Dear Artic07

I am sorry that your relationship did not pan out as you hoped for after many years of waiting for a different outcome.

Allow yourself grieve for the loss of this particular  projected future for a short while, but also note the reality of the past cold rudeness.  It is possible that could have become the norm.  When we become infatuated, we have expectations and can gloss over difficulties. I am guessing that it is the relationship that was more important to you due to your childhood experiences.

Have you found a job? or something to focus on in the gaps between bouts of grief.

I am sure other members will give you better insights

kind regard

Roberta

Five years of youth in love is a long time. In the mind of the youth, it is a lifetime. This being the first love means the feelings run the deepest. It really is a shame that you let this continue for so long even knowing that it will not end well. He will not change his mind? He will stay loyal to his family and not you? The message is to move on and forget him? And youth wonders how this can be.

It hurts. Pain when one thinks of the love and the time spent together. So, how does one move on? It takes lots of time and distraction for the feelings to let go. Time to let go. Time to little by little not think or feel the pain and hurt. Distraction is needed to move the mind from its deep well made from 5 years of this toil in love. Distraction in purpose in occupation, or love another. You will need this more than you admit. Please be open to your future and not dwell in the past.

Dear Arctic07:

I am glad that my sincere praise made you positively smile!

(I am adding the boldface and italicized features to the quotes): “Yesterday , after almost more than a month of blocking him, I texted him… I asked him that why…did he give me hopes of a future. The reply that he gave was that first he was not strong enough back then… When I met him (he was dealing with the early expiring of his father), he was very much disturbed and emotionally messed up… I nurtured him, took him out of depression… I knew back then that he was a very weak man, had a very laid back attitude towards life in general , but I thought that with my affection and care we could transform into better grown individuals. But I was wrong it seems so.“-

– what I boldfaced is what he was before you met him, during the relationship and after: a very laid back person, not a fighter, not someone to stand up to people in authority (his mother) or to societal conventions. His mother (supported by societal conventions) tells him what to do, for how long, and he obeys. Standing up to her, going against her, would cause him more distress than he can handle. So, he doesn’t, and it is very unlikely that he will.

What I italicized is indeed your mistaken thinking at the time: he is who he is because of the influence of his mother (and his father, when he was alive) on his life when he was a child. There is a term for the childhood years, it’s called Formative Years, which means that a person’s attitudes, core beliefs, personality, etc., are formed during the years of childhood. This means that when you met him, he was already formed into a very laid back person who will obey authority and societal conventions, and no amount of care and affection from you, could change who he has become.

* It doesn’t mean that an adult person cannot make significant changes about himself (or herself); it means that an adult has to be very motivated to change, over a long period of time, to do the work required, and not give up, to be persistent and resilient, and to receive someone’s support in the process.

“Most people say that there home is there safe haven but for me it was not so. So the only comfort zone at that time was books. Then I met him (he was dealing with the early expiring of his father), he was very much disturbed and emotionally messed up… I nurtured him… I thought that with my affection and care we could transform (him)”-

– I think that you saw yourself in him and the thinking was (subconsciously): if I help him, he will help me; if I make him feel safe (if I am his safe haven), he will be my safe haven.

“Even after so much time has passed, I cannot stop thinking about him. On some days, I feel anger, on others I feel despair, on some days I feel humiliated, the list goes on an on. I am tired of thinking about him. I have tried so many things to heal myself… But every now and then my mind goes back to him. Please help me. I want to get out of this breakup purgatory“-

– breakup purgatory, another original term in my book (still impressed with you!)

I think that he was your hope for a safe haven, and that this hope is still there within you, keeping you in this breakup purgatory. You have put him up on a pedestal, so you shared, as if he was god (powerful enough to give you what you needed for so long, as a child). Here is what I suggest: when you are calm and alone, imagine him on that pedestal and reach up your hand to him, so that he (your image of him) can take your hand and graciously come down from that pedestal, a place where he does not belong. And as he is standing at your level, see him as a person, just another person, not one who is more powerful than you.

And let me know how this imagery felt like, will you?

anita

Dear Arctic07:

Thank you for your appreciation, it was a pleasure reading it!

