Hi Lucidity

Thank you for sharing your thoughts! ❤️

Congratulations on learning to manage things with your difficult family members! Not an easy thing to do at all.

I can understand having difficulty with not being seen. Ultimately, I think it is okay to be hurt. As long as you see your pain, you are still being seen. These things are definitely complicated. I feel like there is no right or wrong answer. Everyone just finds their own way. ❤️

Hi silvery blue
“I just sometimes wish that others who come into conflict with me would think of me that way, too… Sometimes I feel like I’m trying my best and I’m all alone.”

I’ve felt that same loneliness

It is funny-sad, isn’t it? In an age overflowing with tools for communication we often find ourselves more fragmented, misunderstood, and lonely than ever. More “connected” than any generation before us, yet deep connection feels rarer. We have endless ways to express ourselves, yet language feels more fragile, more easily misread.

We seek safe spaces, yet risk losing the courage to engage bravely… and for that I have no answer.

Ahh, sorry for the confusion Silvery Blue. I was referring to this part of what you had posted:

“I know that not everyone is so fortunate as I am. And that makes me feel that I should be more responsible and careful.
I feel like more fortunate people have to give more to those less fortunate… especially in hard times… And don’t get me wrong. I think it is right… But sometimes I end up with the feelings of being overlooked… as if my feelings, my needs, are suddenly not as important as those who are still dealing with trauma or difficulties”

I was trying to say that we are all deserving of being considered and more so in close relationships. Our feelings and needs matter and while we should meet them ourselves too, its just as important to have support from others who can meet us with them. That’s what builds closeness. Depending on where we start from, it might be healthier for us to look more within or more outwith for it. There’s no single right way for all. Putting in the self-work, the restraint, and dealing with others who do not turn up in a healthy way can be a good thing to do if we want to use these encounters as challenges in how to grow but if its happening a lot with a specific person then it may be better to let go of it – at least in that encounter for that day. Let our feelings work themselves out, soothe ourselves, and maybe go back in if we want to, if we have that choice. When it comes to trauma, and definitely cPTSD where we have been dealing with it for a long time, I think its better to leave what doesn’t serve us. If we decided to not align with our moral values in favour our needs, then that’s ok, especially if our values are leaving us drained because we are dealing with people who habitually do not consider us. Not everything has to be seen out to be used as a lesson in how to grow. In my case, that was a trap that kept me stuck. The people I was interacting with expected that from me and, with it being the prosocial thing to do, I would yield to this treatment and further reinforce their expectation. The thing with cPTSD is that we are often told to be the bigger person with someone who refuses to be the bigger person.

I’ve just gotten a grasp of how to tell when a new post has been made so I see what you mean that the forums are not very active. Nothing like facebook for example where there is so much feedback and trolling! I recently saw a post about giving feedback to others and its made me think twice about giving feedback at all. You’ve mentioned something similar:

“On forums and in life, in conflict and out of conflict, we must ask… and not assume that people see the world through our suffering, difficulties and aspirations.”

I see how that is beneficial but we may not necessarily know about the worlds of others. It appears that many who post have a long history that is already known here and so a new comer coming in and offering advice is not really able to take all of that into account to give comprehensive feedback. But then again, we are all just random people online and the forum allows for anyone to respond to anyone else. In those cases not all posters can know everything that has been discussed before. I fully understand that when it comes to spaces where healing and trauma are at the core, we should be considerate and supportive, but that’s when I feel like I’m  walking on egg shells. How to make a start when there are considerations to take into account that are beyond what a newcomer can know? On your point that you believe that the trauma emphasised here is on abusive mothers, I can’t speak to that in particular as I dont know to be honest but I do see that generational trauma from parent to child is common on most places to do with healing and trauma. The issue I feel that speak to me personally is this point:

“…recurring conflicts due to misunderstandings around this topic… And that doesn’t offer a sense of safety.”

For sure – misunderstandings are going to happen. I think a large part of it is that, because there are so few voices here, one instance of it can really alter the dynamic of the place. It can end up feeling a bit unsafe, a little political. So how to encourage more openness and honesty, more voices? I guess that’s really an issue for marketing and PR. Is there anything we can do about it other than engage faithfully with what is here already?

Thanks Alessa 🙂 Difficult family members take a lot of mental space. It took my whole life so far to learn how to deal with this.

