Dear Gautam:

You can give a hungry person a meal without expecting anything in return, do charity acts like that. But in a personal relationship, where you interact with another person repeatedly, I don’t think it is possible to not have expectations of getting something in return.

As spiritual as a person can be, a person is still a social animal and like other social animals, no individual gives without an expectation of getting something in return. For social animals relationships are give-and-take.

anita

Dear Gautam,

You can never ask a person for more than they are actually willing to give. So you can keep giving, keep doing, keep liking, but the other person will never do what you hope for them to do because they don’t have to. The fact that you keep giving is entirely your choice, they did not ask for it, until you made it clear that they can ask for things. But remember, you gave them the signal that it was okay to ask for your help, you gave them the okay. But they will never see it as anything other than things friends do for each other until you’ve made it clear that you hope for more than a platonic relationship between you two.

You can keep doing, but if you only expect something in return without even trying to voice it out, then all you’ll ever do is assisting the other person like so. You’ve never once asked for something in return nor have you ever voiced out your desire for romance. So the other person will assume everything was a friends’ thing because no conversations were brought up that you wanted more, that you actually wanted to date each other romantically.

So can you blame the other person? Nope, you cannot. You’ve created the foundations of your relationship in that you gave, but did not even try to voiced out your needs nor desire. That other person is not a mind reader, you have to tell people what you want or else they can only assume that everything is okay as it is.

Dear Gautam,

I wonder if you need to love and nurture yourself more ? Are you hoping for things from your partner because you are unable to provide yourself with those things ?

We all need mutually fulfilling relationships but equally we are all completely whole as individuals. It’s our relationship with ourselves and with life that really matters. You mention the need for validation and acceptance. Can you validate and accept yourself?

Dear Gautam:

“I’ve this fear of being rejected and losing the bond we share and so I don’t directly express my desire of more from this bond”.

Your desire is to have a romantic relationship with her (“I’m romantically interested in her”).

You are afraid to ask her to be your girlfriend because you are afraid you will lose her altogether.

But she has been less available to you recently (“I’m more into her than before but she seems to be less available than before”)- how is she less available and is it possible that she is involved romantically with another person?

anita

Dear Gautam:

“How can I self accept and validate myself..?”-

– my answer would depend on what it is specifically that you are afraid of, once you proceed romantically with her-  what is the danger there for you?

anita

Gautam,
I am not sure which culture you are in but for me, I live by the rule of being straightforward and authentic.

If you are interested in her romantically then why not tell  her directly?

As they say, “Go big or go home.”

Mark