Hi Tee

Hmm I don’t really understand how you reach some of the conclusions. It is probably my autism that is getting in the way of that again.

I worried that previous conflicts with Anita might make it difficult for her to trust me in conflict. I wanted to show her my nature and that I’m not trying to hurt her. ❤️

I find it easier to engage with someone from a gentle place. I have included my feelings about the conflict to Anita in small chunks, so as not to overwhelm. Trying to gently build an understanding of my perspective. Perhaps it might be because I have autism and C-PTSD. I feel like I might understand some of the difficulties. Not that Tourette’s and ADHD are the same. But there are things about neurodivergence that is easy to misunderstand especially in conflict especially for people might not be familiar with it. ❤️

I’m a very direct person and not very observant. That can be a bit intense during conflict. I had also never really considered what people might be feeling might be feeling for most of my life. I purely relied on them telling me. It is only having a baby that can’t communicate that has lead me to try to work harder at understanding non-verbal cues and interpret what people might feel. I’ve been learning and working very hard on how I come across and present myself in conflict. ❤️

I know that because of my C-PTSD I get afraid in conflict, even watching it between two people. I don’t mean this in a bad way Tee. But I don’t know how you respond in conflict because this is the first time I’m seeing you in a conflict. A lot of the time you have been defending yourself quite strongly. I felt afraid, not knowing how you might react to me. If that makes sense? ❤️

It was just a fear. Not reality. ❤️

Hmm well that is another priority I have that takes higher presidense over my need for things to be calmer. I care about being supportive, more than about calming down the conflict if that makes sense?

I feel like being alone in these things and not having your needs met would be quite challenging. ❤️

I am working on a reply, just wanted to let you all know

Hello Everyone 😊:

Jana, about 8 hours ago: “Please, let’s not argue 🙏🦋..I have to stop, too.. I have been too effected.. flashbacks from bullying.. the atmosphere is too intense.. Let’s rest, please.”

Jana, a few hours ago: “Tee, Alessa, Anita and others.. I do believe that we can reach some peace, respect and compassion… It might be a bit harder, but in the end if we stay open and we really want to, we can make the best of it and learn, become better at dealing with these tough conflicts.”-

Jana, you deserve peace, respect, and compassion—both in real life and here, in the thread you started. In this post, I’ll do my very best to help resolve conflict and shift the too-intense atmosphere toward something calmer. I’ve signaled that intention with the 😊 above, and I’ll continue placing this emoji at the start of every post I share in this thread, as a way to let you know that a calm, positive message is to follow.

I want to start with feelings—with how I feel this Saturday morning, here. As I sit in this comfortable reclining chair, I see the green trees beyond the large, open windows in front of me. I hear the hum of the refrigerator behind me, and.. three distinct bird calls. One of them is a bluejay. I just noticed that my breathing is constrained, so I took a few deeper breaths. I feel centered, calm. I want to feel compassion for all the participants in this thread. Can I do it? Let’s find out. I’ll be typing whatever comes to mind—no editing.

I already feel compassion for Alessa. I can hardly believe that I used to be afraid of you, Alessa, and at times angry as well. I figure I did because I misunderstood you. Now that I believe that I understand you more than ever, all I feel is
affection, compassion and gratitude.

Jana- at times, I felt threatened by you- when what I read from you felt like criticism and rejection. But now, as I did many times in the past, I feel compassion for you too. Actually, I felt it on the day you started this thread (“I feel nothing but affection for you.”, Aug 13). I was so happy you returned to the forums!

* It occurred to me just now that if I stop taking things so personally, I wouldn’t become so defensive. What happened so often is that a bit of criticism, if said unkindly, or without kindness- felt like too much criticism.. like an attack that I needed to defend myself from- most often, by withdrawing, no longer interacting with the person. I think that this is changing because of this thread.

Lucidity- for a long time now- I felt betrayed by you because after the extensive communication on another thread- you took a stand against me without addressing me. Affection doesn’t come easy. I brought up the image of you blending ingredients for a carrot cake (from your YouTube video). I imagine sitting in your kitchen waiting for the cake to be baked. Intoxicating fragrance! We talk, your voice is soft.. I just said, in my mind: I like you, Lucidity. There’s the affection.

Peter- I was hurt when I sent you an inner child type message, reaching out to the boy in you.. and no response from you. my response: I decided to never talk to you again. I took your no-response as rejection of the girl in me. But now, I am thinking: maybe you never noticed that message. If you did, maybe you felt uncomfortable reading it and responding to it would have been distressful for you. Having known you in these forums through the years, I know that you weren’t trying to hurt me. And now, as I am typing these very words, I find myself smiling with affection.

