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Can't choose between an ex and a new guy

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This topic contains 8 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by  Oleh 3 months ago.

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  • #157874

    veronikurr
    Participant

    Me and my boyfriend have been together for about 5 years. He is the love of my life and to this day I love him very much and regret not being able to resolve our issues when we were together. We split up and got back together 3 times during that period. Then in January I ended things with him for the 4<sup>th</sup> and last time, but hoping that maybe in a years’ time our paths would cross again. But I also appreciated that if they don’t then that’ll be fine too. After all a break up is a break up for a reason…

    Over the past 7 months since we split up, I took some time out from partying, I started cycling, getting into various hobbies, eating healthy, making new friends, meditating… looking after myself. I knew I needed to be strong inside and out if I was going to ever get through this break up. I allowed myself to grieve and I chose not to date anyone until I was ready. I didn’t want to distract myself from the recovery path that I was on.

    At the same time I realised that I could’ve given him so much more than I did during our 5 years together. I wanted to make amends and I missed him. We spent a few nights together during that 7 month break up period. In the end started convincing him to sit down and talk with me about whether we could try again in a few months’ time. Meanwhile I also realised that I was ready to date other people. So, recently I met this really lovely guy and we hit it off straight away. We have the same mentality, similar characters, we talk for hours on end, share similar likes…. I am quite smitten with him but also I think that there isn’t a future for us. We’ve only been seeing eachother for 4 weeks casually and we both agreed that we’re not ready for anything serious.

    Whilst that’s been happening my ex came back to me and said that he’d like to hang out with me more to see if we still have a connection and perhaps maybe we can try again at a later date. Basically everything I wanted. Except that I am besotted by this other guy. So now I don’t know whether to choose my ex: a person I love, who will provide me everything a life partner will – love, compassion, kindness, security, family. Or someone new: a person I could perhaps love one day, someone who is like me, with whom I share great times, an intellectual connection, and who makes me feel good. Downsides to my ex: he’s very insecure and I’ve always found that a very hard thing to live with – something which essentially lead to the demise of our relationship. He also has a very negative perception of me as a person, based on who I was 5 years ago. He’s quite egotistical and thinks that I can’t match him intellectually, which makes me feel inferior. I worry he’s incapable of change.

    Downsides to the new guy: he’s not sure what he wants.

    Downsides to me: I’m not sure what I want. It feels like I spent so long trying to get my ex back and now that I have him I’m not sure if that’s what I want.

    I love the fact that with the new guy I feel like we’re equals, we have fun together, and he’s quite affectionate which I love. He’s honest and I feel he’s the kind of person who would fight for me.

    But with my ex there is so much history there and also I want a chance to rectify my mistakes from the past 5 years. I know that we could be happy again. He makes me feel safe and we have a physical connection which is still there to this day. We can’t talk like we used to but that could be fixable (?)

    One guy gives me everything the other can’t and I know that the best way would be to leave them both and just focus on finding someone who completes the full picture. But it’s easier said than done, I’m already invested in both (to some extent).

    I’m also worried that if I get back with my ex it ends up being just like before and I’ll end up regretting my decision. I don’t trust him yet, to be able to change his certain behaviours towards me. But also I don’t see a future with the new guy beyond a few months and I’m worried I’ll fall for him and he’ll hurt me.

    Any advice would be much appreciated.

    #157924

    coconut
    Participant

    It depends on what you want. I must say you’re kinda lucky to be in this position…to have 2 guys to choose from: your ex with whom you had a stable relationship and a new guy who shows you affection and is honest.

    I know what is like to be an insecure person and it’s really hard.

    It seems like you want to fix some issues and prove to him some things, to see if he has changed for the better or at least that he really tries for real… You’re not sure what to choose because neither of them offers you a certainty. It’s kinda early for the new guy to think of a future with you… I think you’re more sure of your ex cause you have some history together…

    But your ex didn’t tell you he really wants to get back together.. he wants to see you and see if you could be together again… You can talk to both of them at the same time for a short period of time considering that neither of them is really committed to you and I think that’s how you can decide…

    #158070

    Rox
    Participant

    Hi,

    Just from reading what you wrote- If I were you, I would date the new guy. You know why? Because if you actually loved your ex boyfriend, there would be no new guy. Love is not confusing-it is simply. My sister dated her now husband for 8 years prior to getting married. When they would break up, she would date other guys but in her heart, she always loved her now husband-that was never questionable. So do you see what I mean? If you truly loved your ex, this would not be an issue.

    Wishing you the best!

