* mentally foggy and short sighted that I posted the same emoji 3 times at the top.. lol

Dear Anita,

thank you for your heartfelt message. I fully understand your need to take a break from this thread to process and integrate everything that transpired. I can imagine it’s been hard for you to reach this point:

It’s been very difficult for me to get to this point.. the point of accountability: admitting fault.. going as far as seeing troubling similarities between my mother and me. It’s a LOT. I need time to turn inward and process.

Yes, it is a lot. It’s hugely important that you could self-reflect and see certain patterns that you may not have been aware of before. I’m impressed by your ability to turn inward and start examining everything: “the way I think, feel and behave- online and in real-life.”

Take your time, Anita, and let all of this sink. You’ve been brave, staying present and not withdrawing from the conflict, even when your first instinct was to run. I’m happy that you could stay present with difficult feelings – which I reckon was more painful initially, but eventually it lead you to a new place within you.

I believe that my experience with you, in this thread, is a life changer for me. You made a major, positive difference in my life, and for that I am forever grateful.

Thank you, Anita. Well, it came about through a pretty big storm, but as the saying goes, all is well that ends well… 🙂 And I’m happy that on the other side, there’s a new awareness, a new sense of you, as it seems.

I wish you deep healing and days fills with self-love, self-compassion, peace and calm. And patience. A lot of patience and gentleness with yourself. You deserve it, Anita.

Good luck to you! See you in a bit! ❤️

Hi Jana and all,

I love your questions about how to set boundaries (and handle conflict in general) in a respectful, compassionate, yet assertive way.

I think Alessa exemplified setting boundaries in exactly such a way, when she asked Anita to stop posting hurtful comments in her SOCJ journal. This is what Alessa said:

Hi Anita
I appreciate that you’re going through something right now.

Boundaries are a two way street. If you don’t want replies. It is important to stop making painful assumptions about people that you don’t want to talk to you. You might not understand what you are doing is hurtful. It is. Which is why you have been asked to stop multiple times. No one has to stay quiet whilst you talk about them. It is a public space.

I am not criticising you. I am managing my own boundaries as someone you are repeatedly talking about. I am allowed to take care of myself, just as you are allowed to take care of yourself.

Honestly, I don’t need this stress. If you don’t stop I’m just going to leave because I don’t have the emotional bandwidth to deal with it right now. I really don’t like conflict because of my PTSD which is really bad right now.

On a side note, I don’t even understand why you got upset at me in the first place. You didn’t want to discuss it. I would like to work things out and listen to you when you are ready to talk. This might be the last thing I say, so take care in advance. I wish you well and healing on your journey.❤️

I think Alessa showed bountiful compassion and understanding for Anita and her pain, but she also explained what’s bothering her (i.e. what is hurtful to her) and asked Anita to stop. She also set a consequence if Anita doesn’t respond to her plea: that she would withdraw from the conversation.

And that’s what the experts say is a true boundary: not only expressing a preference of how we would like to be treated, but as the next step (if the person ignores our plea), expressing what will be the consequence of that, i.e. how our behavior/actions will change.

I think Alessa’s is truly a beautiful example of setting a boundary in a loving, compassionate, and yet assertive way. ❤️

Adding to the ending of my post right above: Thank you, Tee for all your wishes for me and I wish you all these things back. You definitely deserve them!

Hi Lucidity

It was brave of you to share about the difficulties you have overcome. ❤️

I had similar difficulties as a result of my trauma. The way I think about it is that to survive as children we identify with our abusers and internalise their narratives. To be honest, I think most people do. Very few people communicate in a truly healthy way during conflict. It is just not something that is actively taught in society. ❤️

I have learned to view any kind of negativity in my mind with suspicion that this kind of narrative might be active.

Who does it sound like? Who does it remind me of is a question I ask myself to step back from identifying with negative thoughts and see them for what they are.

When is the earliest time I remember feeling this way? Is another good question to ask myself when I’m emotional to unpick traumatic memories from the present.

What are the facts that I know about someone’s character? To help me see someone as they are.

To manage the intensity of my emotions, I realise that they are faulty because of my neurodivergence and PTSD. Misfiring, so I can’t make decisions based on the intensity. I try to consider the reality of situations. What is the severity of them? Is anyone physically hurt or in physical danger? Most often, not. I try to rate from 1-10 the realistic severity of the situation and try to self-soothe to match emotional intensity of the number. If that makes sense? ❤️