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Can't choose between an ex and a new guy

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  • This topic has 16 replies, 15 voices, and was last updated 2 weeks ago by TeaK.
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  • #382966
    anita
    Participant

    * Dear Sam: I will read and reply to you in about 13 hours from now.

    anita

    #382975
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sammii:

    You shared that you had an 11-year relationship with a man (let’s refer to him as M1). Four years into the relationship, you and M1 bought a house together and “absolutely transformed the place”. For many years you wanted to marry him, hinting, but he was not ready.

    A few months ago, you broke up with M1 because you felt disrespected,  because he “had a wondering eye” (although you are not aware of him ever having sex with another woman while in the 11 years), and because he spent too much time “on his phone or PlayStation or Xbox”.

    A week or two before you moved out, and into your mother’s home- a man you met previously at work,  M2, got in touch with you. After you moved into your mother’s, you an M2 chatted more and more, and you are currently seeing him “very regularly”. M2 makes you feel very special.

    M1 recently contacted you, wanting “another go at making it work”. You are now conflicted: will it be M1 or M2?

    My thoughts:

    1) Notice what you wrote about M1: “(he) was never there for me, never wanted to talk to me he was always on his phone or PlayStation or Xbox”-

    – You know that it is not true that he was never there for you, that he never wanted to talk to you, and that he was always on his phone etc. We tend to exaggerate. What you meant, I imagine, is that he was not there for you enough, that he didn’t want to talk to you as often as you wanted to talk to him, and that you felt that he spent too much time on his phone, etc.

    Let’s look at what M2 told you: “he went to explain how he always wanted to be with me from the moment he seen me.. he’s also said before getting with his ex and having a child he wanted me first and it’s always been me”-

    – People exaggerate: I doubt that he always wanted to be with you, uninterruptedly ever since the moment he saw you for the first time. The two of you “had not spoken in so many years”, and unless he did not date and had no relationships during those many years- it was not always you.

    Let’s look at what else he told you: “he literally said he would do absolutely anything for me”-

    – How long did it take him to say these 7 words: I-will-do-absolutely-anything-for-you ?, and how much physical effort, persistence, and patience did it take? I am not suggesting that he lied to you. What I am saying is that to actually do-anything-for-you takes a whole lot more than articulating 7 words.

    ” (he) always says if we ever end up together he’s won the lottery”- not a great analogy because most people who won the lottery (so I read) went on to waste it.

    2) I suggest that you don’t get locked into the idea that you have to choose between the two: M1 or M2. Consider that there is an M3 you didn’t meet yet, and an M4, etc. If you get locked into the idea that you have to choose between the two, you are unnecessarily limiting yourself, and are more likely to ignore possible significant disadvantages in ending up with any one of the two.

    * Would you like to elaborate on the marriage issue, I didn’t quite understand: you are very interested in getting married (?) What is M1’s past and current position on marriage, and what is M2’s past and current position on marriage?

    anita

    #383031
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Sammii,

    you say about your boyfriend:

    I really love him as a person, he’s been in my life so long

    but you also say:

    a lack of respect for me, had a wondering eye, never physically cheated as far as I’m aware! But was never there for me, never wanted to talk to me he was always on his phone or PlayStation or Xbox.

    I did talk to him about this, he tried to change but it still wasn’t enough, he just tried to buy me instead of actually listening and being there for me.

    I wanted to marry him for so long but he didn’t at the time apparently wanted to make it special (10 years though)

    A lack of respect for you and the fact that he was never (or rarely) there for you would be a good enough reason to break up and not to marry this guy. You say you were hinting all the time that you want to get married, but he didn’t seem to pick up the message. It appears to me that you were afraid to express your needs and were tolerating a rather unacceptable behavior. Could it be because you don’t value yourself enough?

     

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