    Rox

    #179591

    Nidhi
    Participant

    Hi… I m really confused and dont know whom to talk to..I hope you can help me out till some extent. I have been dating a guy for past 7 years. He was already married when i 1st met him and has a 2 year old kid. We have 10 years of age difference. His marrige was not working out and he was already planning to get divorced and also he and his wife were not staying together but his wife used to come once in a while to his place along wit the kid. His name is Raj. So the thing is, intially everythng was fine between us but as time passed by, I started feeling insecure becoz he started lying to me about his whereabouts , reason was he was nt yet divorced and i used to get very upset when evr his wife used to come n visit him. We used fight over it and I used to say things to him to hurt him so that he will feel the pain   which I was going through.
    I knew that he loved me and there was nothing left between him and his wife yet i jus coulnt stand it. Years went by and we broke up many times in tat period. After a while he left for dubai and we hardly spoke, nt like we completely stopped talkng but ya it ised to b a causal friends talk. The thing is Raj knows me better than any1 else. With him i dnt have to think before i speak. I can say any damn thing and i know that he wont judge me.

    Then I met one guy last year in December. He is a very nice person. It started with friendship and one fine day he prososed me n I said Yes. I was feeling sad and i think i rushed. Now our families are also involved.

    Now for past couple of months i am finding it very difficult to cope up wit this whole thing. Raj is still there in me and i know that i wont b able to love anyone ever the way i love Raj but I dont want to hurt this other guy as well. I dont know what to do or how to say No or whom to say no to. On the other hand Raj wants a second chance. I dnt know what to do. Please suggest.

    #185889

    Cruise.
    Participant

    Hi. I had been in a relationship with a wonderful person for 2 years. We started fighting a lot over the petty things. I also had a friend of 7 years as support. I broke up with my ex and immediately got into a relationship with my friend. However I started missing my ex and have to see him everyday in college. I really feel guilty and miss him. However my friend is a very sweet guy and has a lot of patience and is ready to do everything for me even wait. I recently talked to my ex and he says he can’t talk to me because he will lose his friends if he talks. I was involved in him deeply the other guy convinces me everyday to move forward with him and I really am happy when I am with him. Please tell me a way out I am veryyyy confused

    #215653

    Niki
    Participant

    Hi.  I was in relationship with this amazing guy that cared a lot about me and truly loved me.  While we dated I was best friends with a guy, that I understand now, who was flirting me.  After 4 months into the relationship my boyfriend decided to broke up with me.  He said summer was coming and he wouldn’t have wifi and plus we argued lately.  I just let him go cause we would always talk about how we would break up after some time cause this year is gonna be the last year we live in the place where we at.  We are both moving next summer and we wanted to have fun..bein single.  I really missed him so I tried to do everything to get him back. Right now he is in his country so I couldn’t do a lot.  After a few weeks he started testing me and yesterday he told me still has feelings for me and would do anything to get him back.  I was so happy bc thats what I always wanted but the problem is that while we had broken up (1 month ) this guy and me started texting A LOT.  He really understands me and he cares about me.  He told me he seriously likes me because I make him happy.  Before knowing my ex would come back I was flirting with him and I started to develop feelings.  Yesterday I explain him the situation with my ex and he didn’t take it good.  He got kinda mad and told me that my ex hurt me and that while he was single he did a lot of things with other girls….which I already knew.  I told him to give me a day to decide what to do.  The thing is that my ex told me 2 weeks ago that he is moving NOW..like in one month. I still don’t think he will though even though he says he 100% will.  Who should I choose? The guy that hurt me but regrets everything and still loves me, while he had really good past together but is most likely moving in a month, or the new guy that makes me happy and cares about me and is staying as long as I am for sure?

    Please someone answer quietly because I don’t have any time left.

    #293287

    Wendykhile
    Participant

    Hi Girls, same thing. After 4 years , great guy , family wasn’t great and work etc. but now moved abroad after holiday and met new guy. My x came back! New , improved according to my mother etc changes has been made and family has been put in place and wants to marry. EtcBut disappointing new guy( looking to marry later) , his family and his son.

    How has chosen a path for one or the other?

    God knows but i dont

     

    #293465

    veronikurr
    Participant

    Hi Wendykhile

    Did you say you moved abroad? Where is your ex now? Has he said anything about wanting to be with YOU? How long have you been with he new guy?

    You might need to let us know a bit more details.

    Just FYI about my situation from when i wrote the original post – 2 years in and so much has happened. I’d sacked off both guys and went on holiday with my bestie. I had the best holiday romance which cemented my move on from my ex and my “casual” other guy. I really enjoyed life for the past 2 years like i haven’t done in many years before then. I’m not with a beautiful woman who is my best friend and truly the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I’d be interested to find out how the other ladies resolved their situations.

    Here to help!

     

     

    #294197

    Oleh
    Participant

    If you are playing with two guys at the same time it’s not gonna end well.

    So my advice for you just stop doing shit and choose wisely!

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