Perhaps you could both work together to find an agreeable compromise? ❤️

Hi Tee

I think what Anita is trying to say is that she chose her words carefully.

She doesn’t remember if it was both of us, or if it was me.

She is being honest. ❤️

Notice that she just said that she just remembered how this argument began in the first place. Perhaps you had forgotten how it started? ❤️

English is also not Anita’s first language. Perhaps we could try actually listening to what she has to say with an open mind that she is being honest.

Hi Anita,

Oh, I just remembered how or why my conflict with you Tee, started. I remember that you suggested that I am yet to feel compassion for my mother, and that feeling compassion for her will help me.

I explained to you- in detail and repeatedly that I felt TOO MUCH compassion for her my whole life, that I drowned in compassion for her (her pain was Everything, mine was Nothing), and yet you insisted, Tee, that I didn’t yet- or should feel compassion for her.

That was hurtful and .. it made me feel terrible.

As I said back then, I might have used the term compassion clumsily, and as it turned out, out of touch with your feelings and your process. And I apologized for it more than once. I also explained what I meant by it, and that it doesn’t mean suddenly loving your mother and forgetting the abuse she has done to you and exposing yourself to further abuse. Not at all.

I don’t want to go into details of my post about compassion, actually my two posts, one following the other, the second one explaining in greater detail what I actually meant (if someone wants to take a look, those are posts 448021 and 448026, on page 15 of Anita’s thread: Life worth Living).

The point is that I apologized and told you that I’m not trying to push my ideas on you, and that I respect your healing process.

But you weren’t happy with my notion that compassion is something to strive for, even after I’ve explained what I meant. And so you stopped communicating with me and addressed me via Copilot. And then, immediately, without me having a chance to respond, you switched into a higher gear and suggested that not only I’m not supportive of you, but that my lack of support for you is somehow harmful for the community as well. You posted this on July 30, 2025:

Alessa, you are incredible.

The way you support me, your empathy.. is irreplaceable. I don’t ever want to lose it. You are .. the bee’s knees, one of a kind.

Gerard.. are you there?

Tee: Neither here nor there, not with me, not against me. Maybe here, maybe there. Nothing I can hold on to.

Community- isn’t it about we coming together, for the betterment of “we”?

And that’s where I felt the sting. It was really unfair and hurtful. That’s where I decided to withdraw from your thread. I was probably influenced also by the fact that you wanted to stop communication with me already after my first two initial posts, which you deemed problematic. You felt so offended that you didn’t want to keep talking. But we’d continued for a bit more, until you cut the communication completely and started accusing me of having a detrimental effect on the community.

I understand that you were hurt and upset about my initial two posts, and I’ve apologized multiple times. But my apology wasn’t good enough for you. You were so upset that you refused to have anything to do with me from that point on, and switched to accusing me of all manners of things, first openly, then in a veiled manner, without mentioning my name.

I wonder how you feel about it now?

If this situation doesn’t improve shortly, I’m going to have to prioritize my self-care over being supportive. I cannot cope with this kind of prologued stress. ❤️

Hi Alessa,

I think what Anita is trying to say is that she chose her words carefully.

She doesn’t remember if it was both of us, or if it was me.

Well, the point I was trying to make in that post is that she was accusing either one of us or both of us of being similar to her mother. It wasn’t a third community member. In fact, now that I’ve taken a look at the original posts, she was probably accusing only me (Keep current invalidating people out of my personal space: people who continue my mother’s work of invalidation and judgment.. however politely..), because at that point, she was still okay with you, she saw you as supportive.

I’m not trying to defend Anita, just stating facts and trying to prevent another argument.

I appreciate you aiming for precision, but my post on Sept 4 wasn’t about claiming who exactly she was talking about (it could have been only 2 people, and actually now I see it was probably only me, based on the timing).

The point of my post was that Anita felt we were abusing her, and she wrote in her journal as if we were abusing her. In that post, I suggested that this was her perception, based on her emotional reasoning, not the reality, and whether she is willing to consider that. I think that now lamenting whether it was just me or both of us whom she was talking about is beside the point.

And Alessa, I’m certainly not interested in another argument with Anita. I’m interested in facts, and I’d be happy if we could engage truthfully and honestly.

Hi Tee

I understand that. I don’t think that she was trying to suggest that it was a different party. Just my perception.

She has never denied that has been talking about us. Simply that she believed it was okay to refer to us indirectly.

I know I’m just stressed, overwhelmed and want to enjoy my weekend. Sorry Tee. ❤️