Hi Yana

I worry that bringing up the past could be hurtful.

I know you don’t mean badly by it. ❤️

I think the difficulty with trauma is that it occurs so frequently. I don’t think it is overused, just under reported. As a community people are learning to finally speak out about it.

One of the difficulties with crime is the extremely high correlation with substance use. Alcohol and / or drugs. Most people are under the influence at the time of arrest. These things mess with boundaries and can easily lead to impulsive and harmful behaviour.

❤️

Hi Yana

I know that you are trying to help by addressing difficult things. I doubt it will change anything though. ❤️

You are not the only person feeling unheard. What can you do though? You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink.

You are not alone. I understand the difficulty. You are a deeply caring person and I know that you don’t mean anything bad by it. It is just a difficult situation, for everyone. ❤️

Anita usually apologizes when she is ready. She values these things being genuine feelings and she is hurt too. I imagine it might take some time to deal with these hurt feelings. It just means being patient. It sounds like she has been reflecting because I noticed her say that she has more work to do. ❤️

Maybe I am wrong, but this is how she usually handles things.

You are always welcome here and I hear you! ❤️

Hi Yana

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. You are a dear friend to me. I just worry, both about you and everyone else. ❤️

It is really difficult for me in general managing conflicts with multiple people, let alone on a public forum.

Is there anything else you feel you need to say to feel heard? ❤️

Hi ❤️

Silvery Blue 🙂 Not at all – theres no distrespect of tactlessness that I feel going on. Please also let me know if you sense that from me. Different cultural norms obviously colour the way we deal with things ad the expectations we carry. For sure – being heard is definitely a human need. Its universal and one of the ways in which to feel connection with somone and knowing others care to hear us out is a huge part of what brings us a sense of mental well being. Where I said its important to be clear on why our message should be heard by others, it sounds like you want to say something and are looking for an opening to say it but because it is about how something played out here, you are reluctant to. Altho I think you have said it to a certain extent (it appears that way to me)?

So my considerations could be what is the reason I want to speak on it and who do I think needs to hear it or who do I want to direct it to? There have been times where I have stood up for some injustice only to find that, even tho others may agree with me, me taking the stand mainly achieved to make myself a pariah despite having widespread agreement from many people when I was on a one on one basis with them. Another consideration is what is the outcome you are after? Are you looking to reveal this to us all here (audience and platform)? Would it be more suited as a one on one, perhaps an email? Would it be better to frame it as a more impersonal and general message about injustice, that justice is important to you? Or is it that you want those who were mistreated to feel supported? Its not that its not warrented to stand up for others, but if those who were directly involved in the conflict are ok with it playing out as it has so far then is there any further need for action? If you think there is then perhaps reflect on why this is an issue for you. I’m not saying that it shouldn’t be but its in breaking it down like this that we can learn more about why things are important to us and which part of us has come out to make themselves be felt, most often because of an injustice done to them in the past. Maybe it is that part of us who needs to be felt, heard, and soothed? Did they have boundies that were overstept that they want to communicate to us maybe? Please be assured that I am not saying that this is what I think you must do, or even that it is my analysis of your situation. Its simply what I would do. For me, I call that shadow work and it takes a lot of the emotional stickiness I felt in a situation right out.

I think along similar lines to Alessa in that we need to account for how we respond to those who may have done so while triggered. If we have that fortitude then thats the ideal time to practise it (ideally, its not easy, I fail in this a lot 🙁 ) Even so, whoever you are talking about, as Peter said, the ones with the trigger are the ones who need to be mindful of it. It is their responsibility. My personal stance is that I’ll give kids all the understanding and support they need. I will do it to a certain extent with adults if they are in my inner circle. For people outside of that, its on a case by case basis. I do not give people the permission to mistreat me anymore and my absorbing it once or twice is ok. Ill warn them that this was not ideal but if I keep on having to do it then I reassess my relationship with this person. Do you feel you have been mistreated perhaps? I think everyone on this thread is being respectful enough. That’s my impression tho. Like I said with shadow work, is this a calling from a part of you who did go thro mistreatment and wants to make a stand now?

I spend time building resiliency when it comes to this type of thing which is basically an exercise in self-soothing and realising and feeling thro that I may indeed be alone in this but that is ok. Parent me will take care of kid me. I can take it and in this instance I have to because the person who could help me isn’t. I look at it from the perspective of how I dealt with it and not how I felt let down by others which is the flipside altho I do soothe them too. I love all parts of me individually 🙂

Others letting me down is a fact of life in the same way that others can lift me up being as much a fact of life too. It still hurts and sometimes it reopens wounds but chances are you arent being hurt in isolation of reality. You asked if it was normal for family and friends or people who want to connect to hear us out. I agree that they should but my life has taught me that this is not often the case sadly. There are some people who cannot accept our message for what it is. There are some who never will. Then there are some who may be more receptive to it but you have to figure out how to go about doing it. Hugs! This is hard to live thro and some days it hits us harder than others.

I am open to hearing you out but as an outsider I dont know how much that will help. The offer is there.

❤️

Thanks Yana! 🫂 🙏 ❤️ 😊

I wonder if you ever protected yourself as fiercely as you protect others? Or ever had anyone that protected like that? ❤️

Dear Silvery Blue (or you prefer Jana?),

I really appreciate you starting this thread and exploring ways to remain compassionate and open-hearted even during conflict.

I also appreciate that you noticed the mistreatment that happened on the forums and named it:

And about this forum…

I have to say that for me… the words that were said in the conflict that took place here in this forum… that people who have a different opinion are “invalidating” and continuing the work of a person who was truly cruel… are really hard.

I know that the moment of trigger can blind us and we say things we really don’t mean. I did it. I came back and apologized, because I felt I crossed the line… It makes the difference: see, understand and acknowledge my own mistake and apologize.

But… to be accused of being the same as an abuser for different opinions… on a public forum… and let it go silent… that can hurt a lot… and it can last long time…

Thank you for acknowledging what happened. Luckily, it didn’t go silent. I didn’t want to stay silent so I reacted, and certain measures were taken. Also, other people chimed it and showed their support, for which I am very grateful.

Unfortunately, Anita chose to stop communicating, and judging from her posts on other threads (as well as here, at the very beginning of the thread), she still believes she is the party that has been harmed, and that by shutting down communication, she is protecting herself from further harm.

Unfortunately, that is her view and nothing can be done about it. I’m afraid this is one of those unsolvable conflicts, as Lucidity put it, where (at least for now) there is no possibility for satisfactory resolution. It does leave a bitter taste in the mouth, but we can’t do much but “radically accept” that that’s the current state of affairs.

I should stop trying so hard to make this place safe… to make it what Peter wrote about… to create a culture of respect where people can speak honestly, listen deeply, and stay engaged even when it’s hard. It’s about courage and care, not comfort at all costs.

Dear Jana, I think that by starting this thread and getting the people to talk about this sensitive, yet extremely important topic – you already contributed to making these forums a safer space. Because of you, we’re now talking about it and exploring various aspects of what it means to be compassionate in the face of conflict. Thank you for that!

I came to a realization that in my strong need to protect others, I always lose myself in the end. But when I try to break this habit, I always hit a wall.

Thank you for trying to protect people who were directly involved (myself included), as well as the safety of the forums! <3 In that endeavor, you haven’t lost yourself – you remained true to yourself. And you were willing to explore even your own triggers and look deeper into yourself, which is truly a sign of maturity.

You have a big heart, Jana, and I’m very grateful for your presence here! <3