Home→Forums→Relationships→Claims he is not choosing his parents, rather he is loosing me.
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anita.
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August 3, 2020 at 8:26 pm #363705
NoorParticipantDear Anita,
I wanted to truly emphasize on how much your replies made an impact on my healing process. Whenever I am having a low day or thinking about the fantasy of that relationship (which is becoming less and less) then I read our posts. It makes me feel so much better and realize the reality of the situation.
I am lucky that restrictions, where I am living, are slowing easing so I can go back to doing a lot of my favorite hobbies such as hiking and going on long bike rides. I feel liberated in a beautiful way and for the first time, I am thankful for experiencing a heartbreak. I could never have viewed it from that perspective if it wasn’t for your thoughtful and quick replies to me. I am also slowly, slowly feeling like I will be ready to put myself out there again, not yet but maybe sooner than I expect.
Amidst all the chaos currently happening in the world, I wanted to ask how you are doing? I continue to actively read these forms and notice how much you take the time from your day to reply to others in the hopes of uplifting their spirit, it is inspiring.
I genuinely hope all is going well with you.
Love,
Noor
August 4, 2020 at 8:50 am #363744
AnonymousGuestDear Nor:
Your post above makes my day. I copied it in its entirety into my private files so to never lose it. Not only are you a very intelligent and insightful young person, you are also kind- what a precious, unique combination!
You wrote the above post so to make me feel good, to show your appreciation- this is what I mean by kindness. I am so impressed by you.
I am glad to read that you are healthier now and that you “feel liberated in a beautiful way and for the first time”. As you proceed in life, keep in mind that today’s liberated feeling will not feel as good at all times and forever more. You may be surprised if later in the day, or tomorrow, or next week, you will not feel so good, but don’t be alarmed, it’s the alarm itself that sets us back when we move forward.
Emotions never stay the same, they keep changing, but if we expect that, we don’t get alarmed when it happens, and unalarmed, we feel more stable, stronger.
Do post anytime, on this thread or on a thread you may want to start in the future, if you do. I will be glad to read from you anytime and reply.
I am fine, Noor, thank you for asking. As a matter of fact I feel better this morning because I read your post. I am grateful for your kindness, I feel fortunate to have received it.
anita
August 4, 2020 at 9:01 am #363746AnonymousInactiveHI Noor, I am very late to the party but I wanted to say that you don’t have to look at this relationship as a failure. Actually, you have learned so much about people and about being true to yourself and your own emotional needs. If you are being told the truth by the ex-boyfriend about his mother’s reaction, then you know this isn’t the extended family situation you want to marry into. This is so wise of you. I am a sceptic by nature and try to see all the sides of things. If you don’t know for sure that his mother said what she said, it could be that this man is living some kind of double life. He can’t let you meet his parents for many reasons, like already being married or engaged possibly. Some people are very indoctrinated by their parents that the parents rule the adult child’s life. This may not be the kind of man you want to marry and that is okay. So this relationship has given you many lessons and many tools for moving forward. You have affirmed that you must do right by yourself first and foremost. That is a beautiful thing. To have stayed with this man, and been in emotional turmoil over his mother’s unhappiness and anger, would have been awful, like being in chains. What a run-on sentence that was!
August 4, 2020 at 9:40 am #363748NoorParticipantDear Anita,
Thank you once again for all your kindness! Your words truly mean a lot and I am feeling so happy that I had the chance to contribute towards making your day 🙂
I will keep your words in mind about emotions never staying constant to ensure I am better prepared for my days ahead. I am fortunate to find this forum and community of support that I can turn to even in the future!
Dear Yellow Rose,
Yes, I agree with your points about viewing this relationship as an opportunity of self-growth and being grateful that I did not end up marrying this man! The more I reflect on the nature of the relationship, the more I realize it was bound to end sooner or later as we were just too incompatible, so the sooner it ended, the better for me. I have truly learned how different people in this world can be and unfortunately, some may be dishonest, manipulative, and very cruel. I am happy that my future will have a healthier relationship and I can take many lessons from my ex moving forward.
Thank you for taking the time to reply to me, I appreciate your words of wisdom and kindness. I am sending good wishes your way!