“I wonder what happens if we just listen to each other instead of being stuck in our own heads, worrying.”

Ideally it should simplify things but human communication is such a complicated thing lol. Things that are unsaid can be as detrimental as things that are said. I reckon getting out of our heads about it is probably all we can do sometimes.

I think your on the track worth exploring Silvery Blue.

The following is a break down of a paper from Arao and Clemens (2013) – From Safe Spaces to Brave Spaces – which I found helpful

The idea of safe spaces and trigger warnings is relatively new, emerging alongside digital communities and campus conversations about inclusion. At their core, these concepts were meant to create environments where people, especially those from marginalized groups, could feel protected from hostility and harm. Over time, though, the meaning shifted. Safe spaces often became associated with comfort, focusing on external protection rather than helping people build inner resilience. Ironically, this sometimes made participants feel less safe to speak honestly, worried that disagreement might be seen as harm.

Trigger warnings added another layer of complexity. While they were designed to give people space to prepare for difficult content, the responsibility for managing emotional triggers often shifted almost entirely to the community. This created an expectation that environments should be completely free of discomfort. Yet when someone discovers they are easily triggered, part of the work is internal learning how to recognize and gradually disarm those triggers, rather than relying solely on external control. This balance between communal care and personal resilience being essential for growth.

That’s why the concept of brave spaces has gained attention. Instead of promising total safety, brave spaces acknowledge that real conversations, especially about identity, justice, and difference will involve discomfort. The goal isn’t to eliminate risk but to create a culture of respect where people can speak honestly, listen deeply, and stay engaged even when it’s hard. It’s about courage and care, not comfort at all costs.

I’m encouraged that many in the therapeutic and educational fields have recognized these challenges and are working to restore balance emphasizing both compassion and resilience as essential for healthy dialogue.

I like to think it’s possible to create spaces that balance care with candor, where people feel supported without avoiding the hard conversations that help us grow.

Hi
I find these two guidelines from Thich Nat Han helpful – May I have integrity in all my relationships & May I keep my judgement clear.
I have a spare phone which I lend out when visitors come to stay at my meditation centre so that they can contact me easily & cheaply. Any way over a number of days it would ring with a private number & no-one would speak. One evening it happened again & then a text came thru “Sorry dont give work to people who put the phone down. So I replied that they had the wrong number & that I didnt have my glasses on when it rang so I had pressed the wrong number. His reply was you must be thick along with another one calling me daft. I replied that I am old & technophobic. Then he said he was stressed because he had just starting a major job. My reply was No worries That is a massif job good luck. he corrected me for my bad spelling. my reply was that ok I am daft dumb & blind but luckily I still have my sense of humor. We had a few more pleasant texts back & forward. I am so glad that I didnot bite back & get nasty with him. He was just trying to give someone a job & there was someone out there waiting for his call so that they could earn a living.
I think all of us on Tiny Buddha are trying to do our best to be supportive & spread peace & understanding.

Sorry, I was writing to stay awake for my son to give him his medicine late at night.

To be clear, I do think that everyone has important needs. I don’t judge anyone for skills that they simply haven’t learned or unlearned yet. I have had a lot of struggles in communication with my own PTSD and neurodivergence. I understand how painful it is to have difficulties with these things. I also understand that everyone has different needs and boundaries.

My wish is for everyone to feel supported in conflict. ❤️

Hi Silvery Blue

It makes sense to me. I think you raised something I have and suspect many feel at times when conversations have led to misunderstandings and or silence. It can feel like the only way to keep things safe is to hold back part of ourselves which leave us feeling alone and unheard. Even naming this tension feels risky as I worry it might sound like conflict.

As you wrote, the commitment to compassion and respect can feel lonely. I suspect the best we can do is hold that tension with the same compassion and respect we hope to offer others. Which I know does not resolve that ’empty feeling’…

Which leads me to something I’ve noticed about myself and wonder if others have which is judging our selves for even having those feelings. A kind of double bind where on one hand you want to honor others, so you hold back and then feel unseen and guilty for “making it about me.” The very values that guide us in a way making it harder to give ourselves grace. It’s like compassion turns inward as self-criticism instead of self-kindness.

The knots we tie ourselves in. I imagine one of the reasons the Buddha laughs.

I don’t known, perhaps naming such knots and recognizing our humanness is enough for this moment?