“So yes, I followed your imagery and I found that he was no extraordinary individual, he was not any wonderful man. But I don’t understand why cant I shove him out of my head altogether“- because, like the saying goes, the heart wants what the heart wants. It won’t listen to reason.

“what I cannot wrap my head around, the fact that it seems like he got so tired of me that he just literally threw me out of his life, how did I become so easily disposable for any individual?“- think of it this way, if you will: if he didn’t throw you out of his life, his mother would have thrown him out of her life in some significant way. I figure that in his mind, society (his religion-society) would throw him out.. and he’d be all alone. Well, he’d have you in his life, but his mother and religion-society are significantly more important to him. To his defense, he was raised this way.

“how could somebody treat me so lowly and worse, how can I still harbor this lingering feeling in my mind about having him back“- .. again, the heart wants what the heart wants. Be patient with your heart: it doesn’t understand the language you use for thinking. It speaks a different (non-verbal) language.

“I am scared that what if the next person I fall in love with uses me in the same way or worse mistreats me more than this guy?“- learn all that you can learn from this experience so that it doesn’t repeat itself, as in history-on-repeat. By learning, I mean rational learning and heart-learning, getting to understand your heart more and more.

“Even today, it’s like I keep thinking about this person the entire day, I just cannot get him out of my head… I again said to him that we were not so weak, why cannot you fight for me? Don’t you love me etc. etc. . And his reply is the same that I cannot make my mother live in disgrace for the rest of her life“- he gave you his honest answer. And as I said before, his mother is way more important to him than you are. It’s not that he doesn’t, or didn’t love you, it’s that he loves his mother more. Never underestimate (again) the love and loyalty of a man- in a society as traditional as in India- to his mother.

“I have not hurt anyone, mistreat anyone, never cheated anyone, then why after doing everything good, why I have to go through this. What have I done to deserve this?“- life is not fair, Arctic07. It hasn’t been fair from the beginning of times. Sometimes fairness/ justice takes place, and we, as individuals can do our best to promote justice, but to expect fairness and justice in our world is sadly unrealistic.

“I am a very simple person when it comes to desires.. I never demanded any gifts from him, never demanded to go to expensive restaurants on  dates“- I share your attitude, having simple desires, not being materialistic.

“One day after the breakup he said to me that you were like my mother, you did everything for me… When I was living in with him some time ago, I did all the household chores, cooked meals for him and cared for him like anything like he was the center of the universe“- sadly for you, he already has a mother and she.. placed herself in the center of his universe: he’ll marry who she wants him to marry.

“He said that he was also hurting and that he also suffered but I don’t believe so“- from what you shared, seems to me that he did suffer.

“In some days, my job will start… Right now I am at my home and I have so many people around me to love me but what will happen when I will be all alone out there“- I intend to be here for you when your job starts, so you won’t be as alone… if it helps you.

“I am sick of being depressed about this… I want to be at peace with my life . I want to move on in life. I want to focus on other things in life that give me happiness. But I just can’t. Please help“- be patient with your heart. It doesn’t speak the language of reason. It is hurting and it wants your attention, to make it feel better. Think of your heart as a baby that needs a good mother to take care of it, to talk to it with a gentle voice, to soothe it.

anita

Dear Artico7:

You are welcome, and thank you for expressing your appreciation!

“So you are trying to tell me that, his religion-society was always more important to him always?“- yes. He was trained to believe this way since he was a young boy.

“That he was fooling himself into thinking that one day he would stand up for me when deep down he knew he never would?“-I imagine that at times he hoped that his mother will allow a marriage with you, and maybe he put in some effort into getting her approval.

“This was his whole plan all along?“- I don’t think that he was a cold-hearted man with an evil plan to use and abuse you. After all, he told his mother about you early on, and told you her answer (that marriage is not possible). So, he was honest with you about this exchange early on.

