July 13, 2017 at 8:40 am #157874veronikurrParticipant
Me and my boyfriend have been together for about 5 years. He is the love of my life and to this day I love him very much and regret not being able to resolve our issues when we were together. We split up and got back together 3 times during that period. Then in January I ended things with him for the 4<sup>th</sup> and last time, but hoping that maybe in a years’ time our paths would cross again. But I also appreciated that if they don’t then that’ll be fine too. After all a break up is a break up for a reason…
Over the past 7 months since we split up, I took some time out from partying, I started cycling, getting into various hobbies, eating healthy, making new friends, meditating… looking after myself. I knew I needed to be strong inside and out if I was going to ever get through this break up. I allowed myself to grieve and I chose not to date anyone until I was ready. I didn’t want to distract myself from the recovery path that I was on.
At the same time I realised that I could’ve given him so much more than I did during our 5 years together. I wanted to make amends and I missed him. We spent a few nights together during that 7 month break up period. In the end started convincing him to sit down and talk with me about whether we could try again in a few months’ time. Meanwhile I also realised that I was ready to date other people. So, recently I met this really lovely guy and we hit it off straight away. We have the same mentality, similar characters, we talk for hours on end, share similar likes…. I am quite smitten with him but also I think that there isn’t a future for us. We’ve only been seeing eachother for 4 weeks casually and we both agreed that we’re not ready for anything serious.
Whilst that’s been happening my ex came back to me and said that he’d like to hang out with me more to see if we still have a connection and perhaps maybe we can try again at a later date. Basically everything I wanted. Except that I am besotted by this other guy. So now I don’t know whether to choose my ex: a person I love, who will provide me everything a life partner will – love, compassion, kindness, security, family. Or someone new: a person I could perhaps love one day, someone who is like me, with whom I share great times, an intellectual connection, and who makes me feel good. Downsides to my ex: he’s very insecure and I’ve always found that a very hard thing to live with – something which essentially lead to the demise of our relationship. He also has a very negative perception of me as a person, based on who I was 5 years ago. He’s quite egotistical and thinks that I can’t match him intellectually, which makes me feel inferior. I worry he’s incapable of change.
Downsides to the new guy: he’s not sure what he wants.
Downsides to me: I’m not sure what I want. It feels like I spent so long trying to get my ex back and now that I have him I’m not sure if that’s what I want.
I love the fact that with the new guy I feel like we’re equals, we have fun together, and he’s quite affectionate which I love. He’s honest and I feel he’s the kind of person who would fight for me.
But with my ex there is so much history there and also I want a chance to rectify my mistakes from the past 5 years. I know that we could be happy again. He makes me feel safe and we have a physical connection which is still there to this day. We can’t talk like we used to but that could be fixable (?)
One guy gives me everything the other can’t and I know that the best way would be to leave them both and just focus on finding someone who completes the full picture. But it’s easier said than done, I’m already invested in both (to some extent).
I’m also worried that if I get back with my ex it ends up being just like before and I’ll end up regretting my decision. I don’t trust him yet, to be able to change his certain behaviours towards me. But also I don’t see a future with the new guy beyond a few months and I’m worried I’ll fall for him and he’ll hurt me.
Any advice would be much appreciated.July 13, 2017 at 11:44 am #157924coconutParticipant
It depends on what you want. I must say you’re kinda lucky to be in this position…to have 2 guys to choose from: your ex with whom you had a stable relationship and a new guy who shows you affection and is honest.
I know what is like to be an insecure person and it’s really hard.
It seems like you want to fix some issues and prove to him some things, to see if he has changed for the better or at least that he really tries for real… You’re not sure what to choose because neither of them offers you a certainty. It’s kinda early for the new guy to think of a future with you… I think you’re more sure of your ex cause you have some history together…
But your ex didn’t tell you he really wants to get back together.. he wants to see you and see if you could be together again… You can talk to both of them at the same time for a short period of time considering that neither of them is really committed to you and I think that’s how you can decide…July 14, 2017 at 8:42 am #158070RoxParticipant
Just from reading what you wrote- If I were you, I would date the new guy. You know why? Because if you actually loved your ex boyfriend, there would be no new guy. Love is not confusing-it is simply. My sister dated her now husband for 8 years prior to getting married. When they would break up, she would date other guys but in her heart, she always loved her now husband-that was never questionable. So do you see what I mean? If you truly loved your ex, this would not be an issue.
Wishing you the best!
