Thanks Anita – I appreciate your comments. It is so easy to think you know what you’d do but when it happens to you – it’s like you are blinded!! I have definitely learnt to see the red flags. I guess my disappointment stems from never having met someone so deceitful and it being so contrary to my own beliefs of fidelity 🙁

Hi Mark – thanks for your response, good to see from a male side. I have no cheating father (in fact parents are happily married) and never felt neglected as a child. My previous bf just upped and left one day citing ‘depresssion’ and ‘needing to find himself’…  I seem to attract (or seek?) these needy people who dont serve me.

I know i wasted my time, i know you all think im an idiot, but has no-one ever had a situation where you gave someone a second chance (or in his case many more). or felt drawn back to the very thing that burns you?

I am not after sympathy. I know what i would be saying to anyone about this is i was on the outside. I guess i am just so disappointed in the human species given i have never cheated, told minimal white lies in my time and would feel sick to the stomach to do even 10% of what he has….

Gosh Anita  you are so right – i am so grateful for your insight, for some reason knowing you dont know me but can comment is really useful 🙂

Perhaps i did feel neglected, i certainly dont recall it like that but as you say, we repress memories and maybe it could be small things rather than one big event of neglect or abuse. I feel guilty even saying that as my mum and dad are both lovely and as an adult have been so supportive – emotionally and financially.

It is really sad, i kind of feel sorry him. He was home-schooled for a while – because of bullying but i also think his mother was over-bearing and definitely wore the trousers. The whole family doesnt speak to his brother because of a family rift. His mother  (i did meet her numerous times!) was a woman with strong morals but also excused his behaviour. She would say he was a ‘silly boy’ for cheating etc. She would reprimand him but he didnt see to care he was disappointing her – maybe because he always knew she’d excuse it.  He was clearly the ‘apple of her eye.’  His dad was a figure in the background – present but with no real influence over him or his brother, i dont believe anyway. I thought when she died it would have changed him… but it has made no difference…  he seems hellbent on seeking adoration / pleasure / thrill even though he has had a string of attractive & successful (and loyal) girlfriends.  He is definitely not emotionally healthy!   At one point (given his mum nursed her own mum until she died), his mum had suggested that her and her husband and ‘Dan’ look for a property with an annex, so (as they are in their 70s), ‘Dan’ could care for them in old age. I wasnt overly happy with this but viewed a few properties given they are an ‘all talk no action’ kind of family…  it never went anywhere and she died soon afterwards. There wasnt any ‘give’ with this arrangement – ie. we couldn’t have lived just near by, it would’ve been on his parents terms but he was indoctrinated by this ‘view’. For example, he thought it was absolutely disgusting my mum lives 100 miles away from her mum – she should really be caring for my nan in her old age… anyway i digresss

I cant help but take this personally but i try to remind myself he is not ‘right’ mentally and will never be happy x

Hey Anita! I dont think his mum encouraged him because she seemed genuinely appalled by his behaviour. He always said she wanted a daughter to do ‘girl things’ with and i think she wanted a daughter-in-law so was a bit gutted he sabotaged things. In fact, she kept in contact with his ex-gfs long after they had split from him. I am not saying I MYSELF was the perfect person to be that d-i-l but she liked the concept of family & doing things together etc. I think she couldnt control him and i dont think he did what he did to please her, she never knew about things until i spoke to her to tell her what he’d done. He is super secretive in every way. His dad only ‘discovered’ air hostess by knocking on his door one Friday night – god knows how he introduced her to him given i was very much – in his dads eyes – his girlfriend and was there throughout the whole period of bereavment, organised the funeral… wake….. you name it. I even helped the dad swap all the details of banks over. In hindsight, i gave too much but i was just being me and trying to help in a time of need. Equally his mum organised all the finances so his dad and ‘Dan’ were at a loss.

How do i give my mind some rest / ‘accept’ this is how he is? i keep ruminating over it, im in disbelief yet i have known now since last April (and before) what he is. A cheat. Why cant i just shut the mental door in my mind and think ‘good luck to you’.

Why do i even care? In a way, i am kind of relieved he didnt get his perceived ‘happy ever after’ . it would be more hurtful if he’d have settled down and found my replacement to be his Miss Perfect (he probaby will i guess, eventually – his current gf is someone with a plan i.e. marriage by 30, kids by 32). As awful as it sounds, i kind of think “good luck” to his current gf who had ample warning about his behaviour. I never had anyone to actually ask about the depth of his deceit…  She has dismissed me and seems ‘smug’ with her ‘prize.’  His behaviour now cements actually that for me, it wasnt personal, he has never been faithful and to see him ‘browsing’ online making out he’s Mr Wonderful… i just am in shock there is no stopping his level of self-promotion and infidelity….

sorry for the rambling, this is quite carthartic x

See, i kinda think its a bit of a get out clause and i dont always think everything derives from the childhood school of thought. I dont really see how his dad motivates him to cheat (although i think his dad did cheat on his mum a longggggggg time ago). Anyway, i kind of feel actually maybe he is just selfish, greedy and lacks empathy / emotion to really ‘connect’ with anyone on anything more than a surface level.  Why does it need to be explained away by theories although i think what you said about him being confused, he doesnt know what he is doing etc is totally true. You can look at some of the most beautiful women in the world – Cheryl Cole, Beyonce – who i am sure are decent human beings and if they get cheated on, then what hope is there!  I actually think its more to do with the primal need to mate than him somehow trying to please his dad…

My next steps is try to maintain no contact. This guy has drained me, for so long, its not going to be easy because in a fairytale world – i would want to think he realised he made a mistake or regretted his actions. Regret or guilt dont seem to feature for him – not to a level that stops him doing the same thing over and over…

I appreciate your comment Anita – and any other contributors – sometimes you just cant see when something is toxic. You are drawn in like a moth to a flame… i might’ve been burnt but im not dead and i feel i can try to use this to create fresh boundaries and NEVER be treated like this by another human again xx