August 9, 2020 at 5:33 pm #364254AnonymousGuestDear Noor:
A note to say I am thinking about you this Sunday afternoon, hoping you are feeling good today.
anita
August 9, 2020 at 10:03 pm #364270NoorParticipantDear Anita,
Thank you so much for checking in with me, I really appreciate it.
I am doing good and spent approximately 12 hours of my day today outdoors surrounded by mountains and a beautiful lake so it was peaceful.
I hope you had a good day too.
I was actually going to write on this thread as lately I feel myself missing having a companion of the romantic kind by my side. I realized in my initial post I wrote my relationship with my ex was six months of long-distance but I guess I was a mess while writing that post and didn’t realize it was actually 10 months of long-distance with only 3 months of it in person. I had not seen him since February and the whole thing officially ended mid-June. Prior to the relationship ending, I had already built a safeguard around me knowing the relationship could end when his family found out because of all the concerns I initially had due to confusing responses. Maybe that is why I feel I am moving on faster than I thought since I had put a stop to my feelings well before. There are occasional low days that I am handling better, and usually, those low days happen because I miss having a companion. At first, I was worried if I have a co-dependency issue or something but, to be honest even during the good times of my past relationship I would still balance all of my other things and never felt I was isolating myself and only relying on my partner, it just felt nice to have someone to share parts of your day with. Even though it was my first relationship and the majority of it was long-distance I still valued the emotional aspect of having someone. I am grateful to have friends and family for that as well but, of course, it is not the same.
I guess for that reason I feel like I want to now maybe try to just get to know people, and then this time slowly see if I want a relationship with that person instead of rushing things as I did with my ex. I guess I am confused because I feel the official break up being only 1.5 months old is not long enough….should I still wait longer before I start to consider dating again? As much as I miss having a romantic companion, I am enjoying my new freedom of being single since I am re-discovering parts of me that got lost in that past relationship, and I genuinely am worried about if that happens again because of a new relationship.
So these are some thoughts that lately dwell in my mind which I wanted to share with you in the hopes of some advice, I would be grateful for any feedback you may have.
With love,
Noor
August 10, 2020 at 7:38 am #364296AnonymousGuestDear Noor:
Being surrounded by mountains and a beautiful lake reads peaceful, and my advice to you this morning has to do with promoting that peace in your mind, so that you can carry those serene mountains and lake with you wherever you go.
I think that the present is the right time for you to start dating if you don’t rush it. No reason to wait longer before you start dating because the dating itself will take a long, long time.
“As much as I miss having a romantic companion, I am enjoying my new freedom of being single since I am re-discovering parts of me that got lost in that past relationship, and I genuinely am worried about if that happens again because of a new relationship”- if you rush, it is likely to happen again. Even if you meet a wonderful man, if you rush, you will lose that peace of mind I mentioned earlier.
If you do not rush (I can’t emphasize this enough), you will be discovering parts of you in the context of dating. You will find out things about yourself you don’t know yet. How exciting this could be!
There is no point in you waiting another year, or two, or ten and then rushing. Start dating now and pace yourself, slowly.. keeping your peace of mind, learning gradually about this or that man and about yourself. Don’t dive into a relationship before you learn enough, it will be like diving into a lake not knowing how deep it is- what if it is shallow, you can get hurt!
anita
August 10, 2020 at 9:18 am #364307AnonymousInactiveNoor, it really sounds like you are full of wisdom and self love and doing well. I think you will know when it is time to look around for a new partner. I actually think we meet people when we aren’t necessarily looking. It is when anyone will do, anyone to fill the gap left by the ex who left, then we seem to attack the wrong ones. The gift to yourself of being single, or learning more about yourself and doing what you find fun to do, is priceless. We do give up some autonomy to be in a relationship because a good relationship is two people working together for a future. But that isn’t losing oneself and only meeting the needs of the other person, being so wrapped up in their problems, needs, issues that we “lose ourselves”. That is sometimes the definition of codependency. Some people will want us to be all about them, with no wants or needs of our own. Other people will not like this and will want us to be fully functioning human beings. So when we take the time to become fully functioning human beings, then we attract other humans on our same emotional and maturity levels. It is like the law of attraction, we attract people on our same emotional level. Anita mentions many good things about dating and waiting. Life is like a journey, a winding path. You will figure these things out as time goes by because you already show great inner wisdom and insight.