RoxNovember 27, 2017 at 12:28 pm #179591NidhiParticipant
Hi… I m really confused and dont know whom to talk to..I hope you can help me out till some extent. I have been dating a guy for past 7 years. He was already married when i 1st met him and has a 2 year old kid. We have 10 years of age difference. His marrige was not working out and he was already planning to get divorced and also he and his wife were not staying together but his wife used to come once in a while to his place along wit the kid. His name is Raj. So the thing is, intially everythng was fine between us but as time passed by, I started feeling insecure becoz he started lying to me about his whereabouts , reason was he was nt yet divorced and i used to get very upset when evr his wife used to come n visit him. We used fight over it and I used to say things to him to hurt him so that he will feel the pain which I was going through.
I knew that he loved me and there was nothing left between him and his wife yet i jus coulnt stand it. Years went by and we broke up many times in tat period. After a while he left for dubai and we hardly spoke, nt like we completely stopped talkng but ya it ised to b a causal friends talk. The thing is Raj knows me better than any1 else. With him i dnt have to think before i speak. I can say any damn thing and i know that he wont judge me.
Then I met one guy last year in December. He is a very nice person. It started with friendship and one fine day he prososed me n I said Yes. I was feeling sad and i think i rushed. Now our families are also involved.
Now for past couple of months i am finding it very difficult to cope up wit this whole thing. Raj is still there in me and i know that i wont b able to love anyone ever the way i love Raj but I dont want to hurt this other guy as well. I dont know what to do or how to say No or whom to say no to. On the other hand Raj wants a second chance. I dnt know what to do. Please suggest.January 10, 2018 at 7:48 am #185889Cruise.Participant
Hi. I had been in a relationship with a wonderful person for 2 years. We started fighting a lot over the petty things. I also had a friend of 7 years as support. I broke up with my ex and immediately got into a relationship with my friend. However I started missing my ex and have to see him everyday in college. I really feel guilty and miss him. However my friend is a very sweet guy and has a lot of patience and is ready to do everything for me even wait. I recently talked to my ex and he says he can’t talk to me because he will lose his friends if he talks. I was involved in him deeply the other guy convinces me everyday to move forward with him and I really am happy when I am with him. Please tell me a way out I am veryyyy confusedJuly 6, 2018 at 8:53 am #215653NikiParticipant
Hi. I was in relationship with this amazing guy that cared a lot about me and truly loved me. While we dated I was best friends with a guy, that I understand now, who was flirting me. After 4 months into the relationship my boyfriend decided to broke up with me. He said summer was coming and he wouldn’t have wifi and plus we argued lately. I just let him go cause we would always talk about how we would break up after some time cause this year is gonna be the last year we live in the place where we at. We are both moving next summer and we wanted to have fun..bein single. I really missed him so I tried to do everything to get him back. Right now he is in his country so I couldn’t do a lot. After a few weeks he started testing me and yesterday he told me still has feelings for me and would do anything to get him back. I was so happy bc thats what I always wanted but the problem is that while we had broken up (1 month ) this guy and me started texting A LOT. He really understands me and he cares about me. He told me he seriously likes me because I make him happy. Before knowing my ex would come back I was flirting with him and I started to develop feelings. Yesterday I explain him the situation with my ex and he didn’t take it good. He got kinda mad and told me that my ex hurt me and that while he was single he did a lot of things with other girls….which I already knew. I told him to give me a day to decide what to do. The thing is that my ex told me 2 weeks ago that he is moving NOW..like in one month. I still don’t think he will though even though he says he 100% will. Who should I choose? The guy that hurt me but regrets everything and still loves me, while he had really good past together but is most likely moving in a month, or the new guy that makes me happy and cares about me and is staying as long as I am for sure?
Please someone answer quietly because I don’t have any time left.May 11, 2019 at 7:02 pm #293287WendykhileParticipant
Hi Girls, same thing. After 4 years , great guy , family wasn’t great and work etc. but now moved abroad after holiday and met new guy. My x came back! New , improved according to my mother etc changes has been made and family has been put in place and wants to marry. EtcBut disappointing new guy( looking to marry later) , his family and his son.
How has chosen a path for one or the other?
God knows but i dontMay 13, 2019 at 1:21 am #293465veronikurrParticipant
Did you say you moved abroad? Where is your ex now? Has he said anything about wanting to be with YOU? How long have you been with he new guy?
You might need to let us know a bit more details.
Just FYI about my situation from when i wrote the original post – 2 years in and so much has happened. I’d sacked off both guys and went on holiday with my bestie. I had the best holiday romance which cemented my move on from my ex and my “casual” other guy. I really enjoyed life for the past 2 years like i haven’t done in many years before then. I’m not with a beautiful woman who is my best friend and truly the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I’d be interested to find out how the other ladies resolved their situations.
