My leaving has usually been fairly short lived but the last time it lasted 4 weeks during which time I was not at all at ease. I stayed in a rented house, on my own mostly but also spent quality time with the lady I mentioned with whom I have had a long term relationship. I was in a rather depressed state of high anxiety for much of the time. I’m not quite sure why I went back or how it really happened other than I didn’t go “no contact” so somehow got reeled back in to the trap. To be honest it is all a bit vague and I was something of a wreck in terms of my mental health. Going back was a big mistake and as soon as I was back the thoughts of leaving returned at least as strong as ever, if not more so.

Hello Anita – I’m not sure I understand your question exactly – “What is that relationship like?” other than to say it is a very positive and intimate relationship and we get on very well despite lots of difficulties over many years. My original posting contained more detail. If you need to know something specific then please feel free to ask a specific question.

Anita. I’m happy to answer anything. Please feel free to ask.

Anita – I am not sure I am interested in promoting my wife’s happiness anymore but her unhappy performances have a bad influence on me and cause me great emotional turmoil so it is the negative side of her behaviour that I have become conditioned to avoid through the brainwashing by her abusive behaviour. As regards your question about intimate moments, there haven’t been any for decades. We have slept in separate rooms for around 25 years and there has been no physical intimacy for over 30 years. I don’t like being around her and do not like her touching me. I am repulsed by the thought of physical contact with her. In the early days of the marriage she exhibited so much verbal and psychological aggression, which was a big turn-off for me. The marriage was dead in that respect right from the beginning. Around 20 years ago she asked me if I was gay, which I am not. She concluded that I wasn’t much interested in sex, which is not at all the case. Just not interested in her in that respect.

These days she is old and housebound. When I was young she was a schoolteacher teaching very young kids. Being a schoolteacher she brought us up to be good mannered and to know right from wrong. She is a good natured person and got in very well with my father in that they never had any significant arguments in all the years they were married. She was the leader of the two but not in any domineering way. In many ways she is a very ordinary person who just likes to stay at home in a quiet and peaceful environment where no one bothers her.

Anita – Your insight is very good in many areas. I did not reach out to others for help until fairly recently and my story was totally hidden for many years as I am not the type of person to confide in others about my problems. This includes my parents. From childhood to this present day I have never really discussed any of my problems with any family member. I am not sure why this has been the case but it is a lifelong pattern of behaviour. I was never discouraged from discussing problems but I would never raise them as I would not feel comfortable in doing so. As regards your question about living with pain before meeting my wife, I don’t recall much distress from my childhood or teenage years or early adulthood. Obviously, there were ups and downs but I recall just before meeting my wife I was in a happy place and enjoying life. Things changed quickly after that. Certainly, I was not well equipped to deal with the aggressive behaviour, which I found very controlling from the beginning and I think I mentioned this aspect in my first posting. The enduring pain in my life has been since meeting my wife and not before.