Dear pinkiepops:

I understand part of you wants to “ignore (your) feelings and be with him just so he’s happy.”

But it is not a good plan and not doable. It would have been nice (???) if you could somehow multiply and make another one of you, be two pinkiepopses. One will live your life, taking into account your feelings, living with your self interest in mind and another you can then live for him, divorced from your feelings, there to please him and make him happy.

But there is only one of you, so you endure the sadness and the guilt and promise yourself to not put him through this again by not getting back together again. Make it clear to him that this is the end of the relationship with no possibility of getting back together. Then stand by your assertion, so he can move on.

anita

Hi Pinkie,

Although it’s hard, you know when it isn’t working. You just lose that “x-factor” and don’t look at the person the same way.

It’s incredibly painful, but better you break it off now then continue and do it in the future. When you know it’s not going to work, you just know.

You are not the one to comfort him in this situation. You need to give him space to heal and recreate his own life.

I also think if he’s as wonderful as you say, then you need to give him credit for being able to work through this eventually. Time just takes time. Sometimes we hurt people alone the way unintentionally. Love is vulnerability and opening yourself up. Heartbreaks are a universal experiences, and one day you will both just look back on this as part of growing up.

Best,
http://www.365daysofkindness.com

i know this is a late response, but wow, i relate to this so much..its such a painful thing to go through because this person was lovely and you know it COULD have worked but right now it just can’t. just keep going and reminding yourself of why you did it, some day it will become clear and you will understand you did the right thing. its a shitty shitty feeling but life is about pain and learning to go through it. i feel the same as you, so guilty and just want to contact him but its probably best not to 🙁 hang on in there, pm me if you need to x

It is said that the only thing more difficult than having your heart broken is to break the heart of someone you care about. On the other hand, if the love is not there anymore, keeping the person around is simply unfair for both of you. I mean, how much fun can it be dating someone who doesn’t love you?

he doesn’t have much in his life apart from me, doesn’t have many friends, still lives at home etc. I feel so rubbish and part of me wants to just ring him and get back with him, and ignore my feelings and be with him just so he’s happy. I literally can’t bear the thought of him being so sad

He has his family. He has a few friends. And most importantly he has himself. Not a very pleasant thing to say about someone you say you care about. You’re clearly not looking past your own self. Have you done anything to encourage him to move out? Make more friends? These are the things you find out about someone in the first few weeks and you either know it’s not a deal breaker or it is. You accept and help or you don’t and move on.

* Dear neng: If you are asking for the advice of the original poster of this thread thread, then this is the right place for you to post your request. If you want my reply/ other members’ replies/ advice, will you start your own thread? Copy your post above, then Click FORUMS, choose a CATEGORY: RELATIONSHIPS, click Relationships, go down the page and paste the above. See you there.
anita

Dear pinkiepops,

We’ve all been here. I myself wrote a very similar post not so long ago. I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost two years and compared to my experience with past relationships, he was the best one. All around, he’s a great guy, and that’s outside of me. When problems would arise between us, as they often still do (complicated,) I would think to myself “Is it me? Are my expectations too high? Am I just not being more understanding?” I’m an adventurous soul, I too, rarely say no when given an opportunity for excitement. However, my boyfriend is not like that and yes it has caused some small arguments throughout the relationship. Just recently in fact, I decided to take a break from my boyfriend in order to refocus on myself. I was feeling unappreciated and starting to think that he just thought I would be here for him for forever. It was hard, I love him and to see him hurting like that really did just make me want to throw in the towel and take him back, but I couldn’t and you can’t. Sometimes we get so caught up in this epic idea of love and the lust of a new relationship that we forget about everything else and that is completely okay. I’m here to assure you that if you’re already feeling that after a couple of months.. that’s not a feeling that’s going to go away. For me personally, my issue was that I wasn’t communicating with my boyfriend enough when I was feeling unappreciated or disappointed. If you feel communication is the issue between you two then it is possibly something that can be worked on. But I’ve had that “my heart’s not in it feeling” and if that’s what it is for you, then as hard as it may be, you can’t change that. We’re human. We’re here to learn from each other. I agree with Nina, you can’t fight what you feel. You can’t just settle and that’s okay. It doesn’t make you harsh. It doesn’t mean bad karma is going to come your way. The best thing you can do for someone is be truthful. It’s selfish to hold on if your heart’s not there and you’ll end up truly hurting the both of you. I’ve experienced this. Maybe not in the same way. He may be a great guy, but he just may not be that great guy for you. It’s hard. I’ve been here. But your happiness comes first and believe me, you’ll know when you’ve met the one that has your heart in it.