Jane (@goodkarma1),

I’m not going to get into whether or not her staying there is OK or not. I personally believe in platonic relationships between men and women, but know that there are those who don’t believe them to be possible.

What I did notice though from your posts is that you hold back your thoughts, have expectations and assumptions and then all of a sudden it all unravels. Then you feel bad about it, apologise and now you’re holding back again and having assumptions about what he thinks and feels and have expectations on how he should behave. What you’re not doing is actually communicating with him directly all the time 🙂 It is never a good idea to assume, when you could just ask. It is not a good idea to just expect, but to not express what your needs are.

Men in general are eager to please women and help them out. His friend made it easy “I need help, can I stay at your place?” “Sure.” You, on the other hand, are kind of like a mystery wrapped in an enigma 🙂 You say that it’s OK, and then all of a sudden blow up, then take it back. I’m pretty sure he wants to please you and keep you happy, but he isn’t a mind reader. He has to go by what you’re directly communicating to him. Right now he has somehow managed to upset you, without a warning. That’s stressful.

This kind of reminds me of this old joke: http://imgur.com/6icZ3

Please note that I’m not dismissing how you feel. Just pointing out that he might not have a clue and you have to openly and honestly communicate your feelings and needs, way, way before you reach a breaking point.

OMG, I just had a personal breakthrough!!! No kidding! Maybe this will resonate with you!!

Why is it (I ask myself) that people (other women) can boundary bust, make inappropriate requests, go over our heads so to speak and ask our BFs/DHs first for favors…..

And then WE feel guilty for wanting to set boundaries.

And then God forbid that we DO set boundaries or say NO!!

**You see, they weren’t counting on this.** Then (OP, this hasn’t happened to you yet and I hope it never will) they make YOU the Bad Guy!!!

Background: I said “NO” to an old friend visiting a couple years ago because of some outrageous behavior. I did it the Old New England Way: “We’re busy that week! Maybe next time!” Long post worthy story, but it looks like she’s still trying to make me pay for it.

So don’t feel bad! Boundaries!! Sorry I just had to get this off my chest!

Hi The Ruminant,

I know. Honesty is the best policy. However, I was dealing with Crazy. It was “Get out Alive” and she was spoiling for a fight. Long story, might have to post soon about for mental sanity!!

Now that I’m past forty, I have little trouble saying “No.” When you don’t have an “excuse” there is social fallout. With my MIL (for a cousin-in-law’s grandchild’s far away baby shower type thing) I said, “Well, to be honest….. I just don’t want to!!” The sky threatened to fall. But she was too polite to say anything. The relatives were all a little chilly, but they will get over it.

Last month I said a stronger “NO” to a huge favor, and gave all the truthful reasons.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by Inky.

I love the “mind numbingly boring things women force other women to go through” thought. YES!!! Why do we do this to ourselves and each other?? And you know, The Ruminant, maybe I’m NOT an Introvert! Maybe I’m just a modern day Recluse! There can be a difference!! I don’t want counsin-in-law’s grandbaby’s far away baby showers. I don’t want Family Ministry committees. I don’t want email lists, FaceBook Events, RSVPS. I hate that stuff! I don’t even do XMas cards anymore! (How Unfeminine, I know.) In my next life I will be a clueless guy. I swear to God. Next life I will be fishing, hunting and farting happily ever after. Or whatever it is guys do. 😉

We are too Nice!

This is why we are so afraid of saying “NO”! Even to boundary busting BF’s female friends who have no female friends!! What are we afraid of???

We are afraid of being Too Much and Not Enough. But that is another post. I hope I didn’t Post Jack, but I feel it is all related!

When we say “No” we are a Bee-ach. Or “What’s our problem”?

Hello Jane!

I don’t think I would agree with things if I was in your situation. If you were to flip this situation around, would it be okay for you to have a male friend stay at your place and for you to walk around in your underwear in front of him? Would that be totally cool between your and your boyfriend if the situation was flipped? I don’t usually walk around in my underwear in front of my female friends, and well, I wouldn’t be doing it in front of a guy friend. If I’m purposely walking around in my underwear in front of a dude, it for sure isn’t because we’re “buds”. I do feel it can be tricky to be for men and women to be friends. I think sometimes (as everyone would know) one of them will be curious about the other.
I don’t feel this person you’ve been a girlfriend to is being completely honest with you. I do find it a little questionable that she would choose him instead of all of her other friends to stay with. I guess in my mind, I would wonder why she didn’t decide to go elsewhere. If I were to put myself in her position, I would probably find another place to stay because he’s got a girlfriend. And that would make things weird and I would feel that it would be disrespectful to stay at his place (especially even longer than intended) and expect to be all cool with the girlfriend. That’s crazy talk. I don’t think it’s totally unacceptable that you had a blow up. I would too! It’s a frustrating situation to be in when he’s not reacting or responding to how you think he should for the sake of your relationship with him while there’s there’s this other chick in his space. If he would not be cool with a dude staying at your place and you walking around in your underwear, then he should be able to understand why you got mad. You’re allowed to be mad, and you’re also allowed to know the truth if you think something more is happening.

Hi Jane,

You actually sound better. If I may say it, this might be because you are working through the process. Yes, I also analyze…and this is easier with dialog yielding more information and feelings shared. Taking most of the guesswork and stress out of the equation.

High five Jane! 🙂

Big blue

I know I am a little late to this, but your situation struck a chord with me. Beware of the warning signs. The cooking and the boxers are a cause for a concern, to me. Hopefully it is nothing, but it is better to know the truth. Best of luck to you!