July 15, 2021 at 8:37 pm #382966
* Dear Sam: I will read and reply to you in about 13 hours from now.
anitaJuly 16, 2021 at 9:54 am #382975
You shared that you had an 11-year relationship with a man (let’s refer to him as M1). Four years into the relationship, you and M1 bought a house together and “absolutely transformed the place”. For many years you wanted to marry him, hinting, but he was not ready.
A few months ago, you broke up with M1 because you felt disrespected, because he “had a wondering eye” (although you are not aware of him ever having sex with another woman while in the 11 years), and because he spent too much time “on his phone or PlayStation or Xbox”.
A week or two before you moved out, and into your mother’s home- a man you met previously at work, M2, got in touch with you. After you moved into your mother’s, you an M2 chatted more and more, and you are currently seeing him “very regularly”. M2 makes you feel very special.
M1 recently contacted you, wanting “another go at making it work”. You are now conflicted: will it be M1 or M2?
1) Notice what you wrote about M1: “(he) was never there for me, never wanted to talk to me he was always on his phone or PlayStation or Xbox”-
– You know that it is not true that he was never there for you, that he never wanted to talk to you, and that he was always on his phone etc. We tend to exaggerate. What you meant, I imagine, is that he was not there for you enough, that he didn’t want to talk to you as often as you wanted to talk to him, and that you felt that he spent too much time on his phone, etc.
Let’s look at what M2 told you: “he went to explain how he always wanted to be with me from the moment he seen me.. he’s also said before getting with his ex and having a child he wanted me first and it’s always been me”-
– People exaggerate: I doubt that he always wanted to be with you, uninterruptedly ever since the moment he saw you for the first time. The two of you “had not spoken in so many years”, and unless he did not date and had no relationships during those many years- it was not always you.
Let’s look at what else he told you: “he literally said he would do absolutely anything for me”-
– How long did it take him to say these 7 words: I-will-do-absolutely-anything-for-you ?, and how much physical effort, persistence, and patience did it take? I am not suggesting that he lied to you. What I am saying is that to actually do-anything-for-you takes a whole lot more than articulating 7 words.
” (he) always says if we ever end up together he’s won the lottery”- not a great analogy because most people who won the lottery (so I read) went on to waste it.
2) I suggest that you don’t get locked into the idea that you have to choose between the two: M1 or M2. Consider that there is an M3 you didn’t meet yet, and an M4, etc. If you get locked into the idea that you have to choose between the two, you are unnecessarily limiting yourself, and are more likely to ignore possible significant disadvantages in ending up with any one of the two.
* Would you like to elaborate on the marriage issue, I didn’t quite understand: you are very interested in getting married (?) What is M1’s past and current position on marriage, and what is M2’s past and current position on marriage?
anitaJuly 18, 2021 at 7:12 am #383031TeaKParticipant
you say about your boyfriend:
I really love him as a person, he’s been in my life so long
but you also say:
a lack of respect for me, had a wondering eye, never physically cheated as far as I’m aware! But was never there for me, never wanted to talk to me he was always on his phone or PlayStation or Xbox.
I did talk to him about this, he tried to change but it still wasn’t enough, he just tried to buy me instead of actually listening and being there for me.
I wanted to marry him for so long but he didn’t at the time apparently wanted to make it special (10 years though)
A lack of respect for you and the fact that he was never (or rarely) there for you would be a good enough reason to break up and not to marry this guy. You say you were hinting all the time that you want to get married, but he didn’t seem to pick up the message. It appears to me that you were afraid to express your needs and were tolerating a rather unacceptable behavior. Could it be because you don’t value yourself enough?August 19, 2021 at 12:43 pm #385005
i am 16, and i dated this guy this year from february till june. he was amazing, and nothing wrong about him. i would not change a thing about him. he was so sweet, kind, talkative, very funny, helpful, amazing, and most of all, a good boyfriend. his friends were my friends. me and his friends would play xbox everyday together. we would see each other at school, and everything. it was perfect. until the middle of may, me and my old crush became really good friends. i was tempted to do stuff, but he kept flirting and sending pictures. i finally got convinced by his threats and stupid words, and i sent a picture that wasn´t the best, it wasn’t a full on nude, it was just a little bit. the last day of school, the night after, my mom found out and made me tell my boyfriend. he came over, i told him, he hugged me and was pretty mad, and he came back the next day, and broke up with me. then, 6 days later, he came back and we got back together. we was together for 3 weeks, and he dumped me again. he said he could not live with the fact that i cheated. it hurt me knowing he was hurt. he never cries, but when he left the first time, he was wiping tears from his eyes as he was leaving. he was so hurt, but he loved me so much. it made me cry every night because of my stupid decision. we broke up for the final time on the night of june 25th, and every day since then, i have thought about him. my school started monday, and i have seen him everyday at breakfast sitting with his friends, and i remember sitting there last school year. it brought back memories, but oh well. now there was this kid in my gym class. and in may, we became very good friends. he developed a major crush on me. like it was noticeable, and he told me. he fell in love with me, and he is very cute, and very sweet, but i had a boyfriend. so i just kept our friendship, maybe i flirted a little back, but yeah. now, i am started to have feelings for the new guy. we was sitting together at breakfast today, and my ex passed us and he looked at me in a way he knew i would hurt, he did that several times. i still want to be with my ex, what should i do ?August 19, 2021 at 1:23 pm #385024
* Dear natalee:
“what should I do?“- I say: (1) Make a promise to yourself to never again send nude photos online (full or partial) .. to anyone! (2) Make another promise to yourself: to never again cheat on a boyfriend in any way, and (3) Talk to your ex, apologize (again) to him for having flirted with the old crush and having sent that photo. Tell him how much you regret it and that you promised yourself #1 and #2 above. Then ask him how he feels about you. After he answers you, tell him that you want to continue talking the day after. During this break from talking, think about your next move. If you want, you can post here again, let me know what he said, and we can discuss it further.
