Dear Cat:

Exactly two years ago, June 29, 2018, you posted regarding a CBT situation/ emotion/ thoughts log and an Activity Diary you were working on. Regarding finances, you worked out a strict budget, planning on extending your overdraft at the time till July, and then saving with a budget plan for the next few  months, so to pay off all your debt. You also shopped for food the other day, planning on eating healthier.

You described at the time nightmares you were having: “I am prone to getting severe nightmares… The nightmares always revolve around something that’s happened in the past, but it happens again in the dream, but differently.. After I’ve had the nightmares, my mind feels so trapped, taken back to the past and a bad place, and sometimes it can take me all day to get back to my present reality”.

Two years later, June 28, 2020, you wrote: “I’ve recently found myself reflecting on my own guilt, and my own background of where I came for. I think this is a massive reason why I hide away from the world. I don’t feel normal or human, and I feel like if everyone knew everything about me then they would see me as a walking freak show…

“I come from generations of close/ breeding and sometimes distanced incest. This is horrible. I wish I had a heritage that I was interested and proud of, but I don’t. I don’t feel  like a normal or deserving person”-

You are not defined by your heritage, Cat. You are not defined by any incest that may have occurred in your family. We humans have so much in common with each other as strangers, and often we have more in common with strangers than we have with family.

Our families do not define us. Let our humanity define us, not our families. As I say from time to time: sometimes Family is just another f word. Look at yourself in the mirror, see your humanity which makes you and me so very similar.

I too felt like a freak. I felt that way most of my life. What a surprise it was when I discovered that I was not and am not a freak! A great surprise, I had no idea. I want you too to discover that you are not at all a freak.

I hope to read from you soon.

anita

Dear Cat:

Welcome back to your thread. Good to read this: “In general, I have been doing well. I am growing in confidence and I have a place of work that loves me to bits – both the people I support and my colleagues. And most of the time my housemates are supportive too“!

The arrival of Magic (I definitely remember you sharing about him!) shook you, and as a result.. you are feeling shaken, unbalanced. I want to re-read what you previously shared about Magic, years ago and reply further. For now, I think that the best thing for you to do is to not see Magic, and instead: have down time, calm down by focusing on your art. I will be back to you within the hour.

anita

Dear Cat:

Is that you in the photo??? I am glad that you added that Magic is not Clarence. Looking at the beginning of your thread, seems like Magic is Jim.

Let’s look at what got you so shaken this week: Magic initiated a visit to your city. You, having been on-and-off interested in him romantically for a long time- were excited at the idea of having a ..magical Magic-Cat week with him. You asked your housemates s if he could stay at the house, they said yes, you planned lots of things to do with him during the expected magical visit. Before leaving for the airport to pick him up, you arranged for a surprise party for him, then picked him up Wed., Oct 20 with his name on a sign, had “a mega hug and then.. held hands on the bus back from the airport“. At home, all your housemates shouted “Surprise!“, you were “so excited to introduce Magic” into your world, expecting a romantic, magical Cat-Magic week.

Still same night, Oct 20, the night of his arrival, everyone was drinking. At 1 am, Thursday, Oct 21, he approached you in the kitchen in front of everyone, and said: “Cat, I feel so inspired. Your housemate Lucy. Is she single? Is she single?.. I can say that right? We’re polyamorous right? We’re polyamorous right?”

You went upstairs to your room to cry, then told him that you are too hurt, feeling “overlooked, devalued and so many things“, and that you are not comfortable with him in the house. He stayed at a hotel.  You met him Friday, Oct 22, for  food and a show. You told him you still didn’t feel comfortable having him in the house, but he ended up staying at your house Friday night regardless. On Saturday, Oct 23,  “feeling too upset to be around him“, you asked him to leave.

He stayed in a hotel. Sunday night, Oct 24 (last night), you told him that you “romantically loved him since Chicago“. He told you that he thinks that you are his twin flame. You then discovered that he lied to you, hiding the fact that he went for a roast at your housemate’s boyfriend’s flat because the boyfriend told Magic to.. not tell you. You got very upset at that, turned to leave Magic’s hotel room, and Magic shouted at you, saying that you don’t know how to love, that you snap at people.. that you were selfish and a rubbish host, having abandoned him in Bristol, a city he didn’t know. He later apologized, said he loves you and wants to work through things.

You then stayed last night at the hotel with him, kissing and holding each other, went for breakfast today, Monday morning. Still too upset, you left him at the cafe. Currently, Monday afternoon (your time), you are at home, “feeling like a crap host, an abandoner, a loser.. not knowing what to do“. You added: “at this moment in time Magic is super hyper and manic and not the same grounded person I met in Chicago… Someone, please advise what I should do“-

-You shared about Magic in your very first post, February 3, 2018, regarding the year before (2017): “Before I went to the festival I was couch surfing with a guy, who I’ll call Jim. When I met Jim we were friends instantly: I told him about 11:11, and he got out his tarot cards. He was a very healthy, spiritual individual – and someone I knew I was meant to meet“. After spending 3 or 4 days in Chicago with Clarence, taking drugs, etc., this happened: “Luckily I was in contact with Jim who agreed to meet me. He got off work, and let me stay in his flat again. He let me sleep and sweat the drugs out, fed me well and surrounded me with health. I stayed with him the rest of my time in Chicago“.