August 10, 2020 at 12:01 pm #364329NoorParticipantDear Anita,
How wonderfully put! I love reading your metaphors because they do such a nice job in describing exactly what I need to hear. You’re absolutely right there is no need to rush and that was the biggest learning lesson from my first relationship so it would be a mistake if I did not implement that! I think I will have the hardest time with it but I will make sure to give myself constant reminders and daily reflection checks when I do start to date again to ensure that does not happen. The greatest challenge now will be how I start dating! Since with COVID-19 all my hobbies have become virtual, my school is done, and my work is remote, and none of my friends know anyone that they can recommend either as they are also single and trying to date. Online dating has been working for many of my friends so I am curious to learn more about how that works but with an open mind to make sure I am not rushing anything.
Dear Rose of Yellow,
I love your username! Thank you for your kind words, they mean so much. Wow, I did not even think about codependency from that aspect but it makes so much sense. A healthy relationship should consist of both individuals respecting and valuing each other but also making sure the other is fully functioning, as you mentioned. I guess these are all lessons that I will now keep in mind as I move forward in life and not just relationship wise but in general. I wish you a wonderful week ahead!
With love,
Noor
August 10, 2020 at 12:22 pm #364335AnonymousGuestDear Noor:
Online dating is the way to go then. It just so happened that I got married almost ten years ago as a result of online dating. I consider myself an.. almost of an expert on the topic, almost. Therefore, I will be glad to guide you on the matter and support you along the way. At the time I did Match. com and later Plenty of Fish, which is a Canadian online dating service, based in Vancouver. It was sold to Match. com five years ago, but still remains in Vancouver. Membership is still free. Their income is made through advertisements and upgraded/ premium memberships.
anita
August 11, 2020 at 1:10 am #364418NoorParticipantDear Anita,
Yes, I think online may be the best option for now. It is wonderful to hear that you met your husband online as well, I love hearing such sweet stories. I will most likely make an account soon, I have not heard of Plenty of Fish before so that will be an interesting one for me to explore along with the most popular one that my friends are using which is Bumble. I will give you an update as things progress. I am so happy to hear that I can have your guidance and support along the way, thank you!
I look forward to writing to you again soon, in the meantime, I am sending good wishes your way!
Warmly,
Noor
August 11, 2020 at 8:03 am #364439AnonymousGuestDear Noor:
You are welcome. Maybe bumble is a better choice for young people, I don’t know. I will be looking forward to your update. Thank you for your good wishes for me, and I am sending good wishes your way!
anita
August 12, 2020 at 2:55 pm #364601NoorParticipantDear Anita,
One of the greatest learning curves from my ex was to not be involved in a relationship with someone who’s immediate family lives in India. I feel coming from a similar culture, I have realized the severe family dynamics, and social issues of arranged marriage that exist give me severe anxiety as I know it will be a bubble of uncertainties. My preference would really be to talk to people who’s family is living in North America. I am a very family-oriented person and I want the opportunity to get to know their family because with my ex I believed too much of his words since I had no way of getting to know his family living miles away. Would it be healthy to carry this thinking when dating? For example, if I am speaking to someone who has family residing in India then perhaps it may not be the wisest to continue the conversation. I also don’t want to miss out on someone great because of that but I feel it might be the best thing to do before I get too invested and then I am not able to.
I ask because recently my friend told me about someone she thinks I might get along with (she does not know as much about my experience with my ex and the reasons for the relationship to end), I agreed to speak to the person she suggested. After a few conversations over text, I learned his whole family resides in India, and only he has been living in the same city as me for five years. I just didn’t want to continue the conversation further and politely ended the conversation. I know I could have taken the time to get to know him better before jumping to conclusions but I find it only becomes harder then because your selective memory kicks in and you want to focus only on the positive “what ifs” rather than that harsh reality check.
Do you feel that was okay for me to do?
August 12, 2020 at 3:38 pm #364608AnonymousGuestDear Noor:
I need to be more focused to read and reply to your recent post. If not earlier, I will be back to your thread in about 15 hours from now.
anita
August 12, 2020 at 5:24 pm #364619AnonymousGuestDear Noor:
Yes, I think it was very okay for you to politely end the conversation with the young man whose whole family lives in India. Your plan to date a man whose family lives in North America so that you can meet them in person soon into dating is an excellent idea.
It is so good to read how you implemented what you learned from this relationship!
anita
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