anitaAugust 20, 2021 at 4:58 am #385036
dear anita, okay, thank you so much. i appreciate it. i tried apologizing a week before school, but he just didn’t want to hear it. but he looked at me today and it felt like the old times. i saw this last night and then today i went up to him to apologize again, and he looked at me and said ¨its okay¨ before i even got the words out¨. he just knew what i was gonna say, so what should i do now ? try to fix things, or try it out with the new guy ?August 20, 2021 at 7:11 am #385041
“he looked at me today and it felt like the old times“- it felt to you like old times, but maybe it didn’t feel this way to him. Sometimes a girl only imagines that a guy feels love for her, or has a loving interest in her. She sees the guy’s eyes, the way he looks at her.. and imagines that he feels what she wants him to feel. But sometimes it’s only the imagination of the girl. This is why it is important to not make choices based on what you only imagine to be true.
You can tell him something like: I saw you looking at me the other day and it seemed to me like you were thinking about getting back together. I could’ve been wrong, was I wrong? Then listen to him: maybe he wants to get back together with you, maybe part of him wants to and part of him doesn’t. Maybe he does not at all want to get back together with you.
Be careful to not hurt your ex in the same way: get back together with him, but still interested in the new guy.. ending up flirting with the new guy and hurting your ex yet again.
anitaAugust 20, 2021 at 8:16 am #385045
oh okay, i am just so confused. i would never hurt jessi the way i did the first time. i want him back so much. it is hurting me so much inside. his friends are still friends with me, which makes like no sense, but it is whatever. i just don’t know what to do. i love him, i want him, it is no one else, and even the new guy, knows i am not ready. the new guy gave me a hug today, and it didn’t feel like when jessi gave me a hug. i just am so lost.
nataleeAugust 20, 2021 at 8:36 am #385047
Then talk to your ex, ask him what you need to ask him so that you have the information you need (what he feels for you, what he thinks of you, what he wants from you, if anything).
“I am just so confused“- if you ask for and receive the information that you need, you will no longer be confused. Can you ask him questions in an email, or in-person?
anitaAugust 20, 2021 at 8:38 am #385048
okay i will. i see him in the hallway after next period. and i am sorry, i am a very confusing person btw. and i can ask him in person, or even text message, we still follow each other on instagram and number, and even xbox.
nataleeAugust 20, 2021 at 8:44 am #385049
I imagine it will be scary for you to ask him, not knowing what his answers will be, and even if he answers.
When you ask him, he might feel too stressed/ uncomfortable to think clearly and answer you. It will probably be better that you don’t ask him any serious questions in the hallway because it is not a private setting and he might be focused on where he is going next.
You can tell him in the hallway that you want to ask him a few questions that are very important to you, and ask him for some private time (in a corner in the cafeteria, let’s say, or outside school) so that you can ask him these questions.
anitaAugust 20, 2021 at 8:50 am #385050
it is very scary, i am scared, but i will do that about alone time. he did mention before we broke up, that if we ever did, he would want to be the friends with benefits type ? which like what if he tries to make a move or ?August 20, 2021 at 8:54 am #385051
I figured it is very scary for you to ask him questions, but if you manage to do what’s scary- you will feel so much better about yourself, you will feel courageous!
I don’t think that you are interested in being friends with benefits with him, are you?
anitaAugust 20, 2021 at 1:30 pm #385072
i am kind of interested, is that okay ?August 20, 2021 at 2:02 pm #385073
To answer your question I need to know:
(1) By friends with benefits you mean that the two of you have sex with each other, and with other people: him with other girls, you- with other guys? And if so, will you be okay with it?
(2) If you go into a FWB relationship with him, will you be hoping that over time he will want to be your boyfriend and have a monogamous bf-gf relationship with you?