I am someone pretty confident about myself, but I was so into not wanting to lose him, that I eventually began to feel obligated somewhere or the other, because I knew we were very different people , and I really thought that maybe I had begun to become too much for him now, which was so wrong to feel for oneself.

by different people I mean,

– background wise we r quite different

he is not very expressive and is more of workaholic because , in his family , they donot interact  very much , but I on the other hand belong in a family where we r too closely knit, and I can say that I am actually bonded to my family.So , he kind of doesnt relate to the attachement that I have with my sisters, how ,whenever she is around I kind of priortize hangouts with her, over anything else.

Once I asked him , who is he closest too at his home.(although he might havent thought so much before answering)

he said , “I am closest to the charging point of my house, what can you even expect lol”

anyways

also , I believe I have had a lot of trouble in the past figuring things out for myself , academically( I used to be a really good student and still am,but not as efficient as I used to be ,because I have stopped believing in myself somewhere, when it comes to toughtimes) , but during my entrance preparation , I have been through some tough times due to lack of resources( not financially but demographically or so)

( which I know he cannot relate to any extent) ,

so , that had affected me real bad, like I cannot mention how bad I am still in trauma due to that phase, half of my life problems exist because I am unable to let go of that fear, and take leaps of faith .

on the otherhand, he is an overachiever to say, he is very confident in himself when it comes to acads and getting things done, and he is very efficient.He doesnt have a lot of interests apart from studies, for eg, I am quite proficient in music ,dance as well as dramatics, so I have some part of my day alloted to that, and I am not as efficient as he is (which I think is normal)

so , he kind of didnt use to like it , when I used to keep some of my work hanging ,and he as a good friend , used to keep reminding me of getting it done(but I used to find it difficult to tell him , how anxious I am getting regarding the work, and am stuck somewhere , so avoiding it ,because I knew he would neither relate to it , nor have the empathy to understand, that I dont work in the same way, I take time in letting myself believe I can get it sorted or so).I used to find it difficult to even ask him to help me with it , because I felt, as though he might think I am dumb(which is I know, my problem, but i didnt know how to work around it)

So, its not that I donot put effort on myself thinking about this comparatively better quality of him, but I would feel better obviously if he understood how I work, and had some empathy.

ALSO,

after reading all this please dont suggest me therapy , because , I know my family would nt understand so its not possible

and I think if one really gives oneself time, they eventually do heal on there own

Yes anita,

I used to blame myself for not being able to do perform things upto the mark, that I expect myself to knowing what I am capable off but due to some events I must say I had eventually gotten exhausted because I was losing my work life balance (and I didnt even know such concept exists, then)

So that kind of screwed me up, and still has

I am sorry, if its getting overly complicated here, with my posts

Dear Anita,

yes I totally get it, I felt the same , that I have been bothering you guys as well as myself by going round the circle again and again with the same thing instead of letting it go.

I dont know if any bad experience in my childhood has been the source of obsession or not, but I would try to make sense with what I am about to say.

I used to be a really good student academically , and then I started off with my entrance preparation , where I kind of got messed up , becuase I wasnt getting the kind of enviroment I needed. Ppl around me where kind of toxic, most of them being boys in my coaching, I used to find it difficult to bond , because nobody wanted me in their grps, as they were all guys who didnt consider it cool to take me (a girl) in their grp however good may I be.

My teachers had started to blame me , for my poor test performance (because I had joined the coaching late, due to health issues).I feel , believing in their words, blindly ,was the main reason for me losing confidence in myself. They used to always say , how they really expected exceptional performance from me, yet I am messing it all up. I didnt take it very well, I started considering myself as extremely inefficient, whenevr I used to sit to study I used to keep obsessing over how and why I joined late, and the way things could have been .Being around toxic batch mates ,who used to kind of attempt to pin me down during classes , on the basis of the quality of performance or so, wasnt helping either.

And now , when I look back , I feel really bad , for that self of me, how much she suffered everyday, there used to be so many days, I didnt use to even feel like getting up in the morning, because I ll have to go through the same pattern everyday,and I was unable to break myself out of it.My family used to support me a lot, my sister used to often sit with me on video calls , to help me concentrate while she be working. My mom , used to stay up at night until I would stop crying and fall asleep.

I felt as if though I was losing my identity, this used to define me, being the smartest kid in the class, being really fast , but now, I was losing it , I was in a race , where there were thousands of people better than me, and I had never compared myself to anyone before, but I guess thats what a competitive exam kind of does to you.

I wish I could go back and tell the 17 year old self ,how it was ok to let go, because there are bigger things waiting, and I will get it anyways( because now, when I am in college , I see an entirely different picture , to what I used to imagine then, and its so much better)

I hope this info helps , you to understand my POV