Brandy- I felt angry and defensive reading your criticisms of me (taking a deeper breath). I felt like defending myself just now, but no. Just relax into the feelings: the fear is deeper than the anger. When I pay attention to the fear and give it space.. the anger is nowhere to be found. It just occurred to me that your criticisms matter to me because I value you and your participation in the forums ever since 2017.. We were both 8 years younger back then. Inky was a regular in the forums back then. I miss her! Anyway, I digress. You have put so much effort trying to help members in these forums over the years. yes, here it is, a smile on my face, affection for you.

Tee- this is difficult but I can do it.

Affection Warning: if I express affection for you, Tee, I imagine you cringing because you’re clearly very angry at me. Please feel free to skip what follows.

I think it’s cute the way you address me: “Anita,”- not Dear Anita, or Hi Anita.. This is Angry Tee. I used to be way more fearful of people’s anger than I am this morning. Someone’s anger felt catastrophic, but this morning- I am able to see it as something cute.. and here’s the smile on my face: affection for Tee.

In regard to the topic of Accountability- I am willing to address it.

Today, Tee wrote: “I feel true conflict resolution can’t come about without accountability on both sides.”-

Would you like to elaborate on accountability on your side, Tee- in regard to the nature of your participation in this thread as well as what preceded it?

I just felt fear of Tee’s response..

Still learning, still open—Anita 😊

Hi Tee 😊

Thank you for the “Hi.”

You asked me to start first. I’d like to remind you that, in the post I submitted less than an hour ago, I ended with:

“I just felt fear of Tee’s response…”

That fear is still present. I’m afraid, Tee, because in this thread you’ve repeatedly attacked me and, at times, seemed to rally others to join in. I hoped that if you were willing to hold yourself accountable for contributing to an unsafe atmosphere here, it might become safe enough for me to reflect on my own accountability—especially regarding what preceded this thread.

As things stand, I worry that if I express any accountability, it will be judged as insufficient or unacceptable to you and lead to more attacks. That fear makes it difficult to engage openly.

I’m still here, though. Still breathing. Still willing to try.

Anita

Hi Tee:

I am ready and willing to look back over the past communications, share new realizations (that I don’t currently have), and take full accountability for any and all wrongdoings that I may detect, but.. like I said, I am afraid of your reactions.

For example, you accused me of lying about not remember who I was thinking about when I wrote one particular sentence in one of my many long SOCJ posts. I didn’t lie, Tee. I knew I was thinking of someone in the forums, just didn’t remember whom.

What if I do all the honest, difficult (and it will be difficult!) work of revisiting and processing past communications (with a beginning mind) only to be told that I am lying..?

That will hurt a lot!

See my difficulty?

Anita

Thank you for your understanding and kindness Tee! ❤️

I was wondering why you chose to defend yourself instead of walking away from the conversation when you saw that it might not be fruitful? ❤️

I am willing to prioritize other things for the moment. My own self-care for example.

It feels to me like you keep suggesting to me that everything is about Anita for me. I don’t understand why it might be being suggested? I don’t feel that way. ❤️

I don’t want to discuss my feelings deeply in that kind of environment because it is really stressful for me. It has been going on for days and now I have to take a break and do some self-care before revisiting things. Also, I believe that Anita might have been distracted from my conversation because of the intensity of her conversation with you.❤️

My culture is very big on apologies, like Canadians. It is something that I generally expect and a boundary that I set with people in conflict.

I didn’t expect this to be resolved very quickly given that it usually takes a while for Anita to reflect and apologize. I try to have realistic expectations of people.

I guess that my perspective on conflict where someone hasn’t apologized yet is that we can meet our own needs and others can meet our needs. It doesn’t have to be the person that hurt us at the time.

I did defend myself. I don’t like to do it strongly personally. It makes me feel bad when I hurt others, even in an argument. Even when they have hurt me. I’m a very principled person.

She has C-PTSD. I wasn’t talking about the most recent conflict. In the past, I have been more reactive, defensive and critical during arguments. She was afraid of me. I imagine that in conflict those memories and fears might creep in. By being consistently kind, perhaps she might see me in a different way?

I know that I have tried my best in this recent conflict.

Usually, moderators just tell people to stop being rude, delete comments and call it a day, possibly do 24 hour bans. I’ve never seen a moderation team handle things in the way they do here. It’s a little strange to me.

I mean, I don’t think the conflict on this thread has been respectful. I reported it for moderation and it was decided that it was respectful enough unless someone asks for something to change. It is a little bizarre to me. Not the first time I have seen moderators taking a passive approach. I just feel more comfortable in communities with more active moderation approaches.

I would agree that I potentially tried too much. I have a habit of doing that for people and I feel like others rarely do the same thing for me. I don’t know how to reconcile that. The idea does make me sad that I try harder for others than I do for myself. I need to work on things being more even. ❤️

Hi Tee and Anita

I have a suggestion. Please feel free to take it as you will.

How about a compromise? That is what happens in a healthy conflict, is it not?

Anita has indicated that she is willing to compromise.

Tee are you? ❤️