Arctic07, I know all this is very difficult for you and you are hurting at this time. I also know much of life is unfair and that as individuals, most- if not all of us- are victims to societal injustices carried on through generations. Nonetheless, I want you to shift your attitude from that of a Victim to that of a Powerful woman, one who has some power (not complete power, of course) over your life. This new attitude will ease your suffering, give you strength, and it will increase the likelihood that today, and every day, you will make the best choices from what is available to you.

“I never wanted him to choose between me and his mother, all I wanted or thought, was that someone who has honor would at least fight for the cause of his love… I know that when it comes to inter-religion marriage in India, it takes a lot of strength. But this guy, he did not even put up a honest fight for me . If he was so weak then why did he harbor a relationship for so long..“?- because of his feelings for you and about you. I think that he was scared to leave you earlier partly because of how much you told him that you needed him. I think that he was afraid that if he left you (and he told you so), you would do badly in college, or quit college, or otherwise, that you will be hurt too much and you wouldn’t be able to function.

“He could have just left me in the most horrible way like now and turned deaf and blind to my woes and sorrows“- I think that you have let him hear a lot about your woes and sorrows (aka guilt-tripping) so that he won’t break up with you, and instead fight for you and marry you. Didn’t you?

“are you trying to tell me that he would naturally love any girl his mother brings for him“- no, of course not. What’s love (the feeling of love) got to do with arranged marriages anyway?

“In this whole scene, I am literally used and disposed off?“- in this whole scene, as I see it, you were not and are not a piece of trash that was disposed off. You knowingly got into an inter-faith relationship in a conservative society where such relationships are disapproved of, and like the great majority of such relationships in your society, it did not result in marriage.

“Could it have been possible that I could have loved him a little more or did something in some other way so that he would stand up (for) me?“- no, I don’t think so.

“Could he fight for another girl? Could some other girl love him more than I did?“- my answers: no and no.

“I initially loved him maybe because he was so close towards his family (you will recall that I craved a happy home and good relationship with family back then)“- I understand, and this makes me feel for you. I personally know the strong the craving for a safe, happy home.

“but now I am worried that what if I never found somebody as good as him. Or worse like it is in India, I would have to go for an arranged marriage set-up after a few years, if I am stuck with a man who is not compassionate enough… I am very much scared about this… Can you please help me with this?“- gently hush your anxious mind, your worries… slow down your anxious thoughts. It can be okay, even better than okay: you can find another gem, a lifetime partner, and look back at your worries with relief. But it will take courage on your part, the courage to shift your attitude to that of a powerful woman: a woman who can and will put the power that is available to her into practice, fairly and realistically.

anita

* Dear YOR:

I read your story and I feel badly for your pain. There are significant similarities between your story and that of Arctic07’s, and I am looking forward to read Arctic07’s reply to your story, when she is able, as she too is in pain.

“he was super kind, super nice, just absolutely perfect in all ways… he owed me some money because I paid some of the bills of his apartment even when I was not living there, and he had found another housemate. I did not bother because for me, he was my family member. When asked to transfer it, he transferred 3/4th of the amount and said that he wont transfer everything because he spent that money over visiting me and giving me birthday gifts“-

– What I boldfaced in the above quote shows me that from the beginning of the relationship, although he appeared super kind and perfect in all ways, he was not genuinely these things. It takes a cold, calculating, very unempathetic person to be so petty toward a woman who has been so loving and so generous toward him.

You did your best with him and your father tried too, but your ex-boyfriend was not available to reason.

“I have been a meritorious student throughout. And apart from academics, I am also professionally trained in fine arts. I know how to cook. And I am a very organized person in general. ..Please help me find peace. I feel guilty, maybe I could have adjusted and saved us. Maybe if I kept my mouth shut instead of expressing how I felt, we would have been together. Maybe“-

– May you find peace in knowing, really knowing, that your strong emotions for this man clouded your vision of him. I hope that you realize that you mistook him for someone he was not. I am sure that there were times when his affection for you was genuine, and the best of him shone through, but those times did not indicate who he is long-term.

May your sense of self-worth be based on you being and having been long-term, the loving, caring daughter and sister that you are, and on the hard, long-term work that you put into becoming a meritorious student and professional.. and not on this man’s coldness and unreasonableness.

anita