Here to help!May 16, 2019 at 4:31 pm #294197OlehParticipant
If you are playing with two guys at the same time it’s not gonna end well.
So my advice for you just stop doing shit and choose wisely!March 24, 2020 at 12:27 pm #344936RituParticipant
I was in a relationship with a guy since last 8 years. but I am in touch with him till today. Two years back another guy came in my life, I started liking him bt I was dating first guy also. Then I broke up wih first guy and started dating second guy. First guy is like i want to be with u..come back.. Both of them love me alot. The only difference which I foud between them is with first guy, watever was our issues he used to sort out wd me nd second guy he abuse me infront of his frnd. Just help me in choosing between twoDecember 30, 2020 at 7:00 pm #371912YourstrulyParticipant
@veronikurr, I want to know what you finally did,who you chose and if it worked out fine. I am in tje exact similar position
Your advice is mucj appreciated !January 11, 2021 at 10:05 am #372584OiParticipant
I need help 😔 My ex cheated on me but he was drunk and we went thru a rough breakup but he just texted me recently to apologize. I still have feelings for him but im talking to someone new. I don’t know if I like this new guy or if I’m just clinging on to the comfort but I wanna choose my ex because I believe that he means what he says when he apologized but in the back of my head im scared .I also don’t wanna break the new guys heart 🥺. I really don’t know whats the right choice here. Oh I dated my ex for a year and a half and the new guy gave me a couple red flags already.January 11, 2021 at 10:13 am #372598anitaParticipant
* Dear Oi:
If you want to, you can start your own thread by going to Forums above, choosing a Category, clicking that category (Relationships) and scrolling down the page. In your thread, take your time and elaborate on (1) your previous relationship: share more about that “rough breakup”, the context of his cheating, and about your and his roles in regard to the problems in the relationship, and (2) about the new relationship: how long has it been and what are those “couple of red flags”?
anitaMay 18, 2021 at 8:16 pm #380065SweetyParticipant
What you have done now? I am in same situation as urs..July 15, 2021 at 5:30 pm #382931SammiiParticipant
Hi I’m in the same situation, was with my ex short of 11 years, we brought a house together 7 years ago, absolutely transformed the place, I found it very difficult but I decided to call it a few months ago, due to a lack of respect for me had a wondering eye, never physically cheated as far as I’m aware! But was never there for me, never wanted to talk to me he was always on his phone or PlayStation or Xbox, I had doubts about our relationship for at least a year or two, I did talk to him about this, he tried to change but it still wasn’t enough, he just tried to buy me instead of actually listening and being there for me, just a week or two before me moving back to my mums a guy I had met 9 years at my workplace got in touch, this I was very surprised about because we had not spoken in so many years, as far as I knew he had a child and probably was married but turns out he wasn’t married, but did have a child, he went to explain how he always wanted to be with me from the moment he seen me but because I was in a relationship at the time, did not say anything, we started to chat more more then when I moved back to my mums I thought why not, so I went to meet this guy, I do see him very regularly, he is absolutely lovely, so caring, a great dad, between us there is so much passion something I have never had before with anyone else, he literally said he would do absolutely anything for me, always says if we ever end up together he’s won the lottery, he’s also said before getting with his ex and having a child he wanted me first and it’s always been me, but I just wasn’t available, now since being at my mums, my ex has now realised where he has gone wrong and wants to have another go at making it work, I really love him as a person, he’s been in my life so long, but now I’m a predicament that I don’t know what to do, even when me and my ex got together never felt that good as apposed to now how the new guy makes me feel, he hasn’t brought me out yet of the house, my ex I wanted to marry him for so long but he didn’t at the time apparently wanted to make it special (10 years though 🙄) just felt so drained by hinting all the time, I’m quite traditional in the sense I wanted him to do it, but I’m not sure he will ever change his ways, it’s really sad because my ex I didn’t want it to come to This because I truly at one point loved him so much I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but now this new guy has made me feel so special I really don’t know anymore, because I don’t enjoy stringing two people on it’s not fair because they both say they love me, I feel like the new guy it’s such a risk because I could risk losing everything I’ve ever worked for but if I end it with new guy and things don’t change with my ex I will always wonder, please can I have some advice or similar situations
I really don’t take any pleasure from potentially hurting someone’s feelings but I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place at the minute , thank you in advance and thanks for taking the time to read this