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Compassion and respect during times of conflict

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  • September 5, 2025 at 9:33 am #449374
    Tee
    Participant

    Hi Alessa,

    I have a question, what does an apology mean to you? I feel like apologies can mean different things to different people.

    For me, apologies are about being respectful and showing a commitment to trying not to repeat mistakes.

    Apology, for me, is when the person has acknowledged their mistake and the pain it may have caused to the other person. But the acknowledgment of mistake/wrong-doing is key.

    Anita hasn’t acknowledged that she did anything wrong to us. On the contrary, she is now denying (pretending not to remember) that those words and allegations were about us.

    So how do you expect her to apologize for something she refuses to acknowledge even happened?

    I noticed that Anita is trying to offer you some empathy here.

    “Tee—I regret that things escalated to this point. I imagine this has been painful for you too.”

    This is not real empathy, but just words that sound good. She hasn’t acknowledged any wrong-doing, any harm that she caused. On the contrary, she even tried to gaslight me that I am the real abuser, who caused her harm by asking Lori to intervene. Forgetting that I asked Lori to intervene, because Anita wouldn’t stop posting those allegations and insinuations about us.

    In her mind, I am the abuser because I did something to protect myself. While she did nothing that might have warranted my wanting to protect myself. Go figure.

    September 5, 2025 at 11:07 am #449376
    Alessa
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    Well done on sticking with the conversation even though it is very hard and you want to run away. ❤️

    I remember that you have difficulties with your memory Anita and it helps you to write things down. ❤️

    Thank you for seeing me.

    What I’m hearing from you Anita is that gestures of goodwill help you to see the good intentions of people despite difficulties and this is really helpful for you in conflict.

    I also understand that you are feeling blamed and hurt too. ❤️

    I have been thinking about something and it might be sensitive. ❤️

    I have Autism and for people with Autism there are specific difficulties that they can have when they feel overwhelmed. They have tendencies to either have outbursts or shut down. Personally, I tend to shut down. But if pressed beyond what I can cope with I do have outbursts. Medication helps me when I’m really stressed to manage this in a healthy way. It has been really hard for me being a parent because I have a much higher base stress level than I used to because I don’t have as much time to practice self-care.

    Outbursts and shutting down can be mistaken for abuse by people who are not familiar with the condition. It is regretful when I lose control. But it is not my fault that I have the conditions and obviously C-PTSD makes things that much harder. I empathise that it is difficult and hurtful for people to be on the receiving end of these things.

    Do I remember correctly that you have Tourette’s, C-PTSD and ADHD? ❤️

    I have a question Anita and you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. ❤️

    I wondered if there are any difficulties that these conditions might cause especially during conflict? ❤️

    I can understand the fears of bullying, but I think there are lots of good people here and I don’t think that anyone wants to bully anyone.

    I have similar concerns about bullying online, because this is a public space, criticism can feel like public shaming. ❤️

    I’m going to set a boundary for talking to both you and Tee individually. I’m not going to talk negatively about the other person whilst discussing your feelings. ❤️

    September 5, 2025 at 11:38 am #449378
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alessa:

    I am not very focused at this time, but in regard to “I’m not going to talk negatively about the other person whilst discussing your feelings.”-

    I am so positively impressed with you, Alessa.. so… grateful to you being you! This boundary is more than fair!!! And it’s a relief, for me. It makes me feel safer here.

    Thank you!!!

    I will completely respect your boundary!

    As to “Do I remember correctly that you have Tourette’s, C-PTSD and ADHD?”- yes, and more: OCD (6-27 years.. some leftovers still ongoing, but nothing like before)..

    “I wondered if there are any difficulties that these conditions might cause especially during conflict?”- of course, yes. A “little” of anything registered as Too Much.

    I can elaborate and address more of what you wrote tomorrow.

    Thank you so much, Alessa, for making this thread, this space, feels like less like an enemy territory!

    Anita

    September 5, 2025 at 12:49 pm #449381
    Alessa
    Participant

    Hi Tee

    What I’m hearing from you Tee is that you feel very unseen, blamed and that the situation is unfair. ❤️

    Do you feel like it helps you to see others good intentions when they make efforts to show that they see the difficulties that you are experiencing during conflict? ❤️

    I have faith. I hope that making an effort to deescalate will be seen and that things will work out in the end. I believe that trying my best is good enough.

    As I said to Anita, I’m going to set a boundary with both of you. I’m going to talk to you both individually about your feelings and I won’t talk negatively about the other person. ❤️

    I see that you are deeply hurt Tee. I see that you are trying your best and that everyone has a need to protect themselves in conflict. ❤️

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