Dear Noor:

Yesterday, some time after I posted to you last, I realized how unclear much of my post to you earlier was, the post before last. I didn’t present my thoughts clearly, and as I re-read my post, I got confused myself about what I was thinking at the time, when I typed away that post.

Next, I thought that I lost my chance to make a difference in your thinking about the relationship and about moving forward from it, because often I have only one chance to make a difference. So I thought about letting it go.

Next, I figured, I can post to you one more time, and if you don’t want to read it, you can choose to not read it. You don’t have to read it and you don’t have to respond to me. Therefore, here is my (hopefully) clarifying post to you:

When he told you that “his parents would never have a problem” and that they were “a VERY liberal.. family.. very accepting”, if he believed at the time that his family was indeed very liberal and accepting, and wouldn’t have had a problem if they knew about you being in his life, then he would have told them about you (because he believed, if he did, that they “would never have a problem”).

The facts that he didnt tell them about you, that he told you to be quiet when he communicated with them, the fact that he postponed telling them before he graduates from his Masters program, and that he told you to not be in his graduation ceremony because his parents will be there.. all these facts that you shared with me, indicate that he did not believe that they “would never have a problem” with you being in his life.

That he reassured you that his parents wouldn’t have a problem with you, means to me that he repeatedly lied to you: telling you something that he knew was not true.

You asked him the same questions over and over again, and he complained to you that you repeatedly asked him the same questions, but he didn’t bother to end your confusion by telling you the truth.

What is the truth: seems to me that the truth is that he was never committed to a relationship with you, that for whatever reason, he was not willing to seriously consider a long term, lifetime relationship/ marriage with you.

Here is something else that I want to add to what I believe the truth to be: for some reason you didn’t value yourself, you didnt esteem yourself enough to figure that there is no reason for you to chase him, no reason for you to invest much more than he invested, or to hope that he will become serious about you if he spent enough time with you, and if you will be perfect enough for him. For some reason, even though you stated that people told you that you are out of his league, you didn’t feel good enough for him.

Another thing: you kept asking him questions, kept taking his words as if they were the words of god, hanging on anything and everything he told you as if he was the Authority and you were small, looking up to authority/ god. But he was only a man and one who didn’t mind lying to you, repeatedly.

I want you to learn all that you can learn from this experience so that you will not look up to another man as if he was god, so that you will not consider anyone’s words as The Truth (including my words to you).

Find out the truth yourself, build confidence in your ability to evaluate information and figure out what is true and what is not true, and to figure out what a person says intentionally to deceive you (aka lies).

anita

Hi Noor,

After reading your posts I’m relieved that you are not going to marry this man and into his family. As you struggle to make sense of all that has happened, try to recognize how valuable a learning experience this is. When we want so badly for a relationship to work it’s easy to overlook important clues that reveal a person’s true character. Thank goodness you are now seeing things more clearly: This guy is not who you thought he was.

Surround yourself with those who told you that you are out of this guy’s league. They’ll help you to see more, I’ll bet. Hang in there.

B

Dear Noor:

You are welcome. Good to read that you are done with this relationship and congrats for ending things with him from your side. I will soon be away from the computer, but I may add a bit more when I am back to the computer in about 14 hours from now.

anita

Dear Noor:

You are welcome. “could I have been better in any way for him to maybe fight.. even just a little harder”- no, no, no, you were too good for him and you worked too hard.

“I can’t tell you the extreme measures I took for him, and to end up with literally nothing in return hurts”- see, you did a lot, and if you did more, or “better in any way”, you would still end up with literally nothing in return, and you would be in a worse shape than you are now.

You can recover, you can learn from this experience and move on to a healthy, loving relationship where he will do for you no less than you will do for him.

“I am still trying to wrap my head around why..”- don’t try to think too much and too hard at this time. This is the time for you to recover, not to exhaust yourself with difficult thinking. Over time, when you are rested, be it days, weeks or months from now, I can help you figure out why, right here on your thread. No need to rush.

anita

• This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by .

Dear Noor:

You are welcome. I like it that you want to adopt kids. My policy when I was younger was that if I was in the position to have children, I would adopt children that are already alive and have no home, instead of bringing new children into the world.

When you called him most recently, what he told you made it more clear in your head that “he really is just all about himself”- keep this clarity. Being all about himself means that he is not at all about you.

The more you adhere to this clarity, and the more you allow yourself to feel the sadness that comes with this clarity, the faster you will recover. Every time you feel confused/ your mind is foggy, and you need me to help you clear the fog, let me know, and I will do my best.

anita

Dear Noor:

I appreciate your update, I was wondering how you were doing.

I understand you missing the emotional connectivity the most, feeling somewhat awkward at home, masking your emotions, feeling a void, “craving that companionship”.

The good thing is you can have what you crave, a lifetime of companionship with a man who will be right for you. It is only your first relationship. The second can be so much better.

If it helps you to unmask your emotions here on your thread, feel free to post here any time you want to, and I will be glad to read from you and reply.

anita