Still in your original Post, Feb 3, 2018, you shared: “I think it’s likely that I have borderline personality disorder like my sister does and I’m waiting for a diagnosis“. In May 7 2018, you shared: “I had my mental health assessment last Wednesday – I showed the assessor the post that you said too as well. I told her everything, and was diagnosed with ‘borderline personality disorder'”.

In August 10, 2018, you shared regarding your Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD): “I have stable relationships with my housemates, people at work etc.,  etc. And it’s only romantic relationships that trigger me, and are that intense up-and-down trust-lack of trust thing“.

This fits perfectly with what you shared today: “In general, I have been doing well. I am growing in confidence and I have a place of work that loves me to bits – both the people I support and my colleagues. And most of the time my housemates are supportive too“!”, but it is in the context of romantic relationships (currently Magic), that your BPD gets triggered.

Previously you shared about your emotional experiences: extreme anxiety, extreme depression, terrible nightmares, and at times feeling manic (“when I’m manic/ fixated on something… I tend to just get fixated on what it is that is making me manic, and staying in my pajamas being obsessed…I’ve been really quite high. And haven’t been able to sleep properly as too excited – like a child at Christmas”, Feb 28, 2018), as well as your experiences with street drugs. Following your BPD diagnosis you were prescribed with antipsychotics, which are supposed to balance your moods  and help you sleep.

Before I return to the here-and-now, I want to quote from what you shared May 11, 2018: “Yes, the nightmares make me feel extremely invisible. I guess that’s how I felt a lot growing up. My parents never bothered to see me and my sister as individuals or treat us as such. We were simply just things.. They argued in front of us all the time – they didn’t care if we saw or not.. Growing up – my parents never bothered to hang out with us, or get to know us as people… It was all about my Mum. I remember seeing my Mum depressed lying on her bed etc. They never tried with us at all – so me and my sister kind of floated through life.. They just wanted us to be as quiet as possible“-

– and now, back to the here-and-now. I think that when Magic approached you in regard to his interest in your housemate, he triggered your growing-up experience of feeling extremely invisible, of being treated like a thing, of (your parents) not bothering to get to know you as a person, not bothering to see you or hang out with you, a childhood experience that was all about your depressed mother.. and none about you.

You shared today that what Magic did made you feel “overlooked, devalued and so many things“- like I wrote above, i think that your very, very difficult childhood experience was triggered.

Did Magic do wrong? Yes, but his wrong behavior was .. triggered by alcohol intoxication and seems like he did not mean to hurt you. At the time, Thursday 1 am, following lots of travel time and alcohol.. he just felt right about telling you what he did, in front of everyone.. it felt just right. Because you and him were not in a committed love relationship (boyfriend-girlfriend) before his visit, I don’t think that he bears responsibility for your expectations for the visit, and for your strong reaction to his polyamorous mention Thursday at 1 am. He is not responsible for your childhood experience (he wasn’t there), and so, he is not responsible for  what got triggered in you.

I am wondering if you are still prescribed with anti-psychotics/ other medications for your BPD and mood disorder.. as well as for the nightmares?

anita

Dear Cat:

I understand of course, that you feel emotionally distraught and shaking and I am so sorry that this is your experience. I wish you were having fun this week, instead of feeling crushed.

I agree that he didn’t respect you and love you.. not the way you expected him to respect and love you. I am guessing that he did tell you sometime in the last four years that he is polyamorous, which means that he is okay- and finds it even preferrable- to be intimately involved with more than one woman at a time. I am not at all a fan of this practice, but if he told you that this is his practice.. then expecting him to be different is unrealistic, isn’t it?

anita

Dear Cat:

He messed up then, aided by drinking that night. Too bad. You did the right thing having him leave the house and rent a hotel room. He can’t legitimately complain about you being a bad hostess when he told you that his visit will be about you and him, and then wanting to add your housemate to the mix. I hope that you can soon recover. I will be back to the computer in about 10 hours from now.

anita

Dear Cat:

I wanted to add that I am aware that you want me/ other people to agree with you that Magic is the-bad-guy in this situation, and that you’ve been his victim. I ended my last post to you giving in a bit to what I believe to be your expectation, and in so doing, I wasn’t genuine enough. I want to correct myself: you were both wrong in this situation, harming each other. In this situation, you were both mentally unwell: him being off his antipsychotic medications, you- displaying the BPD dynamics and behaviors I mentioned in my post before last. He triggered your BPD; you triggered his psychosis… not a good situation.

“His dad asked me to stay away in case I triggered Magic or made it worse” – excellent idea.

Because of your diagnosed BPD, it is very important that in regard to romantic prospects, you will be careful: get to know the man before you get involved with him, so to see that he is not the kind of guy that is likely to greatly trigger your BPD. Even in a relationship with a man who is least likely to trigger you, you will still have to be aware/mindful, able to think as objectively as you can (CBT exercises promote that), regulate your emotions and exercise reasonable self-control over your behaviors.

anita