Talking about Emotion… Wow!

Yes, let’s rest, Jana. I want rest, believe me. What the hell happened here… seriously, I don’t know how it got to this point. Anyway, Jana.. I am sorry..

Just noticed Alessa’s post. Too tired to process…

Sat morning maybe…

For crying out loud, what an emotional mess.

Hi Alessa,

I know your intentions are good, you’re trying to be caring and accommodating to everyone.

But I think there has been a misunderstanding. I wasn’t trying to accommodate anyone by setting a boundary. That boundary was for me.

Sorry, I wasn’t necessarily talking about the boundary you set, but in general about shifting the focus of the discussion to Anita’s sensitivity, asking her questions about her mental health and why it might contribute to her sensitivity during conflicts, and taking care of her needs, so to speak.

That’s all fine, but I felt it failed to address the “elephant in the room”, namely that Anita hasn’t acknowledged any wrong-doing towards you, hasn’t apologized for any of her actions, and has portrayed herself as the victim ever since she came back.

I felt that this enabled Anita to remain in her victim narrative, not acknowledging any harm that she’s done (which you previously expressed and are aware of). You kind of let go of the need for her to apologize, and remained hopeful that she would do it later.

And so she continued with her version of the story, implying that she is the “most wounded” and therefore we need to respect her “boundaries”, which might include not saying anything she finds unsettling or threatening. This is from Anita’s reply to Brandy:

I understand your longing for a space where people don’t tiptoe. I share that longing. But I also know that emotional safety isn’t created by asking the most wounded to be more resilient—it’s created by honoring their boundaries without pathologizing them.

Or her reply to me:

I’ve named harm with clarity, offered repair where I saw fit, and refused to collapse into emotional labor for those who bypass accountability. That’s not a lack of empathy—it’s emotional sovereignty.

She claims she offered repair, but she’s done none of that, because she hasn’t acknowledged any wrong-doing. She is claiming that others are bypassing accountability, while that’s exactly what she is doing.

So what’s the result? If we want to respect her “boundaries”, we need to silence ourselves. We need to tiptoe. We need to respect her pain, but dismiss our own.

And this is how a space becomes unsafe, how it becomes stifling for those who might have issues with some of Anita’s words and actions.

I would encourage you to talk to me directly if you feel hurt about something I have done.

Dear Alessa, I’m not really hurt, but rather, I’m sad. What happens is that by being very accommodating to Anita and focusing on only her pain and her discomfort while putting yours aside – you’re enabling more of this behavior. Not that you want it, but that’s the result.

But please know that I’m not judging you at all. I see your struggle and your good intentions. You truly believe that this conflict can be worked out at everyone’s satisfaction, if we’re just patient enough. I’m afraid I’m not sharing your optimism.

Hi Yana

You are not weak. You are doing your best! I think that it is important to take care of yourself. ❤️

Hi Alessa,

It may not seem that important to you, but it was important for me to explore how my neurodivergence affected conflict.

Oh I’m sorry, Alessa. I didn’t want to dismiss your neurodivergence and exploring how that affects conflict. I just felt that the conversation completely shifted to the mental health aspect of the conflict, and how you can support Anita in making this space as comfortable as possible for her (and yourself, as someone who struggles with autism and C-PTSD).

The topic of her accountability was dropped in the process, and the effect was that she kept engaging from the perspective of the only victim, refusing to consider how her words and actions might have affected others. This stance was confirmed in her replies to Brandy and me. That’s what I was concerned about.

You and I, simply have different priorities, perspectives, needs and conflict styles. That is not to say that one is more valid than the other. That is not true, we are just different people.

I’m sorry you feel like I’m enabling Anita by not discussing my feelings right now. I disagree, I’m simply prioritising my own needs.

I think I understand you better now. You prioritize de-escalation of the conflict, and then discussing things in a calmer environment:

I don’t want to discuss my needs in a heated environment, I don’t feel like that is healthy for me. I would prefer to focus on deescalation and creating a calmer healthy environment first.

And you felt that it’s more important to establish rapport with Anita, to engage from a place of empathy and understanding, rather than insisting on her accountability. I understand. Whereas to me, I feel true conflict resolution can’t come about without accountability on both sides.

Okay, I get it. I do believe that sometimes insisting on de-escalation without accountability can lead to false peace, where things are swept under the rug. Those unaddressed issues can easily lead to another conflict, sometime down the line.

At the same time, I respect your needs in this conflict and understand where you’re coming from. Your need at the moment is for a peaceful environment, not for the past hurt (that was inflicted upon you in this conflict) to be repaired. Would that be a fair statement?

I feel like your feelings about how you were affected are more important to me than mine

Please don’t feel like my feelings are more important than yours. You’ve explained what your priority is at the moment, and I respect that. I understand why you feel the way you feel ❤️

I don’t know how this conflict will end, what will be the outcome, but to be honest, I’m glad that certain things were discussed openly, even if it wasn’t comfortable.

But I don’t have the need to keep discussing it and proving my point. I’ve mostly said what bothered me, and I also felt I’ve been heard, and that’s what matters the most. I admit, things are not ideal, but that’s okay, I can deal with less than ideal outcomes 🙂