then likely there is bigger problems then a friend staying with me. Another perspective could be a respect for the length he’ll go to care for his friends. I can relate to bottling up emotions until I blow up, (I think all women can!) but likely his distancing and not understanding your feelings is a result of your original point being lost in translation. He may also feel hurt, or attacked, or insulted. The 2 year mark is often a “make or break” time in relationships, and this is a situation where a ton of faith and trust is required. It may be unfair to decide that he’ll react this way in the future. Maybe you guys can use this as an opportunity to hone those communication skills and grow as a couple. Good, solid relationships take work, patience, and trust. Just my thoughts. I wish you the best

July 12, 2014 at 6:32 am #60681

Big blue
Participant

http://psychcentral.com/lib/stages-of-marriage/00019906

… Something about working things out, marriage may matter, but I’ve seen stages with or without…

July 12, 2014 at 11:27 am #60725

Teresa
Participant

I joined this forum JUST so I could respond to this thread….has anyone asked why this girl does not have any other friends ….as in gf…..to help her out? Red flag 1. Also, if I were in that situation, I would definitely make sure I acknowledged their relationship and honored them with space while I actively searched for my own situation. There is something called boundaries and it sounds like they need to be defined on all fronts!!! The fact she, or he, isn’t is red flag 2. Life is way too short for this bullshit!

July 12, 2014 at 3:10 pm #60735

Anonymous
Inactive

I couldn’t agree more, Teresa..!

July 12, 2014 at 6:20 pm #60737

Inky
Participant

I agree too but was too afraid to mention it. And what’s worse, he probably complained to her about the blow up. No wonder she doesn’t have female friends. Yikes.

July 12, 2014 at 8:04 pm #60743

@Jasmine-3
Participant

Thanks everyone. Very interesting insights and so many lessons to learn 🙂

Jane, you come across like a strong woman so I have no doubt that you will come out of this situation sane and sound. Every time I am in an unfavourable situation, I ask myself this: who is loosing out the most in this situation and how can I protect my sanity to move forward. I think you know the answer to this question.

Best wishes,

Jasmine

July 12, 2014 at 8:31 pm #60746

Jane
Participant

All great advice, thanks everyone. I’m trying to understand from everyone’s perspective I really am. I can’t help it and I especially don’t like what Im feeling. this has only started happening within the past week or so. I’ve maintained my cool and level of understanding this entire time – around a month or so. Inky – Yes, you can say you are correct perhaps deep down im upset because I’m not living with him. There is truth there. It is a bit of jealousy but some days I do understand and genuinely feel bad for her. I do respect him for having heart to help a friend, I think that is a great, but I just feel he didn’t take my thoughts into consideration. No, I don’t see any flirting however who knows when im not around? He walks around in his boxers sometimes and I jokingly teased him and he said “oh shes like family”. I guess. We all do get along fine, I feel comfortable with her alone and Ive even invited her out on occasions. Their agreement for payment to him is to buy food and clean up here and there… so she makes him breakfast and/or dinner. Im conflicted with how I should feel – Im unconformable yet im really trying to trust and have patience. Btw, thanks Teresa for joining to just reply 🙂

July 13, 2014 at 4:58 am #60759

Inky
Participant

Oh no, she’s cooking and cleaning? Not to be a Nervous Nell (yet again) but I would rather she pay half the rent than be on audition to be a housewife. If she moves, I’d be surprised. Gee, can I live there?? I’m not kidding, I’ve been cooking and cleaning longer than she’s been alive! What a sweet deal!

P.S. Don’t be conflicted about your feelings. Any and all feelings that come up are totally normal considering you’re in this obtuse situation.
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